Need Tips for Getting Fiance to Bond with My 8 Yr Old Son

It sound likes letting the guys go rock-climbing would have been OK, since Matt has been around for a year and Charlie seems comfortable with him being around. Charlie may be at an age where he's ready to let go of Mommy and starting following a male role model. But, that's not to say Charlie wouldn't have had a meltdown at the rock climbing place. But that episode will happen eventually with Matt, without you around, and it needs to happen so you can know if and how Matt handles it before you get married. Matt may come through with flying colors.

No offense, but I think you make it worse.
If Matt didn't like your son, he certainly wouldn't ask to spend time with him doing guy stuff. I think that if they want to go rock climbing - it's a great idea! It's something that will keep them both active and will probably keep Charlie engaged.
You set Charlie up for failure when you asked him to sit through a movie. That's really not fair.
Let them try the rock climbing... let them do it together without you and see how it goes. They might have a great time and find a common bond.
Unless you've dealt with ADHD from the beginning or you've dealt with it in your own family, you just don't understand it.
That said, maybe Charlie needs more "activity" to burn off some of that excess energy. The rock climbing or maybe even karate might help with that.
YMMV
LBC

I agree with Jane and Anna Lee. The guys would do well with some space to do some "male bonding." Of course, your instincts are to "make" it all go well, for both of them. Do your best to take a deep breath and step back a bit. You can't run other people's lives for them – not even your own children's.

It sounds like you can see the dynamic pretty clearly, and already have a sense of what might need to happen. Good for you!

First of all, kudos to you for "single-moming it" with 4! So impressive. And for having such a good relationship now. Please hold on to this guy if he's as great as he sounds - for both of your sakes.

Just to give you some perspective, I think that you are the one who's creating the tension. It sounds like you're a great mom who totally unconditionally loves her son even though he can be a handful. But it does sound like your son can be a handful - your boyfriend recognizing that isn't doing anything bad; it's just honest. Some kids are just harder to be around. Honestly, there isn't a person out there who's going to, right off the bat, love your kids, or even like your kids, the same way you do. It doesn't mean that they won't come around, it just means that sometimes it takes time.

What you have going for you is that your son doesn't seem to pick up on any negative vibe, that your boyfriend hasn't objected to spending time with your kids, and even wants to spend time with them one-on-one! This is all great.

So yes, I think you should have let them go rock-climbing. If Matt's going to be around for a while, he needs to find a way to make his own relationship with your son. Sometimes that's probably going to mean complaining about his behavior. As long as it's not mean or critical, let it go.

Finally, have you talked to Matt about your concerns? Is there a way that you can do that without it being that Matt has done something wrong? I'd try to explain the momma-bear impulse you have towards your son, but that you'd like their relationship to grow, and what can you do to faciliate that?

Good luck. It's hard to have perspective on how others should feel about our own kids, but it sounds like you've got a good guy, so I'd be inclined to give him a break.

Honestly, the rock climbing (esp if at a rock gym?) sounds like a good idea. Personally, I would go into a panic attack if someone wanted to take my adhd kiddo REAL rock climbing. Oy. But then, with as many prof climbers/adventure types I've been to too many funerals.

But something physical, with Matt being able to feel comfy (aka expert) in his environment... sounds like the *perfect* thing.

And I don't think there's any "should have" about it. You didn't do anything wrong, it was just a Learning Experience. (Hate those!) An idea is to apologize to Matt about the climbing, talking about why you freaked, and give your "I think it sounds like a fantastic idea, I was just caught off guard"

If Matt is making an effort to spend guy time with Charlie you should let it happen. Maybe since Charlie likes him so much he will listen to Matt and have a good time out alone with him. You want them to bond yet you sort of interfere with it. I'm sure you are trying to protect Charlie on the outside chance Matt says something negative as well as nipping Charlie in the bud should he decide to act out. Take a deep breath, let them go somewhere alone together and let the cards fall where they may. Tell Matt you shouldn't have prevented them from going out an encourage him to ask Charlie to go climbing again. If Matt is going to be a part of the family he has to get along with all the children not just the EASY ones. Step back momma and let them connect.

AS already mentioned,you will need to step back so they can connct. MAtt will have to see that Charlie is not always "like this". Sitting still for a movie that is usally close to 2 hrs long can be difficult for severe ADHD. Maybe they can do something else that is physical but be close to home so if you must, you can step in. Maybe bowling or bike riding to an ice cream shop? Something Chcarlie likes to do that Matt can do too. Ofcourse, this cannot all sit on you. Matt has to learn how to be with and eventually handle Charlie. If you were married, he cannot just walk off i is not good for anyone. My kids are not ADHD--though honestly sometimes they do act like it (my nephew is so I know how it can be difficult). My husband does not know how to relate to the kids very well, especially my son. He actually needs to spend time with him and do something he likes to do. HIs excuse is they don;t like the same things. I told him to make something fit. That is what you both have to do.

You blew it! YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Let them go rockclimbing! Without going into a lot of detail, I can COMPLETELY relate to your situation (biggest issue in my marriage), and I can tell you that the best, and probably the ONLY way for them to achieve a bond is for them to do things together WITHOUT YOU and with no other kids.

Encourage the rock-climbing! And any other activity they can do together, without you.

And I have to HUGELY disagree with any posters who suggested talking to Matt about how he should blah blah blah. Don't!! Send them both out the door.

You've gotten some really good answers! The fact that Matt has hung around for a year, getting to know you and your kids without having been a parent before, speaks volumes for him! I think that letting he and Charlie have some alone time is an excellent idea and the fact that he suggested an activity that takes energy means he somewhat understands Charlie.

I, too, have a child with issues - Tourette Syndrome, ADD, mild OCD, depression - and can totally understand your urge to intervene. But, you have to understand that Charlie needs to learn his limits with Matt, AND he may act totally different without you around.

When I was dating, I *thought* my then boyfriend liked my son - they seemed to get along well and my son needed a father in his life; he was not quite 2 years old at the time and had never had a dad. My boyfriend had never had children, either, but he also didn't do anything alone with my son to try to bond with him without me (nor did he even suggest it). When we discovered my son's issues, we tried it all - allergy shots, medications, counselors, etc. And yes, there were times when even I didn't want to be around my son, so I understood why my BF didn't want to be around him. My boyfriend (who I married) didn't follow through on what the counselors suggested and didn't believe that my son's behavior was caused by his issues. I was in the middle of the two of them constantly, and rightly so because my husband treated him very badly - I really should have left. To this day I feel extremely guilty because I married someone who hated my son from day one (he admitted it to both of us once my son was grown).

So, all this to say: let Matt and Charlie bond, talk to Matt about your feelings and about Matt getting educated on ADHD, see how it goes, but DON'T make any commitments until you see how it's going to go. Communication between the two of you is very key and if Matt is willing to try, then I would certainly give him a chance. Charlie is going to have a lot of interactions with a lot of people during his life, and he needs to start learning how to handle it now and how to manage his ADHD and not blame everything on it (which is what my son does). Hopefully I haven't discouraged you, because that is not my intention. Best wishes and I hope all goes well!!!

First, let me clarify that I am in no way in your shoes, so I don't pretend to have any personal experience here, but here's what I get from your post. It does sound like you need to let the boys figure out things for themselves. Climbing probably would have been a better activity for someone with ADHD than sitting and watching a movie. Don't you agree? If Matt is truly as wonderful as you describe him, he probably would understand if you had an honest talk with him that starts with "I know Charlie is hard to handle sometimes, I've had 8 years to adjust, figure out, and learn to deal with his ADHD. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm always interfereing when you try to handle things with him, but I enjoy you so much that I don't want this to cause tension". Honestly, you've had 8 years and he's your blood, can you honestly tell me that you ALWAYS enjoy spending time with him? That it's never stressful or filled with tension? You know that's not true, so allow this great guy a chance to bond and learn to deal with him. If he's not saying ugly things to Charlie and not being mean or critical or judgemental like you say, then he just has to learn to deal with him. You can also talk to him after an event and say "I thought you might like to know how I would have handled when Charlie melted down about the movie choice, I find this works well to calm him". Give both of them the benefit of the doubt. It's hard to deal with any child when their parent is in the room, so if he's a great guy, let him learn to deal with Charlie's behavior in his way. They say kids need both the calm and compasion of the mom and the rough and tumble of the dad!

I am impressed. Your BF sounds like he really wants to make it work with you by spending quality time with your son even with the challenge of ADHD. I would say whatever the boys want to do in the future that you support them. And if Matt is willing to be a good positive role model not only in Charlies life but your other 3 as well, hang on to him :)

Dear A.:

First, I think you need to have a conversation with Matt about how his comments concerning Charlie make you feel. He may not be aware of how it's affecting you. Figure out between the two of you how you can "mellow out" about his interactions with Charlie.

Second, I'd let Matt choose what activities he wants to do with Charlie. Perhaps the more active activities he has in mind will be a better fit for all rather than sitting down for movies?

Matt is doing great getting to know your kids and it's really telling that they like him. His relationship with each will be different and sometimes one child is more trying than another. Matt sounds like a great guy. I think you two can figure this out.

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daughter

I reared an ADHD child, and I know that desire to control every situation. I ran interference for too many years. As hindsight is always 20/20, I learned that my child was usually much better with others IF I WASN'T AROUND! Most kids are better when parents aren't there. Give your son and your boyfriend a chance to establish a relationship on their own. It's always hard to let go of something that has been your responsibility--especially a special needs child, but they need a life w/o you always there to prompt and control. If you think your boyfriend isn't prepared to handle an ADHD kid, give him a book on the subject to read. If you plan marriage, and you want it to work, you better start practicing now allowing your boyfriend to take charge some of the time. The biggest problems in 2nd marriages---especially with someone who never had children--is not allowing them to parent. Even faulty parenting is better than no parenting. We all have to learn how. Chill out, Mama. Sounds like you have someone who wants to try. Good luck!

You know, it's not the end of the world. I would recommend finding a good family therapist that deals with kids with difficult behavior, like ADHD, to help ease the transition into new familyhood! It's not weakness to ask for help. You've been parenting your son for a long time and know what to do, but your boyfriend is really out of his depth here! Someone to "coach" ya'll along would be a blessed relief! I've even been thinking about this for myself and my family as my son gets older. He's not ADHD, but he has a lot of food allergies that make him very irritable and difficult to deal with and he has many meltdowns. Not all kids are "easy" for sure :) but we love our babies, don't we!!! And we protect them like the mama-bears that we are. This might be an area that a family expert could help you navigate, help teach your boyfriend some good parenting skills and how to have a positive attitude, even when the kids are difficult. He just doesn't know any better. I'm sure there are plenty of books out there he could read as well about how to parent an ADHD child. Blessings on you and your family!!!

I might be off- but, it sounds to me like your boyfriend needs an intro to ADHD 101. He has to understand what your son is going through to understand why he behaves the way he does. Bottom line- If Matt cares for you he will and should make it his mission to do what he has to do to create a better situation between himself and your son. I hope he's willing to walk a mile in your son's shoes for you- it sounds like your son adores him and it must be very hard for you to see that Matt doesn't reciprocate.

Is there a common interest between Matt and Charlie? Maybe something that Charlie really locks into and can focus on?? If you trust this man with your son, then you're gonna have to give him the info he needs and let him learn to navigate his way into accepting how Charlie is.

I agree that this is a huge deal. I think that in order for you to even consider continuing to see Matt, you need a commmittment from him toward your son. And you MUST let them bond without you. Matt has to have his very own relationship with his stepson, not a mediated, controlled one (I say that very very gently. I am NOT calling you controlling.)

I'm sending you a hug. I can hear the pain in your post. I do hope that Matt finds the love in his heart that belongs to Charlie. My best guess is that you have to let them explore that on their own, with the committment that love be unconditional from Matt. If it is not unconditional going in, then I would break it off right now. Hes an adult and if he's going to be a parent, love has to preclude a child earning or "deserving" that love, understanding, patience, kindness and nurturing. Either Matt has it in him or he doesn't. You can't allow him to "try."

Oh-- one more thing. My BIL was severely ADHD (he's doing a lot better now, getting is MSA and getting married. Still medicated for the ADD, but weaning off) and when I married his brother and he would come hang out at my parent's house, he was a perfect gentleman. I'm talking top hat and bow tie quality. I know for a fact that his mother never saw him behave as well as he did with my folks. This was around the time he was committed because of some outburst that the police witnessed. Around my parents he's never been anything but wonderful. If his mom were around, though, it would be different.

Good luck.