Is This Normal? - Salt Lake City,UT

so normal! I find my life peaks like this to the point where I finally say something and then everything is better for a while then it peaks again. For us, saying something has helped (it's just what to say and how to say it, right?!) I know how you want to make everyone happy--I struggle wtih that myself, and like me, you may want to avoid confrontation. But in the end, saying something to him may help. He may say something back to you that you didn't know he was feeling. (last time for us, my husband said I'm just really stressed about something going on at work and then he started telling me about it and then I realized--that's why he's a zombie when he comes home. But he also said I'll be done with it by a certain day and then I knew we would be back on track.) I know can be touchy, but try talking to him. good luck to yoy and remember "no one is happy if Mama isn't happy." :)

I feel exactly the same way and I only have one child to take care of. I don't have any advice, but know you're not alone!!

C.,

I don't believe there is anything such as "normal".
Though there is great comfort in knowing that others are in your shoes or have similar feelings, the more important question for you is:
Is what I am experiencing right now, working for me?

Here is my advice: Before talking to your husband, create a way to not be "venting" What you both want is some love and compassion, so create that space by coming to him with love and compassion. Communicate that you realize that he has had a busy day of work. Share your gratitude for what he does for the family (Right now, with finances being a struggle for your family, he may feel that he is not worthy of your love and respect) Reassure him that you value him.
You may be surprised by what he wants to share with you.

With my whole heart, C.

I didn't read all of your responses, so I hope I'm not repeating. The thing that struck me is not being able to talk to your husband about your day. My husband has said that the thing that has helped him most in listening to me is knowing how women's brains work. I've read that girls learn critical thinking skills at the same time they learn to talk, so the two are connected. While boys learn motor skills when their critical thinking skills are developing, so they think better when they're active. It helps us think better when we talk. Also, we tend to "try on" thoughts and feelings, often not knowing if we really feel or think something until we say it, kind of like when we like a shirt on the rack, then go put it on and...ugh! Maybe explain that to him. Another thing that might help is to tell him up front that you need to talk about your day, and need him to just listen for five minutes, and then he can (please!) forget everything you just said. Let him know that what your saying is just stuff circling your head and needs an escape route, and once it's gone, it's gone, and that just by listening he's fixing the problem. But stick to the five minutes, set a timer if you need to. Over time you'll hopefully be able to increase the amount of time you can get him to listen. Being able to talk to your spouse is a very important part of marriage. Venting to a girlfriend is a good temporary outlet, but you really need to be able to talk to your honey. It's just that they need to be taught how to listen. Best of luck to you.

It is probably normal, but it is bad. I don't have any solutions for you.

Uh, he needs to get off his duff when he comes home and help you! I understand that he works hard la la la, but THEY ARE HIS KIDS! No excuses. Kids are tough work, especially since you are taking care of 3 little ones who need a lot of attention all day long. You deserve a break. I don't get the T.V. thing, and I don't get his attitude. He could be helping you with chores, it is his house too. Get those young kids to bed by 7 or 8 and then flip the T.V. on. My husband and I both work full time out of the home, and so at night, it's full-on with our child-playing, eating, bathing, chores, etc. It's tough and exhausting work but we know we both put in equal time during the day (whether it be at work, or in your case, taking care of the kids), that it's both of our responsibility at the end of the day.

I am totally in your shoes. I have two of my own kids, 5 and 2, and I also care for a 1 year old during the week. My husband also works very hard, and he works nights, so he gets irritated if I ask him for help during the day (even if he is up on his own) because I don't understand his schedule. But then he wonders why I want to go to bed at 10 on his days off. He does know how hard I work during the day and tries to be as supportive as he can. But he doesn't really lift a finger around here either. What I've found has worked somewhat is sitting down face to face when there aren't other stressors and your not already arguing about it and talking about how you feel calmly. Try not to get defensive or let your emotions lead the conversation, but make sure he knows everything you do during the day, and let him know that sometimes you want to vent or even complain about your day and you'd like him to listen. He probably thinks you want him to fix things for you (men are like that) and he has no idea how to fix things so he doesn't want to hear it. Let him know that's not why you're talking to him. You just want him to listen. And then do the same for him. Listen to him vent about his day. You will both feel better and both feel supported. Also, make sure he understands that being a stay at home mom is like working two full time jobs and that you need time to yourself or to go out with friends every once in a while. At least once a month, if not more than that. And make sure the two of you get out on a date at least once a month, too. :) Hope that helps. But I know how you feel!

Hi C.! I have been having the same concerns as you have been. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I babysit 1 year old twins. Feeling like you are always wiping someone or feeding someone and feeling tired are all things I can relate to. I recently read a book called "Sink Reflections" by Marla Cilley which addressed all of my concerns. I thought you might like it too. Good luck with your family!

Make a menu for 1-2 weeks at a time, go shopping for all that. If you can, make meals ahead of time and freeze them so you can pull them out and just reheat.
For laundry pick out 3 days out of the week to do it if you can that way you dont feel like it is an every day thing.I started teaching my kids to help with their laundry when the were 5 and now at 10, 15 , and 17 they have been doing their own laundry for a long time . Make time for yourself a few hours a week -ask your husband to watch the kiddos while you have you time,because , you need to make yourself happy too or you are going to burn out fast. No, you are not alone.I have empathy for you. I was a single mom for a long time running a home daycare 24/7. I am remarried to a good guy who was finally trained the right way.LOL

Hi C.,
I loved what Tamara J wrote. It is very true. Men hear you talking and want to solve your problem. They really are not used to just listening, And they are scared of listening for hours. However, they can be reasoned with. John L. Lund has a seminar on cds. I highly recommend it. Its called For All Eternity. It is amazingly accurate, and can improve your relationship tremendously. He says that if you ask your spouse to listen and let them know you "just want listening" or "problem solving" that will help your husband know what you want of him. Also he suggests that you tell him you only need a specific amount of time and after that allotted time you stop. That way he can learn to trust you when you say you need to talk, and that it wont be an hour long epilogued. If you do get the Cd's I suggest listening to them when you are on a road trip, you will find that a captive audience listens better then one at home that has better things to do and is tired:)
best luck to you
E.

Ya it is pretty normal. I have all the same responsibilities and I work full time. There are days I just don't feel like doing laundry, when my husband doesn't have clean socks or underwear, I just tell him, sorry I work full time and take care of an 8 month old, I didn't have enough time. And he is totally understanding and he will take care of the laundry that day. Now, he does shrink my sweaters and ruin some clothes, but at least he is helping. If your husband does have any compassion for you and all your responsibilities then hopefully he will help you out. But don't get mad at him if it is not like you want it, men just arent that good at being domestic. But if your tired and overworked, relax, don't make dinner. Tell you hubby you didn't have time and you need to get pizza or ask him to make dinner. What is wrong with women?! Marraige is a partnership, if you married a good guy, and you ask him to help you, he will!!! If he doesn't then he is a jerk and it sucks to be you!

I felt like you were talking for me about 1 year ago.
What you have to remember is that motherhood and parenting is a 24/7 job. Your husband may work 40 hours a week but you do that much in a little less than 2 days. You have to look after yourself to be able to give to children, husband, and everyone and everything else that demands your time and energy. This is what I did that helped me to regain my sanity and feel a little more appreciated.
1. Read I Was a Much Better Mom Before I Had Kids. TI is a quick read and it talks about expectations we have for ourselves and others.
2. Find one night a week for yourself to go away and do something. If you love to read then go to the library and do it, or a coffee shop, just something ot get you out of the house and away. It will be hard on your husband and kids for the first little bit but you have to just go and promise yourself that you won't feel guilty when you come home and your husband talks about how hard it was to put the kids to bed or to watch them and keep them happy for the night. If you have a girlfriend that you can drag with you then go for it...but either way you have to put on your own oxygen mask before aiding others or so the example goes.
3. Compliment and thank your husband for the time that he is putting into his job so that you can stay at home. I found that my husband was much more willing to do things around the house and help with the kids if he felt that I appreciated him. If you give thanks you will soon get thanks in return. This is not a fast process but try to compliment him or thank him for one thing a day.
4. Plan a weekend away...even if it is camping...when you can eek out the money. I wnet away for 4 days camping in a spot where my husband couldn't reach me by phone. When I came back he was hppy to give me back the kids and also suggested I get a house cleaner to come in 2 times a month to help out because he finally appreciated how much work it was to raise kids and keep a house clean.
You are not the only one to feel this way and you are completely justified in those feelings...but you are the only one that can change it.
Good luck and know that you are not alone.
A.

Your story sounds like mine a bit I stay home with are two. My husband does the same thing when he gets home plus he goes out every wed. I have a part time weekend job. He works 6 days so some sat. if he is not working he watches them. Other than that my sister watches them. I ask him to help and most of the time it is a big deal. On the sat he is home the kids have to tell him they are hungery he wont just feed them. And my house is a mess. His response kids will be kids. He works hard and I do love him I just wish for a little help sometimes.

courtenay,
You need to lay down the law with your husband. yes he works, but so do millions of other moms and dads. I would love to come home to just sit and watch tv for a minute, heck I'd love to come home and be able to hang up my coat before I am bombarded. I work over 60 hours a week, my husband works over 40, and each of us comes home and cooks, cleans, does laundry, plays with the kids ect. Parenting is not a part-time job. Your husband needs to understand that his needs come last, and you and your kids come first. he needs to buck up, turn off the boob tube and spend some time with his kids. sure you are home all day, but you are working too, when is your break? don't make excuses for him. My husband and I both understand our break comes after the kids are in bed, the dishes are done, and the laudry and ironing for the next day is done. it's all part of being a parent, and it is so short lived...and then it is back to just coming home to an empty house.

You have received some really good information. I escpecially want to support Taneill C's suggestion of venting and praising in a journal. What struck me the strongest was in your "A little about me:" section. You stated that you "feel drained all the time...but want to make everyone happy." Trying to make anyone outside of yourself happy will always drain you! It isn't possible. People do not become happy because of things outside of themselves. We as women have been fed a bunch of garbage in the programming that we are "supposed" to make everyone around us happy. How many of us have been trying it for so long and yet it just hasn't been working. The only person that we can effect their happiness is ourselves. That is it.

I spent most of my life trying to please everyone else. Of course, it was no suprise that I was severely depressed and no medication would help. I learned to care for myself. I learned to put myself first on the list. I learned to release all the horrible judgements I had about myself. The most amazing part was that I was much more capable of showing up for others once I started caring for myself first. My depression is now gone. My extreme exhaustion has finally lifted.

Yes, there does need to be some communication between you and your husband. And yes, it would certainly be great if he could better understand how overwhelming being a full-time mom is. However, noone will show up for you as well as you can show up for you. Be your own champion. Question the old belief systems of how you are "supposed" to be there for everyone else. If you are interested in some great books to support you I have a good list, just let me know. In support of You, T.

Hi C.,
You made me tired just reading your to do list although it does sound a lot like mine. I don't really have advice as much as some encouragement. I don't know how organized you are but for me I try to bring order to my schedule by doing certain things on certain days (a routine if you will). I do my laundry on Mon/Thurs. I do my major cleaning every other Thursday and then just vacuum or touch up areas I might not get to on the opposite Thurs. I usually get groc every other Friday morning and I try to run errands while I'm out. This doesn't always work out as planned but for me the routine helps me plan my days. On the days I'm not cleaning etc we will run errands as needed,or visit the park or meet up with Dad for lunch or some other fun event. If you have a crockpot get it out and put it to work doing dinner for you. Then when you get done with a busy day your dinner is all but ready. At our home he who doesn't cook cleans up. I don't know if you can incorporate that or not but perhaps you can "praise your husband" into doing the dishes with you. Tell him how much you would enjoy it if he would keep you company in the kitchen while you do the dishes. I'll almost wager to bet if you sweet talk him enough before you know it he'll have his hands in the dishwater. A little praise and admiration really will go a long way. It is very easy to get caught up in the complaining because you are tired and probably haven't taken time out for yourself. But keep your focus on being positive. Become a refreshing person for your man to come home to inspite of how you feel. Get out of the sweat pants and t-shirt and put on a little makeup. This will get his attention for sure and he will want to spend time with you chatting about your day etc. You did't mention whether you get paid for the the little guy you watch so I'll assume you do. I wouldn't tell you to be "sneaky" with the money but I would suggest you put a bit of it away for a fun day for you and the kids. Get out of the house more and do something relaxing with the kids and a friend or two. The chores will always be there but your kids won't. This time will pass very quickly and you will wonder where it went. God Bless You, L.

First off you need to remember you cannot please everybody. you need to make sure you take care of you also. I also stay home and sometimes my husband feels like he caries all the load for supporting us. You can work through this but it may help if you take on a part time thing. I take surveys and do some at home things like avon. The next thing is to make sure that at least a couple times a month you get some time just you and him. during this time there is no work talk no kids talk and just concetrate on the two of you. It does not have to cost much at all. I am sure you can work out a cheep sitter and just have a quiet take out dinner at home the two of you. This helped us alot.

You are perfectly normal to feel like this. Maybe try to show him that this is a job for you to by getting up and ready early. Be sure to remind him, that if it were a job you would be "clocking in and out". So if he thinks he is to not be bothered with home issues, let him know you dont want to be bothered with them either and when 5 o'clock comes let him know you are done in care giver mode and want some spouse time. I was a stay at home mom for almost 7 years and my husband was the same, as soon as I started a full time job, he was in shock on how much he needed to help out with. But he did help out and we are in year # 14 of marriage. It may seem overwhelming now, but time will help, stay strong!!

i think every mom on the planet feels like this pretty often. this may sound dumb, but when you need to vent, just tell your husband that's what you're doing. guys like to fix problems and when women talk about their problems they usually just want some sympathy. just tell your husband you're not expecting him to fix anything, just to listen. if he still thinks you're just complaining, join a mom's group or play group. ladies love to chat about things that are stressing them out. good luck.

Men don't listen the same as women. Your girlfriends will let you vent and offer a shoulder to cry on if that's what you need. Men, on the other hand, feel the need to fix the "problem" never realizing that you just need to spill your guts. My husband and I have been together almost 20 years - 16 of those married. He used to frustrate me SO much because we're friends and I wanted to share things with him. He didn't understand I just needed to talk, not a fix.

So, I had to take some time to explain to him that I didn't want him to fix my "problem" as there really wasn't one - I just needed him to listen. Telling him once did not work. I sometimes still have to remind him "Don't try to fix it - just listen".

So, you'll need to take the time (not right after he gets home; not right after he has felt "attacked" by your "complaints") to just let him know that you're aware he works hard and you appreciate it, but when he comes home, you want to share your day. You aren't complaining; you aren't attacking. You just want to vent and share - no "fix" required. I can almost guarantee that once will not fix it. But, with some reminders, things may very well get better.

His point of view is that you need him to fix whatever you're wanting to share. It's just a misunderstanding due to differences in communication. You could try just starting with "I'd like to talk with you about my day, but I need you to understand that I'm venting. I don't need you to fix anything and I'm not complaining, I just want to share my frustration" or something like that.

Is there any way you can get away for a few days...or even and afternoon? I feel 100 percent tired and worn out at the end of the day and I only have two little ones. When I had my second child 15 months after the first someone said to me "Really, what's the difference with one more?" the difference is twice as much work. I love them like crazy but it's very difficult being a stay at home mom. My husband works all the time so that I am able to stay at home with them and sometimes I feel like a single mom. It's also very difficult to appreciate what you have when you don't ever get away from them. Every once in awhile I'll leave for a few days (like, once a year, but I try and go more) and it doesn't have to be Hawaii, just go visit a friend somewhere else. When I come home not only does my husband have a huge appreciation for what I do on a daily basis but it's also so good to be back with everyone that it makes it easier for awhile. Sort of clearing your head. I wish I could do it every few months but the scheduling is usually pretty difficult. So good luck to you, you are definitely not alone in how you feel. And if it helps, just hang in there, it really does get easier as they get older. Mine are now just turned 3 and 4 1/3 and when they were smaller, sometimes I felt like I would just go crazy.

Yes, it is totally normal to feel like this! And it is not a sign of weakness or even true unhappiness, life is just full of stress and worry and too much business for everyone (at least everyone I have ever met!) As far as your husband, he is normal too, men look at things differently than women do and they often don't understand the need to just vent about our problems, they think that we are asking them to do something about our problems, they think that when we complain (and sometimes we don't even think that what we are doing IS complaining but they do) about something that we are asking them to fix it, or tell us how to fix it! It has taken me 8 years of marriage to figure out that I need to vent to a female friend, not my husband! I tell my husband about my day and stuff, but I try not to dwell on the negitive unless it is somehting that I really do want him to fix. With my friends on the other hand, I can talk about how overwhelmed I feel or how much I hate laundry and how I dream abnout throwing all the dirty clothes away rather than having to wash, dry, and fold or iron (I REALLY hate ironing) them. And you know what? I feel better about it after just talking about it, and swaping stories about the (sometimes dubious) joys of motherhood. Even better, sometimes my fellow moms and I exchange babysitting so that one of us can take a break, even if it is just to run errands or to clean house in peace, or best of all, take a nap!

So I guess my advice is to go out and make friends with some other moms, through church, playgroups, preschool, library storytime, the palyground, or wherever you can! It will help to have an informal support group of mom friends. Good luck and I hope that you feel better soon! You are a great mom and wife and you deserve to feel good about yourself!

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I dont mean to come across harsh.... but... I just say flat out; " I am glad you are home, but.. I have worked hard today too. Our kids are demanding and now it is your turn. they want your attention and I NEED you to give them that and help out while I ... make dinner, go to the store, or for ...the love of god jump in the shower... My husband used to act mad but I once had a career too, and I chose to be home and love it, however, I did it for all of us to have a happy, loving and fullfilling home. I do need him to pitch in on that dream and future that we chose. It is hard. If the other spouse is working, I feel that it is also an outlet for them to get their "mental break". They work hard but are challenging their minds, and interact with adults and go to lunch! Helloooo, I don't get a day off or a lunch break.... I had to make sure that my husband understood that. he does now that I have had him take his day off to be totally in charge while I leave for one hour or two (at the most) so that I can do the things that make me feel like I matter. My husband was reluctant for a while but now calls it Daddy daughter time. It works. However, our hubby's don't always get it and I have to take the time and be incharge of planning it. Otherwise, it does not happen. Don't lose yourself. You have to remember who you are and make it happen, otherwise it will not. You cannot wait for it to happen. Just do it

You are TOTALLY normal! That would be tough! Especially with someone else's kid in the picture too! I have felt the same way! It got to the point where I just kind of gave up and stopped everything for about two weeks. I didn't clean, I didn't really do the laundry - of course when we ran out of clothes I did, but didn't put them away. It was too much for me. My husband watches a lot of movies too, and for a little while I banned him from them because it was driving me crazy! I think once I stopped being so uptight and always getting on his case for not helping me, things have been better. I don't know what did it, cause now I'm right back there with cleaning and laundry and dinners - but I'm so much more relaxed about it. Being a mom is hard work! Anyway, we did work some things out. I told me husband that I know he's had a hard day at work, but so have I, and my day doesn't end at 6:00, and I don't get a lunch break, or 15 min breaks here and there. I asked him if he would do one thing to help take care of our son - that HE would be in charge of, so now he is in charge of giving our son his bath. Sometimes it doesn't happen every day, and sometimes I remind him, but he does it, and it is SO much nicer to have just one thing off my list.

I think when I hit my wall and just dropped everything, I think my husband realized that I can't keep up with everything. I'm not saying to go on strike, but if you can in a very non-emotional tone ask him to take on one responsibility with the kids, and one with the house (my hubby is also in charge of cleaning the bathrooms), then maybe just knowing that he has something, and you have one less thing, will help. I think honestly the hardest thing for me was watching him relax while I felt like I was still working my butt off! I've decided to let some things wait, and take time for me.

If it doesn't work that your hubby will let you take a breather when you're home, arrange to have some "appointment" out of the home. Make a date once a week with some girl friends - where the kids can't come along. Say you have a doctors opt/ or a "sanity" appointment. Make sure you have time for you! This will help you be able to come back to it all a little more refreshed, and hopefully it will give him a chance to take it all on. When you tell him how you feel and he just thinks your complaining, tell him that your not - and make him listen to you until he realizes what you are saying. If you fight - that's fine! My former therapist said that fighting is a good thing because it helps you come to resolutions and helps you listen to each other/understand each other. Stick up for yourself! I know it doesn't have to be this hard. It will get better!

Sorry if it's long! If you want to talk let me know!! Best of luck!

ok, sorry I just have to quickly agree w/Tiffany S. You've got to take care of you! That's why my therapist said fighting is ok - it's part of sticking up for yourself and making yourself heard. He also congratulated me when I took my two weeks off! It was me making my own decision and no longer doing what I thought others wanted me to do! I just want to say You go girl! ;) (of course still be respectable and kind, there are limits. But be free! lol. it's SO ok to not be perfect!)

I am glad to hear that someone else is worn out after taking care of three kids all day. I have three under five and I am very worn out and tired at the end of the day. As a way of venting for me I have started a journal to write down my experiences. That way I don't have to unload it all on my husband. When I do talk to him about it I try to come up with some positives along with the negatives, and try to tell him what I appreciate him doing for me. I praise him for helping me. I know that I don't get praise for doing the same thing everyday, but those are things I write in my journal. I tell myself that I am proud of myself that I keep going when it gets tough. Hope that helps.

Demand him to help. And cry on your girlfriends shoulder.

Hi C.,

Wow your story sounds so much like mine. I have two boys of my own but also do inhome day care and take care of 2 to 4 extra kids each day. By the time the other kids go home I am ready for a break. My husband doesn't get home from work until 8 at night so I don't get a break. I do it all. I finially broke down and told my husband that I need some help. I asked if he could do the dishes twice a week and give the boys a bath on his night off. It took a little pusing but he agreed. Another thing that I find very helpfull is a short break. I go to the gym 3 night a week and put my kids in child care at the gym. It cost $15 a month so it is not real expensive. I hate working out but I love the hour to myself.

I think it is normal. My husband does the same thing. I we have one of our own and I watch 2 year old twins. He comes home for lunch and turns on the TV or is on the Computer and then when he gets home he does the same thing. He is also just as messy as the kids are. So I am constantly having to clean up after him and the kids.I often wonder if all stay at home moms are this stressed out?

I also talk to other women, and almost all of the women I talk to this is what their husbands do. If for chance there is a woman out there whose husband listen to them vent and gives advice and shares their feeling and cleans up after themselves. They are a truly blessed woman.

I think staying at home is one of the most frustrating, but rewarding things in the world. I wouldn't trade it. I just think we need to get out more.

I think many women feel the same way as you do...I know I do. My husband is the same way...comes home and either sleeps (works nights) and if he hasnt been working he watches tv. And it is frustrating because you are like I just want to talk to an adult...not wipe another face, etc. One thing that helped our situation is that I found some amazing friends that really let me vent and relax with them. As for my husband and concerns with finances...let him have an hour or two for down time after he comes home...don't lay into him right when he gets home. Then say you have some things you need to talk about. Another thing that has helped me is that I will just a leave a note on the table with a concern I have for the day, etc. and that way he can look at it and talk about it when he is ready. Men are "wired" so different from women and when we are trying to talk to them they think they are being attacked. Hang in there! And remember it will take a little of time for the transition.

I agree with the other advice you have gotten so far. You need to be able to ask for what you want from your husband, if that is to ask him for more help with the kids and the housework, or telling him upfront that you need to have a few minutes to "vent" and get some validation for all that you are doing for him and your family. I am also a stay-at-home mom to 3 small children, ages 5, 2, and 1 month. My husband also works very hard to provide for us and let me stay home with our kids, and he has become physically disabled in the last year which means he can't do as much around the house anymore. But he does do what he can. I think it is important for both you and your husband to have some responsibilities to take care of the home and the children. Working out side the home doesn't mean he should come home and watch tv while you do everything. It is a good opportunity for him to help with the kids while you make dinner, or do the dishes while you bathe the kids. It's also important for the kids to see that Dad helps to take care of them and the house, because they will know if Mom isn't around for any reason they will still be taken care of. But the bottom line is you and your husband are a team (and it sounds like a pretty good one) and you both need to hear from each other that you are recognized and appriciated for what you bring to the family. And maybe realize in your quest to make "everyone" happy, that that needs to include yourself as well, which won't happen if you burn out...

Completely normal to feel this way and common for your husband to react this way. Society devalues stay-at-home moms, like they are too lazy to work or something, but actually the work is exhausting and it's a job that they don't get a break from.

Keep trying to talk to your husband. Try different approaches if the approaches you've been using are not working. "I'm not trying to whine and complain, you know, but ..."