Mediators

B., I am an attorney with 11 years of experience, what did you have in mind? A mediator is a lawyer with mediator training. I would be happy to answer any questions you have and try to help. J. B

My ex and I originally used lawyers, but they were only interested in getting us into court, even though they claimed that they "didn't need our money." I eventually told my ex that I couldn't do it anymore, and we found a mediator, who was great! He helped us fashion a fair settlement of all of our issues, and then we had a lawyer draft the papers to file with the court. Much more human, pleasant, and cheaper. But you and husband both have to be willing to go this route. I'm a lawyer, by the way (not matrimonial).

are you talking about custody/visitation of children or about divorce or something else??
as far as children go, my husband and i talked to a great family law lawyer who was reccomended to us by a good friend. She was amazing and met with us for free the first time just to talk. She discussed using a mediator vs. lawyer and actually said that if his ex was cooperative and they could meet in the middle and agree on things that a mediator would be enough.
We knew a mediator wouldn't be for us because his ex is not easy to work with most of the time and played a lot of games. So we used our lawyer and it turned out GREAT. She was wondeful!
Then his ex tried to take him to court for support as retaliation, but she didn't use a lawyer (we used ours since we already had her retained) and his ex didn't do so well... that also may have something to do with the fact that my husband was OVERpaying for his income and gave any money as she asked him for it... so i don't know that a lawyer would have even helped her, except maybe to tell her she needed to get more information before taking it to court... my husband agreed to continue the amount he was paying too, the sweet guy he is (but did take a decrease in the % of medical coverage he was required to help her pay for - his ex and her husband make a lot more money than we do so they don't really NEED our full 50%)! If you're interested in a good family lawyer just let me know and i can give you her name! She wasn't cheap, but in my opinion she was worth it!

i believe mediators are more tuned into our needs as clients whereas lawyers are more connected to their own financial needs, and the client is secondary. Mediators feel like community to me, and not a business - so i am more apt to feel comfortable and open to dialogue. It is two sided, with everyone involved and everyone can benefit if they are open and listening - and not just with ears.....it is helpful to listen with intuition also. Does this sound too much like a hippy response.....? actually, i suppose it really is just that, so a small grain of sand in the universe has just jumped up and responded! yipee.!!!

Joanna gave a good answer! My Ex and I used a mediator who was an absolute putz (didn't calculate support properly, documented fees improperly, etc.). My ex is a bully and used verbal intimidation with me throughout the marriage. We did NOT agree on parenting style and other things. Our mediator was unable to address the bullying adequately because he had to remain neutral... Several thousand dollars into the mediation I retained my own attorney and am happy having her advocate for me (we are not done yet). If you and your Ex relate well and maturely than a mediator is great! If not, I might recommend a private attorney instead. Good luck!

It all depends on what you are wanting to use one for.

I would recommend contacting Layer Moms for some advice- lawyermoms.net

B., It all depends on what you need one for....Could you tell us a little more?

I heard that it will save you a lot more money if you use a mediatator.

a mediator is an objective party with no personal agenda. If you want someone to fight your side, go for a lawyer, if you want things worked out, go with mediation.

I would talk to a lawyer first, find out your rights and then maybe go for mediation.

Hi dear-
I don't know what other people are going to say to you, but here's what I think and I can only pray it helps ease your mind. My son talks and he's going tobe two in February. He uses the same type of sentences your child does. In fact i read an article that had a developmental time line on it. It said that at the age of 2 kids should be putting 2 and 3 words together, NOT making complete sentences. I think your child is developing just fine, as is mine. Besides you are the only person who knows what it is your child is actually capable of. So let the others talk and tell thier stories, and you can say "wow thats amaizing" or "good for them", or "you must be so proud". Do not however feel that your child is inferior, because she's not by any means. If she wasn't saying anything then maybe you should worry. I also agree that all parents exaggerate the stories, it called bragging and we do it cause we're proud. She is doing fine, and you never know. Maybe tomorrow she'll start saying sentences, and use the potty. thats another thing I was potty trained at 18months too, my son still doesn't want to use the potty. I've heard you shouldn't even start trying until their 3 anyway.

Though I believe that you have absolutely nothing to worry about, I want you to know that I know exactly where you are comming from. I worry that my son is not developing like he should too, but the truth is he does amaizing things and he is developing at a "normal" pace and so is your daughter.

I hope this isn't too rambly and it helps ease your mind.
A.

I am a paralegal for a family/matrimonial law firm in New York for the past 10 years. In my experience, we feel it is always better to attempt mediation before hiring a lawyer. Eventually, a lawyer will be needed regardless to complete the divorce itself but if you and your husband are able to amicably talk to one another and have similar ideals with regard to what you want for your children, agree about how property should be distributed, etc, it is much less expensive to have a settlement agreement drafted by a mediator, which would be incorporated into your divorce judgment.

J.

I would infact talk to a lawyer first to find out what my rights are....Once I have a good understanding of this and what I want and what is possible....I would try a Mediator. But know if both parties are not willing to meet each other half way...it wont work. It takes 2 to bend, two to care enough to bend, so go into this knowing what is really important to you and what is not.

Also know if you go up this road with a lawyer....Your Lawyer will see only YOU as the client. He/she will go after things at any cost in terms of your benefit in your case.... which most of the time will effect your children and not in a good way. Lawyers do in fact cause lots of anger between their client and spouse and then both parties, begin to use the children by putting them in the middle of how they begin to deal with each other... Tell your MOM this...Tell your Dad NO WAY etc...and it gets worse as the anger grows between you. If you and your husband aren't careful you'll find yourselves and I do mean BOTH OF YOU putting your children through HELL in trying to hurt each other. I've seen it all to often in action and these people don't even realize they are doing it. And when told this is happening, they are so angry, they don't even hear it or begin to deal with it.

I would like to tell you and your husband not to forget the reasons you got married for in the first place....back then you thought each other were great people....you guys were in love. Today you are both the same people....just maybe not in love with each other anymore...both needing to move on.... You both bleed, both hurt, both need to live and survive in a hard world and need each others support to get there...and a way to get there is to both understand that BOTH NEED TO PUT THE CHILDREN FIRST. So be careful of draging your children into any of the anger you guys feel.