Is It Wrong for Me to Be Grieving This Loss So Long After It Happened?

if it will help any, it is actually very common to lose one twin in utero, especially when carrying boys for some reason. you can get in touch with the twins network, its on the internet, they can help you.
K. h.

Who gets to say how we are 'allowed' to feel? I don't think you are wrong at all, I don't think any feeling is 'wrong', it is how we act on those feelings that matters. So first of all, don't worry about whether you should feel this way or not, if you are wrong or not.

Call your doctor in the morning and ask for more information. You deserve to have a more comprehensive understanding of your pregnancy and of your health status. Get answers that are specific to you, and not just posted on google :) Personally, I'd also want to know why this was not address more after your child was born. It sounds like pertinent information to me.

I am very sorry for your loss, I know I would be grieving too. I would be going through a whole array of emotions.

Take good care of yourself. Congrats on your new baby. I hope that your doctor is able to provide you with more information. ((hugs))

you found out about this tonight. it's not like you've known the entire time. of course you're allowed to be upset.

you probably feel as though you can identify now with mothers who have had miscarriages, but i'm not sure it's quite the same. keep in mind - you have a beautiful baby to hold. it wasn't all your hopes and dreams that died with that baby. yes, you are upset, but try to keep it in perspective. it could be MUCH worse. after the initial shock wears off, you will be able to see how blessed you are. which is the key to happiness. good luck. and i am sorry for your loss.

I am a midwife. What they were talking about with 2 bags is that you had a fore bag and a hind bag. This is completely normal. Sometimes only one of the bags will rupture and then later in labor the second bag will rupture. It has to do with how the amniotic sac develops. Completely normal. So, you are probably grieving over something that never happened in regards to a vanishing twin.

if the twin is really meant for you the soul will choose to be your second or third baby. if it isn't just accept it. nothing can be done in this world to change anything about that pregnancy.

I agree with the last response. You can grieve on your own time, but I would definitely become informed by a dr. On how this phenomenon works. It may give you clarity and comfort.

You may also want to consider therapy to help you deal with your loss and trauma. You shouldn't feel bad about your feelings. They are yours.

Best wishes with everything.

You should definitely follow up with your doctor. I had what is called a bi-lobed placenta. Didn't know prior to the birth. I had all sorts of thoughts at the time of the birth about what that meant. Did it mean there was a twin at some point? I did follow up with my doctor. In my case (bi-lobed placenta) it doesn't mean that. Although it CAN result in excessive bleeding of the mother after birth if the placenta does not remain intact and all detach. OR, it can cause some problems prior to delivery also. Neither was the case for us. Everything went fine.
But in your case, I would definitely follow up with your doctor about what went on. Perhaps the terminology they used meant something other than what you think. Perhaps it meant exactly what you think. But wouldn't you prefer to KNOW what they meant?
There is NO REASON not to ask about it -- even just for curiosities sake, and EVERY reason TO ask about it.

"Am I allowed to feel this way"?

Of course you are allowed your feelings. You will feel better as time goes on and you are taking care for you new son. Try to look at what you do have (a healthy baby boy) rather then what might have been. Be kind to yourself...(no one else is walking in your shoes). If your find that you can't deal with this alone, let your doc know and she/he will make a recommendation for some grief counseling.

Blessings......

Yes, you have permission to feel that way! A baby is a baby, even if he/she has a very, VERY short life. You don't need to feel bad about grieving.

I'm so glad you have your four-month-old, too. What a gift! I know you're thankful for him.

I agree with the others in that it would be good to talk to your doctor.

First, do not feel bad that you are sad over the possible loss of a baby, even if you hadn't known about it. Just to let you know though, it certainly may have been something other than a "vanishing twin" issue especially if they never saw another sac or placenta on ultrasound, etc. (It would have had to be a fraternal twin, not identical as an indentical would share the same bag of water anyway, and therefore would have had it's own sac and placenta) Sometimes when they "break your water" or your water breaks, it doesn't all come out and they will "rebreak" it. A "septum" can form in the bag of waters and you end up with "chambers" even with just a singleton pregnancy. I don't know how common it is, but I know that it happens (I remember we had a couple instances during my short ob/gyn rotation). Chances are, though, if you weren't measuring large and on your routine ultrasounds there was not evidence of polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) I would guess you might be dealing with "chambers".
You might want to make an appointment to speak with your ob/gyn...just as a consult to give you some insight into what they think was actually the case, rather than googling it online. You can get some VERY inaccurate information online, and even it was the case with another person (or many others) it might not have been the case for you, and you might be mourning and sad about a baby that never was. Until you know that you lost a baby, you need to focus on that sweet 4 month old in your arms. If it's confirmed that you did indeed have a vanishing twin, take all the time you need to mourn your loss. BUT do your best to not lose sight of your beautiful baby that IS with you, because, trust me...they really do grow up too fast and you don't want to spend these early months and years in sorrow and miss the amazing changes and miracles before you.
If your doc confirms that there wasn't actually a twin and you're still feeling down, you might want to check with themabout post-partum depression.
Sending lots of hugs.

No one can tell you that how you feel is wrong. They are YOUR feelings. You have experienced a loss, even if you didn't know it until now, and you have every right to feel how you feel, and to grieve, if that's what you need.

I'm sorry that you did lose that twin.

Grieve away. It has to be especially bad during the post partum period. You have every right to grieve and in time the wound will heal as much as it can. I've had 5 miscarriages and the pain gets better but you'll always think of what could have been.

You should not feel bad about an emotion you are experiencing. You did lose a baby (most likely), and you would've grieved had you known early on and found out at 11 weeks that it had vanished. Even though vanishing twin syndrome is common, it doesn't mean you don't mourn the loss of a baby that was never meant to be. I know a couple of moms who have experienced this, and they both took some time to grieve but eventually were able to move on. Good luck to you.

Hi V. Rae,
I had a similar experience in which I delivered one healthy baby and there was a sac for another. My response at the time was different from yours because I was delivering my fifth and felt grateful not to be delivering twins in the moment. :) However, children are an amazing gift from heaven, and now that I have not had a baby for over 5 years and have also experienced a miscarriage, I understand the range of feelings that can come when we yearn for a baby. It is normal and good to yearn for babies! :) They are wonderful. We don't have control over many aspects of our lives but we can trust in Heaven that things will work out in the end, and we can allow ourselves to feel the range of emotions that can accompany our life experiences. Healing can take time, even when we are surprised by our grief over a loss. When we are patient with ourselves, it helps us to be patient with others. You have greater compassion for others now because of your experience. This in itself is a gift! Look forward to the blessings that the future will bring, whatever they may be, and you will find joy in those opportunities as they come.
Best wishes and love from one mother to another,
L.

I don't think it's ever wrong to grieve, in fact, I think it's worse NOT to grieve.. because those pent up feelings do manifest themselves in one way, shape or form.. You just figured out what might have happened , so really, it's all NEW to you.. Go ahead and let yourself feel the pain.. it's there.. it needs to be dealt with ,, suppressing it , is not dealing with it. Also, I might add.. once you do begin to feel better, you might come to conclude that life is in fact fragile and that your child who did survive was and is truly a miracle (as I feel all babies are) and therefore, eventually , the sadness might begin to slip away more readily as you do realize more and more that you have a son who did survive.. The mind and emotions as they heal begin to see things differently.. right now, emotions say look at the death of a possible twin, down the road , as you feel better, they might then say, look at the birth (life) of my newly born son... and hence, your perspective shifts as do your emotions.. someone once told me, the best way out is always through.. again, allow yourself to grieve.. but also allow yourself to revel at the thought that a child did survive..... it goes both ways..

blessings

There is no right or wrong with feelings, and you are "allowed" to feel what you feel.
Mourn if you need to; mourning the lost twin doesn't mean that you love your son less or that you aren't grateful for him.

How you feel over a loss, or percieved loss if what the midwife said is true and there wasn't a twin, is something that only you can decide is right or not. With your child only being 4 months old, you might bring up your feelings with your doctor and find out more about if there was a twin. Also remember that baby blues after the birth of a child is a real thing and you may discuss with him that also. Remember, never beat yourself up over your feelings of grief. I lost my 22 year old son in June and have found that no one grieves the same, we do what we need to to work through our losses.

Don't get me wrong,I'm not a non sympathetic,but here is your answer from a nurse and I confirm every word(I got pregnant with 3 after IVF and 2 of my kids stoped growing at 7 and 16 weeks and I didn't have 2 extra bags of water)If there is no visible baby by week 20 there is no bags of water

"
I am a midwife. What they were talking about with 2 bags is that you had a fore bag and a hind bag. This is completely normal. Sometimes only one of the bags will rupture and then later in labor the second bag will rupture. It has to do with how the amniotic sac develops. Completely normal. So, you are probably grieving over something that never happened in regards to a vanishing twin."

,

Hi V.,
I think it is very natural to feel a sense of loss and sadness. I know I would! I also think you have a right to grieve too.
There is a great book out right now called Heaven is for Real. It is a real life story written by a pastor named Todd Burpo. His 4 year old son, Colton, almost died from a burst appendix, but miraculously survived. The book is about a near death experience Colton had during the ordeal. Anyway, there is a part in the book in which he asks his mom about a sister that died in her tummy. The Burpos had never shared with their son that they had miscarried a child simply because he was so young and didn't feel it was the right time. He went on to say that he met her in heaven when he was there. I guess all I am trying to say is that if you did miscarry, that baby is in heaven waiting to meet you one day. It is all in God's timing. God Bless.
A.