Low Patience and Frustration How to Handle

I find when I lose patience (be honest everyone, we all do!) if I can slow down and ASK my children a question about how they are feeling, or anything really, it lets them express themselves, and more importantly helps me understand where they are coming from... I find that I am somewhat controlling and feel like they "should" do something my way, but if I can slow down enough to ask them what they think about something, I can learn something and better understand them...

Well, it's our own children that drive us the craziest, right?

Sounds as if your brain is going in several directions at once.

Only you can answer this: is your frustration at a level where you need to seek some counseling to get your feelings sorted out?

Let's say it isn't. OK, try this:

Stop what you're doing, and look at your son. Just look at him. Pretend he's somebody else's kid. What do you notice about him? What do you like? What would you miss if he weren't ever around any more?

Do the same thing once an hour. (Sounds like a doctor's prescription.)

Do you love this boy? (Of course you do.) Then tell yourself so. "I really love this boy." Then tell him so! None of this "I love you, but..." - just "I love you," with no strings attached. Smile at him every time you see him. Every single time!

Why am I telling you all this silly stuff? Because it sounds to me as if your brain is racing with all sorts of things that need to be done and so little time to do it in and so little cooperation from the family and... you've stopped focusing on the fact that... you're talking about a real live, very special person! Put a big red sign in your brain that says STOP! There will always be lots of things to do and ducks to get in a row, but there will only be ONE of this boy. Wow!

Next time you're with him, really listen to him. Talk TO him, instead of talking AT him. This will bring your focus where it belongs and the patience may build.

It's a good thing that your son is growing older. There would be something dreadfully wrong if he didn't grow up. Time goes faster and faster. Slow it down by focusing on the people in your family as much as you can. The other stuff will get done, but it doesn't have to take you away from what's MOST important.

Hope this helps a bit. Hope it even makes a little sense. I struggled with this same situation.

I think it would be helpful to know what kinds of things push your buttons. You say "he says something", but there must be some category, some consistency with what it is. With my almost-8-year old, it's arguing, complaining, and extreme negative statements (You NEVER...). I know what pushed my buttons, partly because he learned some of them for me, and I myself struggle with those issues. It's hard when they show you some part of yourself that you'd like to change, because now you have to change two people?!? But once you have it narrowed down, you can anticipate them and come up with possible responses before they happen. For example, I can't stand when every statement starts with" the problem is..." I hear it and internally I want to scream, but I am ready to ask "So what's the solution?" The more you prepare calm answers for those things that drive you nuts, the better you can approach with patience.

Hi K.,
I have a second grader son so I can somewhat relate. What are the things that drive you nuts? Is he pokey doing tasks you ask, unorganized with schoolwork? What is it that drives you nuts? he's at an age now where you can talk to him about it and get his input. I hate when I have to tell my son 20 times to do something. O. time, I was telling him to come into the bathroom so he could get his bath/shower before bed...I said 'come in here, please...come in here....." about 3 or 4 times. He finally replied "I HATE when you tell me the same thing 20,000 times -- just tell me once!" You know what? He was right. just b/c he wasn't moving fast enough for me didn't mean he wasn't moving at all. I couldn't see him...turns out he was putting some things back in his room. Whenever I get frustrated when he's not responding "fast enough" I think of that time--and I felt like a jerk! Ask HIM about the stuff that drives you bonkers. Good luck!

Just wanted you to know your not alone.. I love my 4 year old son more than anything in the world, but I believe it's TOTALLY NORMAL to become frustrated and loose your patience at times. We're human~

I don't know, but I just want you to know you're not alone. I stay so frustrated with my 4.5 year old it's VERY difficult for me to control myself sometime! I love him more than anything, and he's really a wonderful kid (most of the time), but I have NO patience with him. It's my daily trial. I do the text book things you talk about, but quite honestly I found it is good to be away from him a bit. I know your kid is old enough to be in school, so there's that -and now my 4 year old is in PreK, but I went back to work full time in February and it's actually been a good thing for our relationship. I still get frustrated with him on a daily basis, but I take time for myself and get away for blocks of time on the weekends and sometimes during the week with friends or for a pedicure. That's just the way I'm wired! It makes me a far more patient and better mother and I'm able to deal with him a little better if I've had the opportunity to relax on my own for a little while.

interestingly it's my child who's most like me who frustrates me the most. the alien boy less so, probably because i'm too distracted trying to figure him out<G>. the psych folks say that we tend to nut up most at character traits in others that mirror our own, so i guess it makes sense.
recognizing that you're doing it is huge. just bear in mind when he's plucking your last nerve that it's probably over something you share.
good luck!
:) khairete
S.

I get crabby and frustrated with my 8 year-old when I'm hungry, tired, or stressed about work or school. It's really not about her, it's about me. She's started to ask me now "are you hungry?" when I raise my voice to her :-)

For communication advice, I like the book titled "How to talk to kids so they will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". It has simple techniques that can work with adults, too.

And be sure to take care of your needs (I tend to her needs for food and sleep and forget mine), get as much exercise and fresh air as you can, and take time away any chance you get. I've raised two kids into their 20s and yes, they have ages and phases that can be frustrating for a parent.

PMS? Maybe stressed because of other things in your life? Also I have suffered depression and anger and frustration is how it manifested itself first.. I had never experienced anything like it before.

Your son is growing up and will have his own ideas, opinions and thoughts. He is now old enough for you to start actually listening and maybe allowing some different ways of doing things. Let him do things his way.

This is not to say your ways are wrong or he is being a smarty pants, but because he is an intelligent individual..

You do believe there is more than one way to do things? Well enjoy his independent thinking.. Also allow him to not always be successful. Those will be the lessons he will remember most.

If he does not agree, ask him how he came to that conclusion.. Ask him if he is willing to take the consequences of doing it his own way, if you feel like it is a big decision. (not dangerous)
Ask him how he decided to handle the situation that way.

I am sending you strength. I have been there to, but I was willing to do whatever it took to be my best self.

Yes, I fly off the handle and yell at my kids sometimes too, and then feel guilty afterwards.

I have heard before that moms who get really frustrated and impatient with their kids too easily are the types of moms who get really frustrated and impatient with themselves easily, too. Do you get mad at yourself for not being perfect and then beat yourself up about it in your head? When you son does or says something annoying, do you take it as a failure on your part as a parent, to produce a less obnoxious son?

I think you need to find ways to relaxxxxx yourself so that when your kid says or does something, you don't care. It's like your body and mind slow down and are so relaxed and peaceful that you don't get so freaked over everything. That is what I am trying for myself and it is really, really working. I find Yoga, meditation, and especially Qi Gong really calm my mind and body down and make me a kinder, more patient mother overall.

Dear K.:
I have only one son and I remember what he was like at 8. Boys at that age are always looking to the big guys and doing what they are doing or what their dads are doing. I allowed my husband to be very much the role model for Dad to run with him to the school and community sports activities, the boy scout activities and really keeping my son busy with communicating at his level with lots of other good male role models with my husband , and other little boys who have smilar interests. We always had family time of our own, with playing games, watchi a good movies with popcorn; but pretty much I made sure that there were lots of homemade goods to eat and enjoy , and make any occasion special. Family prayer was also a must in the home....not necessarily every day, but every week.....very important to make good morals. Today, my son still knows my heart for him and remembers the good times and the goodies. What more can a mother ask?.....Take one day at a time.....see his smile, read his eyes, and know that someday he will be gone and remember what you gave him. There is a song sung by Barbara Streisand.....listen to it.....it will speak to you and you will know what to do......It is called "Children will Listen" in her (Back to Broadway Album).

Hi K.:
What is he saying that annoys you?
Just want to know.
D.