This may sound awful but lately I can't stand the sight of my niece. She is 12 and has turned into the most rude, ignorant, demanding, spoilt girl. Have we as a family created this monster!!!! Don't get me wrong I love her so much but it has gotten to the point where I avoid getting into conversations with her. I will say Hi, smile and walk on by and it feels terrible. She was the 1st born grandchild and omg she was like the treasured little princess (she was the sweetest little girl) , but 6 grandchildren later + 1 on the way she has changed so much. I was cheeky and talked back when I was young BUT only with my parents and boy did I get it from them + rightly so but my niece talks back to everyone and she is always right and won't accept others opinions. Her parents both work full time and they too are getting tired of her behavior. I don't know how they reprimand in their own home but they do get on at her about stuff. One example was the other week at my grandfathers 90th bday an elderly aunt said something to my niece and obviously my niece didn't like what she was hearing and she gave this aunt the biggest dirtiest look. omg I nearly shot out my seat to haul her out the room. She's not my kid though, so not my place. Please someone tell me this will pass!! She is coming on vacation with us this year (not my idea) with my parents. She soooo doesn't deserve this. I am afraid she is going to ruin my vacation for me and my dd. Like I say she used to be a beautiful, sweet girl but this behavior is ugly - some of the expressions on her face have to be seen to be believed. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to talk to her about this. Please don't anyone say "she's not your kid so don't get involved" we are just not like that it my family - we are very close and we do reprimand each others kids when they need it. Thanks.
to add she does great at school, no problems in that department. She also seems to have a lot of friends.
Thanks so much for all the great advice. I agree we should all as a family work together and not allow her to behave this way. Her parents have even said to me "Don't let her get away with anything on this vacation" which is well and good but I really don't want to be on her back constantly (no fun for either of us). My dad is great and won't put up with any crap. My mom is good but generally starts to feel sorry for my niece very quickly. I think my niece and I having a chat sounds good. She is flying out on the vacation with me and my dd a week after my parents so this could perhaps be a great opportunity for a 1 to 1 chat. (get my dd watching a movie or listening to some music) I am def more like my dad in regards to discipline but I do feel sorry for her. Just the other week I was letting her try on one of my old party dresses as she is attending a school dance. Well if she didn't like it she would have been darn quick in telling me, but I would say "well what do you think" and she would just smile shyly and shrug her shoulders - it was like she couldn't physically tell me that she liked it. I could tell she loved it but couldn't say the words. I could cry thinking of it. So then I have a few minutes of thinking she is ok and then she starts all her crap again!! lol
Nasty age for girls! Oh, I wouldn't want that age again with my daughter for all the tea in China. She is lucky to still be with us! Be consistent with the discipline. If she realizes quickly that her behavior will not be tolerated then she will settle down. Have fun and don't let her ruin the trip!
I like Melissa's answer, didn't read the others yet... BUT I will tell you this... my brother that is 2 years younger than me, I love him to pieces beause he's my brother, and I would go to the ends of the world for him... I just don't like him as a person. If we weren't related, I wouldn't be friends with him, he's just not my type of person. So yes, you can love someone and dislike them ;)
sometimes a well placed word of advice from someone who is NOT the parent will sink in. Don't say it as someone who is in authority over her, don't act angry. Maybe something like "Oh Suzy! I remember when you were born, it was the most amazing thing in my life. I've always had really special feeling for you. The past year, your anger and irritation toward the adults in your life has made me feel so sad. Poor grandpa hopefully can't see well enough to see how you looked at him, but I saw it, and it made me very sad to see you disrespect him like that. I truly love you with my whole heart, but it is getting harder to like you, and I want us to be close so badly" Smile, pat on the shoulder, leave it like that. Let it sink in and let her stew on it.
My 2 cents...She is 12, there is nothing wrong with calling her out. She is old enough to take it as long as you are telling her in a non agressive way or tell her I will not accept her rudeness toward your parents. Tell her "You will not talk to my mom (or whom ever) in that manner, not when I am around". That is what I did with my niece. She is now 15. I must say I did have to distance myself a little but if I was around and I saw or heard something I would say something at that moment. Sometimes I think they need that. If your close she may get upset but I think will appreciate it in the long run.
Good luck and have fun on your trip.
Her attitude sounds 100% on par with other totally average 12 year old girls. It sucks, but it's true. With that being said, it is still also 100% unacceptable to allow her to believe there's nothing wrong with how she's treating people. Some annoyance & attitude with the world in general are one thing when your hormones are ruling your entire being & you don't even know it, but rudeness to all adults is quite another.
Personally, I wouldn't take the you-used-to-be-so-sweet route, but rather a Snap the hell out of it immediately, it's unacceptable and will not be tolerated under any circumstances type talk with her.
I love my son but I don't always like his behavior.
He is almost 15. It is a horrible age for him and he is not wearing it well.
Oh, and the facial expressions are sometimes so grotesque to be amusing to me - especially when he gets the "I am so bored, disgusted at the world, you are all just a speck on the bottom of my shoe" look.
I make it clear to him, that I love him, but it is the *behavior* that I don't like - I don't want him to get confused and think that I don't like him, hence, in his convoluted teen mind, don't love him.
My family, like yours, all correct each other. Begin a dialogue with your niece about her behavior. Call her out on it when she is being rude and disrespectful. Calmly and gently - my Granny always said "you get more flies with honey then with vinegar". LOL
Let her know that your love her, but do not like her behavior, and that you know she has it in her to behave better. After all, she knows the "rules" she is just choosing to ignore them. Tell her that how she behaves and expresses herself with her friends is one thing, but how she behaves and expresses herself amongst family, especially elders, is another.
She does sound like a typical almost teen - these are not pretty years for them. Hormones, burgeoning sense of self, developing maturity, peer pressure, the list goes on.
Other people assure me that I will get my sweet son back one day - probably after college, and many gray hairs later.
It is wonderful that she has such a caring Aunt. And while she does not seem to appreciate it now, truly, inside she knows how fortunate she is.
Good Luck
God Bless
Are we related?! You sound like you are talking about my niece - now 16. Great in school - seems to have a ton of friends...but she is just a snot!!
What a snot-nosed brat and her now divorced parents see her as a sweet girl - that's why she has a picture on her FB wall of her kissing her BF in her bedroom...things that make you go hmmm..
I refused her friend request via FB...she asked - I said - I don't like you. I love you because you are family -but I don't like you. You are a self-centered snot nosed brat and can't think of ANYONE besides yourself.
She told her mom (my SIL) what I said and all hell broke loose. I gave examples of her behavior and said that it wasn't acceptable - but everyone made excuses for her and the behavior hasn't changed. My husband agreed.
actually, you all sound like a great, close family. and it does sound like her parents are trying. maybe they need the help of the village. i think all the adults should get on the same page with her. discuss it when she's not around, and agree to ALL OF YOU put her in her place when she starts in. i think that under the circumstances (and especially if you all are going on vacation), all the adults should work TOGETHER to correct her. if none of you let her get away with it, she will have nowhere to turn with that kind of attitude. she can spend the time alone in a bedroom, or she can change her attitude. you all need to gang up on her. it sounds like her parents need the support.
Yes, it is a reality that we can love someone yet seriously dislike their present behaviors. The important thing is your actions, based on both your love for her, and your dislike of her actions.
Please DO, talk to her. Talk to her the way Robyn R. suggests. Also, you may be in a good position to ask her if anything is going on in her life, for instance where the anger is coming from.
I was quite angry as a teen and would have welcomed some intervention from an aunt. That anger on the outside hid an awful lot of hurt on the inside. I do not know if that is true in your niece's case, but sometimes when a person is that young, we just don't know how to appropriately deal with and express what is really going on.
It may not be ok to seriously dislike someone you love but I believe it is a reality for many people. I have a niece that is the same way and since her parents split they let her get away with more and cater to her. She's nine.
If you (everyone) have this issue with her now, imagine what she will be like in a few years. I suggest that when you are with her, especially if her parents haven't spoken up, you or your parents correct her if/when necessary. I would also think at her age, you could sit her down and say "Suzie, you know I love you very much. You are a wonderful young lady and I know you are a sweet girl but I am concerned about your attitude and progressive rudeness. You don't have to agree with everyone but you don't need to backtalk or argue with them either. Is everything ok? What's going on with you?"
Maybe over the years and with additional grandchildren, she's feeling put out if she is no longer being treated as "the princess". Not saying you have to continue to treat her that way but maybe she doesn't feel special anymore. Maybe she's going through something and needs someone to take an interest. After talking with her, maybe you could spend a day with her (like a girls day out...manicures, a movie, something). Be sure that when you catch her being well mannered and polite you praise her. Rudeness should be corrected and then left alone (sometimes they get more attention for bad behavior and if they crave attention, behavior gets worse).
It's probably her age 12 is hard for a girl. Has she started her periods yet? My daughter always got so hormonal she became kinda mean.
She may be testing you to make sure she is still loved. She was the first and now has to compete with all the other grandkids, she may be feeling replaced. You seem to have a special relationship with her, find a way to spend time with her alone and tell her I love you as much today as I did when you were born. It's okay to tell me or anyone else that you don't like something but no matter what we always have to think of the other person's feelings. We all love you and when you give us one of those looks or say mean things it hurts. I want you to know that nothing you do now or ever will make me not love you, but sometimes when you say hurtful things I don't like you very much. Then hug her tight.
It has become a habit--she may have picked it up from a kid at school or from a TV show. My own granddaughter loves icarly but one of the characters on that show has a mouth on her and my granddaughter started talking like that. A couple of conversations with my son, who then told her it wasn't nice and if the smart mouth didn't stop no more icarley. She straightened up. Kids don't realize how they sound sometimes.
You obviously love her. Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love.
She's 12. Pre-teens/tweens are like that.
Leave her discipline to her parents.
HOWEVER, do not let her behavior dictate your actions.
No, its not wrong imo. Actually I could of written your post but my neice is 10 Nan her spoiled brother is 2. I have to remind myself they are just kids. I just stay away and do the smile and get out dodge thing! If we do anything for our little family (got season passes at 6 flags) its supposed to be a automatic she gets to go too. Ummm nope. Im with ya mama but just grin and bear it! If I can do it you can!
It is the age. My own daughters and other daughters have went through similar things. When my girls pout or roll their eyes, I sometimes say... Smile, if you're butt ugly! They usually have to smile no how aggravated they are at the time. Of course I only do this when I am alone with my nieces or daughters. If they are walking ahead of me ten paces I will raise my voice slightly and say.. If you don't slow down I am going to dance right here right now... And I will make it the robot! Once they have tested you a couple of times, they will believe you and slow down. Also when I am alone with them and I make them smile, I sigh and tell them how happy it makes me to see their smile. My daughter once said, Don't make me laugh, I want to be mad! Just remind her that you know this is a difficult age. And that she will start to feel better once her body and hormones quit wreaking havoc. That shy little girl is your real niece. Everyone assures me it will get better. It will take about 7 yrs but it will get better. My nieces are grown now. And very polite young women. They sometimes talk about their past behavior and groan. One of them admitted... " I would have argued with a rock.". When she is older she will let how much your support meant to her at this time. And my daughter once told me, " everyone generalizes about teenagers! We are not evil, and we are not all alike.". Let us know how you guys are.
Oh man. I have the same problem only mine is way younger.
:(
No advice here cause the rest of our family has created the problem.
They recently expressed interest in medicating her.
Massive fail.
Best wishes to you and your family.
She sounds a lot like a 12 yr old.
I think her parents should take her aside and tell her what behavior they expect from her on this trip and then you and your parents should feel free to rein her in within reason. We have taken the stepkids' friends with us and if they are ever out of line, we tell them. They are our charges for the week so, no, you cannot take your boycrazy self down to the lake by yourself. For example. One friend I will never take again b/c she called DH a jerk (even in jest that's not proper) and ate the middles out of a box of oreos. AND PUT THEM BACK. I say this in part b/c teens do stupid things.
Now, yes, she might have been spoiled as the first grandkid, but I don't think she's a lost cause. And no, I don't always like teenagers, either. They can be wonderful and the next moment you realize why animals eat their young.
Just remember that the opposite of ''love'' is not ''hate'' its ''indifference''.
You obviously care enough to host a query about her, and make it lengthy. 12 can be awful, i know i was awful at 12, worse at 13 and a minion of the devil at 14. But i returned to the sweetie pie that i am around 17. Its an awkward age.
