No Attention or Bigger Problem

L.,
MY SON WHO IS ABOUT TO BE 9 THIS WEEK WAS LIKE THAT AND FOR NO REASON JUST ACTED LIKE HE WAS 8 PEOPLE IN 1. THE TEACHERS AT SCHOOL, OUR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS, ETC. NO ONE SAW WHAT I DID AND NO ONE WENT THROUGH THE DIFFICULT BEHAVIORS. ULTIMATELY I TOOK HIM TO COUNSELING SINCE I COULD'NT TAKE IT ANYMORE. THE COUNSELOR SAW HIM ABOUT 2X AND DIAGNOSED HIM WITH ADD. SINCE THEN HE TAKES A LOW DOSE OF ADDERALL AND HE IS SO MUCH BETTER IN EVERY SITUATION. IT HAS REALLY HELPED US. HE'S MUCH HAPPIER EVEN. GOOD LUCK.....

I have been going through the same thing with my son who is almost ten. It started when he was 6 or 7 as well.

The only thing that works for me is to remind him that I deserve the same respect that all the other people around him gets. I also feel like it was a result of overcompensating with things and treats early on. I am a single parent. He also related to adults better, since he mostly associated with adults in our social settings. I was the only parent most times.

Making the transition from treats and things to a more experience based reward system, and taking things away to punish. Time out from lego's and metabots, video games, etc.
And they had to be out of the house, he would hunt for them, and play with them anyway. Especially the gameboy, that is the one thing I never wanted in his life, Grandma bought it for him. That is the one item that has never been allowed since. There are no other gaming consoles allowed either. Nor is hew allowed at friends homes.
My feelings are that they are simply brain-eaters robbing from his own imagination and creativity. Not to mention that "he just sits there for a couple of hours, and hardly says a thing" is not good for them. The screens are small and abd for the eyes, the controls awkwardly positioned and bad for carpal tunnel later in life, and if thats not enough, he acts like a monster when he stops.
Instead, we go places, and do things. When he won't clean up, the toys get put in a box and put in storage. When he's grounded, we are all grounded. And, when that doesn't work, he has recieved a spanking. Not a beating, just a few whacks. I grew up in a military house, and it was common. It seems to be the only thing that he listens to sometimes. Sometimes even that has to happen, and he still won't listen. He still does it, just not as much. I try to be understanding, and ask him to give me the same, put himself in my position, and think about how he would feel, and what he would do.

L.,

I have a 7 y/o myself and he is wonderful. He may get silly every now and then but I have to remember that he is a child. I treat and always have treated my son as if he was older than what he is. So when he makes small mistakes I let him. Sometime I intervene when I know he’s about to do something wrong or that might hurt him just to show that mommy’s always right. That may not be true but he doesn’t know that. I always tell and show him that I love him, but am also strict on him and let him know that I am hard on him so, nobody else will be. Also I stress to him that he always have to be honest with me, sometimes when he do things that are wrong I explain that they are wrong but let him get away with it just to prove I trust him and want the lines of communication to stay open. When he do negative things to hurt me like when kids say you’re a bad mother. I tell him to go find a better one, I’m firm so he doesn’t think I’m joking or playing and usually he breaks before it get any further. You have to let children suffer the consequence of there actions. My husband and I are like day and night when it comes down to discipline. His 13 y/o is out of control and have a hard time excepting authority. When I step she’s a little disrespectful but it usually don’t get to far. I will punish her and stick to it.
Bottom line is “treat people the way you want to be treated” and you should teach your child that from the beginning. Another saying is “you do go things, good things will happen”. If your mean to mommy, you make mommy have to be mean to you by sending you to bed early or whatever it may be for your child. Make shore what ever the punishment is it’s hard from the beginning and hopefully it will only be for a short time. It may take a little time because your child will try to break you first wait it out.

Hey L.,
My son just turned 8 and he is the same way. he was diagnosed with ADHD and is now on medicine but he still acts that way around friend (which he hardly has any of because of it)and teachers and me. but when he is with family members or even at the psycoligist or the therapist, i feel like they think i make every thing up cause he sits there soo nice and quiet and and answers all their questions like a little angel :( i wish i could help and say that i found the answer but im still looking my self. if you find out anything i would love to hear it as well.. good luck!

I believe that your son is hurt, internalizing what you and your husband are going through as far as your health issues. Sometimes kids get angry when a situation comes there way, where they feel helpless. Maybe therapy for him would help, or just a nice long sit-down talk.

Maybe the problem lies with your differing discipline issues. At school, he knows what is expected of him and what will happen if he misbehaves. At home your husband and you have two different ways of dealing with misbehavior and therefore he has some leeway to push his limits, never knowing how far he will get. I had the same problem, when my husband was home, my son rarely listened, until my husban decided that he would become firm in his expectations and now that we are on the same page we have noticed a huge difference. Most children need structure. Of course, this is speculation from the small amount of information I have. Also he may be tired by the time he returns from school or hungry, both may lead to short attention spans and acting out.

This is to L. and others out there. Why is it 9/10 of these requests from people, the response is always "My child has ADD." Now, don't get me wrong, I do believe there are kids out there with this. Do you all think that the child might just be a fun loving normal kid with a ton of energy?!?!?!
My son was 6 when I met and started my 2nd husband. He thought my son had ADD. He only saw him in excited states in the beginning---circus, Penn State football games,the play ground.... After we moved in together he realized he is just a being a boy, a crazy boy with tons of energy. He is fine and laid back during regular times. I also know many of my friends kids are developing allergies to certain foods which can cause mood swings,short attention spans, and other symptoms. I become a total witch if I eat sugar. For example, Michelle, at the age of 8 was put in a special ed program due to her lack of understanding the most simple things. After one very wise nurse stepped in, it turned out that she actually had an extremely high IQ. She was extremely allergic to wheat. Trust me, I am not some health freak who refuses to accept problems, I just think you should try options before medicating your wonderful kids.

Hi L., I don't know if this will apply to your situation, since my kids are younger (2 1/2 and 3 1/2) but I too sometimes go through periods when my kids are wonderful around anyone else but my husband and myself. I've asked friends w/ older children and have been told that they act that way because they feel safe to "be themselves" around us. A blessing in one way, but certainly aggrevating in another. We've dealt with it by telling them that we don't speak to eachother that way (treat eachother that way) in our family and then give them a time out. Once they've calmed down we sit in their rooms with them and try to explain once again that that behavior is not acceptable. We don't treat our family members that way. So it's not a matter of asking them why they do this or that, it's that we do not do this or that in our family. As far as being aggressive with his friends, we've explained that if you want to have friends, you have to be a friend. Friends don't like to be hit, kicked, spit at, pushed....yes, I've seen it all. Again, time outs follow to give them time to "think about what we've said" and we go over it again before they are let out. Then of course before they can join their friends they have to appologize to the friend. It's very time-consuming to say the least, but consistancy is the key. I hope this helps a little! T.

L.,
My son has ADHD. He did a lot of the same things your son does and then would respond with "I don't know" when questioned about it. On the other hand, his teachers often commented what a good-hearted, sweet kid he is.

A school principal put the issue of impulsivity control into perspective for me. For example: The child knows it is wrong to hit a playmate, yet he does it anyway. The child gets the impulse to hit and acts on it BEFORE he has a chance to think about it. Therefore, he honestly may not know why he did it. This was the case with my son. He would hit/spit/yell/kick among other things. He always felt very bad about it but he did not know why he did it. Often times, he would apologize immediately.

I would suggest talking to your ped about it. Fresh perspective might help.

T.

I have two kids that are just like that. The teachers, babysitters, other family members, neighbors, etc. all say what "little ladies" they are. When they act out, talk back, sass, its usually with me. Usually kids will be the worst with their own parents who they know will love them unconditionally. I feel that if they behave appropriately in the world, so to speak, then they are o.k. That doesn't mean, however, that you have to take any behavior from them that is inappropriate, rude, or hateful. Pick your battles and for the important ones, consequences (punishment) are in order.

Adults don't respect children like they do other adults. Children are people too and usually more intuitive, explorative, sensitive, and everything an adult should get back in touch with about themselves. When a parent has problems (yet think it's thier kids) they should seek counseling. Read some books like: The Road Less Traveled, Everyday Blessings, and this one I can't wait to read - Raising Our Kids Raising Ourselves here are a couple good websites:
http://www.empathic-discipline.com/
www.naturalchild.com this one will lead to others.