Oh Mother!

I seriously love Marie C's answer - "We practice making one all the time!"

I say use that one.

ADD: Re. having a "built in friend" or something - I have a younger sister (by 2.5 years). We do not get along. We never have. We are completely different people. If we were not related, we would not be friends. We are "there" for each other, but I have a much closer relationship with my stepsister that is 20 years older than I am - she is my REAL sister in terms of relationship.

My in-laws want another grand baby too.

I keep it lighthearted... (Of course, I want another kid at some point... Probably another couple years...)

I usually reply with, "We practice making one all the time!" The awkwardness usually prompts a subject change. ;)

Hey mom.... You know how if I asked you 40milkion times for a Popsicle ... Even if you WERE going to, now there's no way in heck you're going to let me have a Popsicle for a year?

Tables are turned.

The more you ask, the less likely it is to happen.

(And Im about to send you on timeout to a hotel)

"I love you mom, but no."

"I love you mom, but no."

"I love you mom, but no."

etc.

Some women go through the 'empty arms' syndrom when their children grow up. Mine are all grown up and have children of their own, so 4 children and now 7 grandchildren. The youngest is 3, I would love to have another grandchild but it's not my decision, it is my children's decison.

Contact Social Services in Mom's county. Find out if there is a program at any of the hospitals in the area for volunteers to come in and rock and feed at risk newborns. If there is a program such as this talk to your mom about joining the program. At risk newborns or newborns who's mother died need the contact with loving people it's part of their emotional growth.

I do feel sad for your little guy, I can't help it. I grew up with a brother that was 15 years older and a sister 11 years older. They were out of the house before I started Kindergarten. So they were married and moved away while I was young.

I grew up alone at home with parents. I think that's so lonely. Just me, I do know some people just can't handle having more than one.

Having worked with kids a lot of my adult life I know that when there are more they keep each other company and even when they're fighting they're interacting and staying busy.

Your mom knows loss. She lost her son and only has you now. She knows if your son dies you will be alone and feel what she is feeling but much much worse. That little baby boy she had is no longer here. She mourns for him.

So she is really thinking of you and even more of your child. I honestly believe being an only child is the most lonesome a child can be.

It is a choice for you and your husband to make of course BUT BUT BUT please, for your sake and hers, sit down with her alone, no distractions, no phone calls answered, no kiddo, no hubby, no interruptions, ask her to help you understand why she keeps doing this. Don't judge her, listen.

I bet she eventually talks about how much she hurts and misses her other child and how much you mean to her now that you're her only child. Let her tell you why she thinks your child is not enough for you.

Then, if the timing is right tell her that you are not having another child. I think you are doubting it because you aren't done but at some time in the future you'll know for sure.

Tell her she's making your child hurt and that if she doesn't stop manipulating him that she isn't going to be able to be alone with him at all in the future.

When she gets upset and extremely hurt tell her that she crossed the line when she made him ask for a baby. Now he's wanting his baby and possibly not going to be one so it's hurting him.

Well, your way hasn't worked.

You could call your local foster child office and get material on how to become a foster parent.

Then every time she bugs you, you hand her the brochure.

Sorry, but I think I'd book her a hotel. She is not being caring in this regard-- She's being highly manipulative and overstepping huge boundaries if she's trying to get your kid to be a parrot for her thoughts.

Really, I'm not joking either-- just tell her "if I hear one more comment about how my husband and I are supposed to build our family, you will need to leave. I've had enough and you WILL respect my requests or you will find elsewhere to stay. We are NOT doing this any more."

It sounds like she wants a granddaughter, but too bad. Sorry if this seems like a 'dropping the anvil on her head' approach, but she hasn't taken your polite requests seriously, and while I like MyMission's suggestion, you may need to make a firmer boundary. I would not put up with that sort of nonsense from anyone and if they were a visitor, they would not be allowed to harass me about it in my own home. Time to give her a real reality check. And be ready, too, to put her up for one night at a hotel.... and be prepared that she goes home early in a huff. She needs to learn that she has absolutely NO say in anyone else's reproductive choices.

My mom says stuff all the time that I don't agree with and drives me crazy. I just let it go in one ear and out the other. I am confident enough in my parenting decisions and methods to not let it bother me. I can't imagine her NOT in my kids life or mine for that matter, so I let it go. My mother-in law had a fight with her mother 20 years ago and asked her to go stay at a hotel. They never saw her again. I think it was horribly sad that my husband grew up without a grandma in his life and I think it hurt my mother in law too.

Now that said, if someone had put my family in danger I would ask them find a hotel room.

I like the idea of the foster parent brochure! Or set her up as a mentor for a child in her hometown.

Okay, getting your 4 year old involved in such a manipulative manner crosses a huge line for me, probably because my mother used us like this when we were small in her covert war against my father. When I was old enough to realize what she was doing, it did tremendous damage to our relationship that still echoes to this day. IF you do decide to address this aspect of her behavior with her, you have my permission to use me as the "friend" in your example. You could tell her that being used like that as a kid made me not trust my mother and second-guess her intentions for the rest of my life.

The next time she says anything about you having another child, tell her that if she wants a new baby, she is welcome to adopt one of her own. You don't owe her another grandchild. Your decision whether or not to have any more children is not about her at all.

I know you've talked to her about stopping harassing you, but have you shared with her how her constant pushing and lack of respect for you as an adult is making you feel toward her? I wonder if her behavior would change if she realized that she is jeopardizing your relationship by not keeping her mouth closed and her opinion to herself.

I agree with the previous poster: prompting your son to promote her agenda crosses a line.

You need to sit down with her and tell her flatly that you will not allow her to continue to behave this way. That if she continues to press the issue (that is none of her business and she has NO say in) and continues to try to involve your son in the issue that you will limit contact with her, because it is ruining your relationship.
Be plain with her. Her continual intrusion into a personal matter is damaging the relationship that you have. Does she understand that? Ask her. "Do you understand that when you do this, you alienate me AND my husband. That it alters how we think about you in a bad way? And that manipulating our son makes us angry with you?"
Then tell her that if she cannot refrain from these behaviors then you will limit the time you and your family spend with her so that you can protect the relationship you do have.

See what happens. If she continues, book her a hotel. Or just tell her that "Now isn't a good time for a visit. I can't deal with the questions and prodding for a pregnancy right now." She will get the message if you are plain enough.

Be a broken record. This is actually a good management tactic, when you have something negative to tell an employee that they are likely to argue. Pick ONE phrase, and repeat it in response to whatever they say. Do not engage in debate or argument, no matter what. Eventually, they realize they are not going to get any other response (well, hopefully they realize it...)

"Not your business, Mom."
"But really, what about a granddaughter?"
"Not your business, Mom."
"Don't you worry about Sammy being lonely?"
"Not your business, Mom."
"You can't be so sure about it."
"Not your business, Mom."
"Don't you ever want to hold a tiny baby again?"
"Not your business, Mom."

ad nauseam...

I have a mother like yours. I call her overbearing. She doesn't take kindly to that name but..hey, if the shoe fits.
When/if you and your husband decide to have a child is none of yoru mom's business at all. And trying to put the pressure on you by having your 4yr old ask for a baby is really out of bounds.
I know it is difficult, but you really need to have one last sit down with mom and have a well prepared, long conversation about bondaries. Clearly, she has issues with bondaries. And I agree with Nervy girl, it is time for mom to stay at the hotel when she comes to town...at least until she can stifle her comments about a baby.
Good Luck

Your mother is one of those impossible, high maintenance characters. In a situation like this, it's best to lie! Just play her game and tell her that you and hubby are trying! Every month, call her and pretend to be sad over yet another unwanted period (LOL)!! That should shut her up for a while! And, if you and hubby decide to actually try for another child someday, you will call her and shout with jpy, "it's a miracle, I'm pregnant"!!!! Try to have humor in all of this!! Best of luck, and I am sorry about your brother's passing.

Be compassionate to her. This is obviously about her. She's got some hole and she's hoping you'll fill it. Don't dump a pile of pooh on her because you are irritated. Get past your irritation. It's not about you. It's about her sadness.

I have 2 kids. I wish I had 3. I'd be happy with 6! My kids are 4 yrs apart. I know a family with 4 within 5 years (crazy!) but they make it look easy. You could always adopt. I'd adopt at this point to have a 3rd!

I personally can't understand only wanting one. Not judging you, just saying. My 2nd (a girl) is such a dream. I could have never dreamed my kids up. They are unique and awesome and bring life. That's what your mom is wishing for.

Why don't you encourage her to join a Bible study? If she did, she would develop a relationship with God and then SHE could be used to help others. Right now, she is looking for some baby to fill her up. God would heal her broken heart.

My son is 13, my daughter is 9 and she feels like a lonely child. She wishes she had a sister to play with. I wish I went ahead for baby #3 when I had the chance.

Egad how irritating.

My Mom, I'm the only one that has kids, and I have 2 kids.
She ONLY has, 2 grandchildren.
Meanwhile, my mother in law, has TONS.
And MIL still.... makes like, she is sooooooo at a loss, because she cannot see my kids/her grandkids over here. BUT she can. She just will not, make an effort to come and visit.
That's another irksome story.
Oh well.
Too bad.
Just tell your Mom to stop it... she is wrongly affecting your son. Now.
She has crossed the lines.
And maybe, tell her she should to see a Shrink.
SHE has an issue.
SHE needs to overcome whatever grief she has over her son that died.
And SHE has to, STOP living through... you and your son.
Don't "explain" anything to her.
Just tell her, stop it.
She is an adult.
And now, she is "making" your son... say things to you, too. About it.
Good grief.
Don't let her come and visit.
Or put rules on her.
Her emotional hand-ups, cannot, cause an upheaval, in your son.
And good grief, what IF... your son starts to get a guilt trip about it too... from your Mom?
You gotta nip it.

SHE does not, get to say how your family, should be.
And you are a grown up now.
Not her "child."
Don't have another child because she keeps nagging you.
I wouldn't want to be born, under those circumstances.
Egad.

You need to, stand up to her. And do so repeatedly.
Or not have her over to your home so many times a year.
Or she stays in a hotel, until she can be a polite guest.

TELL your Mom-- she needs to be THANKFUL for what she does, have.

And I'm sure, all of this must irk... your Husband too?
He has a Mother-In-Law, like this.....

Just tell her to BACK off. You probably have to be blunt.
She is chronic.

AND, your son... should NOT have to.... be carrying this "burden" on HIS shoulders... either. He is only 4, for crying out loud.
Think about that.
How it is affecting... him.

If your mother was such a great parent and if 2 kids was some magic formula, you and your brother would have had a better relationship. I also had a bad relationship with my brother - miserable as you. Still that way.

The thing to do with your mother is stop talking to her about it. Get up and leave the room every time she brings this up. Take your child away from her when she discusses it. If he ever comes to you again saying she was talking about this to him privately or that she told him to tell you he wants a sibling, I would put him in the car and go someplace, anyplace, away from her. Leave her sitting there, alone. It's not cruel - it's protective of your child and protective of yourself. If she says you're a bad mother for not giving your child a sibling, tell her a bad mother shouldn't have any more children!

Next time she wants to come visit, say it's not convenient. Say no. Tell her it's too unpleasant and that she is a negative influence on your child, that you're sorry he can't have a grandma who love him enough just the way he is without telling him that he's not enough for her. Don't debate it, just inform her that you will not allow her to hurt him and screw him up any more than she already has.

Don't let her get to you. I have one child and it's the perfect family size for us. My neighbor has 2. My other friend has 3. There's no perfect math about this. Any theory that your mother has about the benefits of a sibling can be offset by a million studies showing healthy families of all sizes. I don't even use the phrase "only child" because it implies a lack of something. He's a "single child" (some people say "singleton") - that's all. You don't know what you want to do and that's fine - there's no magic about the age between kids either. Your decision will be made by you, your husband, and time. Not your mother.

Well, from my perspective, that is not something I would tolerate. If I welcome someone into my home I have done so because I respect them and vice versa. If that same respect isn't mutual, parent or not, you gotta go! like a few posts mention, give her some numbers of a local hotel or after this vist (assuming she will make these comments again) tell her you are not comfortable having her come all this way just for you two to bicker about the # of grandkids she thinks she should have.
It is never easy contemplating having a possible blow up especially with a parent but you deserve respect and using your kid is not acceptable. she may have thought it to be cute, but it is underhanded and inappropriate.
I am curious, are you an "only"? If not, does she harp on your siblings or are they producing enough to keep her quiet ;o)
Good luck and Merry Christmas!

I somewhat get this. My brother and I were the only two for my parents. We were pretty close. When he was killed, he was unmarried with no children. I was also unmarried with no children. I had my child in my late thirties, and he is her only grand. She doesn't pressure me at all, because she's not like that but also because it would get her nowhere with me. That's just my personality and our dynamic.

The urge that I feel to have another is all about allowing my son to grow up with siblings and to give my mother multiple grandchildren. I am the only one who can do that, so there is a bit of responsibility on my shoulders. I do feel an obligation to take that into my consideration. While it is MY family and my husband and I are ultimately responsible for raising and nurturing our offspring, I do believe that--as her only living child--I owe her a place in my considerations.

I don't think that your mother means to be disrespectful or hurtful or annoying. I think that she is playfully nudging you, and it's just getting on your nerves for the reasons that you stated. Is this how you two communicate historically? If so, then she is just keeping with that, so don't hold it against her.

Ultimately, how and when we create our own families is up to us, and we should never base it solely on what others want. That just wouldn't make good sense at all. When it comes to our parents, though, there's something about that direct lineage that gives their sincere take on it a bit more weight than what anyone else might have to say. It is also THEIR bloodline that is being continued, and they have some deep-set feelings about that.

Look at your reasons against having another, and see where some of that might be turned around. Don't change your mind right away; just allow for some wiggle room and don't let certain inconveniences be deal-breakers. If it's an issue of childcare, for example, maybe your mother can work her schedule to be available to stay with #1 while you tend to #2. Or vice versa. I know that it's not that simple. My point is just to factor her into your decision. If she lives far away, don't assume that she would not be available to help and base part of your decision on that. Actually discuss that with her, if it's something that would make a difference for you. If you don't mind having her stay with you for months at a time, present that to her and ask if she'd be willing to do that to help you out. That gives her both insight to your decision-making process and a bit of control. It includes her, which I do not believe is unreasonable, especially under these circumstances.

If after all of this, you and your husband settle on an emphatic NO, then tell her that. As long as you are on the fence about it, she is going to want to influence you. It can be annoying, but at least you know where she stands.

PS. When my husband and I got together, he aleady had two children and didn't want any more. He wanted me, though, and he knew that it was important to me to give my mother at least one grandchild. He understood that I was the only one who could help my mother to realize her dream of becoming a grandmother, so he reopened the factory.