Need Help!!!

One thing that I can recommend is that BOTH of you do it. This way they know that you are in agreement and not assume that they are being "left" by one parent or that the other is being "kicked out". Hopefully they won't "blame" one parent or the other and have ill feelings toward them.

You're in luck. Oprah had Dr. Gary Neuman on today to discuss this very subject. He had some really good do's and don'ts.

It's better sooner than later. If you can, you should BOTH tell them. If you do not agree on anything else, agree on the way to tell them (remember: it's not for you or him, it's for THEM).

I never had to do it myself. But, as the child of a "divorced family", I can empathise.

P. <><

I suggest that you contact a child psychologist - my soon to be ex-husband and I did that and it was so very helpful. We met with Dr. Jeffrey Siegel - ###-###-#### - and he pretty well nailed what our son's reaction would be, how to tell him, etc. It made all the difference. WE only had to meet with him one time - and I'm glad we did it. He basically told us that if we got emotional while telling our son, he would become emotional, too - and you want to avoid that at all costs. Please go see him - it will make all the difference. Good luck!

I don't know your circumstances. Is your husband brutal, awful, adulterous? If not, from personal experience, I would ask you to think long and hard about what this will do to your daughters. Not to you, to your daughters. My brother left his wife when his children where your girls' age. It has been pregnancies, divorces and hell for the last 12 years.

Can you stick it out until your youngest is off to college? Can you make it better? Can you not work as much but both of you work harder at the marriage.

I am not judging you. As I said I don't know what you are dealing with, but this will hurt your daughters for years to come. Unless, they are at risk and you must get out of the situation. I have been married for 34 years. It has not been easy, thought of divorce, etc. I have changed my view of my husband and the last years have been so much better. I look forward for another 30 years with him. My background is alcoholic father and verbally abusive home.

G.

I too am shocked at some of the responses. I am from divorced parents. I was told at age 10 and I was relieved! Yes, there was some sadness and confusion but both my parents told me it was not my fault and had nothing to do with me....that made the difference. Both were honest with me and never blamed the other in front of me. They gave me freedom to see either parent whenever I needed and no rigid visitation was enforced. Yes, this will be a difficult time and there will be more in their lives. You just get to show them that it can and will be okay. Good luck to you and your family. If you need to talk please feel free to send me a personal message.

Sit them down and explain the situation. Let them know nothing will change their relationship with either parent and they will always be welcome to call or see either one. Tell them the truth that the two of you don't get along and it would be healthier for you both to live separately. Don't say anything derogatory just that you don't get alone and will be separating. God doesn’t see you as married if you are not married in mind, body, spirit. Marriage isn’t living in the same house and having a piece of paper. Married people are one. They have sex, share dreams and companionship, stand united against all others, and should worship god together. Granted every marriage I know falls short of that on some level, but without most of it there is not a marriage. Explain that to your girls. My husband and I have not separated but both of my parents are and I have told my kids all their lives that my parents didn't get alone so they lived separately. Your girls are old enough to understand and will most likely not be shocked by the situation. My advice would be more to tell them what is going on and give them whatever options you want them to have now. Don't let them waffle between the two of you when it comes to doing what they want vs. doing what you want them to. The discipline needs to stay the same now more than ever or if not fixed if that was an issue. The girls will feel more stable and not get confused or fall into manipulating ways if that is never allowed in the first place. Think of how you will now run your home and keep it at the level. Look up passages that support you decisions and views to share with your girls, so that they know you are following the right path. It is most important that they trust your motives. May god bless you through this time of change and may you find him through this change.

there is not really a best time. i say pray for the right words and be honest. they do not need every detail of course but since they are old they probably already have an idea. you will probably be surprised with their maturity. sadly it is more common now and kids notice everything. good luck and god bless.

Since you work at a church I can only guess that you have tried EVERYTHING to work this out before separating. With that being said, should you still wish to move forward with this decision, then you both need to sit down with your daughters and tell them. I am pretty sure they have some clue as to what is going on, but it should be a FAMILY discussion.

Praying for you and your family,

J.

As many who are a child of divorce, I can definitely say tell them the truth....tell them WHY you are separating...not like down to the detail..esp if someone was unfaithful....but don't give vague answers....my mom just said they couldn't get along. I was old enough to know....me and my sister don't always get along and i can't/won't leave her.....the vague answers leave too much opportunity for the girls to decide it must somehow be their fault......not good for teenage girls already dealing with everything else.
be honest. be frank. don't badmouth your spouse.
don't namecall, point fingers. own up to your part. ......oh...and NEVER NEVER ask your kids to ask their dad where is the child support check....please please don't do that. as a child who parent asked me to do that.....it's an awful situation to be placed in.....in the middle.....

pray before you tell them. pray for them during the midst of it all. pray for your soon to be ex. stay civil to each other for their sake. your ex will ALWAYS be in your life b/c of your kids.

hope this helps.

C

Oprah just did a show on this exact topic yesterday afternoon. You might try going to her website to see if you can view videos? She had a guy on there that counsels kids that are going through a divorce and he talks about how you should approach it with your kids and what not to do. Hope this helps!

I was 18 & in college when my parents separated and I did NOT know it was coming at all, though I knew I didn't want the kind of marriage I saw they had. Oprah has done a couple of shows on this very topic that I thought were excellent. I imagine you can reference them on her website.

The most important thing of all is for you NOT to badmouth each other ever and for you to tell the kids together and reassure them that you both still love THEM very much and will be involved in their lives. And then be sure you do that.

The only thing I can say is be honest! They are old enough to handle it and too old to be kept in the dark of that sort of secret. You will probably be surprised they already know more than you think.

GOOD LUCK!

Wow...I am really surprised at some of the responses!! I am from divorced parents, actually my hubby and I both are. We are both perfectly fine, no issues as children or as adults. We see both his mom and dad, and mine as well. There are no hard feelings at all! You should never be married if you are truly unhappy!!

As for your daughters, just be honest and try not to play the blame game. Let them know that this is a mutual decision and that know one is really at fault!!

Good Luck with everything!!

If you and your husband are on speaking terms, the best way to tell them is straight up and together. It will be good for them to know that they are not the cause of your split, that the two of you have their best interests at heart, and that you both want the separation to be as smooth and painless for all involved as possible. By both of you presenting an "united front" they will be able to see that the aforementioned things are true. It is also okay for the two of you to be upset. Sometimes it is refreshing for teenagers to see that adults are "real people" too, with faults and feelings. I hope that this helps. I, too, am about to split with my husband of 18 years and found this to be the best way to tell our 16 year old, 11 year old, and 9 year old. Good Luck.

Tell the truth and fast that is what my Mom did I was 16 and I was happy just to get treated like an adult and not have her come at me with kid gloves or act like nothing was happening that is what my Dad did.
Brightest Blessing~

TOGETHER. Let them know it's not their fault and you still love them very much and both you and your husband will be very much a part of their lives; meaning, they can see you guys when ever they want. Talk about it ALOT after the fact.

Hi H.,
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. You might want to solicit the help of a counselor, or check out www.childreninthemiddle.com. There are on line classes, and a lot of information about coparenting on this website.
I am a divorce lawyer, and while there seems to be no one right way, I think the key is to do it together.
Good luck,

Dear H. H,

I am praying for you, your husband and your girls. I will pray that God will give you the words to share the unfortunate news with your children and that, if it is His will, He will restore your marriage. May He comfort all of you and give you peace.

Deb D

Sit them down and talk to your daughters.

you teens are not young kids anymore.... im sure they understand what is going on.... so the truth is always the best way.... mom & dad just cant get along anymore but we are still going to be part of your lifes..... do not ever negative talk about the other parent..... that is the most important thing..... even dow the other parent might not be the best thing to you ..... it is not fair to the kids..... good luck....

The main thing that comes to mind is that you constantly reassure them how much you love them.

If you are a person of faith, tell them truthfully that God is ALWAYS at your side and will help you get through this. Call upon the name of the Lord for strength. Good luck and God bless.

i know this is late but i have to tell you this - please buy the book "power of a praying wife" by stormie omartian - that book and god can save your marriage no matter how bad it is (unless he is abusive and then you would need to leave first and then pray) - my husband and i were seperated and about to get a divorce and thank you god, i read this book and started believing for it and praying for it - i don't think either of us ever wanted to be divorced and away from our two children but we were miserably married i think mostly because we didn't have prayer and the knowledge of how to have a good marriage - we went to marriage counseling with an amazing counselor for almost a year (weekly) and it was so helpful - it has been almost a year that we have been back together and things are going great - i am soooooooo greatful to god for restoring my marriage - anyone who says it does not affect the children is WRONG - yes they may be ok but it will affect them in some way or another for the rest of their lives - my parents divorced when i was 27 and it affected our whole family and still does to this day 10 years later - try to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place - you can get it back i promise - there was a time that i hated my husband - you can get through ANYTHING - even if there is someone else involved in either of your lives - you can overcome that - my couselor told us that only 20% of second marriages last - there will be problems in every marriage it is just how you handle them - please feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk - i know when i was seperated, someone asked me if i wanted them to pray for me and i said yes i am going through a divorce and she started praying for god to restore my marriage and the whole time i was thinking no i don't want my marriage restored, i hate him, i just need god to help me get through this divorce - i don't know if you have ever been seperated but being a single parent and/or just the fact of having two seperate homes for the kids and all that goes with it is soooooo hard - please keep this in mind and be open to god restoring your marriage - there are so many children that are affected by divorce these days and you could make a difference in your childrens lives my making a different decision - and you don't have to stay in a miserable marriage - it can be much better and it can start with you and you alone and then i PROMISE your husband will follow even though that sounds so unbelievable - trust me i have been there - i will be praying for you!!!!

As a divorce lawyer who works closely with child specialists, I have found it really best to contact a counselor or parenting coordinator together to come up with a plan on telling the children. Resources available through childreninthemiddle.com. Feel free to contact my office to discuss other ideas or resources. It's really important to be on the same page with your spouse on this. J. D. ###-###-####

Hello!

Personally, I think you should just tell them. Regardless of how you try to work it, it will all mean the same. DIVORCE. They probably already have an idea. Our children are smarter than we give them credit for.

I have to say, I was 15 when I found out and it hurt at first but afterwards I was relieved. My mom called me when I was away at church camp and afterward some friends and I went to Europe for 2 weeks so that helped a lot but I would have been ok just hanging out with my friends at home too. I'm sure your daughters have seen it coming just like I did and they'll be glad they don't have to hear the two of you fighting and see you unhappy. My suggestion would be for you and your girls to get out of town and tell them then. They'll be able to have a good time and it will take their minds off of it. They're father could take them somewhere too. It would be good for you all to get away. That and spending time with my friends was the best therapy for me. The hardest part about it was that what I wanted most was to be away from my parents while they were going through the divorce and they both wanted to spend time with me when I just needed friends to talk to that had been there. Try hard not to smother them. Hope this helps and I'm sorry about your divorce! Take care of yourself and make yourself happy and they will be happy too! They need to see that you're happier apart.

H.,

I was 14 when my parents separated. I can almost guarantee you that they know it is coming.

Just treat them like grown-ups. Respect them to be as honest as you are willing to be with them, and make sure they have their options as to where to live.

I know this is a very hard time, but you are showing your girls how to be happy.

Edit: Geez! I just read some of the responses... I agree with the people who said that you and their dad should be there when you tell them.

I sure do NOT agree with the others who are telling you basically that you should stay with this man who you no longer love! WHAT MESSAGE is THAT sending to your girls?!

Thinking back, there was always open communication between my family after the "divorce". My dad, who was my best buddy, went on this ordeal where he had to create his life all over again, but he still made time for me. My mom had a hard time starting out, as she is the one that moved out. (Odd!) But, she was NEVER happy before they separated. Seeing her living in a little bitty apartment with hardly any furniture or food was hard to see, but she was HAPPY! I hadn't seen her happy in YEARS. My dad went a little crazy - doing things (and women) that he had never done. But, as an adult, I can look back and understand. It wasn't that hard as a child though. I understood THEN even that he was having a rough time.

Bottom line - Do it for yourself. "Broken" families can happen if the parents stay married or get divorced. I don't think it is so much about the marriage - just the quality of happiness that is exposed through the parents.

You be happy, and be the best mom to your kids as I am sure you always have been. They will be fine. You will be fine. You all will move on with your lives and have grown a little from this messy, messy situation.

Being as old as they are I'm sure they know something is going on, probably more then you think they do. I agree that if at all possible you need to both sit down and talk to them. If only one does it theres the chance they are going to assume the other parent is the cause/to blame. You need to be honest to an extent, things just aren't working out..what's going to happn. Who's moving and where, how their lives will change in that regard.