My Sons Father Just Doesnt Get It!!!

In dealing with things (men and children) I have learned that there are 3 things to change...1) the situation 2)the other person 3)you or how you deal with it. In that order it sounds like you are at 3.

It's hard

Hello

Well, to be honest its nothing you can do to make him step up his game. He's 20 and men mature at a much slower rate than women, I have a daughter by a 35 year old and he is still more inconvenienced by paying child support than understanding the importance of raising his daughter both emotionally and financially. So, dont expect miracles. Give him responsibility take days and times that he has to take care of his son and maybe if some of his guy friends get it they can help talk to him. Part of it he's defensive and knows he should be doing more but he probably doesnt know how to. Men are not born with the inate nuturing skills that women have when going from being a single person to a mother. So, give him time and responsibility alittle more at a time so he doesnt get overwhelmed and run. but also be prepared that you have you and your son protected. What I mean is having a place to live you can afford without him, and to get some kind of child support arrangement going because otherwise it can take up to a year like mine did. Keep building your education and your employment skills so that if things dont work out your okay. Lindenwood University has a dorm for single mothers with one child. Great way to get an education and still have a campus life with your child.
Good luck!!

Hi S.,

I know exactly what you are talking about but for me it was about 17 years ago. My husband was the same way. He thought he didn't need to grow up and he didn't need to help me or change and be a responsible adult to his child.

The only thing I can tell you is be patient men mature at a slower rate, VERY slow rate compared to woman.
But a couple things you can pass his way that my husband has learned...
1) he will never be able to get back these times right now that your son is this age.
2) this is the time your boyfriend needs to be building a bond with his son, because if he waits as long as my husband has it will be to late.
3) One thing that might help is when you are talking to your boyfriend let him know the things you need by saying "I" and "me". Like "I" could really use your help cleaning the kitchen. Or "I" have the kitchen to clean, a load of laundry to start would you mind helping with one of those or keeping an eye on your son. Like take him in the living room and play with him or take him for a walk while I do these things.

The one thing I can tell you is men don't start growing up until they hit around 30 and even then sometimes it still doesn't happen so just be patient.

S.....men just don't mature as fast as women do. I can truly relate to you & you may not want to hear this but they often just don't get it. You've learned to adapt to being a mother, he hasn't & some of the ways you could help him too is to give him the opportunity to DO more. Give him the early morning feedings, (wake-up calls), let him bathe the baby, when you hear him (your son) tell him that your son is calling for you, let him dress him, pick out his clothes, PACK the diaper bag, take him to the sitter (pick him up)..bottom line SHIFT some of the load on to him. I know, I know you may LOVE doing ALL of these things but they often take us & our roles for granted & they need to share in them as much as possible. Good luck to you & God Bless!

First I want to say that I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. As if becoming a first time mom isn't hard enough. You have gotten what sounds to me like very good advice from these women. I am not an expert in this area because my husband stepped right up to the plate, but I know a little bit about male psychology. He is going to have to make the decision on his own and when he's ready. Every time you remind him that he's not doing his part what he hears is "you're not good enough" or "i do not trust in your ability to do this". although you may feel this way at times, you have to lead by example and find ways to show to him that he is capable of being a mature and responsible father. when he attempts to do something with the baby, but doesn't do it "quiet right" let it go - he tried. compliment him on his attempts and encourage him. make him feel like he can do it, and maybe his attitude will change.

i really hope this works out for you. it breaks my heart to see men or women who refuse to be a parent to their children. keep pushing through and pray every chance you get. God NEVER gives us more than what He knows we can handle, and He ALWAYS takes care of our needs.

S.,
I have to agree with everyone else! I was 16 when I had my first girl and her dad was 18. Mine didn't get any better cause I didn't do some of the things everyone else said! I never wrote anything down for him to do. I just kept telling him to grow up....that don't work. We are not together anymore. We were together for 5 yrs. and had 2 beautiful little girls who are my world. They are 7 and 4 now. He is now married to another woman and from what I can tell he still hasn't grown up. So all I have to say is LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!! Most of the time your answers lay there!

Hi S.,
I take it you and Carter's dad live together? If so, here's my 2 cents...
Whether you and Dad love each other is now #2 role in your life, as you already know since Carter is #1.

Decide exactly what you want Dad to do and write it down for him--men tend to do things in a logical, concrete way...he may truely not know how to contribute without direction. (Your list could be, he's in charge of bathtime, diaper changes after 5pm, and morning drop offs at daycare...whatever makes your life a little easier, and doing these things will help him connect with the fact that he has a kid and can contribute.) Don't argue about it with him--just give him the list and say, "here's what will help me, if you want to do different things, ok, what's your ideas?" If he doesn't help out with your list and doesn't contribute emotionally with his son, then you can't make him--it's his choice.

In that case, sadly and tearfully, you should think about going through the courts for child support and kick him out. Difficult, stressful, and hearbreaking, but that may be the only way to wake him up. Plus Carter picks up on the stress between you two, and the fighting, and the little guy doesn't need that.
Also, the human brain doesn't finish growing til around age 24...maybe Dad will get it in later years. But don't short change Carter by not getting child support--it's not revenge, it's a way Dad can contribute while helping you to cope on your own, since it seems you're already doing that.
What is best is not what is easy...but the hard road may lead you to a better life in the long run--there may be someone you meet in life who can't wait to be a step dad to Carter, you never know. Use the support of your friends and family if you can, and good luck.
Angie

Girl,Iam not going to sit here and tell you a long story about what i went throu,Yes most of the advice has been correct.Allways remember we all have to go throu somthing in order to become wiser yes we may fall but we get back up.Yes, concentrate on you and the little one stay focused on Jesus.and last but not least. PRAY,PRAY,PRAY AND ASK GOD FOR WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED.Good Luck-if you want to know the prayers behind my story check back with me GOD BLESS

My husband and I are 36 years old, and we have a 5y/o and a 2 y/o, and I have to tell you that it doesn't matter how old you are, men are slower. Do you want the real deal advice? #1-Don't criticize him. He can get the diaper changed, the baby fed, dressed, burped, EVERYTHING just fine-it may not be YOUR way, but it is ok to let him just do it anyway. My kids LOVE the way Daddy does things and they LOVE it when I go to work because he's laid back and they have a great time with him! see #3
#2-DECIDE! Do you love the Dad or not? You have to decide whether you want him (good AND bad) that is what you get in a marriage the good and the bad, and you are unconditionally bound to that person. You are going to have to decide if you are committed or not. IT IS SO MUCH EASIER TO BE A GOOD PARENT WHEN YOU KNOW THE DADDY HAS YOUR BACK BECAUSE YOU ARE TOGETHER. THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM. NOT TRUSTING EACHOTHER AND "TRYING" TO MAKE IT WORK. stop "trying" and actually make a commitment. Commitment means doing the thing you said you would long after the feeling you said in has gone. Did you say you loved eachother when you made that baby?
#3-Men are followers. If you set a good example for him and you behave the way you would like him to behave he will follow your lead and do the same. My husband sees me do a chore around here and he does it too. If I'm folding laundry he joins in and folds with me-stops watching TV and helps me fold. When YOU do the right things he will follow you. If you TELL him to do the things you want he will resist you and resent you. If you DO IT he will too! Think of all the things he's already followed you on. He will always be behind you AS LONG AS you always do what's right, and gently coax him along with all your womanly powers. We have the power to give birth and we have the power to mold and shape our men and our lives into exactly what we want and need-gently, softly, sweetly, it all comes together just like we wanted. I have a sister and 3 friends who believe in this philosophy-and we are all married and have great kids and great lives. We created it all for ourselves. So, decide if he is the one for you, and let him take care of Carter the best way he knows how-it will be fine if he screws up and puts the diaper on backwards or the onesie on top of the sleeper. It's ok. Don't fight with him. Don't complain to him, don't put him down. It's our job to build up our mate and make him feel great. (he will follow your lead and before you know it he will be telling you what a good job you do and a good mama you are!) I promise if you give him compliments today your whole relationship will change. Good job with that bottle daddy! I like the way you...notice he does it differently...and tell him that his way is good and works too! I promise it works! ASK HIM IF HE REALLY WANTS TO PARTY AND LIVE HIS TYPE OF LIFESTYLE AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS SON'S LOVE OR YOUR LOVE. Because there is nothing that can even describe how it feels when your child tells you he loves you and when your son says "I want to be Daddy, pretend I am the dada and you are the kid." You feel so good to know that the kids look up to you. If you are a loser or have not always done right by your child even when they were an infant, that is going to be such an overwhelming guilt and regret that you will like a stain on your heart and every time you look into your child's eyes you will hurt inside! And your child will look into your eyes for the rest of your life! So don't do anything you will regret or that you won't be able to look them in the eyes after ward.

Hi S.,
I can understand what you mean about needing help. Without going too into my own story, I will tell you that I just had a conversation with my husband last night about him need ig to be/do more. I stay at home with my 19mo and his 5yr old. When we got married my life was turned up sode down as well. Men dont understand all the changes that women go through with babies, marriage...and we as women need to start filling in the blanks for them. My advice to you is to sit down with your son's father and let him know what you are feeling and what kind of roler coaster you are on. Don't blame him-just tell him. If you need to brign up the fact that you don't see it working out between the two of you with you feeling like you are making all the sacrifices, then tel him that too. Make sure he knows you DO appreciate what he DOES DO but you just are looking for a support system and you want it to be him. Don't raise your voice and if it seems like he is getting upset just keep telling him about the good things he does do and why you want it to work with him.
This is great training for youfor when your son is about 5...this is kind of what it will be like to talk to him :) AND if you feel like crying-DO IT. My husband seems to listen a little better if I cry :)
I don't mean to joke about it but men are idiots and if we try to hard to "fix" them we will drive ourselves crazy. Good Luck to both of you.

All the advice you have received is right on. Many many women, not just 20-year-olds go through this. I did and it wasn't pretty. The important thing for you to do is to address it now and not let this go on for years and years. If it takes 10 years for him to get it, you will be worn out, angry, frazzled, and even if he grows a halo and becomes Mr. Helpful, it will be too little too late. The damage to your relationship will be done. Trust me, if he won't listen, and puts up defenses when he's asked to help, you are better off raising your child yourself. Whatever his problem is, you can't solve it. He's an adult. You should treat him like an adult. Adults are expected to take responsibility for their lives and their children. Those who refuse need to get the consequences sooner rather than later. You are not doing him any favor by allowing him to shirk his responsiblities. That just enables him to continue doing as little as possible. You don't want your son to grow up with that as a role model. Then you have another generation of the same problem.

I know what you are talking about, I had my two kids by the time I was 21. It is so hard and tiring, and I found myself becoming bitter and resentful towards my now fiance. He and I barely knew each other when I became pregnant with our daughter and not only were we about to have a child together we were still learning about each other. It is hard and at times a stressful situation, but if you truly care about each other it will fall into place. Worst case, it doesn't work. BUt do know that you are both young and it is an adjustment for both of you, he will eventually get it. And if he doesn't then you really didn't need him around your son anyway. I know that is harsh but I had to make that decision with my sons father.It ultimately comes down to what you think is best for your child, not you or him. Just know that it can be done on your own if need be,it is never anyones dream to be a single mother, but it has been done and have faith in your abilities. I hope that whatever happens with your situation you and your son are well and happy.

I understand what you are going through-- and feel for you. I have been there and done that-more then once-- The best thing that I can suggest is that you do what you can for your son--while you can- Make rules that ALL people who are connected with him have to abide by--this includes the father-this will make life a lot simpler, or at least an attempt to get back on track--I found out- then you can say that it is a rule and we have to abide by it- such as-- eat this or that -or not-- liek I did not allow my son to have sugar on his cereal etc-- and I had to make sure that the gma on his dads side follow thru with this-- she challenged me -- and I said that is it- Part of what I am saying is that you do what you feel is right to protect your son--doing your best and then you do not have to worry--IF the father wants to be a part then he will follow these-- I wish that Ihad not forced my sons father to be a part of his life--he woul dhave been a lot better off!-- so think about what you want and need along with your son and go from there-- what is in the best interest of your son-! Good luck!

I've been there too. I was 21 when I had my first of four and my husband was 23. It takes A LOT of patience and work to make a relationship work. I found nagging is the worst thing you can do, they just don't hear you when you complain and ramble. Reinforce the good things he does and tell him you know he can do it. Act like you trust him to take good care of him when you go to the store or somewhere. Give him credit when he does do good. As far as changing his lifestyle, I agree, he just won't. Men in general don't have that instinct like women to change and be more responsible when a baby is in the picture. I am 37 now and still with my same husband. He hasn't changed, although he has matured SLOWLY. And I really wanted him to change a lot of things too when we had kids.

I agree with the first response. Sad to say alot of men cant deal with certain things in life, just love your son and be there for him he needs one strong parent to take care of him. Hopefully the DAD will realize what he is doing and do his part. Just remember WOMEN mature quicker than MEN. Does he work? Is he out of the house alot? If so when he gets home, just tell him oh hun u she see what your son did today, wether he smiled or made a noise, just keep telling him everyday how wonderful and beautiful he is, some men just dont get it I agree.

Good Luck

Hope he comes around soon.

when you figure it out or when someone can tell you ... PLEASE let me know! My husband and I just turned 30 last year ... and you and I are in the same place when it comes to our son's and it sounds like our significant others are in the same place too. I wish I could help ... I'm ready to start considering divorce even. But that would be so hard on our son, and we have a second one due in a couple weeks. It really is devastating ... all that being said, I was told by a very wise woman that there will be years of ups and years of downs (in the grand scheme of things) and you just have to roll with it. Some days are harder then others to roll with it.

S.,
I know you have a lot of other advice and I tried to read all of it, so if this is redundant - sorry :)
I think most moms experience this in some form or another so take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. I am not married to my son's father either, which didn't bother me when we decided to have a child, but there seems to be a need for more security once that little angel comes into your life.
My advice would be to keep your relationship with him and him helping with your son as two separate issues - talk to him about them separately. That will cut down on any confusion.
Next, try to talk to him at a time when you are not upset and you can stay focused. Write down what you want to talk about if that will help you...Being a mom is so emotional and it's easy to let that get the best of you.
Lastly, try and give him a list (verbal or written) of the specific things you need help with. (I have had to do this myself & it's the one thing that finally worked!) It seems men respond best to tasks rather than the abstract idea of 'helping.'
Best of luck with everything - I'm sure you can find a balance that will make you both happy.

That sounds frustrating. If you've spoken to him about it several times and he doesn't want to change, it may be time to let it go. You can't control his behavior and if you try, you'll end up feeling angry.

That isn't to say you shouldn't still ask for help. But you may have more luck asking for specifics like, "Can you give him a bath because I'm worn out and I just need a few minutes."

Guys don't tend to see what needs to be done. You have to be very specific. If you're already doing that and he still won't help, keep asking without any expectations. It may give him time to mature and "get it." I've also found that leaving my kids alone with my husband helped him bond with them. Then he felt more comfortable taking care of him.

Don't give up, but don't expect anything and you might be less stressed. Enlist other people if you need help and you have family. Hope it gets better.

Don't worry it will get better. My husband and I went through it when our son was born. He withdrew and I resented, there were nights that I would have slaved over dinner, would have the house cleaned even the boy was sitting at the table waiting for dad to get home from work. My husband would come in fix a plate and go up to the bedroom while my son and I ate dinner together. I began to journal because talking about it would result in total shut down. I also prayed about it. Well my husband found the journal with all of my unsensored thoughts about his drive by parenting, not to mention once the boy got older and could talk he told like it was. "Daddy's never around", or " I love mommy more because she spends time with me". It really made my husband step up to the plate when he realize what his family thought about him. Our son is 5 now and in love with his father and we have been married 8 years, we still have our moments but time heals all.

Samatha,
I had my oldest son when I was almost 19 and I went through the same thing. From what I have experienced, it seems that guys take longer to mature. In my experience, my boys father didn't really step up to the plate until he was around 24. The best advice I can give you is to do what you can to not have to depend on your son's father and appreciate what he does do for the both of you. I hope he learns to step up before my ex-husband did. If not, the best thing I can tell you is to do what you have to for your son and yourself! I wish you the best!

S.,
I totally understand what you are feeling, My husband and I had 4 children by the time I as 23. (and no, not all were planned, but they were not mistakes either) But as young married couple our life was hectic & chaotic. (that is an understatement) Men are just slower to mature. And the arguing was a huge part of the early years. But now looking back, I wish I would have handled my stress differently. I agree, he should be there to help raise his child. But you have to look at how he was raised, and take into consideration the people he hangs out with. That will play a HUGE part in the growing up process. Try to talk to him, not at him. If he is anything like my husband, once you start to raise your voice, he tunes you out. Tell him how you are feeling. Without yelling or placing blame. Ask him what he feels his role is? And where does he see himself in the coming years? As far as you and your son? If he can't answer you, tell him to think about it. Then ask if he feels his son deserves to have a father who WANTS to be an active part of his life? I believe this will answer a lot of questions for you and him. If after time, you still don't see a change, then you might have to come to terms with the idea of you being a single parent. As long as your son has you, he WILL be fine. And there are plenty of men out there who don't mind being a father to someone else's child. A side note, my husband and I are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary this week. SO... there is hope. It takes a while to train them right!

S.

When I read this I thought my sister was writing it. The similarities are scary. She is the same age as you as is her boyfriend and her name is S.!! Freaking me out a little. She calls me everyday with this same dilema. All I can tell her is to be the best mom she can be without his help because chances are he is not going to come around until he realizes he needs to. You telling him to grow up and be a dad is not going to make him change. He has to want to. I just tell her that she needs to be prepared to raise her kids (she has a 19 month old and a 3 week old) on her own and if he helps that is great, but don't count on it. I know that doesn't sound ideal, but you have to do what's best for your baby. My heart goes out to you because I know how much it can hurt. Just remember to try not to put to much energy on him because you little boy needs it more. Good luck to you.