I'm Struggling

Trust me J., women dont usually hold back, if she wasnt happy, she would probably tell you.
You both have very tough jobs and work hard.
Dont feel guilty.

Your wife is happy, you are happy. You are only struggling with the self-inflicted guilt of role-reversal. Let it be, J.. It's all good.

J., thanks for being so honest.
I think society makes us feel insignificant or some how that we SAHP are not doing our fair share.

Recently, I had a colleague of my husband invite me to the ballet and she confided in me that many people, where both spouses work, are quite jealous of how much my husband accomplishes at work. And could I get him to slow his pace down a little bit, as it was making them look bad.

My husband constantly gives me the credit for his success, because I manage the home front. He never has to clear any of his professional commitments with me. He does not miss work for sick kids, doctor appts, car repairs, etc. He has total freedom to do what he is passionate about.

Almost daily, I wonder how I signed up for this position, when I see woman my age having successful careers. But between you and me and the others here, my kids have turned out to be happy, respectful, kind, well-mannered kids. And I don't even keep a tidy house. I just have fabulous kids and I feel like I am doing my job right.

You're kids are still so young, diapers, bottles and naps as I recall. This phase will pass shortly and you'll have more freedom to pursue a personal hobby and interest that might even earn you some extra income.

It doesn't help that your very own family dis's you and your wife's choices. It's none of their business how you two manage your family life. When people think you are 'just sitting around the house' it speaks volumes as to how ignorant they truly are. Maybe they sat around as parents when they had kids, but you know full well, that you are not. Don't let their sour attitudes negatively effect what you have worked hard to build.

Many, many couples struggle to find the right balance and your family has found it, but there are those who mock it. Probably out of jealousy.

Jo W. The old saying is, "If you can make a living doing something you like to do you'll never work a day in your life."

Making a living from a hobby is one of those things.

J., I think everyone that stays at home to keep the home fires going feels that way because of the way the media tells us that the true measure of a person's worth is the job they get paid for. "The most rewarding and valuable work a mom will ever do will be within the walls of her own home." And you can substitute dad for mom if it fits.

Good luck to you and yours.

I never did but mostly because of the amount of things I did. I didn't just keep the kids on track, clean the house, all that woman stuff. I also mowed the lawn and all the man stuff. I also did all the house hold repairs, replaced flooring, so many things that would have cost us money so I brought value to the table, ya know?

Thing is when I read your question I couldn't help but think about how I would look at Troy at home and I wouldn't complain a bit because he is amazing. Still if I read him speaking the words you did I would tell him to take one of his hobbies and run with it. I would not want him to feel like he needs to work but making money off a hobby isn't work, right?

In TOTAL honesty, very very rarely. I usually feel guilt about slacking when I AM slacking... for too many days in a row. When I KNOW I could be doing more than I have been, easily.

But when I am a cleaning wizard, decorating for the holidays diva, and keeping the laundry done, the cabinets stocked, lunches made (to go), errands run, checkbook balanced and bills paid.... I feel like I am working too hard. ;)

Usually, the cleaning stuff gets ignored, except for essentials.
Clothes clean? check.
Food? check.
Dog medicated? check.
Coffee/cream in the house? check.
Mail opened and bills paid? check.
Checkbook balanced? check.
Kids to all their multiple activities/practices/dr. appts? check.
Special requests covered? (ordered the concert tickets, ordered the school pictures, birthday gifts, that special shampoo he was out of, a card for somebody at work, baby gift for somebody at work, that Amazon/Barnes&Noble order he wanted me to make, etc)? check.

I'm good.

If she was EVER the SAH parent, then she knows there is more to it than meets the eye.

oh... and then there is cleaning out the dryer vent exhaust (the outside one) and discovering termites... and dealing with that.... and every other household "thing" that needs "dealing with"....

I used to feel this way, but then I remembered...my job is not to please my husband. My job is to be a good wife, which is to work hard for him, compromise, treat him well, love him, encourage him, listen to him, etc. That is his job for me, as well. He also has a job outside the home earning money. Just because, I don't have a job outside earning money, does not mean I now have to please him. That doesn't mean I have to add more to my plate, so that it looks like "enough." The truth is, my husband realizes I do little (important) things all day, that he doesn't see. You do ENOUGH. You don't have to prove that, by doing so much, that you feel done. WHY doesn't it feel like enough? That's what I would be asking myself. That is what I asked myself, actually. You don't need to impress your wife, and you don't have to worry about being enough. So, stop!! If you need a hobby (that REALLY helps me) get one. Make something, fulfill yourself. When I first became a SAHM, my husband forgot he does things that fulfill him. He earns a living, he works hard, he loves his job, he achieves goals. Then, he comes home. He's a father, a husband, he can be creative. I was a mom and a wife. I didn't have this other world to fulfill me anymore. I found things I loved to do, and created this other fulfilling world. I suggest exploring that.

That got kind of tangent like! I hope my answer made sense.

Most definitely!! I do everything..clean the house, cook and take care of the kids. But, sometimes it just feels like.."maybe I'm not doing as much as I could have?" It doesn't help though that sometimes my husband doesn't seem like he appreciates anything....or nonchalantly makes some sort of remark about how he's the only reason I have a roof over my head & food on the table. Sigh.

Sounds like you're doing an AWESOME job and you and your wife have a great relationship. I think everyone has those little thoughts that enter the mind every now and then. Seems like you and your wife appreciate each other though...so, let the thoughts pass and just remember that you are doing a great job :)

J., I think all stay at home parents have had these feelings at one time or another. It MAY be a little harder for you, being a man (?) and being in a non traditional role, I don't know.
What I DO know is that having a parent at home is not just about what you do all day, but how much you ease your wife's load. My husband has never had to miss work to take the kids to any appointments, or stay home with them when they are sick, or be here to meet the cable guy, or phone guy. He's able to focus on work because I am here to do all of those things, and much, much more. And that's what you do too!
Let's face it, the reality of being an at home parent is quite different than the Norman Rockwell version many of us grew up with. It's often tedious, monotonous, boring and lonely, and it's NOT the kind of thing just anyone can do happily. But you seem to be doing just fine, and your wife clearly loves and appreciates you.
I imagine you're just in a slump right now. Keep doing what you're doing and It will get better, I promise!!!

I struggle with this all the time. I have to know my own worth and so do you. Even if someone did insinuate that you were sitting around all day, you have to have the confidence to know that you managing your household like a BOSS and be satisfied with your efforts.

I'm preaching to you and to me here, mister! :) Here is to confidence!

ps: I am brimming with confidence, so it was a shock to me to realize that how I was feeling was really insecurity. We all have areas of our lives where it crops up occasionally. No worries. Stomp it out by reminding yourself of the truth about yourself. You rock!

I have experienced this from the working spouse’s point of view. I encouraged my husband endlessly and never put on him that he wasn’t doing enough. Egad, there is so much to staying home I was never stupid enough to throw rocks at the guy. Call me simple but I was happy to come home to a house that wasn’t burned to the ground with everyone sort of reasonably attired and fed. My husband was the stay at home dad until a few months ago. He so convinced himself he wasn't doing all he could in spite of my pom pom waving, he rejoined the rat race. I reluctantly let him return to work and honestly he is plotting how to get back home. He misses being at home so much I can almost feel his ache. He hates everything he misses with our son and he hates not being able to call his own shots. With number two due in about two weeks, he's now started piling on the guilt of not being at home for the new baby. I mention this so you can stop and take stock of what you do have and what you are accomplishing. Also guilt trips are not very productive for anyone involved so pause to unpack your bags while you are taking stock.

I think what would have worked for my husband in conjunction with my rah rah'ing was for him to have made himself a daily to do list. He's a concrete kind of person. I believe if he had set a loose path for each day, then he could see what all he had planned and at the end what had been accomplished. Also he could keep track of why some days it all came off the rails. Finally he could have reasonably set the agenda for the day. Let’s face it the day he was uber-stressed he couldn’t rotate the tires, change the oil, mow the yard, clean the house and cook dinner with a one year old in tow was not a very realistic projection for that day. Maybe the week but surely not the day. Good luck and stop guilt tripping yourself. It’s a waste of energy and in my opinion ever so slightly irksome to live with on the receiving end.

J., it might be time to modify your arrangement. It sounds like you need to add something more to make you feel more self-value. Everybody has something, and you need to find yours. Maybe you can do something part time to give you what you need--plan regular date times for you and your wife (if you like to plan and look forward to watching it all play out), take themed cooking classes (to find 10 more things to do with chicken breast), rearrange the furniture...change the color of your nail polish (lol--kidding!) You need to shake things up.

This feeling that you're having is similar to how we feel when our husbands tell us that they love our bodies but we still don't want them to see us naked. Or when my husband compliments a meal and I keep thinking that I could have and should have made it better.

Ummm yeah, I have those feelings on an almost daily basis!

Good for you J. - glad you're doing what works for your family. Keep up the good work.

I've felt what you're feeling on occasion but my husband reassures me that dealing with the kid and the house is a Herculean effort and he knows, from handling it all on his own a few times during the weekend, that I contribute just as much as he does, just differently, and he respects and appreciates my role in our life together.

If your wife tells you she's happy with the arrangement, then feel confident that she is and the only thing you need to worry about is if YOU are feeling fulfilled, because that's a whole 'nuther basket of eggs.

I am responding with a different perspective... I am the primary earner of the household. My husband does work, but limited hours. He leaves the house every day at 6am, and is home by noon, and some days by 10am. I leave the house with the kids at 8am, work all day, and pickup the kids after work. I go home and I usually cook dinner afterwards. However.... my hubby does ALL the cleaning. He cleans up after dinner. Then we both have time to play with the kids before bedtimes. He plays with them while I cook, I play with them while he cleans up dinner mess. It works for us. Some days when I am really tired, I will come home and say "you have been home already for 5hrs, what did you do? Can you fix dinner tonight, etc." But those are far in between, because I love our arrangement. Our kids are only 1 and 4, but when they start school he will be able to be home with them right afterwards. He takes care of the house, the yard, the boat, the camper, he gives the kids baths. I take care of the laundry, dinner, and grocery and the kids. Even though he is home earlier.... he still has a full day because his day starts earlier than mine.
There are no rules. As long as you communicate and it works, than you will both be happy and your kids will be happy. Good luck!!

O goodness- those preteen/teen years are the ones where someone NEEDS to be home. If nothing else a body in the house checking on kids and friends.
I cannot imagine how our house would function if we both worked outside the home. Our kids would be more independent (my fault for doing too much) but I also get to be mommy to many, many kids who have dual working parents. One of my daughter's friends always called me when she missed her bus-not her mom. She knew it would be a struggle for her mom to get off work, and mom would be mad, and I was driving that direction anyway to take my own child.
Once they get to middle school, you will be the most favorite cool person if you are available to drive them and their friends around. And you will learn so much about your kids and their friends. I really miss being the chauffeur to our kids who have their licenses now.
Enjoy your kids, enjoy your life, lots of drudgery but also lots of fun. And I feel that some of my new found freedom with teens is well deserved after years of 24 hour on duty services with little ones.

Turn it around. If you were working, would you think she was not doing enough staying at home? I know the statistic for men is that men with stay at home wives make more than those whose wives work. Is it because we are the masters of the mundane or the fixers of the broken or maintainers of health or chief cooks and bottle washers? Yep.

If one of your children were to adopt this lifestyle, would you be happy that it works for them? I would! Extremely!

Keep doing what you are doing. When you see your kids happy,healthy and well adjusted in life...and your wife is able to go to work and focus on her job then take that observation as your "pat on the back" or "pay check". Just because you may not be cleaning or organizing every second of the day doesn't mean your worth at home in that moment diminishes. For some reason society has made everyone feel as if time is money...and if you are not making money or being uber productive then you are wasting time.

Just the fact that you are a physical presence in or near the home at all times is such comfort to your kids and wife and to the spirit within your home.

So put up your feet, power down some popcorn as you read some Mamapedia and realize that those are "benefits" of your job!!

Of course. I struggle with that daily. In fact, right this very second, I'm thinking, I could be out working a part time job while the kids are in school, instead of answering questions on Mamapedia.

But you know what? I get over it *really* quickly. I do a lot around here, with 3 kids (one special needs) and running this household and their schedules. I'm absolutely exhausted by 9pm. Our life is very nice, we're all very content in this household. Me "contributing" more in the form of working would upset that balance and I think it wouldn't be the best thing for our family.

You have young children, right? Your'e probably super busy with them. Your wife is perfectly happy with the way things are? Take that at face value and put away the guilt. You're doing what's best for your family right now. Simply keep it up.

Yes I feel that way all the time. I also struggle with being lame and not working as a Biologist anymore...letting my career (what I had of one) take the side stage and perhaps be derailed forever. I don't know. I struggle internally all the time. Then I imagine working and wonder how the heck can we do it if we both work?! What about the kid's activities, homework, projects, and all the millions of things that have to get done each week in a busy household. It would be insane and out of control and hectic. I don't want that either.

I totally get what you are saying. I've been a stay at home mommy for about 6 years now. I feel guilty sometimes, too. I think that's natural. However, taking care of the house and kids,etc. is a job in and of itself. Don't sell yourself short. You are contributing, just in a different way. I think being at home also alleviates other kinds of stress your spouse could have if you both worked.

My husband never has to worry about who would watch and take care of my son if he is sick, handle school stuff, cleaning/cooking, fix repairs, handle emergency phone calls, In-law situations, etc. I do a lot. So do you!

thought it was a woman thing. guess its a stay at home parent thing. arent u exausted by the end of the day? then yes you did your days worth of work.

I soooo get where you are coming from. I let that guilt bother me a lot when I became the SAHP. The expectations I had for myself were ridiculously high and I thought everyone else had the same expectations of me. It took me a LONG time to get real (and lots of conversations with other moms).

For the most part, things have gone very well for us, too. However recently with my surgery 5 weeks ago, I am having guilt as well. I'm still recovering and can't do much. He has held down the fort AND worked full time. I know it's not quite the same, but it sucks when you think you aren't doing your share.

But, you know full well that you are doing a great job! Don't let society's riduculous expections make you feel guilty! Parenting and keeping the house together is hard WORK!

Hi J., I know you have lots of answers already but I really related to your question so wanted to chime in. I was a SAHM for 10 years (worked p/t from home for about half that), but the feelings you fear in your wife were reality for me. My husband would ask 'what did you do all day?' and make comments like 'SOMEONE has to earn a living!' on a regular basis. I'm back at work full time for 3 years now and it's tough. I feel constantly torn in different directions and miss my kids (15, 13 & 8) terribly. But, my marriage has improved and so has our financial situation. So, I guess it's a trade off. I think you are blessed to have such an understanding and appreciative spouse! Enjoy your kids, they grow up way too fast. All the best to you!

I get this feeling myself, especially when I have a newborn in the house or am pregnant. I reassure myself I simply keep a daily to-do list and at the end of the day reflect at all I have done.

The feeling is usually just irrational self-doubt and needs to be snuffed away.

First of all - I'm so jealous. I wish I had your set up.

Second, it sounds like you're doing a great job. But, if you are unsure, just ask her. I would LOVE it if my husband asked me what he could do or change to make/keep me happy (he'd never ask cause the list would go on and on and on).

I understand your internal struggle, but if you open up the communication, it can do nothing but make you feel better. And, you can even ask her if there is a special project she'd like you to work on.

Let's face it, we are human, we need positive reinforcement from the outside. It makes us feel good. Try telling her that you could use a little "I feel appreciated" words or gift now and then. Do we all need that? I know I'd love something like that. I never feel like I am doing enough (I work FT and simply don't have enough hours in the day to do everything I'd like to). But I'd like to be told that what I am doing is making those around me happy.

Good luck.

J., I think we all feel this way from time to time. I DO work at home, some days over 12 hours (with other people's children) and I feel that since I am home, I should be able to get more done during the day. Dishes, laundry, making dinner every night. Add to that, as soon as my day is done, I am running out the door to practice or a game to pick up or cheer on one of my kids. And yet, I feel that I don't do enough.

My husband commutes an hour one way for his job, has excruciating chronic pain (needs two full shoulder replacements) and yet, will come home and do the dishes if I didn't get to them, carry the laundry up, start a load, make the bed, etc...whatever I did not get to. And he NEVER complains or expects it to be done.

I guess my point is, we need to stop being so hard on ourselves and know that we have wonderful partners and that as a team, we know what needs to be done and will make it happen, not dictating or expecting more from one or the other, make sense? (now, if I could just heed my own advice and stop worrying about every little thing I can not fix or did not get done!)

Sounds like you have a pretty great life, J....keep doing what you are doing and enjoy!

I was unable to see the others responses, but I have been a stay at home person and then when our youngest went to school I went back to work. I think the key for everyone is that they must have hobbies and interests beyond their kids to feel fulfilled whether you are a man or a woman. I know a man who stays home and his wife is a doctor and he reclaims old wood and does woodworking. My husband bow hunts, I went back to school and am getting my doctorate. You have to have something you enjoy doing either a job or a hobby beyond just keeping up the basics or you will feel unfulfilled.

Maybe look at it this way - are you working hard? And/or are you working as hard as your wife or 90 -95% as hard? Sorry but I think when kids are older, some SAHM's aren't working so hard. The ones I know go to the gym a lot etc while their husbands are workign their butts off to pay for those gym memberships and constant house remodelings etc. Not saying that's your situation but that's a situation that perhaps could or should lead to some guilt. So I'd be objective and try to estimate how much easier your life is than your wife's or if it's not really easier. If it is, that can be ok too I think if you are appreciative of your wife's work efforts and don't nag and say how hard you're working too and are unappreciated etc but instead make her time at home really nice and take as much off her plate as possible. Nothing wrong with things being a little unbalanced IMO if the partner benefitting realizes it and acts accordingly. Then there's doing enough from your wife's POV and your own... Maybe try to differentiate what's driving this feeling. If you're not doing enough from your POV, is there some kind of work you can do that would be satisfying. Volunteer for an organization you really feel passionate about that is helping less fortunate people etc. Sounds like your self reflective and not ungrateful at all so things are likely fine from your wife's POV.

I'm sure you're good. Based on your questions here, you're a loving, dedicated husband. She tells you you're doing enough, believe her. When I tell my husband thank you for things around the house, it's normally something out of the ordinary...like he grabbed the broom on his own and swept the floor, or he took the initiative to have dinner on the table prior to 9pm :). We alll function differently, but if she said you're doing great things, believe it. Women don't lie...very often :).