Napping - Saginaw,MI

Wow, I have to say reading between the lines: it's very obvious the negative tone you have about her mother. Why on earth would you tell any child that her dad "has to" give 1/2 of his money to her mother in order to take care of her. Maybe part of the issue is that her grandparents spoiled her rotten when they had her (that is what grandparents do). Maybe part of the problem is that she is getting to the age she is understanding how much you dislike her mother and she is acting out because of it.

I don't think you should have to explain to a 4 year old the child support her dad pays to her M.. Nor do I think you have to do things to keep her "wanting" to spend time with you. He's her dad and little girls love their dads.

As for her behavior, I would suggest maintaining and enforcing the rules that must be obeyed in your household. Clearly let her know "we don't talk like this here" and stress "here" because then she'll began to remember what's not allowed in your home. Or firmly remind her, that she cannot "demand" anything. Responding to demands from a child is only creating a little monster!

I had to spend time between my dad's family and my M.'s family when I was a kid. Trust me...til this day...at age 41, I remember what was allowed in both familys' homes. I knew what I could get away with and what I could not get away with. I recognized which grandparents believed in spanking and which ones did not believe in spanking. LOL Kids are clever! Give them an inch and they'll soon take a mile.

I am a step M. to an 8 year old. I have been since he was 2. We have had patches where he talks about doing whatever at his M.'s house. And we know there is no discipline over there. We also know they spend money like it grows on trees. As he has gotten older of course he knows the differences now, but then he didn't.

What we ended up doing, was making sure the rules at our house were consistent EVERY time he was with us. We bought poster board and put rules on there, and i believe there are only 10 rules on it, but the are the ones we felt were most important. If he started doing something he shouldn't we took him to the board and showed him the rules. For a while, we did read them to him every time he came over to "refresh" his memory.

When it comes to what he does with his M., we encourage him to talk about it if he wants to. if he says they did something, we tell him that it sounds like fun and asks what they did when doing that activity. We don't start off asking things, but when he tells us talk about it. We listen and have been able to do simple things with him that he doesn't do with his M.. We take him to the park, the library, out garage saleling. Anything that uses little money. We don't talk about money with him at all, but as he has gotten older he realizes that there is a money difference. of course we could spend more, but we chose to save it, and do things differently.

We will do "special" things with him, but only every few months. It's a treat then and he knows it. Unfortunatly you can't make her want to be with you, so don't try to get into that trap of who spends more money. The best thing you can do is spend more time with her and do things that way. my stepson would chose to be with us all the time over his M. and it's becaseu we give him time. We play games he helps me in the kitchen and we spend that time with him. Where his M. is about the money she can spend. Everyone is different, and yes kids will remember. Time is really the best thing you and her dad can give to her.

A 4yr old does not understand the value of a dollar, the cost of things, or issues like child suppport and they shouldn't...therefore, you should not have to discuss it. You and your husband have to enforce the rules of your home and be consistent. Kids always want to do fun things but that doesn't always have to cost a lot. Go to the park, do crafts, read, play etc. Of course she wants your attention, you said she doesn't spend a lot of time with you and I am sure she misses her dad. Doing those things with her should help with that too.

There are no easy answers in this situation. Divorce naturally allows the child to develop the "divide and conquer" manipulative strategy that ALL children try, since usually divorced parents are not on the same team. It is certainly possible that her M. is feeding this in her as a way to get back at your husband. BUT it is not necessarily all her fault either. Its just the nature of trying to raise a child in two separate homes.

I'd sit down with your husband and figure out some house rules, things like being respectful and considerate towards both you and your husband. This would be an umbrella for the "demanding to go do things that cost money" category, but would include lots of other behaviors. It helps to have a general rule that specific bad behaviors fall under so the child doesn't think you just have a million rules that are hard to keep up with.

Don't feel the need to defend or explain why the rules are there with things like, there isn't enough money to do that. Kids don't get how this works, so keep referring to the household rules and ask her to obey them. You can say we're not going to do that today. If she refuses to obey you, then its rebellion, and you can deal with that as your household is comfortable with.

Lastly. Actively plan fun things (that are free) to do as a family. Keep her BUSY. I don't mean you have to take her out of the house all the time either. Just have things for her to do in the yard (collecting some leaves or sticks... Then have her glue them together or tie with string...whatever...). It doesn't mean you have to have hands on time with her all day long, but plan some things she can do independently and some that you can do with her. Keep your attitude upbeat and happy. If she breaks the rules and starts whining about being board, don't get angry, just get serious (firm but kind attitude) and refer back to your family rules and explain that this is what you're doing to day and you know that she'll enjoy it.

As far as getting her to WANT to spend time with you. That's tough. Don't feel you need to BUY her love (that might be what M. and grandparents are doing, and you can never win that game), quality time and a REAL INTEREST in what's going on in her world will be the best investment in her relationship with both of you. A kid in the long run would rather have some one on one time with you doing a craft then a new toy thrown at them every time they want attention. She will try to manipulate you saying that she doesn't want to spend time with you and all that. Just let it roll off of you. Keep welcoming her when she's with you and that's the best you can do for her.

Best wishes!

You have a long road ahead of you. She is only four years old. You have rules at your home. Just keep them consistent and she will get it that Daddy and stepmomma do not mess around. As for her being disrespectful toward you and hubby. Explain that its not nice to keep asking for things, when I answer you the first time do not keep asking or you will be in a time out.

Do not explain money matters with a four year old. She has no idea and cannot comprehend what your talking about. Telling her you give her mommy half of daddys money is uncalled for. No need to stir the pot. Its called child support for the mother. He is responsible for this. No need to throw this in the face of a four year old.

When she visits have things already planed before she arrives. Such as gong to the local park, bike riding, even a small hike with a picnic lunch.....bring along a Frisbee, bubbles. Get some sidewalk chalk, jump rope. There are so many things a four year old loves to do. A tea party with her,making cupcake, jewelry. Doing her nails and yours. You can have fun for free. Maybe she has not done any of these things and will enjoy just spending time with dad and S.. Once thing I would suggest making a tradition is that she spend uninterrupted time with just her dad. Children love to spend some special time with the bio parent.

You can have a chart at your home of all the good things she does. Make it with her. Four years old demand time, its their nature. You have to implement down time. Have a schedule....it does help if she can help you with this. Four year olds love projects.

If she brings up "we do it this way at moms house" if it works at your house do it also. If not tell her nicely that dad and I do it different. Tell her how lucky she is to have so many people love her.

Have patience with her, nothing happens over night. It will take a few visits for her to understand and get used to things. But it will work if your willing and want to work at it..

Good luck!

I don't know if you have birth children of your own, but believe me this is NOT the first change that your stepdaughter will go through!! Just wait until she hits the teen years!!!
First of all your husband, as her Father needs to take the lead in any discipline and how you are dealing with things. I was a stepmother to my now adult step son from the time he was 3 years old and I can tell you that being a step parent is not an easy job!!!
I would approach this behavior as being completely separate from the fact that she spends part of her time with her Mother. In fact I would mention her Mother and her other home as little as possible while she is there. Don't let her use what she gets to do at M.'s house as a point of aggravation for you. When she says something about it you can just matter of factly tell her that you don't know how she does things at her Moms home but she is with you and her Daddy right now and you are doing the very best you can to make sure that she is enjoying her time with you.
Don't let her "guilt you" into doing things that you can't afford or wouldnt normally do. If you let that start, it will become a giant problem for you that will just continue to grow as she matures!!! Loving someone is not about how much money you spend on someone...and don't make it a "contest" between M. and Dad....because she will end up the loser if you do. She needs to learn to value relationships and spending time together.
You can do things that don't cost a lot of money. Take her to story time at the Library, visit the Farmers Market, pack a picnic lunch and go to the park for lunch, pick up a couple of loaves of bread at the day old bread store and let her feed the ducks at the local lake. Find a nature center or museum that would be of interest to a child her age. If there are children in the neighborhood that she has gotten to know, invite them over for home made ice cream, or if there are little girls, have a tea party...let them get all dressed up in some fun clothes that you pick up at the Salvation Army ( get some hats...gloves...some of your old make up....and let them play dress up. Think of the things you liked to do as a young child and talk them over with her...see which one seems most interesting to her.
Most of all..be her friend...enjoy her...let her enjoy you and her time with you...being a child of divorced parents is so stressful for a child...you just need to be there for her...on her side...loving her and maybe even being the go between for her M. and Dad if the relationship between them is not good!!!

I would not say anything to your step dtr about her father giving her mother HALF of his money. She simply doens't understand this and has no reason to know this. My ex tells my kids that he PAYS for them to be at my house and it stresses them out. So please watch what you say to her. She's 4. She only cares and thinks about HERSELF. In the long run, kids want LOVE from their parents, not STUFF. She will only learn this when she's much older. In the mean time, keep loving her. Good luck.

I think it's going to take a lot of patience in dealing with this situation. You will have to continue to talk to her, and discipline her when needed but as long as she's getting influence from her M. your journey is going to be a hard one. Good Luck!

Daisey F said it perfectly.

My daughter was 4 when I first got together with her stepdad. And her dad got together with her now S. when she was 5. But believe it or not, even though I think her dad is a (insert nasty word here), we keep an open line of communication with each other. If I think he's doing something that I don't agree with... He hears all about it. I don't get our daughter involved in that arguement... And she's 7 now! That's one thing we ALL agree on... There is no reason for her to know that her dad gave me money for awhile when she stayed with me more often.

As far as fun things to do that are very cheap or free... There are a TON of things. For us, we go for bike rides, go to the parks, go to a local fountain, have "hose fights" in the yard where we sneak up on one another and squirt each other, water balloons, hiking in a wooded area to do a nature hunt/watch, picnics, and if you always bring food and beverages to wherever you go, there's no need to purchase it. When the weather is nasty, we play with playdoh, color in coloring books together, watch a favorite movie together, dig all the way to the bottom of her toybox like it's a treasure chest... There's so many things to do. You just have to be creative sometimes. And once in a while, I will look to see if I have ingredients in my kitchen to bake something with her. She loves stuff like that.

In my family, we learned that simple, meaningful activities were more enduring and, as the grown children look back, these are what they talk about. Going to the library, picnics in our yard or neighborhood, reading those library books together, cooking together, playing dress up, playing shoe store with my shoes, art projects and an art show following, board games under a tree in the backyard, putting on a circus - there are a million things. I wouldn't be too defensive. This is your life and she'll appreciate all you do over time. Set boundaries, be sweet, love her unconditionally, communicate a lot and let her talk about her feelings. These things will go a long way. She sounds like a normal kid confused by the spoiling.

This is tough, because you can't control what her M. does, only what you and your husband do. I'd just keep your rules consistent (sounds like you do) and try to listen to her and talk to her about how she is feeling. She's old enough now to begin to communicate if she's asked the right questions. She can't understand money at 4, but she can tell you if she's happy, sad, angry... and why. Some of the behavior is typical of a 4 year old too. Hang in there.

Hi Jennifer,

I'm a S. too and can totally feel where you're coming from. I have three step children ages 17 months, 4 and 6. First of all, it sounds like you're mostly doing the "right" things. Make sure you and your husband are BOTH being consistent with yourselves and with each other... it makes it easier that way.

The other ladies were right - I'd keep the "money talk" to a minimum and offer your SD other things instead. "Treats" at your house might be fruit snacks or we even use Nutri-Grain Bar (anything she likes and may get all the time, just turn it into a treat). I don't buy cookies or ice cream and don't keep candy in the house so "dessert" tends to be those types of things.

Does she have any scheduled activities to do at your house? My step kids were here for 7 days at a time over the summer so we scheduled swimming lessons. The lessons helped break up their day and gave them something to look forward to. We also got a Wii for Christmas and have used that as a "Treat" they need to "earn." It keeps them busy and we tried to find some good games that get the kids up and moving on rainy days or are some-what educational (highly recommend Zoo World). We only let them play once a day for a certain period of time but it helps them treat the Wii as something "special".

From your post it sounds like maybe your step daughter argues a lot... my guess is that you might (naturally) argue back (i.e. saying your husband works hard to buy you things....) I used to do this all the time until it drove me absolutely insane... arguments take 2.. if you cut your side out of the conversation then she has nothing to say. It's really hard, but silence (or just repeating the first line that probably made her argue) works the best.

Ok - my last thought... check out http://stepchicks.ning.com/ its an online support group for stepmoms and it literally saved my relationship with my future husband and with his children.

Good luck!