Mean Girls - Arlington,TX

AND... This is why I took 'boy' type classes... This is why most of my friends were boys. This is why I work in 'man land' now.

This is an issue very near and dear to my heart. I went through "girl bullying" in grade school/high school, so I have always been prepared to talk my daughter(s) through it.

I HIGHLY recommend the book, "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons. Girl bullying is very different from the typical bullying that most people think of. Girls can bully by looks, excluding each other, "labels", etc. It's not pushing each other around on the playground, so much. (Although that can happen, too). The book explains it all and has such good information. My daughter is almost 9 and it started in kindergarten. When she is old enough, I will have her read the book, too.

Unfortunately, there's not much the teachers, school etc can do for the girls who get bullied. There's no witnesses like there might be in a fist fight or pushing. These are sneers from one girl to another. It's words like, "I won't be your friend if_______". Teachers can't really punish the offenders for that. Most cases, it's one girl's word against another's. I would say each and every girl will hear this.....that someone won't be their friend for such and such. It's very common. Heart-breaking, but common. The best thing to do is talk to your daughter. Make sure she feels safe coming to you with her concerns. Teach her to love herself and do her best to let the words and hurtful moments roll off her back. I know, not easy. But, you can talk to her about why girls will do that. They feel frightened, threatened, jealous, etc. The book explains a lot of the behaviors and just learning the whole tangled weave, may help you explain "why" a little easier. I feel for you. Be your daughter's support, and hopefully you both will get through the next 10 years without mega drama!!!!

I've got a second grade boy and you're right--that doesn't happen with boys. They very easily figure out the pecking order and go about their lives. Girls though--very different.
It's a metaphor for relationships the rest of their lives: Boys punch each other in the face then finish the kickball game, girls scheme and pick sides etc f-o-r-e-v-e-r. :(
Just continue to teach her right from wrong and to follow the rules. If anyone hurts her she needs to let the teacher or playground monitor know asap.
And the school really IS responsible for not allowing bullying.
It's probably bothering you more than her. It's hard to see, I'm sure.

I'm so sorry. Girls can be so mean! I would have a conversation with her about true frienship, and that anyone who uses their "frienship" as a threat to be taken away is NOT a true friend. The response to "I won't be friends with you if you go to so and so's party or I won't be friends with you if you are friends with her" is "that's your loss" or "that's too bad" And yes, encourage frienships with boys too. My youngest is in 3rd grade and counts a few boys in her class as some of her best friends. When asked why she has so many good friends who are boys. She said, "that's because boys don't care about who can be in the club or not, they just want to play and have fun at recess, and so do I" Now any pushing, pinching and rock throwing should be reported immediately! Call it what it is, physical bullying, and if your daughter is the victim, make sure you are reporting it to the teacher AND the principal, and nicely tell them you expect the school to ensure her physical safety at school, so what action steps will be taken to ensure this never happens again? I had to do this when my daughter was slapped in the face at recess (also in first grade). Instances need to be reported and documented before kids who are hurtful spiral out of control.

I find it very interesting that you are bringing this up when your daughter is in first grade. My son was in first grade last year at a private school and the girls were seriously mean. You say that the boys don't have problems, but trust me, the girls are being mean to the boys as well. My son would come home crying because the girls would not let him play with them. Anyway, last year, (he's in 2nd grade now), I wasn't very smart about this whole situation. I just talked to my son about the fact that the girls are mean and that he should focus on playing with the boys and if no one would play with him, then he should read a book. I did NOT focus on the situation (wrong of me).

This year (in 2nd grade), my son is in public school. I moved him for reasons unrelated to the mean girl scenario, but I am SO glad I did move him. He is MUCH happier now. At the beginning of the school year, I asked the new teacher what they did about bullying and cliques, etc. They said that they do NOT allow them to form. I think our public school manages this situation MUCH better because my son has never complained about anything like the mean girls this year.

So, my advice to you is to get serious about addressing this at your school. Talk to the teacher - if that does not resolve it, talk to the principal or whoever in the office deals with these types of issues. If that does not resolve it, talk to the main mean girl's parents. Don't let it go. My son was miserable last year and I let it go because I didn't think the situation could be any different. Now, I see that it can be different and the children can be happier.

Good luck!!
L.

Hi,

I have dealt with it and it still continues, unfortunately. :( My best advice is to just keep telling your daughter to just walk away and tell an adult if she gets hurt, especially physically. Another option would be to talk with the principal, since you have already mentioned it to her teacher and there does not seem to be any resolve. I am currently dealing with my 8 year old being told she is fat by a mean girl. It hurts her feelings and is making her think about her weight (she does not have a weight issue). My 5th grade daughter has not had any issues (knock on wood) since we moved to Texas. Although she has learned to walk away. Kids are mean. Girls are meaner. See if your daughter can make friends with boys. It sometimes helps to have them have her back.

All the best!

Welcome to the jungle! It is worse with girls. I had 3 and went through all kinds of stuff like you described. I learned to keep my very sensitive child separated from certain little girls, and the teachers even agreed this was best to the point of putting one little girl in another class!!! It gets worse in middle school. Add to this the tendency of some parents not to discipline or take responsibility in acknowledging their own children's bad behavior, and you have a jungle mentality. If it gets too bad, consider other educational alternatives. Contrary to some peoples' opinions, kids don't need a lot of friends. A few select friends, and a good home life makes happy kids.

It breaks my heart when this stuff happens! I was at the McDonalds playplace with my two daughters (5 and 2) the other day. One of my daughter's friends from kindegarten showed up. My daughter was ecstatic b/c she has always wanted to play with this child outside of school. So my daughter, her friend, the friend's 7 year old sister, and my little one played together. All appeared to get going well. Then I see my 5 year old come over looking very sullen. She said her friend said "I won't be your friend if you wont go down the big slide". I was a little shocked, but the girls seemed to make up on their own. Then awhile later I saw the 4 of them talking. I wanted my oldest to be able to work things out on her own, but I intervened. The friend and her sister were telling my daughter that "even your baby sister will go down the big slide" (unfortunately my little one is a bit more outgoing than her older sister) and "we wont be your friend unless you do it too". I said "why don't you all meet at the bottom and go down whichever slide you want? It is okay for everyone to make different decisions, right?" They all went their own way at this point and my daughter did give her friend a hug goodbye. Unfortunately, the incident did hurt her feelings. She said to me on the way home "if one of my friends didn't want to do something, I would respect her opinion. I wouldn't make her feel bad about it." So I guess the good news is my daughter is very sweet and didn't give into peer pressure. The bad news is this type of behavior does start very young. With my own daughters, I just say they should continue to be nice to everyone and hopefully teach them some tools about what to do in the future. For instance, she can just continue to go down whichever slide she wants and say something like "race you to the bottom" and hopefully not let "mean girls" get the better of her.

Our elementary school was written about in the newspaper for the anti-bullying program. I think the girls are much kinder to each other than in my memory of girlhood so I credit this program.You might suggest something for your school.