Mama Drama

My mother is or could be borderline if it were not for the fact that she lives with me and I keep her from getting worse. It's hard. She doesn't like to throw anything out and even gets upset with me when I throw things out. But I lay down the law here. To be honest, I think you should talk to the city, fire marshals, get a lawyer...do whatever it takes to have them forcefully removed. It's not healthy for any of you and you all don't need the stress or worry. It's very selfish of them to not seek help. You can't make them want to. But I suspect that a lot of that has been built up for YEARS and it would take time for it to happen again.

I hear ya. My mom is a hoarder and she is almost 90. We had the situation you fear - she fell and the paramedics didn't have room to get her out. They threw stuff everywhere, it was a huge mess. So we sat down with her and told her that if she wanted to keep living alone, she was going to have to let us clean her out and then keep it at a level that was safe. LOL - I told her that I was going to be arrested for letting her live that way if we had to have the fire dept in again. So we cleaned it all out and now, one year later, it's almost like we never did anything. She is maybe a tiny bit better - she lets me throw out food when its moldy now. I don't get it but it's always been like this. If I were you I would stick to my guns because some day when they are even older, you are going to have to clean and maintain the place for their safety. I wish I had started a tougher line with my mom earlier than I did.

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my in-laws are hoarders. you can't walk into their bedrooms at all. or the rooms that my SIL used to use or my husband. it's pretty bad. my MIL has tons of brand new clothes, shoes, jewelry, handbags. it's outrageous. plus, they haven't changed the carpet in their house for 30 years or more. it's very unhealthy for everyone. they both have medical problems. I don't know how much longer they will be here, so i won't not go and see them. yes, i get upset that they won't let us help them, and yes, i get icked out. however, they are hurting no one but themselves, they are good people, and if i didn't go and see them and something happened i would regret it for the rest of my life for doing something so silly.

My parents were both hoarders. We never had friends inside the house when I was a kid, because it was embarassing. My mom still has so much junk in her house, we hate going over there. My younger brother lived with her for a while, and really tried to help her get through a lot of her stuff. She ended up moving it from one place to another and finally into a storage unit. So now she is paying someone else to store her junk. Ugh.
Unfortunately, it's learned behavior. Luckily my brothers and I are all married to people who won't let us hold on to stupid stuff and have helped us be able to let go of "things". Hoarders place emotional attachments on their belongings, making it harder to let them go. You have to learn that it's OK to let "things" go, the memories will still be there.
It has affected our relationship with her, because there is just no room in her house for us to visit, and she doesn't want to come to any of us. Her grandkids don't see her very often, and it is very sad to all of us.
The worst part is that we dread my mom dying, not because of the loss we will suffer, but because we don't want to clean out her house. We will end up bringing in dumpsters and throw it all out. Everything she let come between us and her will end up in the dumpster. I just wish she would choose to get rid of it while she is still here.
Good luck to you!

My mom is a professional organizer and has been on a Hoarders episode helping a hoarder clean her home. Would you mind if I sent this to her and had her offer some advice?

I would but I am not qualified to offer any opinions or suggestions and want to make sure that feedback to you is helpful and kind.

Have you talked to a counselor who is specialized in this area yourself? It may be a good idea for you, your siblings and spouses to set up an information seeking session with someone. They may have ideas on how to get the ball rolling and what is realistic in a situation where the parties are resistant to change. I'm wondering instead of the goal being to rid her of this habit if it should be to find a way to control it. I may be wrong, it may be an all or nothing sort of thing. Maybe an understanding organizer who knows the goal isn't going to be perfection but manageable chaos. Even just talking to experts you might get some very good insight and solutions. All the best!

Can you have a 1st responder come visit them? Maybe they need to hear it from a policeman, fireman or paramedic directly what would happen if they had to come in and help your parents. A fireman might even tell them in more official fireman language their home is a safety hazard.

Or have their home insurance agent make a visit.

But you are right - something has to give. You guys sound like good children. I hope they get some help...and I hope they stay safe!

Love your mom.
Keep encouraging her to get professional help for her hoarding, which is an obsessive compulsive disorder.
I'm sorry you're going through this. And cleaning it 'for' her will not help--as you've already experienced.
You can sit down with your mom & dad and say just what you've said here: tell her that you love her, that you want her in your life, that she is welcome in your home, but her "stuff" is not. Tell her that you will find and pay for professional help when she is ready.
Unfortunately, if you fell your father is in danger due to the accessibility status of the house, you can always get adult protective services involved. He needs to be safe.

My mother-in-law was a shopper and hoarder as well. We're not sure exactly what she was dealing with but know there was some depression and most likely some other form of mental illness or disturbance. When I first met her (when my husband and I started dating), they had been in the process of moving for, I'm not joking, ten years because they were overwhelmed with all the stuff she had accumulated. I clearly remember the day I first saw the inside of their house. There were tiny pathways to all of the important spots (kitchen, bathroom, beds), and stuff was just piled everywhere. She bought things constantly, and most of it was never even removed from the packaging. The end result is that when she passed away this past fall, she left a storage locker, their entire garage, and two rooms of their home packed floor to ceiling with things that no one has used or can use (because it's totally inaccessible). My father-in-law has had no less than 12 yard sales since November, and it is making him crazy seeing the price tags and unopened packages (doubly painful because he is a serious penny pincher and has had to live not only with the mounds of stuff but the mounds of debt accumulated to get the stuff that has never been used). The worst part is, none of it is cheap or trash but no one wants it, either. We just wish we knew how to get rid of it without just throwing it away, but I think it's going to be a long, slow, and painful process.

You mother may need a lot more than just some similar-to-Al-Anon steps from her children to get her to stop. It's going to take some counseling and possibly cognitive therapy. You might even try calling the show Hoarders to see if they can help. Even if they won't put your mom on the show maybe they can offer some resources to you.

My mother-in-law is the same way. She moved out of her house (40+ years of accumulation) and into an apartment. Her daughters are supposed to be cleaning it up for her, but haven't been. They have hoarding tendencies too (my opinion only). My husband and I have taken it upon ourselves to clean since we're the ones paying for the utilities, taxes and don't want that to continue indefinitely. I'm resentful it's how I have to spend my weekends, but I'm helping my husband and his stress level will go down immensely if we can clean it out and get it sold. I should have realized there was a problem when my husband never invited me into his mom's house while we were dating. My MIL's apartment is now packed pretty high. It's their behavior and it's not something for you to feel guilty about.

My mom probably does not fit into the hoarder category (Rarely shops), but she DOES have a terrible time throwing things away. And she has more cats then she should have as well. Her house is just awful.

We've all (5 adult kids, local and willing to help) tried to help but she makes it very difficult, she has to have the final say about what gets shredded, donated, kept, shared etc. She is too 'busy' so it piles up. She has stacks and stacks of magazines, junk mail, newspapers, recycleables, etc. She gets VERY upset when someone is there 'helping' her get rid of some things.

She also complains that no one helps her, which pisses me off a little. I have on many many occasions. Used to go once a week, would call the day before to remind her, say have a pile of things ready for her to shred, I will take some garbage with me, I will do whatever she wants me to with the stuff.

Every single time, when I got to her house, week after week, she would say, oh, I didn't realize you were coming today, I've been so BUSY.....Then I would go through some tings, paper by paper, with her approval each one, sigh....

I enjoy her company, she's a loving generous person, an excellent mother, a wonderful grandmother, but we cannot go to her house. It embarrasses her to have us there, and is very uncomfortable for everyone.

So.....I tried to see here somewhere other than there. She lives about 40 minutes away, but she is getting older and rarely wants to drive. So I say I'll come pick her up, bring her here, out to lunch, etc, when I get there she does the same thing, that was TODAY we were doing that? Even though I called her and reminder her the day before. She is never ready.

She is still managing to come to the bigger things, major Holidays and such, but she rarely leaves the house anymore. Used to come over to dinner weekly, used to go swimming at her seniors club, used to go to Church, can't even get her to church anymore, there is always a reason she can't do it.

She's 74 now, have a few minor health problems, but over all is pretty strong and healthy.

You CAN'T let her know it's not ok she lives like that. It's not UP to you how she lives, sigh, sorry. I am just coming to terms with this myself. I hope you can enjoy her, find some common ground, I don't think you will be able to change her.

:(

I have watched many of the tv show "Hoarders" and everytime it encourages me to clean out more and get rid of things. I have done crafts and sewing for years and it tends to make you collect pieces and parts for a zillion things and it can really pile up fast. I have let it take over my sewing room, parts of my husbands home office, part of my dining room and all of the garage. I am not anywhere near as bad as the people on Hoarders, but I can see how it starts and I could easily be one of them in a few years if I didnt recognize it now and put a stop to it. You might want to watch some of the shows and see how they handle the therapist, and what the people actually say in terms of what they are feeling when someone tries to throw away a used dirty broken item. It may give you some insight to how they feel and you can go from there. It can take years to get them out of this habit but they dont see it as a problem to start with so you really need to find professional help. I am at this moment in the middle of stacking and going thru things and planning a garage sale in a couple weeks. I have to get something for my stuff instead of wasting it. I know that is a problem in itself. I see the worth of an item and others might not. My husband says call the rescue mission and donate it but I spent money on it and want something for it. It would be a large UHAUL trailer full if I did let it all go.I at times have saved butter tubs and cool whip containers becuase I just know I will need them, and all of a sudden one day its as if my eyes open and I see what Ive done and can throw them all away! I get in moods to declutter every now and then and I really need to run with it while it lasts. My house is borderline acceptable for company. I have a gal who comes to clean once a month so it is clean, but stacked with boxes of stuff. But like I said, everytime I watch Hoarders its like another therapy session for me. Get your M. to watch a few if you can. And gently suggest she could talk to someone. Good luck. Its a long road to wellness in this sickness.

My grandparents were hoarders (among other issues) My parents never tried to intervene, they didn't know what hoarding was back then. Just groaned and accepted their "idiosyncrasies." My grandmother was quite the shopper too. She was famous for buying birthday and christmas gifts ahead of time and then losing them in the house! Most of the time we would go out to eat when we visited them. Eventually their health + the junk got to the point where they had to be moved out to a nursing home. I did not envy my dad's position in that situation.
I say enjoy their company, just.. not at their house. There will come a day when you absolutely have to intervene, but for now letting them know your help is available and leaving it is what I would do.

Do they have any close freinds that could go over and talk to them. It is hard for people to recieve criticism from their kids... even when it is well meaning, and they know it is "right". If a freind was willing to persuade them to get help it might change the "dynamic" of the situation. Instead of you "kids" being the nagging teenagers, and mom being well, a mom- a family freind gets to be a caring outsider that may bring to light the situation in a new way that will help your parents "see" what is going on.

In the meantime, don't go over there if it is a safety hazard, but provide plenty of opportunities for them to come visit you.

Good Luck and I hope everything resolves well in the end!
-M.

It sounds like you have drawn some really good boundaries with your parents. Just because it is upsetting to them doesn't mean that you are wrong for doing it. You are definitely not the only one out there dealing with this. There is a website www.childrenofhoarders.com that may be helpful to you. It might also be helpful for you to see a therapist yourself so that you can get support on this issue.

My husbands grandmother is like this. She actually had two houses. She moved out of one when it got broken into and left it full of stuff. It took my inlwaws a couple months of weekends to clean it out and 3 huge dumpsters in order to sell the house. The house she currently lives in is the same way I guess I have never been there. It drives my MIL crazy my husbands cousin lives with their grandma(with her 4yo also) and doesn't clean up for her(so she is probably a hoarder too). Very unsafe for a women in her 70's that has a hard time walking. My grandfather was a hoarder before he passed away last year. My mom and aunt would go clean up for him and the next time they went over it would look the same. When he went into a nursing home 2 years ago due to a fall(not over his junk but a rug) it was unclear if he would recover enough to go home so my parents and aunt and uncle started to clean the house out so if he came home and needed in home health care the house wouldn't be so bad. He didn't have rotton food or animals but just junk..think aobut 200 2 liter bottle in an unused bedroom...cardboard from 12packs of pop, bills from 30 years ago etc. It took a year of off and on cleaning to clean it out when it was apparent he wasn't ever leaving the nursing home. We found a lot of cool stuff but mostly junk and tons of things to shred. It's hard to see someone live that way I know( I hated to go to his house after my one aunt moved out there was no one to monitor his "collecting" plus he had another bedroom to move it into. I don't know what to tell you in how to get your parents to clean up but you are not alone,there are lots of families dealing with haording on some level.

I wouldn't say I am a hoarder but I do have a lot of stuff. It seems that after the kids left home and it was just me I could take care of things. After hubby got sick and had to retire things went south. He could no longer do many of the things that he did and it all got left to me. I do work for something to do and as a break from home.

Men do not think the same as women and their time concept is different. I am now running to the "it's time to PCS clean out" which means to go through and purge like X#LL and get rid of everything you haven't used in x amount of time.

It seems that life changes as we get older and so does our energy levels and priorities. So don't beat yourself up over it, just try to live your life with less or any clutter. Kids' pictures and papers are nice but in the end you can't take them with you.

The other S.

PS I am also a crafter and sewer so there is always a sewing machine and fabric around.

Dear K.,
Surely you've seen the hoarding shows on TV. Your parents may not be to that extreme, but you have to know that you are not alone and you're not the only family dealing with this.
Many people who have hoarding tendancies don't want help because secretly they are ashamed. And, it actually becomes overwhelming when people with the best intentions try to help because it's a feeling of a loss of control and even if it's never said, they feel judged.
People don't like feeling "judged" by their own children.
I'm not saying you're doing that. You obviously adore your parents. I would be concerned, as you are, about paramedics not being able to get to your dad in the event of an emergency.
I'm not a professional, I can't diagnose anyone, but it sounds like there is a co-dependency with the collecting situation, some anxiety and even maybe depression issues.
If your parents won't accept help to at least make sure there is a clear path for paramedics, they clearly don't see the problem on many different levels.
I don't know how long you've been dealing with this, but in their minds, they may feel all you kids do is gripe at them about their house which has caused them to get defensive. If they are in denial, I'm sure they think the world would be a perfect place if you would be in denial with them.
You can't force them to get help. You can't force them to let you help them. Unless it's so bad that the house needs to be condemned or the health department needs to step in, I'm not sure there's much you can do.
My neighbor is a hoarder. She admits it without really using that word. Her house isn't so bad she can't use her bathroom or kitchen. She keeps her bathroom very clean in fact. Her kitchen isn't dirty, no garbage or rotting food or anything, but there's not a spot on the counter to even make a sandwich. She has plenty of furniture, but there's nowhere to sit down.
When I moved in, she saw boxes of things on my patio and said she would take the stuff to keep it from being thrown away. As it turned out, it wasn't anything I was getting rid of, but this began my path of figuring her out.
She's a very nice woman and what I found out is that she tragically lost everything she owned about 7 years ago. Her son's baby pictures....everything. She and her family moved to California, where she didn't know anybody, and her husband promptly left her for someone else.
She knows she acquires things to try to make up for things she lost. She realizes that. She has too much stuff...stuff she'll never use in a million years, but she just can't bear to see something that might have some use of some kind being thrown away. The thought of something that's "still good" being discarded can literally bring her to tears.
Her issue is obviously the result of a trauma and the losses that ensued after that. Knowing that about herself hasn't helped much, she still won't part with anything. It doesn't make her a bad person.

If your mom refuses to get help and your dad is upset because he feels you're making your mom cry, maybe you just need to step back a little bit.
You're envisioning a happy scenario for your parents, but they're not on that page. Your happy scenario and their happy scenario are different things.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
Even if you went in with an organizer and got things all settled and nice, unless the underlying issues are dealt with, it will go back to being exactly the same in no time at all.
They don't feel there are underlying issues other than you bugging them about it. In that case, unless it's bad enough for authorities to get involved, there's not much you can do. You can't force them to see what you want them to see. Don't let it consume you.
Love them. Back off a little. Maybe try a gentler approach.
If they won't get counseling, you can. You can get help to understand the dynamics so you can release some of the anguish you feel.

I wish you the very best.

my mom lives by herself and is a compulsive shopper. she also has kept EVERYTHING from the past 60+ years. its not "piled" like the show Hoarders, but its organized. she has wall to wall furniture, bookcases and shelves packed full with stuff. She also has 3 cats and a dog that pee and poop in the house and although she cleans it up, its disgusting. my kids are older now so they dont sit on the floor anymore which helps. but I have tried to move all parties/holidays to my house. we do on occasion go over there but really limit our time. we just feel so stressed out with all the STUFF around! anyway, my advice to you is that you all have said your peace, its now up to your parents to do something if they choose. if not, you really can't do anything unfortunately. don't go over there anymore and have them to your homes instead. its tough but you need to keep yourself and your family happy and you can't make them do something they don't think needs to be done. good luck.