New Partner - Dearborn Heights,MI

mary c wrote
"If your boyfriend moves into a chaotic, disrespectful household - he will lose respect for you and have bad feelings for the way the kids treat you and each other. Men are vely loyal when they are in love with a woman and if the kids are talking back etc.. he may just wind up stepping in and making matters worse. You need to get your children in control first! "

I don't know about this. My household was a little chaotic when my bf moved in. I have one son who is almost 10 and 2 dogs and a cat. The dogs weren't housetrained and the kid...welll, he's a kid. And my boyfriend love me and everyone else in the household. The dogs are now housetrained and we are working on training the kid too. Together. I think my son benefits from having a man in his life now.

I think partly, it depends on the kind of person he is and the kind of person you are. Is he willing to step up and be a part of it all? Are you willing to let him?

With all that said, I think I would be prone to get one thing under control (your kids) before you add something new (your partner) to the mix. If things are good now, leave them that way and take it slow. Better to move slow than to rush into things and ruin it. I'd make sure the kids are 100 percent supportive before I do anything else. Communication is the key though...with him and where he's at as well as with your kids.

Speaking from experience. I believe it is important that you work on getting the respect you deserve from your kids first. That means being firm and setting rules. Stick to the punishments. Hold a family meeting with your kids and let them know exactly what you expect from them and what punishments will be in place if they cannot follow the rules. Remember, you are the parent and it is your house and your rules. Don't sway from that.

If your boyfriend moves into a chaotic, disrespectful household - he will lose respect for you and have bad feelings for the way the kids treat you and each other. Men are vely loyal when they are in love with a woman and if the kids are talking back etc.. he may just wind up stepping in and making matters worse. You need to get your children in control first! If not, he will run as fast as he can in the other direction. Believe me, I've been in the same situation. I know it's hard but what they say is true; kids need rules and consequenses. You will see results almost immediatly if you stick to it.
I know it's hard, but for your sake and the kids, it is necessary.
I wonder what kind of message it would send to your young, vulnerable teens if your boyfriend moved in. Personally, I think it send the wrong message that it is ok to sleep together and not be married. Please reconsider this. I never had a boyfriend stay the night when the kids were in the house. I think it is very important to set a good example.

I hope this helps. Good Luck. And as Dr. Laura says, "do the right thing"!

I agree about previous posters about your children because that was me and my brother- my mother was widowed when i was a baby and she spent her life trying to make it up to us- she was our friend not a parent and we were absolute spoiled disrespectful brats. At 18 my mom decided to become a parent and put a stop to it all- it took awhile for us to realize that she was serious and because of it I have become a well adjusted adult and my children benefit from that change no matter how late it may have been.

However, as a former child in a single parent home I have to make a few points- as I have seen it with my moms bf's.
1. if your are afraid he will run- then most likely you are not confident in your relationship yet. and that means he should not be moving in. (and usually if you are scared he will run- he will. I saw this tons of times)

2. your children will most likely rebuff him as a father figure - PERIOD. unfortunately very few children take a new spouse very well but if you as the mother and the "neutral party" lay down "rights" of both parties (the children and the boyfriend) things will go smoother. My mothers boyfriends would try to parent us like 2 days after moving in and we would tell them to take a hike and make their life miserable. however the one boyfriend that we both loved didn't try to be our dad - he told us what to do when it was necessary but it was related to the home- keeping it safe, clean etc but he didn't decide our punishments, priveledges etc that was reserved for our parent-my mom. He is still my friend they broke up over 12 years ago and i still am in contact with him- he was the only father figure i ever had that wanted to be there- the rest we were a by product of my mom.

I know this is long- but my mothers relationships affected us more then she would like to ever admit and I wish she had seen what was happening in a lot of them. I also wish she would have realized that homes do not adjust to new additions overnight, its like when you bring a new baby home some kids adjust overnight others over time and a new spouse brings the same reaction.

Good luck! sorry so long!