Park Behavior ?

I'm with JL and Kerri B and Kate B. I wouldn't worry much about what some mom on the playground thinks if what her child is doing is really obnoxious. You are doing them both a favor by pointing it out. If you do it with a smile she might be receptive. If she isn't, well, her problem (really.)

I struggle with this one, too. I'm not particularly confrontational and my own mother was the type who'd have it out (loudly and publicly, yikes) with someone who "disciplined" her kids in any way, shape or form. So, I always expect a horrible backlash from the parent if I say a word to their child. In fact, about a year ago, some friends and I were at a Chipotle, eating outside, and two boys, probably around 10 years of age, came outside, unaccompanied and were walking around writing on walls, garbage cans, the door frame, etc. Little vandals! Finally, I got up to throw something in the trash and told them quietly, "We write on paper, not on walls. Why don't you go in by your parents?" They did.

A few minutes later, the mother came out, very irate and stood at the table screaming (literally) at me that I'm a stranger and should not talk to her children and besides, the "pen" they were using to write on things was an "invisible ink" pen, which wouldn't do any damage... etc. Now, after she left, the other customers said I did the right thing and couldn't believe her response (I'm sure it was particularly odd to see this woman standing over a young and very pregnant woman screaming at her/me) but I was in tears over being screamed at. (And thought maybe I should have told an employee instead of saying something to the kids myself.) Sooooo... while I think the responses below that encourage you to go ahead and say something to the child are probably right, I would also say, be ready to deal with mama bear, too, should it come to that.

I couldn't bring myself to read the other responses because I know that this is something many moms have a strong feeling about, so I'll just put in my 2 cents and you'll have to sort it all out...

You have to decide what kind of mommy you want to be. I know of moms who are very big on letting kids work things out on their own and think they'll turn their child into a "momma's boy" if they step in to help out. I also know moms who think it isn't their place to say anything to anyone else's child and would rather scoop their child up and leave than speak to another person's child. I wholeheartedly disagree with that type of parenting for myself and my children. I believe with all of my heart that it takes a village to raise kids. Here is not only what I would have done, but what I HAVE done in similar situations:
Always start with the child. I don't care if the mom is right there 2 feet away watching or no where in sight--- I speak to the child first. I nicely tell them that other children would like a turn and see where it goes from there. Occasionally, they are shocked that an adult actually called them out on being mean (because obviously they usually get away with it) and they back down... sometimes they don't care what I say because they are so used to getting their own way. In that case, I instruct them on what they are expected to do in polite society where we all share this planet together-- in your case, I would have told her she can push the button one more time and then it's my son's turn. If she doesn't listen at all, and especially if she gets physical with my child, I go to mom. When you approach mom, be careful to stick to the facts instead of attacking her parenting (or lack thereof). Let mom know that she is not only not letting the other kids have a turn, but that she is pushing/hitting them.

I actually have a hard time not going ballistic on kids who think it;s OK to push other kids...but yes, it's part of being a toddler. They aren't exactly sure how to use their words yet, and some are barely talking much at that age. So how else are they going to learn to properly interact if no one is teaching them? When I was a first time mom, I couldn't understand how any parents could possibly let their child beyond arm's length on a playground... but by child #3, I realized that it's OK to let them play while you keep one eye on them and the other on a friend you are chatting with, or a magazine, or some fresh air, or whatever... So sometimes as a mom you really don't catch every little thing your child is doing. So once you've tried nicely to deal with a mean child, gently cluing mom in on what's going on is always OK. Any mom who is a witch toward you for pointing out that her child is being mean is someone you should pray for because she has an awful lot of stress in her life, and no wonder her child acts like a brat! In those rare cases, it's best to leave the playground or in the least keep a close eye on that child because she WILL strike again!

But wait! There's more!! Just as it's important to take time to help teach other children it's not OK to hit and they have to share, it's just as important for you to teach your son what HE should do in those cases. Teach him to say, "My turn?" or "Can I have a turn?" (depending on how well he speaks). Literally walk him over to the girl and say, "Joey, ask the girl if you can have a turn." When your son walked up and started to push the button, in a toddler's world everything belongs to them so she felt like other kids were touching HER toy. If he asks for a turn, low and behold she may grant him actual permission to touch "her" toy. (And if she says no after he asks, you tell her Yes, he CAN have a turn) Also, when someone hits or pushes, teach your son to use his words. Again, depending on how much he is talking, say, "Joey, tell the girl 'I don't like it when you push me' " (Or "No pushing!") You said he looked at you for guidance, so be sure to teach him what to say and do so he can defend himself without using his hands to push back.

i never hesitate to discipline a child (gently, often with humor) who is negatively affecting others in public. it takes a village to raise a child. once a kid is being inappropriate to my kid, it becomes my business. you would be doing that kid a favor by telling her how to act.

just my opinion!
take care..

.

My son like yours was very tolrant...too tolerant at that age and as his mom I felt it was necessary to interevene when other kids were being to rough and not sharing. I would often approach the mom and simply say I think we are having and issue with our kids could you help me. That way she never felt I was discipling her child and she could handle it but also prevented my son from getting hit by other kids at the park. This way you are also redirecting the mom not paying attention without her feeling attacked. It always worked out and often i would then engage the mom in conversation for a few minutes to smooth things over and with some moms we even became friends.

Hitting and acting out is a stage some kids go through and some kids don't. At some point you might be on the other side of this situation so you might get the chance to be on the other side. I know it is hard for moms when their kids start hitting or being aggressive. It is so important that if we can we be kind to these moms rather than judging. I think you were very kind and applaud you abiblity to be patient and focus on your own child!

Cheers and hang in there the park can be a tough place.

I learned from our preschool teacher this is normal behavior and a great opportunity to teach. Focus on your child, ask him what he wants then stay with him while you encourage him to tell the little girl he wants a turn when she is done. If she does not agree to a turn, I would help (because your son is just learning how to communicate and cooperate at the park) by educating the other child of the rules at the park, ie, we share at the park, everyone gets a turn. I would also ask the child, do you hear so and so asking for a turn?
I don't know if I would involve her parent, if she was still oblivious, which is so annoying anyway! I would imagine, after the long interchange between children, she would notice a conflict and come to help. One would hope!
Anyway, if she refuses to share, I would explain to your son that it is always important to share at the park and that the other child is not following the rules. Then help to redirect his attention.
I would never allow another child to hit my child. I would tell my child to tell the other child he did not like it and to stop (empower him) and I would follow it up that it is never ok to hit another person.
good luck

I just wanted to agree with Sarah L. That is exactly how I handled these things when my girls were little. Politely, but firmly with the child and taking a 'we're all in this together' approach with the mom. That is how I would expect others to deal with my kids, I hope they would anyway. It is easy for a mom to get distracted in a public place and miss some behavior, especially as we have more kids and start to relax a little more. Knowing other moms have our backs is a good feeling!

I did just want to add something I didn't see in the other posts. After the lilttle boy got in trouble for hitting the 'controlling' girl, I would have approached his mom. Not while he was still there, because you never want to undermine a mom giving out consequences. :o) I would have let her know what I saw, confirm to her that while I agree he needed a talking to about hitting, I wanted her know that there was more to it. The she could decide whether to re-address it with her son in light of the new information, but it is important for her to know that her son didn't just haul off and whack this poor girl! 'It is not ok to hit someone to get your way', is a different lesson than, 'there are other ways besides hitting to defend yourself against others.'

Enjoy your continuing adventure!

I've come to this post late but I had this situation a few times when my middle one was little. She was an early walker so while she could play in the big kids area, she wasn't verbal and seemed to have a "kick me" sign on her back. (She was easy to pick on cuz she couldn't tell!) Someone once told me this trick. If you see a kid that is bullying your child you walk over to them, get down on their level and say "This is my child. You are NOT allowed to touch my child. If you have a problem with my child, then you need to come to me." Get up and walk away. If the parent sees you and questions you, explain what happened. It's a bit intimidating to the bullier so they tend to just leave your kid alone and mess with something or someone else. But they don't go crying to mama because they know they were in the wrong in the first place. Your child will know he's being protected by the person that should be protecting him. I used this method a few times and never had a problem with it. Maybe the kid complained to their parent later- but never did one mess with my daughter in my presence after that. Bulliers bully the ones they know can't or won't fight back. Frequently these kids are also the ones ignored by their parents. Someone needs to stand up to them and this is just such a matter of fact statement, they don't argue. Good luck.

Many parents have some experience with coop nursery schools and are accustomed to helping other people's children learn how to share and take turns. One thing a mother might have done even if the child's mother was looking but not helping, might have been to say to the little girl. "your turn will be up soon so other children can have their turns." This or something other that clarifies the fact that at a park we don't own things we like. We only own what we brought from home. Everything else is shared property. Of course children don't just "know" that. They are inclined to think if they see something they like and mommy or daddy lets them "have" it then of course it belongs to them.

The parents do know this, however, and some of them think that it is fine to let their children be assertive and take over a choice bit of property just because they like it and they got there first. (these same adults put their possessions on the best chairs on the boat or the best tables at the picnic area so that when they return it will still "belong to them")

Getting angry or self righteous will not help, but gently explaining what is obvious to you, and fair, and really can't be disputed should not get you in trouble or even be a put down to the parent.

Sometimes I have said to the child, "Johnny wants a turn too. Will you tell him when you are finished so he can have a turn?" And if my child is willing to stand patiently, sometimes the child will take the important initiative and say, "now it's your turn, Johnny". Children do want to be nice and need some direction as to how to do the right thing.

This is one of the greatest benefits of being in a good pre-school with adults who see situations and help the children learn skills to play cooperatively and gently and helpfully and fairly with others without giving up the right to have other people play nicely with them. But parents guiding their own children in the park and setting a good example and even saying out loud words that other less experienced parents can use is helpful if not done arrogantly . "It's time to let that child who is waiting have a turn on the swing so just two more pushes and let's move onto the slide." "Use your words to let him know you don't like to be pushed." etc, etc.

Good luck..I know it is hard when you are just beginning this journey and good to know how concerned you were for everyone involved. I suspect the mom was embarrassed and didn't know how to intervene either.

N. (great grandma and former early childhood educator)

I go over and talk to my son - in front of the ill-behaved child with no parent watching- and say to my son "the park is for everyone and kids are supposed to take turns. When this girl is finished you can have a turn". Sometimes kids are swayed by an adult explaining rules to their own child that they can overhear. If you stand right there and wait for her to be finished, the mom may catch you there out of the corner of her eye and come over. Moms who don't pay attention usually perk up when an adult is hovering near their child. Or just re-direct and tell your child that it is nice to take turns and that little girl doesn't know that yet. So your child doesn't imitate bad behavior in the future. But it happens. Some kids are better at sharing than others at that age. Tomorrow you'll find some lovely kids at the park.

Dear Amy,
I remember these days and I find that these situations don't stop in the park or the toddler years. My guide line is I do what I would like other parents to do to my children. I would want them to address bad behaviour in a nice way, just to let the kids know that I see and have no trouble standing up for the disadvantaged. I grew up in a small town and my parents would hear from other people if I didn't let an older women get off the train before me because I was rushing and passing beside her. I felt so embarassed and didn't do it again. I was 16 then and it helped me behave better...

Well, I was a tomboy, but if was me, I would have said something to the Mom. I would probably ask if she was an only child and when she answered then explained - I noticed that she isn't sharing and is being very mean to other children. As for the kid decking her......I was always a little to light according to my X husband. Eventually, I told the kids, that if pushed or shoved, then push or shove back. If they deck ya, go for it. If you can't talk them into sharing. Which is my first choice. As toddlers, they can't really talk to each other about sharing, so you kind of have to step in and do something. Even if you go ask they little girl to share. If her Mom wasn't paying attention, you could probably have told her to go away and not even had to confront her mother. Either way, you need to stand up for your little guy and let him know it's not polite for that type of behavior.

No question I would have told the little girl to share and to stop hitting. It is your place since it is something that involves your child and his safety. If the mom overheard you talking to her daughter she might even thank you and/or start paying attention. If she had a problem with you speaking to her child, you just need to remember that you are teaching your child just as much by NOT correcting inappropriate behavior and you are keeping him safe. So let the mom be mad.

if your children are too young to stand up for themselves then you have to do it for them. You have to teach them that it isn't right for anyone to treat them that way. You should have simply told that girl that she needs to take turns. Your son will learn from you how to handle situations like this and then later he will be able to take care of it himself.

I just tell the kid "take turns... my child would like to play now. You have been there for awhile...." then I tell my child "its okay, go ahead....' and then usually the hoarding kid goes away.
If not, I have actually said, nicely, to the Mom "excuse me, my son would like to play (with the button), can you help so my son can have a turn??" Then I look at the Mom will a smiling expression... and explain how her kid was there for a long time and other kids are WAITING too, and then, usually the Mom says "oh hey Sally, let the others play...." etc.
Or, I have actually told ALL the kids hovering around "Lets all get in a line and wait...." and then the kids smile, get in a line.. and wait. Meanwhile the bossy/hoarding kid is there with all these kids looking at her/him... and WAITING. So then they usually go away.

I usually say something and definitely if my kid was hurt and slapped/hit/kicked on purpose. Not acceptable. But I say it to the parent with a SMILE on my face... and especially if a kid is being bullied, on the playground. Which I have actually seen and stopped, regardless if the parent was there.

These things happens... some parents don't care, some just don't watch what their kid is doing on the playground or assume no one will say anything anyway.

To add to the other answers, think about if (and when perhaps!) the tables are turned and how you'd want other mothers to react. Personally, if my daughter weren't sharing, I would be ok with another parent nicely saying to my daughter "Let's all take turns. This button belongs to the park so we have to share" and then catching my attention to let me know that we are all working on sharing together or something along those lines. If you would be ok with that then probably the other mom would be too.

And it is probably good to remember that she is just a little girl and is learning too ... sometimes it is easy to think that perhaps she is a real brat because her parents are allowing her to be that way. But that's probably not the case and her mother probably would have been helpful had you let her know.

Cheers!

I would have actually modeled for my son what to do: approach the girl with your son and say gently, "the park is for everyone, we all get to play, let's take turns. You take 2 more buzzes, then it's our turn." Fast forward to school years and how you'd want your son to deal with others -- calmly, straightforward, and with the attitude of sharing and community. You'd probably have more discomfort saying something to the mom, plus you'd probably nip it in the bud sooner if you go right to the source. Honestly, I've done this kind of thing before and have never had a problem. And then hopefully, your son will learn how to deal with it on his own, without needing to come to you or look for the mom, who may not always be identifiable.

I'd say that eventhough It makes me nervous just to read it. Your job is really to focus on your child and his education. He will be encountering aggressive people trhough his life and it is important that he knows how to deal with it. You can tell him things like :"that little girl is having a hard time sharing" or "That is so upseting that the little girl cannot share the button....I am so happy that you know better" or "Oh hitting is not ok, make sure you stay away from that little girls because I do not want you to get hurt..I'll let you know when she walks away from the buttin, ok?" Just a few ideas...

It takes a village, and as an adult who saw the behavior, it was up to you to intervene. Not only for the welfare of your son, but to correct the anti-social behavior of the little girl for her benefit, too.

If it were me, I would have gone right up to the little girl and said, "This does not belong to just you. The park belongs to everyone." And then I would have said, "Hitting and bullying are not acceptable. Where is your mother?" And brought her over to her mother. Her mother didn't need to be shamed or anything, but she did need a heads up to be more aware, so bringing the child to her would be a way to do that...

This is a very good question, though I do not have an answer. I am very curious to see what other moms think. I understand that we can't step in for every little thing; they've got to learn that Mommy isn't always going to be there to save the day! But where do we draw the line??

In your scenario, I want to say that perhaps it would have been appropriate for you to say something when the other child was hit. Perhaps the girl's mom would have noticed you and another mom talking about her child? Maybe if you had told that boy's mom what you saw (so she would have the whole story), and then the two of you confront the girl's mom together?

I was almost in a similar situation with my daughter (4 years old) yesterday. I took her to the mall & let her play in the play area in the food court. I had just bought her a new dinosaur figure toy for being such a good girl at her dr appointment. A boy who may have been a year or so older than my daughter almost immediately went up to my daughter. I was sitting too far away to hear anything that was said, but before I knew it, this boy had the dinosaur in his hands. My daughter wasn't upset about it, so I just watched closely. She can be good at sharing, so I assume she was just being nice & sharing. He eventually gave it back, but they were almost attached at the hip the whole time they were playing! Several times I saw him reach for the dino, like he was just going to grab it from her. It took me a bit to figure out who his mom was, and I still wasn't sure how much she was paying attention to him. She did say something to him at one point, but I don't know what she said. I decided that if I saw the boy take her dino & she started crying about it, I was going to step in! But she was fine the whole time.

Children need to learn there are consequences to their actions. I don't know why parents are so afraid to scold someone else's child that is misbehaving?!~? If its manners or speech or something else innocuous then yes I think telling someone elses child what to do is crossing a line. But behavior like this, absolutely tell them "NO, that is not nice". This is why children are growing up feeling entitled and immune these days- they don't ever learn consequences from outside forces. Why should they since we all let them get away with it. If it were my child misbehaving and acting like that and I missed it, oh you bet I hope someone was there to set my child straight. Its far more important to me that my child learn consequences and how to live in society.
At such a young age, children should not be expected to stand up for themselves only. You need to model the behavior that promotes standing up for yourself!~

Interesting...although, I am making my comment a little bit late, this is what I would have done. First, I would approach the girl and try to take turns with her to gain some of her sympathy, then, I will invite my child to play all three together. That is, you get involve first and ponder the attitude of the child and if it responds in a positive way, you invite you son to play all three together. If for any reason the child does not respond, I assume the child will get interesting in something else or walk away from you and the toy "in dispute"; therefore, giving you the chance to have your son to play with it and invite others around to try, while you look how your son reacts. It is always very interesting to me to read others opinions in things that could easily apply to real circumstances. It is a micro cosmos of how to grow in maturely way and avoiding the last resource of hitting if someone else does it to you. After having more than one child, you start learning that things are not as control as you wish and have to maneuver at a real time, when the event rises up...that is, to me, the challenge of life.

It is perfectly OK in my opinion to correct other kids' behaviour. I say things like: "you took your turn, now let him take his", "do not push", "please let us through", "we do not like to play like that", etc. If another parent has a problem with that, they can adress me but I will not let other kids intimidate my children.
Another option is to ask the child "Where is your parent?" and then talk to the parent. Unfortunately, there are many ignorant people out there. Your job is to stick up for your kid.
One time I was at a playground and there were 3 kids ranging 3-about7 y/o bullying everyone on the playground and everybody was just avoiding them. I asked one of them where is the parent. They told me they are here with thir older sister. The sisiter ended up being a smart mouth 13 y/o. Well, I told her that this playground is for kids up to 12 y/o and so she cannot be here and she has to take the whole bunch with her because they are unsupervised and I will call the cops to investigate. They left - problem solved.

To all the moms who stand up for their kids....kudos!! Discipline is so rare these days that if we dont stand up for our kids...who will??? My child is 20, but things havent changed that much. If anything its gotten worse!! Hang in there.

I takes a village to raise a child.

Don't expect anyone else to stick up for YOUR kid. They won't usually. I learned the hard way to just speak directly to the kid that's getting out of line, and if I have any doubts or if they've been particularly bad, then I speak to them loudly enough for their oblivious parents to hear, and that is usually enuf to remind the parents of their manners too.
I usually just say to the little hitter/non-sharer: Hey! No hitting! You share!
This will usually scare them into better behavior. I follow it immediately w/ praise for my own kid, when he hasn't hit back. I tell him, I know you really wanted to hit back. I'm really proud of you for letting me handle it.
This also sets a better example for the other kid who's parents have apparently been falling down on the job of teaching their kids social graces, and sets a good example for said parents as well, in a nice way that's not so subtle as to go over their heads.

I think it's okay to interfere a little. I would have held my kid (so he wouldn't get pushed or hit), walked over and asked if he could have a turn with the button. If she said "no," I'd try to plead my case and say, "he's been waiting a while" or say "this is a park for all the kids to get turns with all the different things. I think you need to let him have his turn now."

If the other mom was watching at all, maybe that would make her come over.
If she was super bratty or was going to it me. I'd let her be. You can't always win.

I agree with the other moms about stepping in. Sometimes the parent of the "offending" child is simply overwhelmed. A few weeks ago I was in the supermarket on the same aisle with a mom with 3 small children, one wailing in the shopping cart seat at the top of his lungs. Since his face was at my face height, I turned to him and said, "You must be having a tough day." I think I startled him into quiet. His older brother said to me, "He's really in a bad mood." I replied, "We all have bad moods sometimes, huh?" I moved on down the aisle and heard no more wailing. We all need help sometimes.

Sometimes you will run into this... some parents just don't pay attention unless they hear their kid crying or the kid comes complaining to them. A few weeks ago - we took our kids to McD's playground... an 8 yr old started poking my 4 1/2 yr old - my son did push him to let him know enough. When the 8 yr old went to continue we just said "hey boys enough"... both boys walked away (along with the 8 yr olds older bother) and just went on playing, doing their things apart from eachother.

I'm not sure who the other kids parents were - I never saw the kids approach an adult or sit down w/ anyone to eat. So, how knows they could have been there alone.

Sometimes it is hard to choose what to do... but when they are littler, you need to choose to remove your child from the situation or confront the other parent. But remember - sometimes when you tell a parent what they are doing "wrong" it can cause other issues... so make sure it's kinda a battle you want to deal with - just incase it gets to that point.

It is a hard situation, as a general rule I would say redirect and explain to your child that's not how "we" do things. Sometimes if multiple kids are getting hurt then I might intervene nicely, or in the case where the other kid got in trouble I might in a friendly way mention to the mom of the kid who got caught retaliating that the other girl had been terrorizing everyone. That way you are not approaching the problem in a way that would cause direct conflict but perhaps getting a comrade in the other mom whose kid was struck by the same terror as your kid... sorry you had to go trhough that stuff like that sucks...

Good for you to come to this conclusion. That is one thing I have learned as a mom. Trust my instincts!

The only thing I would have done would be to tell the mom whose son got in trouble that the girl had pushed him first and he was just pushing her back.

Other than that, it sounds like your son handled it all just fine. It's all a part of his learning how to deal with people in the world. These things happen, and you can't control what other people do with their kids. And RARELY is another mother going to take it kindly if you tell her kid is being mean.

(I do agree with other moms that sometimes it's appropriate to talk to other people's kids if their parents are unable to unwilling to do so. I might have calmly said something to this little girl like, "we don't hit people in the face, honey."

Greetings Amy: I have to be careful with this answer becasue I hate bullies@ any age! I have 5 children, several grandchildren and have had a Day Care for many years. So I have seen many parents over the years that would ignore the bad behavior of their child becasue NO ONE spoke up so they figured it didn't bother anyone. I have asked children be removed from my care becasue I would not accept this behavior and parents didn't want thier child to have natural consequences. When I take a child to the park and we have a consistant problem with another child I talk to the parent--- if they didn't see it before they will sure not be able to claim ignorance after! Some people are of the thought that children will be children- but the flip side is bully will be bully if allowed. It is a shame that the other children had to be made 2nd class to this girl becasue itis hard for the others to understand why this was acceptable behavior. You might find that she wasn't the mother at all but a babysitter trying to get out of the house. So take a teaching moment and tell her "Lady are you aware that your child is being mean" I have to say that I root for the one that decked her!! Just remember that parenthood will have many twists and turns -- sort of like a adventure ride at a theme park but with all the teaching moments you will have it will have a great amount of joy at the end of the ride. I know it is the greatest thing I have ever done. Glenda