Is It Ok to Leave?

Listen, there are times in family life when I look at my husband and he's the finest thing i ever laid eyes on, and then there's times he looks like a damn goon! You must have been attracted to him at some point, right? This is my second marriage-the first was a disaster, but I can tell you that if you walk over something so trivial(and it happens in marriages all the times, the ups and downs) it will be that much easier to walk anytime after that. At the very least, you owe it to the entire family to exhaust every avenue to get that 'spark' back. I always say "we're a family-our value as a whole is greater than the sum of all of us seperately". Sometimes, when me and my husband are in a rut, I think of it as a sign from God that we should spend time developing ither aspects of our marriage(friendship, partnership, co-workers, etc.) All relationships are work. Lots of work, but I've done the single mama thing, and I'll tell you what-I'd take a sometimes boring married life, than an insecure and sometimes lonely single one any day.

Oh honey, love is not a feeling. It is a decision. You have a man that adores you and you daughter and has been with you even though that baby has another birth father. I am sorry but you are crazy to even think of leaving. In a healthy relationship two people dedicate their lives to one another and stay with one another even when it isn't fun. It's unhealthy to go from one relationship to another and it is very hard on kids. I could not even fathom leaving my kid's father. He isn't perfect and sometimes he is a bear to live with, but he adore our kids and they adore him. There were many times that I wanted to walk out early on in our relationship, but I stuck around and I am so thankful I did. I decided no matter what I was going to love him. I am so thankful I did. He has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have been through some incredibly tough times. He has held me up through the death of two of our children and I can't fathom not having him around.

I dont think you should leave him, work on the attraction with in yourself.

What would your first thought be if you read his email to a friend complaining that he is not attracted to you because you gained 70 pounds after having a baby and he's thinking about leaving over it because you don't turn him on? Talk to him about how his weight is affecting your desire. Tell him you love him enough to tell him this and help him through the tough dieting/exercise process. Also ask him to get a blood work up done to make sure there isn't an underlying health issue. give him the chance to get back in shape, the way you would want him to allow you to, if need be. Good Luck!

Love isn't something that can simply happen. In my opinion, that kind of love burns out all to often. Real love is a decision, so is the attraction that comes and go's with it. (Married at 20, will celebrate our 20th anniversary in a few months.) Anything worth having is worth hard work.

Relationships take work. It's easy to fall out of attraction with someone, that is why it is so important to keep the romance alive and continue to date, continue to surprise each other and take care of each other, continue to be grateful for one another.

But, if he is such a great guy, and you want to let him go because of those reasons, then by all means, stop wasting his time and let him get on with his life.

And apparently, you edited your message b/c everyone else mentions that you said you are now unattractived due to weight gain, but everyone is going to get old and stretch marked up, acne, thinning hair, or heck, they may even have their face melt off in a fire, but that is no reason to kick someone to the curb.

Instead, talk to him about you are worried about his weight gain and his health and maybe join a gym or go on nightly walks together and cook healthy dinners together. I am going to doubt that you, or any one of us are top model quality.

No, it is not OK to break up a family for something so trivial.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," and "Don't judge a book by its cover." Well, it looks as if you are looking at the book cover, you need to read the book so to speak. Make a list of all the things he does and does not do and go from there. I bet he does more than not.

We have been brainwashed by the media to think that thin is beautiful and if you get a bit "sloppy" in appearance there is something wrong. I was not able to read the original post which mentioned his weight. Have you thought that maybe he is content living with you and your daughter and that is where the weight comes from? He is happy with the two of you. Do like the others say suggest a walk around the block or a gym membership that you both go to and do things together. You may just find that spark.

Remember relationships are WORK and you have to do it daily. You said you had friends that had horrible things happen to their children look before you leap. People today are all about themselves and not into carrying much for others so count your blessings. This is not just about you any more it is about your daughter so think long and hard before you move on.

The best of luck to you. The other S.

This is just my opinion, but I would try to work through this. This man sounds like a wonderful, caring partner and father figure and that type of person can be tough to find. I have to imagine that you fell in love with him for certain reasons and unless he is no longer acting like that person, then I think you 'owe' it to him to try and see beyond the weight he has gained. Imagine if he had left you when you were pregnant or soon after because he didn't like the way you looked having gained weight... I'm sure it would have felt awful. Also, consider that when a man gains weight while in a relationship it often means that he feels comfortable and secure, so to break up with him because of superficial reasons is very harsh and would most certainly be a shock to him. Maybe you could try to approach the subject gently like "I notice that you've gained a lot of weight and I'm concerned about how it's affecting your health, our relationship, and your ability to care for our child." You could offer to help him with a meal plan or you could work out together. He might be hurt at first but it's better than just getting up and leaving without him knowing why. Make sure you think it over for a period of time and if in your heart, you truly don't have feelings for him any longer then it would probably be best for both of you to move on. I hope things work out for you.

It seems that you're pretty pre-occupied with how this would affect your daughter. Which is perfectly valid. However, you're right, it does sound shallow to say that your considering leaving him because of weight gain. Are you at all in love with this person? I'd like to point out that you start your question with "HES WONDERFUL". Have you ever been in a relationship this long before? Relationships often evolve where the love you feel deepens and hence mother nature turns off the hormonal drive to keep the relationship together via sex. Also, I don't mean to be insulting but...are you used to a lot of drama in your relationships? The stability of the relationship may have you feeling uncomfortable and this may be just a need to shake things up. I do think that if being in the relationship makes you miserable you should not stay for your daughter. She will sense it as she grows and learn to stay in unhappy relationships OR will find out why you stayed and feel guilty. Also, you may owe him a bunch but that's not a good enough reason to stay. But leaving over weight gain is probably not a valid enough reason to go, sexual chemistry can be rekindled. Think, if you left and he went on weight watchers and you saw him later all slimmed down with a happy family would you be filled with regret? If the answer is yes then maybe you should stay. Evaluate what it is you REALLY want. And if you do leave keep in mind that now that you're a mommy you better be SERIOUSLY sure about ANYONE before you let them meet your daughter!

First of all, you don't owe him anything. Just because you end your relationship with him does not mean you have to end his relationship with your daughter.... You are an adult and can break off a relationship into a friendship if you handle it properly.

That being said, all relationships go through seasons. If you don't think this is a passing phase, you need to let him go. There are plenty of women who would love to have the opportunity to be with the man you describe. He deserves to be loved the way he loves.

Wow that's so sad about your friend's baby... made my stomach churn. As for your guy, I have been in that situation before. I was with this guy that was so awesome with my daughter. I just wasn't attracted to him physically. All in all, relationships don't work unless there is a deep attraction and a physical attraction. You don't owe him anything, he CHOSE to be there. You just need to talk to him honestly about how you feel. A mom said this was a trivial reason, but it's not. If you feel like your sleeping with your friend that you have no feelings for then it's not a full healthy relationship. You'd be one of those people who stay together just for the children, which honestly most of the time hurts them more than helps them. As for choosing someone who would hurt your daughter, just be sure to really pay attention to how their temper is, how violent they are, and how they act around your daughter.... any red flags and let em go.. but you can't be in a loveless relationship because your scared, you'd never be truly happy. Good luck hun :)

And reading the first few posts, if it is just because of his weight gain then talk to him about that. That would be a silly reason, I say only because that is EASILY reversed.

You didn't mention anything in your post about love. Do you even love him? Thats sort of a key factor here. If the situation is you love him but aren't attracted to him anymore, you need to explore why. What changed? Could it be reversed or helped? Are you guys just in the "comfortable" stage of the relationship.
If the situation is you don't love him, it's not fair to anyone to stay with him, especially your daughter. You just need to explore exactly what it is that doesn't attract you, ask yourself what if it was you who wasn't attractive to him and what would you want him to do, see if it could be changed, and the biggie.....do you honestly love him, then make your decision.

If it were me I would try to make it work. I have several single friends and aquaintences who would give their right arm to have someone to depend on and be a father figure to their children. There are not many men who are willing to assume a father role to a child that biologically does not belong to him. What if you break up and he stops coming around. Your daughter will be really hurt to have someone she loves taken out of her life. I suppose in time she would adjust but I think that this is something traumatic for children and it does leave a mark on their lives. Hopefully if you do decide that you don't want to keep the relationship going he would continue to be available for your daughter. I think the way she comes through this situation is the most important thing.
There are times when I complain about my husband but I know if he was not around my kids would have the most difficult time adjusting and would be changed in some ways for good.
I think you should be able to leave if that is what you want to do. It's just not going to be so easy because the feelings of others are involved.

I asked myself those questions when I was young. I had more than a couple guys that were great on paper but I wasn't infatuated with them - no crush, no butterflies. I would think to myself that it was "settling" or that it was materialistic to stay with a man because he was nice, wll paid, treated me well, but I had no flutters when he was in the room. But I finally realized, flutters only came when I wanted someone that I wasn't sure wanted me. it was the chase that I was hot for. Now I am a little older. When I considered my husband I went through a mental checklist. Can he support us, will he be good to me and our children, do we have common interests, common values, DO I RESPECT HIM, can I see myself with him in 10yrs, 20 yrs? I love him very much most of the time. Sometimes he gets on my last little nerve. But I keep trying and I'm sure he probably goes thru something similar with me. I know that relationships have phases. If you talk to any couple that has been together for 50 yrs they will tell you there was a year or 2 where they had seperate bedrooms. You don't owe him anything but truth, honesty, respect. But you do owe your daughter. She deserves a family. A daddy that loves her. A mom that makes mature level headed decisions about her welfare, not impetuous leaps of faith. That only works in the movies. Movies are only 2 hrs long. They never show you what happens when the new wears off - and it always wears off - that's when you start getting to the meat of the relationship. That's when you start building real intimacy and dedication through a shared comittment.