Negative Mom

I have the exact same thing with His mother...we talked to her, didn't work. We set limits, didn't work. We physically stopped going to her house, she still doesn't get it. We stopped initiating the contact between us and her.. I THINK the "old bag" isn't ever going to get it. Good luck! If you do find something that works for you stick with it!! And post what it was!

You know back in the 80s there was a song called "Criticize" by Alexander O'Neal. When I hear this song now, I think about my mom so yes.... I have a mom like yours! My sister recently gave me some tips on how to handle her.

1)Try changing the subject and redirect her attention to something else. Of course, if she's like my mom, this will only work 10% of the time.
2) Yell to your kid, "hey, what are you doing and then say, mom, I have to go now." This only works on the phone of course.
3) The next thing is to move far away! My mom is in Chicago and according to her, I live too far here in Plainfield. She even thinks calling 815 is long distance! Works for me! I know this sounds bad but to love her from a distance is safer for your heart. The Bible tells us to honor our mother and father but I guess it's up to us to ask God how to do this w/o getting beat up by our moms and facing a serious fight that will cause a rip in the family.

I hope this helps. If you ever need to vent about your mom and want someone that can relate.... you can always find me here on mamasource.

Good luck
M.

My mom isn't "negative" like you are describing, but I was told by her that she feels pulled in too many directions because she feels like she is running three households (hers, my brother's, and mine). My brother is 27 & married with 4 kids, I'm 28 & married with 3 kids. We run our own households, but she won't give up being "mom" to our everyday lives. She battles with depression that she won't get treatment for and is not willing to let go of her "babies" and move on with the next phase in her life. This along with a few other family problems has put my husband and I into a place where we feel that we may have to cut the strings too. Don't know any answers, but can understand how you feel.

It sounds like your mom wants to be needed and helpful. She's bored. She needs a hobby.

My mother has a habit of criticism. It became most difficult to deal with her when she had to move in with us. After a couple years of mostly tolerating it because I told myself I was being a peacemaker it came to a head. I learned that by not confronting her & allowing her to speak to me this way she was getting worse like a child without discipline.It was challenging but the more I spoke my truth to her the easier it became. It's almost like taming an animal.

Hi A.

It actually sounds like your Mom may be dealing with hormonal imbalance. Women from 19 - 119 are suffering with this. If you go to the Women For Balance website
http://www.women4balance.com/judytovey - there is LOTS of information on this subject. There is a hormone calculator - see if she will take the test - it is very short (it may take 2-3 minutes) - and this will tell her if this is something she should be considering. If you have any questions, send me an e-mail ____@____.com

I would definitely try to figure out if something specific, either healthwise or emotionally, is going on with her if this is something new. If you rule those out, I'd sit her down and talk to her about how she's making you feel. If there's nothing wrong and your feelings don't seem to get through to her, cut off the conversation when it starts happening as a prior poster already mentioned.

Good luck!

How old is your mom? My mom was impossible for a few years. I worried about her mental health. She was depressed and cranky. I realized later she must have been going through menopause. Or is she maybe depressed and taking it out on everyone else? Good luck - it's hard to feel like helping someone when they're being a jerk to everyone.

How old is your mother? Could she be going through "The Change"?

Have you talked to her about it? She may not realize how she is hurting people.

Is it possible that she is going through menopause? My mom had always been the personality that she saw the bleak side of things and when menopause hit she turned into a time bomb. She would say the most hateful things, hang up on me when I tried to talk to her about it, and in general made everyone miserable. She is back to her normal self, but those five years were rough.
Whatever you do think carefully and measure your words. Once they are out there you can't take them back and she won't forget them even though you may. It may be better to write down your feelings then decide later if you really need to say it outloud. If it becomes a case of affecting your children..then no holds...protect them first!

I had a mom that was very negative - i would describe her as 'toxic' - she would answer the phone at noon with 'you'd better have a damn good reason for waking me up!' - like i knew she was sleeping in the middle of the afternoon...
she was cranky all the time, would snap at people and oh boy - look out if she got a telemarketer calling! And did I mention she the foul mouth to rival any sailor?

Talk to her... try to get her to see how she's behaving, and how she is pushing people away, probe a little and find out why she's so upset about everything, all the time.

And lastly, don't give up on her... she is your mother, and she may be taken from you too soon. I lost my mother a few years ago - we had not spoken for over a year when I found out she was in the hospital and had little time left. I was thankfully able to have the chance to tell her how much I loved her and say sorry. I wish I'd had that year back to spend with her... I have since had to go thru major life changes, without her and it's very difficult... i wish I had her back, even at her worst.

Personality changes can be due to any number of things. Could she be undiagnosed bipolar? Depressed? When was the last time she had a physical? I wouldn't rule out anything physical or mental until she was evaluated.

But, if she's just being a cantankerous old bag, then stop talking to her about your every day life. You are giving her the ammunition she uses to criticize you. Just talk about superficial things. When she gets negative, say, "I'm not going to tolerate your negativity. I've got to go, Mom. Talk to you later." Hang up. Don't wait for her to answer. If she calls back, don't answer the phone. If you don't have caller ID, it's worth the money and peace of mind to have it.

Good Luck.