I'm not sure what this is, but it's driving me CRAZY!
I will reprimand my 10-year old for doing something, or not doing something. I'm not talking about little things like "Please go turn off the light you left on" or "please pick your clothes up off the bathroom floor." I'm talking BIG stuff. Like I asked you to clean your room and instead you ignored me and are playing with your toys. Or you lied and said you did something and you really didn't.
After we're done talking, she will go on to either do what I asked or be sent to her room. And ONE MINUTE LATER she's singing and slowly doing what I asked, or she jumping around dancing in her room as if nothing happened.
This happens most all the time. The latest is I asked her to clean her bathroom. She went in the bathroom and I was busy doing other stuff, so I heard her banging around in the bathroom and assumed she was cleaning. After an appropriate amount of time she came out and said she was done. I checked and she hadn't cleaned! She had wiped the towel across the counter, and then played in the bathroom. So I got upset and we talked about lying and just getting a task done instead of goofing around. Then she lost a privilege for lying and I told her she had to clean her bathroom GOOD (and she CAN clean a bathroom very well, she's been doing this for 2 years now.)
One minute later she's cleaning the bathroom, but singing and dancing while doing it. I'm not talking five or ten minutes later, I'm talking about as soon as I walk away, she's singing and dancing cheerfully.
Now I'm not mad that she's doing the task--because she is. And that's fine. But she acts like she doesn't care! I'm still upset that she lied, and I would imagine that she'd be upset she lost a privilege? But she doesn't get upset. Also, the behavior doesn't change.
I don't feel like my role is to go around upsetting my child or making them cry. I just don't get it. Would you be madder if you just reprimanded your kid and a minute later they are singing and dancing without a care in the world? I feel like what I'm doing isn't making a difference if she doesn't feel any remorse or anything for what she's done. She's a happy kid normally, singing and dancing around is not odd behavior for her.
Do I keep taking away privileges until I get a reaction? OR do I just get over it myself and accept she gets over things faster than I do?
She sounds amazing to me. Sing, "Let's clean the bathroom together!" She'll be right there singing with you. You'll always remember it. And you'll both be happy.
The comments about being specific are good advice. But the singing and dancing I'd say enjoy the easygoing personality. One of mine argues and carries on like crazy.
First of all, these are all small things. A BIG thing would be she's setting fire to your couch when you turn your back...
The type of lying you are describing is totally normal, a development stage, at this age. At 10, they are not advanced enough to admit to something they've done/not done when put on the spot.
I have a 10 year-old daughter. She's a great reminder to me that life doesn't have to be so serious all the time. So, the bathroom needs to be cleaned. What's wrong with singing and dancing while doing it? Make it a game or a contest - who can get a chore finished first. Or, share the job and make it an opportunity to talk with your daughter. Or, make sure there's some kind of reward after, just a small thing. We'll watch a movie tonight on Netflix, or play a game, or go to the park, if we get our housecleaning done.
So yes, get over it yourself. Childhood is short, learn from it.
Go clean your house.
Then go clean and straighten the Garage. I will be back in 4 hours to see if you have finished.
If I was serious, would you think, what the he!!?
That uis what telling some children, "clean your room" sounds like.
Instead, and I know this is a pain, but break it down. Only give one instruction at a time. After it is complete, give her the next.
Gather your clothes that are on the floor and take them to the laundry room.
Remove the sheets from your bed and take them to the laundry room.
Replace the sheets an your bed with clean sheets and make up the bed.
Throw all of the papers on your floor, into the recycle bin.
Pick up and put away all of the toys that are out and around your room.
Then check on the room and make sure it looks the way you think it should look.. Praise, praise, praise.
Now escort her to the bathroom and tell her, spray down the vanity with this product. While that sits a moment, spray this into the toilet. Ok go back to the vanity and wipe it down, when that is don, brush the toilet and wipe it down an all sides.
Spray glass cleaner on the mirror and wipe it down.
Now spray down the tub and shower. While that sits for a moment, take all of the dirty towels to the laundry room.
Place clean towels of the rack and now wipe down the walls and the tub.. Good job.
MOM, do this every weekend in the same order. Check each time to make sure the task is done. Praise, praise, praise.
We used to put on fun music all through the house on these mornings and knock it all out.. After a while, We all knew exactly what needed to be done and it went very quickly.
My mother made us an agreement when we were children. "If you will always tell me the truth, I will not be mad. I may be upset or disappointed, but not mad. "
"IF you lie to me, I will be mad, my feelings hurt and it will take a long time for me to trust or believe you again." Of course we never wanted to do this to her. Nothing worse than hurting my moms feelings or her not trusting us.
To this day day she has stuck by this promise. We do not lie to each other.
It's normal. Kids shrug things off WAY quicker than adults do. She did something, she got punished for it, it's over, she's moved on.
Here's a good example:
My girls are like me, cranky and slow on school day mornings. Sometimes I will get into it with one of them (they're not ready when it's time to go, they tell me at the last minute they need something for school that we don't have, whatever) so I get mad, give a lecture (for the umpteenth time) about responsibility and take away a privilege. Daughter goes to school fuming, we don't speak in the car.
My whole morning is ruined. I have a black cloud over MY head for the next few hours, but guess what? THEY ARE JUST FINE! They get out of the car, they smile and laugh with their friends. It's over for them. It is SO frustrating :(
I suggest that this is a desirable personality trait. She doesn't let things get her down. It's especially OK because she does the task you told her to do. This is not defiance! Defiance would be to not do what you asked.
Do you think one has to be remorseful or upset when they are disciplined? On the contrary. They are letting you know that you are right when they accept the punishment and do what they are told.
Disrespect is when they mock you, laugh in your face, become angry and tell you off or when they refuse to do what you asked them to do.
I don't understand why it upsets you.
It's normal. It's frustrating. She is totally not on your wave length.
Stay in the bedroom and bathroom with her. Just watch her til she gets it done. Do yourself a BIG favor and be your "name" here (C.) while you're doing it. Stop expecting her to act serious or upset or nervous or remorseful about stuff like cleaning her room or dropping stuff in the floor. It isn't her personality and she's still young.
However, the lying is a different animal and you should be taking special privileges away from her for that. Like TV for 3 days for telling a lie. However, I'm not talking about saying "Yes, I cleaned the bathroom". She thinks she did. It's perfectly clean to her! As is her room. Instead, ask questions that aren't open ended. "Did you pick up every single piece of clothing off your floor? Where did you put them? Did you make your bed? Will I like what I see when I go in there?"
That's why you should just start with going in there with her and let her sing and dance, but don't let her sit down and do anything else until every thing is done. You could make up a chart with her that says what all has to be checked off. Tell her to dance over to the chart and check off those clothes. That'll probably make her pretty happy!
And maybe you'll start being C.! (LOL!)
Good luck,
Dawn
Punishing her does nothing. How about rewarding her for getting it done...
I think making a list for each room she is in charge of would be nice too. That way she can mentally check each thing off that she does. The list should be in a place that is out of sight like inside the cabinet door, it will stay cleaner and readable longer.
*****************************************
The bathroom is clean when:
The toilet has been scrubbed and the bowl is clean
The area under the toilet seat is clean, the sides, the underneath side of the toilet bowl, the seat, and the front of the tank is clean.
The sink has been scrubbed out with cleaner.
The counter-top has been cleared and cleaned with cleaner.
The drawers and/or under the sink has been straightened.
The toilet paper storage area is full.
The bathtub/shower has been cleaned out and rinsed very well.
The floor has been swept and mopped, pay close attention around the toilet.
She seem to naturally like to sing and dance. However, that does not mean that at the time she is forced to do the chore that she is truly happy. At that time it is coping skills and she is using what would normally make her happy as a means to not get upset for having to do the chore. If that is her way not to be mad and upset, then it is. Leave her alone. The job gets done and that is what is important. She seem to do it well too. Most 10yr olds don't like to do chores, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't do them now, does it. Don't worry too much about her reactions.
When you ask a child to clean, you need to be very specific about what your expecations are. To her, maybe only the counter needed to be clean and the rest was fine.
I think singing and dancing well doing chores is great! It makes it seem more like fun than like work.
After you talk to her, as long as she goes back to chore, you are getting a very positive reaction. It's a great thing that she doesn't care, she won't be developing any ulcers or suffer from stress disorders.
If she doesn't do her chores, then yes you should take away priviledges until the chores are done.
I agree with the others. Be more specific with what you want done. If cleaning her room, give her a checklist-put toys in bin/cubby, put books on the shelf, hang up clothes, make bed, etc. And set a timer as to when you expect all of those tasks to be finished. This way you both can see if she is defying you out of spite.
I don't think the singing/dancing while she works would bother me. I like to listen to music while I work and sometimes sing along. It sounds like it bugs you because you feel like she is mocking you. I bet if you set more concrete, specific parameters for her, you would see a difference. It would also be easier to enforce consequences that would seem fair. For example, she is old enough to be responsible for her own spaces in the home so it is fair for her to do her part. Let her choose which chores she would like to do first as long it is ok with you. Ask her would you like to clean your bathroom or bedroom first? Then give her the checklist for each as mentioned above and let her work through it any way she chooses. If she doesn't comply, then it would be very easy for her to see why she loses a privilege for not doing the work expected of her. Jim Fay's Love and Logic books are great for dealing with these types of issues. Good luck!
HTH,
A.
well, there's lying and then there's Lying. 'clean your room' is very vague. if she said she had complied with specific instructions ie 'i need you to clean the toilet, including down by the floor, so that there it's all sparkling clean' and she said she had, i'd be mad. but your version of what 'clean the bathroom' should look like and hers are clearly way off. that's not lying, that's miscommunication. be very specific and clear on your end. she's 10, and she's not in your head.
as for the singing and dancing, again, what specific response are you eliciting? i myself think singing and dancing is a GREAT response to someone being mad at you. i wish i could react in as healthy a fashion as your 10 year old!
lighten up, mama. sounds like you have a winner on your hands. i get the frustration, but you must be doing a lot of somethings right!
:) khairete
S.
Yes, my daughter is nine, and she could be sent to her room for something and I'm mad and upset and she is over it already and has moved on. When my two daughters get into it with each other ...tears over she did this or she did that....,mad,crying "hating" each other and bam! All of a sudden they are playing something different having the best time. So, to answer your question No, you are not crazy, but She thinks that you are for making such a big deal out of what She Thinks is nothing. She doesn't think that she lied. After all, In her eyes she spent plenty of time in the bathroom :) she did clean it a little :) so SHE thinks your nuts for making such a big deal out of it. That's why she can just go on to singing and dancing, and finishing what she started. I often wonder myself if they ever give what just happened a second thought and then I realize who cares so long as the fighting has stopped and they are BFF's again.
Its the age, it gets worse before it gets better. Right around 19 they find their way back.
my oldest is this way it is frustrating! He will be fine 2 seconds later and 15 mins later I'm still ticked off about it.
as far as the cleaning make sure you have a check off list of what to clean that she can see and check off as she does it, that way when its all checked off she knows she is done and its your way. I have one hanging in every room of our house because I use to get the same thing... I'm done, then walk in and try to figure out what they actually did. This saves fusteration on both ends.
She may just except that she got the punishment but she isn't letting her bringing her down. We have a list of things and the consequences posted on the fridge ( lying is 1 day grounding.. 2nd time is 3 days etc) that way the crime and punishment are always the same. I also have what they have to do while punished ( extra chores) that also go with the crime. Grounding include 1 extra chore and no tv or games things like that. Its not just a sit in the house and do what you please time. That way they have time to think about it.
It does get better!
You need to toughen up on the attitude. Not only does she need to be productive and contribute for her own good as a human being, but she needs to learn to be a respectful person. Her personality habits are forming now. Singing and dancing in response to her consequence is very defiant, AND proof positive that the consequence is not at all serious to her. Her entire behavior in this case shows she absolutely doesn't take you seriously at all. No, your goal isn't to make her "feel bad and cry" but it's not to make sure she's never upset either. Whatever it takes to make her understand she needs to make right choices is what you should do. You should have a very firm consequence on deck you calmly implement the moment she is not cleaning when you said. You should have more lined up for the attitude or any follow-up shenanigans. Sounds like she needs more work to do.
The goofy response is every bit as bad as moping or smarting off about helping. It's an attitude breech. At 10, I can't even fathom what my parents would have done about this crazy defiance (I sure wouldn't have been laughing and dancing after a consequence), because at that age, we just knew better, but if you toughen way up, it's not too late. YES, it's OK to sing and dance and enjoy cleaning the bathroom-IF you're doing it when you were first asked to do it and if you're really cleaning. You know she was defying you about a standard unpleasant task. Any child will do that if they can get away with it.
This does not mean you lose all sense of humor in life, it means you need to nip this particular behavior. In my house there was a joke when my dad would give us a chore: He followed it up with "And smile about it." if we did some sort of mopy response. It was a joke, but it was serious. We didn't push it past that. Look for good resources on very defiant older kids. The show "World's Strictest Parents" has good tips and free episodes on cmt.com
Offering a reward ONLY for finishing leaves no recourse if she doesn't care about the reward and still doesn't want to do it. Plus, we don't always get rewarded in life for doing what needs to be done. Whatever you do, don't try to make things EVEN NICER for her while she's displaying this kind of behavior. She should be living up to your expectations on household cooperation, not the other way around, and then once she is, you can live in symbiotic harmony.
