Really Quite Serious: How Do You Survive the Long Haul?

I had PTSD and had to finally go to therapy. I took it one day at a time, one minute at a time and even one second at a time. If you want a therapist that gets rid of the stress like PTSD instead of learning how to deal with it let me know. I know of a couple of therapist I would recommend.
N.

Ephie, I'm sorry you're going through this stress. It's not an easy situation.

I went through an extremely difficult situation a couple of years ago. I don't want to share it publicly, but it was rough, and it ended badly. It lasted for about a year. I felt very fragile during that time, but I knew my kids needed me, and my husband and other family members, too, for that matter.

I've always been a positive person, very happy, so I got up each morning and put on a happy face. It wasn't easy, but I did it for my kids. I wanted things to remain as normal as possible for them. I had days when I broke down, but overall, I did well for them. Then at night, I would relax, and often cry. My husband was amazing. He was my support. I could cry and rant and rave at night to my husband, and he would listen. Then in the morning, I would get up and put the smile back on.

Finally, our lives got back to normal, and the smile was real again. I don't cry at night anymore, and the stress is gone. During our rough year, I tried getting massages from time to time, and I do love to drink tea. :) I also spent a lot of time praying. Unfortunately nothing helped, and I got very little sleep. I just had to get through it, but I did get through it, and my husband helped a lot.

I hope you get the outcome you need, and that you find ways to help you with the stress. I know how hard it can be to deal with stress. ((hugs))

I wasn't sure what kind of long haul this was going to be. See school was stressful but my success was completely dependent on me. Crazy amount of stress but eye on the prize you get through it.

You are talking more of the stress with Andy and I my divorce. Argh! That was so not in my control and that is key to what makes it hard. You don't know how the court is going to rule, what they will or will not believe and what will even happen. All the while you are trying to protect an easily damaged child.

Sound about right?

Not sure if this is going to help but every wave pushed me under. Countless times I felt I was pushed to my limit. Every time I found something somewhere in me that I pushed on only to be hit again.

Looking back the process made me strong, stronger than I think I could have been had it been easy. I really don't know if I would have done as well as I did in school had I not gone through the process. What I learned in the end was every limit I felt I had was self imposed! I could do anything so long as I accepted I was the only one limiting me.

Pretty nice prize don't you think? :)

Things didn't work out quite as well as I had hoped but at least I have the strength to be there for Andy when he needs me. I have the strength to stand up to my ex when he is being a tool.

So I guess I am saying don't get a full plan worked out, be flexible on your journey but know what you want the end result to be. There will be plenty of disappointment and fights without adding to it.

You guys are going to be OK....I just feel it!

Don't worry about the smooth talking well ta-do bio-Dad...he hasn't been in her life for a long time, right? Courts don't look kindly on that sort of thing...basically he has abandoned his child and the courts will see that!!

You are doing the right thing Ephie...and your niece is lucky to have you pulling for her and taking care of her!

~How do I deal with the stress? Just one second, one day at a time. I get panic attacks too...and all I can say is 'Just breath'!

Wishing you all the best!

Karma

hello, darlin'.
it can be hard to breathe and keep the big picture in mind when you're in the trenches. so glad your mom was with you and knew how to talk you through the eeeEEEeeeEEEEeeeeeeEEEE.
i wish i had something foolproof to offer you. but of course you're wise enough to know such a thing doesn't exist.
i think there are good tools to help cope, though. the first one being to take care of yourself. your kids need you, and you can't be there for them if you're exhausted, ragged and torn apart. so take what time you need to nurture yourself, even if it means strictly budgeting your time and resources to make sure you get to hike or sit under a tree or browse a used book store or do primal scream therapy or whatever gets you back in balance.
don't get upset with yourself for occasionally getting caught up in an emotional tailspin. a situation like this is so fraught with tension. the goal isn't to remain in a zen place all the time. it's to learn how to keep returning to it over and over and over.
i know i overuse riding metaphors, but they're so appropriate (at least if you're familiar with the terminology<G>.) a half-halt is a poorly named rebalancing aid that reminds your horse to check in with you, to breathe, to focus, to listen, to rebalance. when done correctly, it can't be overdone. if your horse (or your life) is grooving along smoothly and beautifully, you don't need to do it. but when things are choppy, confused, upset or out of control, you can half halt at every stride. it's not a full stop or a check-out, it's just a whoosh of released breath and opportunity to re-collect.
i will be surrounding you all with bright soft light and positive energy.
khairete
S.

I don't know most of your backstory, and especially with legal procedures involved, I completely understand your choice to minimize specifics in this forum. I can imagine that if I were in your situation of facing court procedures to keep a child, I'd be having panic attacks too. Remember that you can only do your part and then let go of the outcome. If you have provided documentation of how she WAS when she came to you freshly out of the bio parent situation and how she is NOW, as well as a good lawyer with experience in custody, you have done your part. As others have said, if a parent disappeared for years and someone else has successfully cleaned up the mess they created, I can't imagine a judge is going to toss the child back with him/her. Also, if a kid is in good shape now, why would one change their situation?

For you, keep on breathing, saying the Serenity Prayer, bringing yourself back into the present, and even finding ways to laugh or celebrate what ever is beautiful around you right now. Sending you good thoughts!

I am going through some extreme stress now-in addition to my 2 most recen posts about money our car broke down yesterday! Oh fun!
Anyways...right now I just am not dealing with it. Usually however I resort to a sick sense of humor-"When it rains it pours-haha bring it on-I love rain!". Also I have always had a deep seated faith that in any situation WE WILL BE FINE! We may not like eating just mac n cheese and I haven't bought new clothes in FOREVER (and it sucks) but I do have a roof over my head, food in my babies stomach and clothes on our back and I am so greatful to God for that.
Yesterday I was having yet another pity party while at a church picnic and say a gentleman old enough to be my granpa wearing what looked like everything he owned carrying a small sack with napkins. His shoes were absolutely worthless and he had no socks, the seat of his pants were duct taped neatly together as was his sweater. It was 95 degrees and he had no water and was sunburned-but he had a smile on his face and said hello very cheerfully and told me to smile. I was so ashamed of myself-this man very clearly had obvious needs but he was still smiling! So what if circumstances weren't kind to him? He was kind to me!

I've never gone through what you're about to venture on so please hear my advice as a pure outsider. I have however gone through the long and arduous process of learning how to walk, speak appropriately, and eat again. The stress was, insane, is the best way to describe it. What got me through was that I knew that I wanted to be able to do all of those things as well as be able to do for my child whom I was pregnant with at the time. I pushed through the emotional, physical, and psychological pains due to how greatly I wanted what was on the other side.

I cannot imagine how difficult this journey will be and the only thing I can say is push through, even if you want to give up, keep going because eventually things will be as they are supposed to be. I wish you the best.

Oh, sweetheart, stress is so hard, especially when it includes worries about loved ones / innocent children. We want so badly for things to turn out a certain way that we spin our mental and emotional wheels desperately trying to steer fate.

Well, I'm not sure any more what fate is or whether I believe in it. I do believe, based merely on 60-some years of experience, that things always work out. One way or another, things do work out, just not always the way we hoped. So I wonder if it would be useful to look closely at the worst possible outcome, and see that even THAT contains new possibilities for learning, growth, and love among all parties involved. That might leaven the stress that you feel, at least a little.

Plenty of people find that almost any activity that temporarily drags them into a less-stressed state, at least for a little while, gives the brain and body a chance to recover a touch of grace. This can be prayer, chanting, music, dance, exercise – whatever serves to give some relief.

The brain is fueled by blood sugar, and can burn out its available supply quickly, leaving you even more drained. So eat carefully – small, balanced, regular meals are far better than one late "I-gotta-eat-NOW-what-can-I-find-that's-quick" meal.

And the brain is restored by sleep. If worry is keeping you awake, really throw yourself into any of the above alternatives to help you find a sense of balance. Just don't excercise too much during that hour or two before bedtime.

Your (niece?) has a life trajectory that neither of you can see from here. It may be far harder, scarier, or sadder than what you want for her. That's difficult, and it's also exciting. She may learn things about herself and her strength that never would have developed without those challenges. As much as we'd like, we just can't protect children from life.

So, last thing to do? Find the tears, and cry them. Find the laughter, too. It's almost always there. Maybe hiding behind the tears.

I'd love to hear more about what's going on if you'd like to p.m. me.

Prayers are with you!! I am dealing with something similar, unfortunately our precious baby girl is in the system!! WHICH SUCK!! We have not gotten to the parental termination stage yet and not sure we will. The system is trying to reunify her with her mother. If you read some of my older posts you will get a better idea what we are dealing with. Unfortunately, parental rights come first, and I am convinced it stands NO MATTER what they do!!!! Like you situation our baby girl will have an amazing life if she is permitted to stay, if she is reunited with her mother, I fear for her future. It is unfair but all we can do is fight for what is right, stay focused, and take one day at a time. I told a friend this is like being on an emotional roller coaster, one minute up the next down. I just keep praying, talking about it helps verses holding your frustrations and feelings in. If you need a shoulder you can always reach out. Stay strong, you are doing an amazing thing for this child, remember that. Try to keep busy and keep happy thoughts in your mind. Some things are out of our control, but during the process know that you are doing a wonderful thing for this child. I have nightmares thinking about loosing our baby, I know exactly how you feel!! Hang in there!! Happy thoughts!!

I know you prefer more introspection but for me life is very simple. Life is comprised of plenty I am responsive to but not responsible for creating. Without examining whys and wherefores and how-the-heck-did-I-get-heres, I always remember it's not how many times I get knocked down but how many times I get back up that count. If I don’t rise that last time, then all the reasons and understanding in the world won’t matter. Get back up and push off the introspection for a later date. Put one foot in front of the other and deal with it as best you can. People (including me) need me right now me so I don’t allow myself to fall apart. Besides I am for one am not giving my husband’s –itch of an ex-wife the satisfaction of thinking she’s won a damn thing, including breaking me down. She is not worth it. I don’t call her the used incubator for nothing and I have learned she’s so insignificant in the scheme of things I have to work to avoid giving her more power than she deserves. She doesn’t matter. She only matters if I let her matter.

As far as your specific custody situation document, document, document and then have faith. We deal with a crazy ex wife and I have learned without a doubt the status quo is what the courts want to maintain. For you that means I expect it to fully work in your favor. The path may be long but I think the ending for you will be a nearly forgone conclusion. It may not feel like that in the moment but I fully believe that based on my own experiences. Whatever arrangements you have now as the current provider/parent will continue no matter how slick your ex is. He’s on the outside looking in which is where we are. Trust me when I say the view on the outside is distinctly different and those on the outside are the ones who have the real battles and the real worries. You are fighting to change the status quo and that is like pushing an elephant up a glass hill. Basically we eat the –hit sandwiches and keep on keeping on because that is our status quo. I wouldn’t worry too much about the courts going crazy on you. Good luck and many well wishes.