Need Advise - Glendale,AZ

Firstly, I am sorry to hear of the children's loss. It must be extremely hard on everyone to adjust to not only the grief, but the new situations involving so much change. I did a search online, and there is a wonderful organization for children who have lost a loved one: http://www.thealcove.org/othergriefcenters.htm

Counseling is wonderful, but maybe a group like this can help them by healing with other children who truly know what they are experiencing. There are also books available on Amazon if you search for things like, when a parent dies, etc.

Blessings to you all....

I can relate to your story only that my step son's mom actually walked away from him at the age of 6 months leaving him with his dad. When I started dating my now husband, he was 5. He never really had a mom and after only dating 2 months he started to call me mom. Things were fine until I had to start being the mean step mom too. He is now 9 and I also have two sons ages 9 and 11. My step sons grandma was basically his mother figure and caused a lot of problems with our new family and not wanting to let go. Without telling your our story...to make a long story short he is now living with his grandma. I will tell you what I learned from our counseling experience. I was also a stay at home mom and being the "mean" one is pretty much the only way I could get through the day. First off, You and your fiancee need to stick together and he needs to support you. Kids at this age are very smart and can work the middle and eventually cause more problems between you two. If you and your fiancee can figure out a plan that you both agree on that will be your best plan of action. I had a problem when my husband would tell me he would take care of it...but what about while he was gone?? He didn't have to deal with all the frustration while he was at work. I was angry all the time and began to resent my step son for all I was trying to do for him. I feel for your situation. How terrible this must be for your family. The other thing is pick your battles. Don't jump on her for everything she is doing wrong just the ones that she could hurt herself or someone else. She is hurting and right now she needs you to fill that void that now has do to the loss of her mom. Most of all, do what works for you and your family. Not all counselors know everthing that will work for your family, they can only suggest things.

What a tough time for everyone involved. I feel that I am a successful stepparent. You need to acknowledge to the kids that you are not trying to take the place of their mother and that you, the kids, and dad need to figure out what your role is. If you are staying home with kids while dad works, of course you need to have some control and say with the kids. We give this power to baby-sitters, teachers, and day care providers so why can't step-parents have that power? You need it to effectively mangage and deal with kids that you are in charge of. Your man needs to back you up so you can have a consistent co-parenting team. Take turns playing good cop and bad cop. In my relationship and family, my husband does feel that I should have some say in the step-kids' lives and he supports that. You gotta hang in there cus it takes time. Give yourself a chance to build a relationship with the kids by doing fun things together. Ask the kids what kind of relationship they want. Try to compromise and talk alot so that misconceptions can be cleared up. Kids automatically think that step parents want to step in and take the place of the natural parents. Talk about how there is ALWAYS room for caring people in their lives and that you are one of those people.
Good Luck....I am living proof that it will take hard work but a good relationship can be made.
S.

Hi K.,

I lost my father at 20 and he was the most influential person in my life. Afterwards I heard that there are 7 or so stages of grieving and whether or not that's true, I can tell you that I went straight into the anger stage and stayed there for a year or two. I'm now 24 and it gets better every day. You can never expect her to get over the way she feels, but she will look at it differently as she gets older. Just love on her as much as you can, but don't give her what ever she wants, just because you feel bad for her and want to make peace. Definitely use the resources given to you by Robin. Counseling helped me through, as well. You may want to do counseling for you and your husband (and maybe the other kids, too) on how to effectively deal with the whole situation.

I'll be praying for you!

Talk to the counselor about it. Also, go to DrPhil.com and see if you can find any info their. Most of all be consistant and don't let her mothers death be an excuse for bad behavior. You don't want her to learn that it's okay to act out if you have a good reason. This is a horrible/tragic/unfair thing for her to have to go through. But it won't be the last terrible thing to happen in her life, and like so many other things - it is a learning expiernce. She is learning how to deal with grief, loss, tragedy, stress and so many other things. She needs to be taught how to do it in the right way, not a way that is harmful to her and others. I think it is great that she is in counseling and that you are concerned for her. It says alot about you. I hope you are all activly involved with her. And remember to honor her mother, she will never forget her. I lost my mom when I was 34 and I can't tell you that it is any easier to deal with today then it was when it happened. Your mom is your mom. I know you all have a long road ahead of you, with lots of twists and turns, but going down that road together will be so much easier. Your family is what gets you through the toughest things in life.
Good luck to you all.

Hi K., well where do I start, sorry for what happened to them. I can't even imagine what she is going through. I understand what you feel, you don't want to be the mean step-mom. Well I have a step mom too. She came into my life when I was about 7 or 8 and I know how she might feel. But you know what?Now that I'm all grown up and have my own kids, I now remember my step mom as a vary nice lady, no matter what my sister and I ever did she was never mean to us. Now I love her more than a step-mom. So basically what I'm getting to no matter what, always try to understand what she is going through and put yourself in her shoes. Discipline her but always without being so mean.Trust me every advise you give them right now, they will always keep it in their head. Even if you think they're not listening. I hope this all works out for you.

I don't know if you are in Denver but Judi's House is a great organization that helps children with grief. http://www.judishouse.org/
I am sure that if she gets help with the griefing process things will go better. She has a lot of emotions that she doesn't know how to deal with. Good luck!

K., I am a grief counselor at Hospice of Arizona. Her acting out is very normal and expected. We in AZ are very lucky to have several bereavement groups that are exclusively for children. Please call them. NewSong: the center for grieving children, and Stepping Stones of Hope. There is also Grief At School program to help teachers and counselors work with children who are grieving. Call her school and talk to the counselor there. I have other referrals if you are interested. My name is R. and I am in the Bereavement Department at my work. The number is ###-###-####. Please call with any questions anytime.

Hi K.,
Man, if you ever wondered how you can make a difference with your life I think this is it. I really don't have too much advice except that I feel for those two girls. I guess the only thing I would do is just love her. Only love can conquer her hurt. Hats off to you for taking on such a big task. Time will ease things a little. Just remember that this is the hardest part right now. Things will be different a year from now and be better 2 years from now. Good luck!

My mom died when I was eight years old too. I was so angry. I acted out at that age as well. My father never sought counseling or anything. This is a horrible tragedy for these girls. Just try your best to be patient and loving. Your husband definitely needs to be disciplinarian as well so you don't look like the mean stepmom.

But I would definitely get the girls into counseling asap. It will make all the difference if they feel they can talk about it to someone, including yourselves, but sometimes an objective third party is comforting too.

Hi K.,
It looks like you've gotten some really great advice, so I don't need to add much except a couple things to keep in mind...
First of all, remember that when we are emotional, we often don't communicate very well, so try to listen past what the girls are saying to understand what they mean. Ask them..."Do you mean this?" If they do great, if they don't ask them to use different words because you really want to understand and you really want to help ~ if they'll let you. (By the way, I very much agree that Dad needs to, at least for now, be the primary disciplinarian.)
Secondly, all of us need boundaries to help us feel secure, don't let them get away with things you would normally not allow. Though Dad needs to be the primary disciplinarian person, he has left them in your care, so, soon to be step-parent or not, you deserve the respect and courtesy from them. The more you treat them as you do your boys, the more they'll realize you love them too. They absolutely need extra tender loving care, but IMHO, we discipline out of love too.
Ok, I said much more than intended. Good luck and let us know how things progress. =o)

It sounds like she is regressing. What would you have done when she was 2 years old. Perhaps time outs, take away privledges,be consistent that expressing her feelings by be harmful to others is not constructive and it will cause her more pain in the long run. Don't be too concerned with being the mean step mother, make yourself a safe place to be angry and constantly talk with her about what is making her act out. If you are safe then she will be able to open up to you and unfortunately act out with you but maybe not so much with the other children. Remind her maybe if you feel it is appropriate that even though her mom is not here she can still see and her behavior should reflect the respect she has for her mom and for god if not for herself. I think that she and your family will get through this but try to be safe and guide her, remember the actions we take when we are young are considered practice and whatever the action good or bad once it is practice it is easy to repeat. I pray she finds an outlet to express her feelings about her loss.

Best of wishes,

K.

Hi K.,

Have you ever seen Dr. Phil? When it comes to step parenting he said it HAS TO BE THE PARENT (boligical parent) DOING THE DICIPLINE, NOT THE STEP PARENT! So Dad needs to step up and be the parent and get in the game as Dr Phil would say. I don't care how nice he is, being a parent means he has to has to do the hard or dirty work with his kids. If you didn't come into the picture until after 6 or 7 yrs old this is not your job, and the same with your sons, you have to do the primary discipline. If the step parent was there from the begining then it is a diffent story, because then there would be a history with them Yes, get couseling for the girls, but also get premarital couseling, and family couseling for everyone. Ann Landers once said the biggest reason second marriages fail is kids from the first. So get help before moving forward with marriage and think things through. And if you can't afford all this couseling try reading at least read Dr Phil's book "Family First" and some of his other stuff. There is other good stuff at the book store too. I think too many people are too quick to jump into marriages when there kids need to be the first priority. My now sister-in-law would not even introduce her son (age 12 at the time) to to my brother for about a year because she wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to get hurt. So, again don't rush into anything until you work alot of stuff out. Step families can work, but both parent need to work at it, and don't make the 8 yr old who lost a mother a "scape goat" because she is not behaving "good". Please think about all this.

L. Smith