Losing Connection with the Kids

it might sound harsh, but maybe you should play the "alpha" role. Make them. Be consistent. I remember being a teenager and it's hard to know what's really important at that age.

Not to make you feel worse, but in my experience it's very hard to schedule time with teens. Those moments - when you have the opportunity to hear what is on their hearts and minds - happen quite spontaneously.

You may also want to get the book "The 5 Love Languages of Teens" (or something like that - I may not have the title exactly correct).

Good luck.

They are teenagers and unfortunatlly hanging out with their parents might not be top on their list anymore. Try to find fun things to do with them on the weekends, go for a hike or bike ride it doesn't have to take all day.

The most valuable piece of parenting advice I ever got was that the OLDER your children get, the MORE they need you. Quality time is great and all that, but QUANTITY is also important, just spending time together. Your children need to feel that they are your top priority. Don't "invite" them to eat with you, make family dinner time the most important part of your day! They are navigating the tween/teen years now, which can be very challenging for them - they need to feel that trust and closeness with you now more than ever, or else you will make it very easy for them to fill that need elsewhere. Don't just blame their attitude or indifference on their age (at least not all of it) - all kids this age go through "stuff", but that does not mean they cannot continue to have close and loving relationships with their parents. You CAN change the pattern you're in for the better if you are open and honest with them about your concerns and your desire to make a change. I really hope you are able to turn things around. It will be so worth it, for all of you. Best of luck.

They probably feel like you are the ones detaching yourselves from the family. Have a talk with them.

When my sister and I were teens - like a thousand years ago :P my Father had a rule that, no matter what we were doing, we all had to sit down and eat dinner together Mondays through Thursdays. We also had to be home on Sundays by 6pm for family dinner time.

At the time I thought this was a little much - but, now, as a parent, I see his wisdom. This gave us a time, most days, and a special time on weekends, to reconnect and talk and be together. He also encouraged us to have our friends hang out at our house instead of us running the streets or being gone from the house for extended periods. He would cook and we, friends and all, would wind up hanging out in the kitchen with him.

Some of my most special memories are of going to concerts with my Father, just the two of together, or family picnics at the park. Little things that actually mean more to me now than when we were doing them.

You need to schedule family time - not "invite" your children to join you. My 14 year old son and I have game or movie night together at least once a week. On weekends, as much as he grouses, I make him run errands with me, simply to have the time together. We try to attend local festivals and concerts together, wander through flea markets, etc. Doesn't have to cost a lot - just needs to be away from the phones and Ipods and gaming systems. A time to reconnect and be together.

It is a matter of balance and expectations. As teens, your children are entering into a more independent time, but that doesn't mean you abdicate your role as a parent and it doesn't mean that your children expect less of you. In fact, they need more of you at this time.

Re-evaluate your schedule and look at what you do on the weekends - start scheduling mandatory family time. Maybe take a half vacation day, every once in awhile, when school ends, to do something just with them - wander the mall or a park, take a drive. Institute weekend family meals just for you, your spouse, and children, movie nights, game nights, start an in-home "reading club" and all 4 of you read the same book and have discussions about it.

There are many ways to re-connect with your children and draw closer to them. Be creative and be consistent if they resist. They may grouse now, but they will appreciate the memories later.

Good Luck and God Bless

I would call a family meeting and sit down together and just talk about this and anything else that might be weighing heavy on their minds.

I know that you need your job, but your kids need you too.

I really do hope that you and your family can find a way to reconnect again.

God Bless.

Take them out on date nights. Have a mandatory family night, like every Monday night, we get together, sing songs, play a game, have a little lesson, read the scriptures, say a family prayer and go bake a dessert together.

You absolutely have to do something to invest time into your family and kids... that means finding time. Maybe cut back on hours at work, make sacrifices somewhere so that it is possible. Maybe have a night or two a week where you all have family dinner together. They may pull away at first b/c they are getting used to you being gone, they probably feel a little hurt and rejected, you all moved farther from your jobs for a longer commute. But it will happen if you work for it. Just have a big family meeting together and talk about how you all can make this work and apologize for being gone all the time and tell them you are going and be there for them. I would make a rule that when mom and dad comes home, video games and such gets turned off and it's family time, try and reconnect with them and show interest in what they are doing. I heard a good quote recently, "showing love to your family is spelled t-i-m-e."

This is an excellent short little video for you to watch:

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Well, teenagers, in genera,l are looking for independence in wake of their impending flight from the nest. Getting them to choose to spend that few min. you have available for them with you each day, isn't going to be easy. I'm a firm beleiver that while quality of time is very important, quantity of time is equally important. If your job allows, why not check into doing some of your work from home and be more available to them? They ARE goiwing older, and even if they don't show their appreciation for the time you want to spend with them, they can sense that you're making that time a priority.

Would it be possible for the kids to eat a snack in the afternoon and then have dinner later all together as a family? Your relative could stay for dinner. No texting, no TV, just face-to-face talking. Make it pleasant, and same lectures, homework reminders, and disciplinary talks for another time (except for table manners). Doing this even just a few nights a week would be a valuable investment for your family.

Several studies have shown that sharing meals as a family is one of the most beneficial things you can do for your children's well-being. Every day is ideal, but even twice a week makes a difference. It makes absolutely no difference whether the meal is home cooked or pulled out of a fast food bag, nor does it matter whethet it's in a formal dining room or sprawled all over the living room couch, as long as the TV is off.

One more nugget of wisdom that someone told me in time to use with my own teens: Teens need you when THEY need you, not when YOU schedule "quality time" or plan for a chat. When they are upset at a friend, discouraged after failing an exam, thrilled to have been asked on a first date, etc, they need to talk with you NOW, and later is too late. Of course, we don't want to go overboard and let them believe the world revolves around them, but being available and pausing for those moments when they need us is golden.

Can you find one night a week for a family dinner? Then set up "date nights" where you each spend the night with one kid. Dinner or dinner and a movie or play. Even if you can do this once a month with each, it is scheduled and planned.

Find ways to connect for a few minutes or even through texting during the day.

I lived in Cali for 10 years and the commute can be so difficult. I agree with the Mom's who said plan dinner together every night. Get a slow cooker and put dinner in it the night before (refrigerate overnight) or in the morning. Set it to cook while you are gone and dinner will be ready when you get home. Plan a family game/activity night, sitting down to play board games or cards for a few hours shows the kids how much you care about them and gives you a chance at comversation. The kids need time to talk to their parents at their age there is so much going on, their bodies are changing, college choices, even trends and styles and it all needs to be talked out. I would also plan a Saturday or Sunday activity every other weekend. Gives them a chance to hang out with friends on other weekend days and have family time.
Is there a chance you or hubby could tele-commute one or two days a week?

I don't have teens - yet - but I spend time when my 10 year old is tucked into bed and we just talk. Sometimes it is just 5 minutes, other times it is 30 minutes. It just depends what is going on in her life at the time. I also try to do the same with my 8 year old, but our time is in the morning. She is a heavy sleeper and not a morning person. I wake her up for school with a sweet kiss and a back rub, then once I have her somewhat awake, I lay down on top of her covers and we do what we call "baby burrito". Basically, I spoon into her. She tells me her dreams and anything else that she wants to talk about. We also all (DH included) have dinner together. I ALWAYS ask about their day and do not take "we did nothing" for an answer.

Since your time is really limited, try to have a family dinner each night and talk about everyones day. This way they will also understand what you and your husband are doing too.

Good luck!

While teenagers naturally drift away, I think insisting on things like a family dinner (with NO PHONES) is important. Sometimes dinner is the only time we touch base with the kids and it is not-negotiable. You might also find out what movie they would like to watch and rent or buy it or go out to see it. If they are ignoring you when you greet them/come in the house, you and DH need to talk to them about this. If they don't even say HI they are being rude. My DH started playing Halo not because he particularly likes video games but because it was something his son enjoyed and it was something they could do together. When my stepdaughter is on Facebook (we have computers in common areas of the house only), we ask her about it. "Is that your friend Maggie? I didn't know she could play the guitar!"

I think with teens their whims are all over the place and if it's really important, they just need to be told. "We are going to eat now. Please come to the table." They might eat and run, but at least you saw their faces for 5 minutes. Go around the table and ask each one about his/her day.

I realize that it can be tough with schedules, but if you can take a day off now and then or make more of the drives (some of our best conversations have been in the car) or just little things it may help you reconnect.

I've just finished reading a book that spends considerable print focused on exactly your problem – how to reconnect with kids when distance has crept into the relationship. I think the main thing you might be missing is that you're asking the kids to drop their lives and join you in yours. You'll probably get much better results if you make an effort to enter their lives and interests.

I think you'd find this book helpful: Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman, which is appropriately subtitled 'Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected.

Wishing you the best!

When you come in just go in and say hello and how was your day. It's important enough to interrupt if it's the only chance you have to talk to them all day. You could try talking to them at bedtime if that works out. Scheduling some family time is good too but it matters to have a little face time every day.

My husband works late many days, some days traffic is horrendous so that adds hours.
We all sit down at the table when he comes home and enjoy his dinner. He eats dinner we eat a dessert, ice cream, cookies, something. THey bring their AttaBoy's to the tabe for Daddy to see and regale him on the days events.

My hubby also will go just sit on the kids' beds and chit chat about nothing.
ON Saturdays lately he has taken our son, 10, into the garage. There he is teaching him all sorts of fun things to do.
The girls are not into power tools but will go out occasionally.
He makes it his business to take off from work early if there is a concert or game or Cub scout even he must be at.
I make it my job NOT to tell Daddy everything so they can tell him what is going on.
Mine are 13, 15 and 10. So far this has been working for us and he is still very much a part of their lives.
Good luck, you have not lost them yet.

i'm sure the time away from the kids is taking its toll, but you probably don't have much of a choice about it at this point, right? maybe it will help to know that when i was a teenager, from about age 13 to when i left for college, i didn't want to talk to my folks at all. NOT that that's healthy, or the norm, but it was my experience. life was all about my friends, and i guess, myself. i was wrapped up with identity searching, and quality time with my parents or stepparents didn't fit into my equation. i was expected to follow rules and be respectful, but i spoke as little as possible.

hope that puts a little perspective on things. right now at their ages i think parents are simply the least "cool" things in the world. it will pass.

good luck!

You need to sit them down and talk to them and let them know how you are feeling. Explain your situation and let them know how much you do love them and want to spend some time with them even it is a little time. I remember taking a week off for vacation when my boys were like 9 and 12 and taking them to Disneyland. Just us. I took a day trip to San Francisco with them and had a blast. Just try and make time to do some fun things they like to do when you do have time.

My kids are now 29 and 32 (he's married with a my first grandchild) and we still hang out when time permits and do things even if it's going to mall or meeting for lunch or dinner.

Believe me they will come around and they do love you even though sometimes (as we know) kids can be very self-centered and think it is all about them!

Communication is the best advice I can give. It is so important.

Good luck.....R.

Is your husband feeling the same as you do? Perhaps it's time for the two of you to sit down and examine your priorities in life. Do you both work because it's the only way you can make ends meet, or because you want the 'finer things in life' for you and your kids? If it's the latter, you may need to consider whether the 'things' you consider important are truly more important than the relationship you are developing with your children. I remember my mother making some purchases so she'd "have something to leave to each of my kids when I die". When I learned of her purchases, I was so angry with her, because having things was absolutely not in my priority list, nor was it in the priority list of any of my siblings. We never had much in our family, but the one thing we did have was love and togetherness, and that has held us strong over time.
Consider your options and you may find that you have to make some big changes in your lifestyle in order to re-connect with your kids.

Hi Lara,
Just because kids ignore you does not mean that they don't want your attention or to spend time with you - most likely that is normal and their teenage/preteen way of coping with the not enough time they get with you. I suggest announcing a family game night Thursday night (beginning immediately). Bring home a pizza and a couple of bottles of soda (or whatever the family favorite is). Let them know game night is mandatory and proceed to have a great night. You could come up with addtl family fun nights - like Wednesday could be ... whatever - it could be laundry night where everyone sits around in the living room helping fold the week's landry - it doesn't really matter what you're doing, as long as it is together and it is encouraging some real conversation. Make sure to plan a family activity or two on the weekends - above and beyond sports, committments etc. - something special for the family. Just because your kids are 12 and 15 and ignore you does not mean that they do not need you or want to spend time with you. I hope these suggestions lead to some great quality time and more closeness for your family.
N.

What do you do on weekends? I'd devote most of it to doing family things. Whoever the family member is who stays with them everyday is doing a great job if they are keeping up with homework and chores, or reading. At least they are home and not out on the streets. It is sort of sad to think you've done this for so long and maybe they feel negleted. Do you both really have to work that much? Can one of you go part time instead? I know we all want "stuff" and think we have to work every waking minute to have it all, but really, you have nothing if you lose your kids because of it. Try listening to the song "Cat's In The Cradle".

I NEVER thought I'd be giving this advice, but....

I recently got a smart phone with a pull-out keyboard and it's re-invigorated my relationship with my 15 year old. I find that she's more likely to check in with me throughout the day, even on her lunch hour. She and I both have Virgin Mobile's $25 Texter's Delight plan and it's amazing how much we talk via text. My other 2 kids have more limited plans (all of my kids pay for their own phones) and we don't text as often, but even with them, texting is a nice form of communication for us. It's great because I can take mini texting breaks at work more easily than I can take phone breaks..

At the end of the day, when we do see each other, we already have the base of all the communication that's happened throughout the day, so it's really made a difference for us.

Good luck!

I would love to see an update to this post, especially with more information on what time you and your husband actually get home so that there can be more discussion on whether or not it's feasible to work a consistent, nightly family dinner into your routine. I am out of the house 7am to 6pm daily with my work and commute schedules, and I have been parenting for 23 years now, with my current youngest being 8 years old. I've also been *blessed* :-) to have a hubby who is exceptionally handy with outdoors stuff, repairs, etc., but who in trade, hasn't got the faintest clue inside the home, absolutely no family management, cooking, or household organization skills to speak of. So, as it is me who has had to stand at the helm all these years, I've learned many tricks to help me juggle it all. Nightly dinner as a family is very important. Even if this means keeping your local restaraunts in your cell phone contacts list and calling in a take-out orders 15 minutes before you hit your exit. Home-cooked family meals can be planned and prepped weekly. With older children, you can enlist their help to put already prepared things into the oven in time so that they are done cooking by the time you get home. There are so many ways!
Oh, massively helpful tip I just learned myself was that if you go to a hardware store you can get a "timer" that plugs into your outlet and starts an appliance at a certain time, etc. People usually use these for their lights when they are on vacation so lights turn on and off throughout the house to make it look like they're home. Anyway, you can hook your crockpot into one of these and get up to 2 hours delayed start on a crockpot meal (2 hours is safety limit for food on counter)... which is EXTREMELY helpful if you are like me and work 12+ hours a day and only have a 10 hour setting on your crockpot. Lots of tricks out there. I encourage you to post an update with more specific information on your hours so the Mamas here can share more with you. :-)