Mad/frustrated That My Husband Doesnt help...Am I Being Silly?

No you are not. Have a talk with him and let him know you would like some help. Tell him he can go lay back down and rest when the kids are gone.

No you're not. He's being ignorant and obnoxious and I wouldn't like it either. My husband usually starts work later than I do so he sleeps through the entire morning routine while I am up at 6:30 and on the go from 6:30 - 9:00. It used to annoy me that he never got up to help out but we're at a point where he just gets in the way anyway so sleeping works out for us. That said, I love it when the kids are so loud he can't sleep!

Have you ever asked him for help? My hubby reminds me ALL the time that he will pitch in and help if I ASK him, but if I don't say anything, he won't know that I need help. He sees me as being very capable of handling things on my own, so he assumes that if I want/need him to help out, I'll let him know. Otherwise, he just goes on assuming everything is working out okay the way it is.

I know it's very easy to think "well, if he cared at all, he would ask me if I need help" or he should just do what needs to be done. For my hubby, he just doesn't work that way. He doesn't "see" what needs to be done unless we go over it. But, if I ask him, "honey, can you get DD dressed and pack her bookbag in the morning" it gets done....sometimes not exactly the way I prefer it, but at least it's getting done.

Do/have you criticized the way he does the morning routine before? Maybe feels like you'll just get mad so why even bother? I had to learn that with our night time routine. He doesn't do things the way I do them (the right way, right?). I kept asking, did you do this? did you do that? no, not those PJs. Why did you brush her hair that way? why didn't you brush her teeth before combing her hair?....to me, it was just "gentle reminders"...for him it was "you suck at this, i should just do it myself"

Sorry for the long response. Sit down and talk with your husband. tell him all the things you appreciate and ask him for things you want help with...and then let him do it...HIS way. They're his kids too. :)

Have you ever just said to him, "I know you're off tomorrow. I would like you to get up and help me get the kids ready for school"? He may be so used to doing his own thing on his own schedule that he never thinks about changing it. While it would be nice if he were thoughtful enough to say, hey, I'd like to see the kids before they go to school and honey, let me do so and so, well, he may not be the sort of person who thinks about others' tasks and sees ways to pitch in. Tell him. And tell him you would like to make it a regular routine on his day off. Maybe put him in charge of one kid while you are in charge of another, or tell him he is the boss of breakfast while you get the kids up and dressed etc. He may be the kind of guy who needs specific instructions or he feels like "I'm throwing off your routine, I'm in your way, I don't want to be under your feet," etc.

Leigh R said, "He may be the kind of guy who needs specific instructions or he feels like "I'm throwing off your routine, I'm in your way, I don't want to be under your feet," etc." I agree 100%.

Mama Twinkie has a great answer too!
Wendy T has a great answer and wonderful idea! "Thanks" are always appreciated!

I worked 60 to 70 hours per week for most of my working life. When I finally got a day off, I just relaxed to the max. My wife was (and is!) such a wonderful mother and manager, I just stayed out of her way. When she did ask me to help I jumped right in and helped. But, she had a routine and sometimes my unasked-for help threw her off.

My wife had things she viewed as her territory. I respected that. I have my territory. She respects that. She helps when I ask and I help when she asks. When I ask and she doesn't do it the "right way", I just grin and bear it and know that for next time I need to have better instructions with my request. She does the same. We are partners and love each other dearly.

If you want help with things you normally do yourself, just ask. And ask nice. You get much more with honey than with vinegar.

Good luck to you and yours.

Hi Emily!

No, you're not being silly. I think on the mornings he's home, he should take over the morning duties and give you a break. My husband and I divide and conquer always, since we both work full time. He takes care of our five-year-old and I take our eight-year-old. When our baby arrives, I'm sure we will trade off, but during my maternity leave, I won't expect him to take care of the baby in the morning while I sleep in!

It irks me to no end when parents don't view themselves as a team when it comes to raising the children. When I'm sick, my hubs does it all. When he's sick, I do. When I've had a bad day and need a nap, I take one. Vice versa. There's no reason for one parent to do it all while the other does nothing. I hate that.

I think you should approach it delicately because, like you said, he is likely to get defensive. Men like to be the white knight, so the way I would handle it is say something like, "Honey, I'm feeling so overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities that I have to handle, and two jobs on top of it." Usually, my husband will say, "Oh, what can I do?" If yours doesn't, say something like, "Do you think maybe you could help me a little more in the mornings?"

Good luck! You deserve better for sure!

Mother's Day is right around the corner... USE IT! :)

Don't be mad at him for not doing something he doesn't know you want him to do.

If you want help, ask for it!

It took me a while to figure that one out with my husband but I finally got it. He's glad to help (even on an off day) but I need to let him know exactly what I want and when.

So, ask for help and make it worth his while once the kids are gone!

Tell him what you need done. He can't read your mind. Seriously, sometimes people, not just men, just aren't clued into the events as you are. If he points out something your forgot..."Thank you, could you go do that for me." As for a day where you get to sleep in, print out the morning to do list, have it ready. When you know he has a day off ask him to do the morning for you. Remind him kindly that you've been doing it on your own all this time and you would like just one morning of sleeping in and hand him the list. Once you've had your day sit with him with the list and tell him you would like a little help in the mornings, color code the chores, one color for him, one for you and hang that sheet up for the kids so they know who to bug for what. The colors can also be used for appointments, get a large desk top calendar and hang it up. Wrote all the appointments and meetings there and color code for who is dealing with what.

Good luck.

Obviously this is a you and him convo, but here's my little bit of advice.

Stick with the "I" statements.

I need help in the morning.
I would like to sleep in sometimes when you're off.

Anyone can have a rational conversation about your needs. However, once you dip into the "You need to" pool of conversation starters - you're being aggressive and bossy and he's going to be defensive and stop listening.

Just my two pennies. :)

Not stupid at all. My hubby has two days off during the week, and on those days he gets the kids ready and takes them to school. Not to mention washing the clothes, the floors, and whatever else I have on the "Honey-do-list". Talk to him.

Ummmm....you're right.
I'm assuming your husband is an adult.
I don't insult my adult husband by assuming he needs to be told what needs to be done.
Working 2 even "very PT" jobs and managing the house is MORE than a FT job.
He needs to do more than his FT job, too.
Time for a talk.

If he "takes it" as you telling him he is doing something else wrong--then you've made your point. He IS doing something wrong--several things, actually--1. He's not doing his fair share, 2. He's happy to put ALL of that responsibility on YOU, 3. He's acting like you are HIS mom, and you're not. He is the DAD. A dad's work doesn't end when he's off the clock.

My husband (50) works a very physical FT+++ job, and he starts at 4 a.m. a lot of days. Guess what? He's home to meet the bus, he cooks dinner, does laundry, vacuums...all AS he sees it needs to be done!

it depends on work schedules of both of you and whats demanded on a daily basis. If he works 70 hours a week in a short time and you are a sahm with free time when the kids go to school I'd say he should get to be lazy. If however he works 40 hours and you have little kids home all day along with school kids and you put in J. as much hours at home as he does at work, I'd vote for him helping and I'd think you should talk to him about it.
Why not divy up the responsiblilites like- ok you have to make lunches or breakfast, you can do it the night before if you'd like but they are your responsibilities?
btw my mind must be in the gutter b/ci glances and thought the headline said masturbated

I DO understand your frustration! But let me ask you this, does he do other things around the house?
I never really expected my husband to *help* with the kids or housework because I felt that was my area (and yes, I'm a bit particular in how those things are done, lol!) even if he had a day off.
BUT, he does a lot around here, in addition to being our main source of income, he takes care of ALL the major home maintenance, cleaning gutters, trimming trees, fixing leaky faucets, doing minor repairs on the cars, etc. He also manages all of our money, including funding both of our retirements and college accounts for three kids.
I guess I'm just trying to give you a little perspective. I hope your husband is as hardworking as mine, because if he is, you might want to cut him a little slack :)
ETA: And I DO sleep in on the weekend so I get a break there!

That is sooo my husband too! I work full time mon-fri and he works 4-10s wed-sat but sat morning we have my daughters soccer game which he goes to since he doesnt have to be at work til 2. so i ask him to get out of bed help me but he asked for a few more minutes. I got the kids fed, dressed, did my daughters hair got drinks ready took the dogs for a walk made coffee and when all this was done he conviently got out of bed and came downstairs i was furious.

I am not married, but I have a live in boyfriend. He helps, but its after I mention something that needs doing. He does not take it upon himself to help, but I just think thats how men are. Tell him how you feel, maybe things will get better. Good luck!

I actually have a different opinion of these situations. Your husband works full time so you can work full time...your job is to take care of your kids. Your hours vary. I actually think you should let your husband sleep in on his days off...not all day, but sleep in. HOWEVER, its my opinion that he works, you work, but the HOUSE work is BOTH your responsibility. I think THAT is the area he needs to help with. Lets be honest, would you even be able to sleep in on his days off? He would likely be waking you up anyway asking you what to do with the kids! Or you wouldn't be able to sleep soundly because YOU would be worried about what he was doing with the kids. LOL! So I would sit hubby down and ask him what housework he is going to be willing to TAKE OVER. For example, my husband does all the laundry, wash, dry and put away. He also takes care of the dog. Oh, and he also does our floors, sweeps and mops (the house is all tile). My daughter loads and unloads the dishwasher, my son takes out the trashes and the cans to the street. I do all the shopping and cooking. It should get easier when your kids get older. Right now tho, just try to compromise and see if he can help out more. Good luck.

Uh no! I don't blame ya, I'd be mad too.

My husband sometimes has Fridays off, so I will have him take one of my daughters to school while I take the other. (They go to different schools right now as my youngest is in preschool) And believe me in the beginning, he did ask if I would just take them so he could sleep in....uh no your home you can help! When the kids are off to school you can take a nap - while i go on to finish my day at work! LOL