Is Parenting Stressful?

Yes at moments and I don't have any of the complicating factors that you do. I wish you strength and patience.

Regards
F. B.

I'm glad you rewrote the question. Speaking from my own past experience, the anxiety you describe can keep us 'turned up to 11' when it comes to wanting to control situations and being hyper-vigilant about other people's feelings. I would encourage you to talk to someone about this and possibly consider medication so that you can manage your anxiety instead of your anxiety managing you.

Will things be less stressful? Probably. It's not magically going to improve everything, but I understand how hard it is to parent a high needs kid. Being able to relax on some of our own expectations of others and our own selves, being able to make room for and allow some imperfection in life frees everyone and deescalates the stress. Being more able to manage sudden changes in plans without getting rattled, being able to cope with the children's/spouse's moods without taking things personally or feeling like you need to jump in and fix it immediately is wonderful. Allowing other people the opportunity to work out their own feelings-- instead of feeling responsible to keep everyone 'happy'-- is liberating.

If what you have described is your daily norm, I suggest talking to a counselor or therapist and finding out what it is that makes up your beliefs about yourself and how you have been brought up to manage your relationships. Having a family of origin which cultivates that sense of being responsible for everyone else's feelings (scapegoating, it's called) is certainly daunting and definitely worth exploring. Otherwise, you will be stuck in the same old habits with the same old guilt, ritualistically beating ourselves up for things beyond our real control.

The most stressful thing for me is not really parenting, but it's parenting vs. all the other things I need to do like work, housework, projects, obligations, etc. It seems like whenever I'm feeling the most stressed, it's because I can't just focus on something, and I'm spinning my wheels. I have no spouse, which in a way is less stress, because it's one less person to stress about (though I do have to deal with my ex which is stressful) but also stressful because I have to do everything myself. Every school morning, snack, meal, bath, lesson, task, whatever, all me for three kids. But again, those things are only stressful because I have so much else to do. If I could just focus on parenting, and structure all my days to parent optimally, and not have anything else to worry about-it wouldn't be stressful, because I actually love parenting and wish I could get rid of some of the other noise....but I guess no one gets to just parent and we all have to juggle it all, so...yeah, it's stressful :)

Sure, from time to time. You know that phrase "not my circus, not my monkeys"? With parenting, it IS your circus and those ARE your monkeys. You can't walk away from your kids and let them fend for themselves when things get tough, right? So you have to walk through the dark places with them and guide them through, which of course isn't always easy, and can be stressful.

For me personally, it was stressful to be a single mother with my first. I thought that getting married would make things easier as I would have a partner to share the load with, but it turns out that for me, parenting while married was even worse than parenting alone. Blended family parenting is really, really hard and it broke us. My husband has a very low stress threshold, poor coping mechanisms, depression and all kinds of issues that made being married to him worse than flying solo. So we're finally throwing in the towel and splitting up. Parenting just my three sons without his interfering with my oldest son (his step-son) and without having to deal with his daughter (my SD) has been wonderful for all of us. Since he left there is more joy than anger and tension in my home and while the day-to-day struggles with kids still go on (homework battles, chores, squabbling with each other, typical teenage behavior from my oldest, too much to do, too many places to be at the same time, etc.), they're short-lived. We have flare ups, we address them, we move on. When my husband was around, you never knew what minor incident was going to turn into the hill he decided to die on and what major incident would be dismissed as "kids being kids." That uncertainty and volatility was the most stressful piece of all.

Of course parenting is stressful. You are completely responsible for raising the next generation. And it only gets worse, far worse when they become teenagers, as the stakes are higher and they naturally pull away from you and challenge you even more. Many once strong marriages break under this pressure :-(
Re your anxiety/depression issues? PLEASE see a therapist for this. It's just like going to the doctor, but for your mind and your feelings. You will be heard, your will learn coping skills and new ways to handle the every day challenges. You will learn what your "triggers" are and how to manage them.

well, there's ordinary stress, and there's unusual amounts of stress, and you've got both. i think it would be a little weird if you DIDN'T need extra coping tools.
i'm so glad you and your husband are as strong as you are. that really helps put you in the driver's seat.
i think a good place to start would be to whittle away at your anxiety about what other people think. your family is your real focus, and they're not going away. other people's perceptions aren't important and that's a stressor you can whisk away more easily than the family ones.
focus on that, maybe with a good therapist. strengthen your ability to put up psychic boundaries and maintain them.
one battle at a time.
you got this, hon.
khairete
S.

when I was raising my daughter as a single parent, yes, parenting was stressful. She was very impulsive, and defiant which made things very stressful. Now I'm raising my GD and no, there is no stress. She is a very good child; the only issue with her is monitoring to make sure she gets all her school work done. Other than that, she is a great child and causes us no stress or anxiety. It's much better this second time around!

You described your situation just fine...yes, I see from your post that you are concerned with what others think. You will have to learn how to let that go, just like you learned to count, add, subtract, read, etc. Have the confidence in yourself to let go of those things that are bothering you.

We are so much more educated on the different types of special needs that it surprises me that people don't know how to react to some children. I see it all the time. It doesn't mean I enjoy the situation, but I try to understand.

In your scenario, I would say both your husband and son needed to excuse themselves and step out of the room for a minute to gather themselves. There is no specific show needed, but enough for both of them to comfortable. We don't have a special needs child, but I have asked my husband to take my daughter outside when the two of them were escalating a situation. It is just a brief cool down period, no matter the situation.

ETA 2: After reading your updated question, it would be best to focus on your family and not the peoples' responses/outward observations. You do not live with these people you live with your nuclear family unit. If they don't like how you handle your business they are not true friends or acquaintances. Do get help for your anxiety with a doctor or meds or both. There are times when we cannot do it all by ourselves and must admit we need help no harm or shame in that. We sometimes have to humble ourselves in order to seek what is really needed -- help from a caring community.

As for your son and husband having a moment out in public, let the two take a walk outside of the building or to the restroom for defuse the situation. I have seen a father carrying out his child under his arm to get him out of the restaurant to keep a scene from escalating. All the patrons understood and went on about their business and didn't act strange. They thought: here's a kid that is having a moment and dad is helping him by removing him from the stimuli that caused it. By doing this, everyone was spared a scene that would not be pleasant.

So don't think that everyone has to be all to all. You be all to your little group and that's it. It might take a village but it is your village that you make that helps you.

ETA: Life is a challenge. Living with a person or as a man and woman is a challenge. Adding children who are newborn to age 6 is a challenge as they grow into little people with their own thoughts and needs and independence. There is no training manual for how to raise a child only on the job training for both parent and child. Your sleep is almost null for the first two years of the child's life so you learn how to take naps with the child and multitask and delegate if you can. Your solid night's sleep will return in about 12 to 15 years unless there are other children in the house then it will be longer.

ORIGINAL: I think it depends on all the people involved you as parents and children. Everyone has a personality and some of them fit fine and others not so much. One child can be sweet and lovely and the other the holy terror. You have to find a way to parent them both at the same time with differences to get the same end result.

The parents have to be a unified unit and agree how they are going to parent before being a parent to prevent a lot of unneeded stress. As children will pick up on that and play ends against the middle to get what they want at any cost. Your parenting actually starts the day they come home with all the routines you implement in their lives along with respect, empathy, manners, and self-reliance.

You have to carve out time for you as parents to be adults without the kids like a date night at least once a month. If you don't you will forget who you are and why you married. Take up a few parenting classes or a few books to read together for ideas.

We let a lot of consequences teach lessons and did not rescue all the time. Once a parent always a parent. The issues may change as they grow but they are still your children even if they are 60 and you are 85. You always worry about them and love them near and far. When they are grown you can be friends and besties. I am sorry if my answers are generic as my children are probably your age by now and times have changed in child rearing circles.

the other S.

Is this homework for a class or marriage counseling session?
I'd say every relationship has it's stressful moments but facing challenges together is part of what marriage is - it helps to form your collective history and memories - and it can make your bond stronger.
A crying colicky baby at 2am is stressful - no two ways about it - but you collectively get through it - and eventually when that child first sleeps through the night - it's bliss!
If your spouse is feeling stress, I think it's important to talk about it and find out if you can help make it any easier or if it's just something you have to suck up and get through.
Same way if you're feeling some stress - wouldn't your husband want to help you if he can?
Communication!
There's no substitute for it!

Hell yes, especially with babies or toddlers in the house. I know very few couples who didn't have a rough patch at some point. Hubby and I had the exact same arguments at the exact same developmental periods with all three of our kids! With the last we were able to diffuse it by recognizing that it was sleep deprivation and stress causing it. He recently told a friend that was having a rough period with wife of 20 years that it was normal (their baby was 9 months and they were really fighting).

For some of us it's even harder. I'm noise sensitive, so just hearing a baby cry or whine stresses me out. I got real good at meditating my way through colic and things, but just this morning i blew up because I had asked my kids twice already to take their loud, running game outside, and they ignored me. instead, they brought the puppy into it and got him barking! I couldn't take any more noise. I was "done," as they say.

I'm not sure what you are asking about separating out your own feelings. I've been working really hard on recognizing and listening to the suffering of those around me. This allows me to embrace my own hurt while being able to find the necessary compassion to hear the other's hurt too. I'm not very good at it, but I'm trying really hard to recognize that we are all tired and feeling done. Hubby and I are going away for a night in a few days and we sooo need it. Our latest baby (a 4 month old puppy) is causing some stress and tension. So when things get rough between us, I try to find a way to make real time for just us. This helps us reconnect and relax, so we can be a united front.

From a parental viewpoint -yes taking care of children one or more can be stressful and can be fun. And since I work with special needs students, that too can cause anxiety and loads of giggles. I think what you are telling us from being a 'perfectionist' you are expecting things to happen a certain way and that when it doesn't you are reacting to it -thus the anxiety. So herein out Repeat after me 'I will not should on myself'...You see regular children surprise us, special children surprise us and even our spouses surprise us.The surprise is what can stress us. Again repeat after me 'I will not should on myself' and like me, I think you need to use whatever way you are intune with others emotionally to respond with positive energy and the rest work on acquiring a thick skin. You don't need to react with negative emotion or anxious energy. Some of that is a choice.
Next, your friends were at your house and I am sure they knew before they came that you have a tough situation and were not as concerned as you might think about your child's behavior. They may in fact be in awe of how you both are able to handle it (since you didn't say what sorts of issues there are it is difficult to figure out whether it's a physical special problem or mental illness sort of issue)..And-Of course they could tell that your husband was getting stressed. That's part of being human.And there is nothing wrong with telling others that is how you are feeling at the moment so that the pleasant evening can go on.
I have been like you before I realized that I was creating a lot of my own stress. Combined with my turning it over to God (my personal number one choice), and changing my feelings about how others think of me (so who cares if so and so is having a melt down and my only job at the moment is to calm them-they aren't paying my bills) and I often use the statement on me I WILL NOT SHOULD ON MYSELF. Believe me as far as my own mental health has gone I have seen a lot more healthy, sunny days than I did previously. Good luck to you!