Re:Too Fat.

Wow, size 13 is fat?! I wouldn't loose weight for soemone else. If you feel you are getting big then you work out for you, don't run to a gym so someone will love you that's just crazy. Hubby needs marital counseling. What is he going to do as you get older? It's common to gin weight since it's even harder to loose.

If my husband said that, I'd be finding out with whom he is having an affair.
And then, I'd find myself a really good lawyer.
YMMV
LBC

I think that's a crock of you know what. He probably has a problem himself and cannot perhaps perform. Perhaps you might remind him of a few of his own short comings. Oh that is so bad. At any rate, I am 53 and alternate between a 13 and a 16 and who knows what. Who cares? I eat well and have a lot of energy. And I'm alive! My husband isn't particularly interested in the size of me, more what's available to him.

I too am having problems in my marriage. My husband and I NEVER have sex. It's been 7 years and he has a long list of excuses as too why we don't. I no longer care or cry about and I will tell you why.

If I have to beg, plead and cajole something out of him he obviously does not want to do, then it's not worth it. I tried to make myself something I am not in order to counter every excuse he gave, which ranged from work schedule made hime tired, stressed about money, wouldn't touch me when I was pregnant (grossed out), etc. This is just a small sampling of reasons, he got more personal as tiime has gone on and has outright blamed me for his lack of interest.

I took a step back and realized it's not me, it's him. He is the one with excuses, problems and reasons and has been the one in control of our sex life for 7 years. It only happens when he wants it too. I used to have sex with him every time he wanted too whether I was in the mood or not bcse I never knew when it would happen again. No more. If I am in the mood, we do, if not we don't. We have had sex 4 times in the past 6 or 7 months.

It's his loss, not mine. I am a great wife, mother and friend. If he doesn't find that attractive - again - his loss. I now take care of me, for me. I got very depressed at one point and stopped taking care of myself. I now make sure to do my hair and make up every day - for me. I don't shave my legs bcse we "might" have sex, i do it bcse it makes me feel good. The list goes on for the things I do to make myself feel good for me and no one else. He can either become active in our marriage or get out. Eiither way is fine with me. My sense of self worth is no longer tied up in what he thinks.

Sooooo, long story short - to all the women who told you to lose weight to make yourself more attractive to your husband - shame on them. And those women who told you he was going to cheat on you - shame on them again. I can't beilieve in this day and age women are still like this.

Moral of the story - build up your self esteem for you, just you. If you want to lose weight then go for it, but only if it will make you feel good. And do anything else you can think to do for yourself. And do not allow him to belittle you. Make yourself attractive to yourself. Size 13 is not fat. Who cares what sixe you are, you could be a size 24. Sorry for the long post, just take care of yourself and ignore the neanderthal. It's hard, but as you begin to feel better about you, you will care less and less about what he thinks.

My husbands kneejerk reaction is to be a jerk, but he hasn't gone there probably because any of the following are likely to follow such a comment. (He's frequently a jerk,,, but he IS smart.)

So what you're saying, honey, is that you're about to write me a $40,000 check for plastic surgery? And you've arranged 6 months of total care, maids and everthing, while I recover!!! Merry christmas to me! THANK you baby!

Thanks for being honest. You won't have to worry, though... I doubt I'll want to join you on the couch.

They have a little blue pill for that, you know.

Don't worry, I don't want to have sex with someone who makes me cry and feel ugly either. I DO need the credit card, though. Toys in Babeland is having a sale.

Uh, well first I'd find myself an excellent lawyer, then I'd find myself an excellent lover.

Sorry, but it takes a real dirtbag to say that to his own wife.

:(

I'd say "Well, that's good since I don't want to have sex with a rude, shallow, insensitive jerk! I'll be waiting for that apology and some great make-up sex when you see what an idiot you are."

Size 13? Are you kidding? Did you just recently gain weight or something? Does your husband have control issues, in other words, does he try to control you in other ways? Size 13 is hardly "too fat".

It is so sad when a man can't see past the exterior when it comes to sexual attraction. I am overweight and my husband wants to have sex with me all the time. I know when he looks at me, he sees past my appearance and sees my personality and character and everything about me that he loves. He always tells me I'm the most beautiful and sexy woman he has ever known. There ARE men out there who aren't all about the external when it comes to physical attraction.

I wish I had some magical advice for you. All I can say is your husband needs to get over himself and learn to appreciate the beauty within. We are not always going to be 20 years old and size 4. I'm guessing he's not the young, buff dude he once was either. Unfortunately, you can't force sexual attraction. It's either there or it's not. Maybe some marital counseling is in order. It's possible there is more to the problem than meets the eye.

Good luck!

Blessings,
N.

you know, marriages are individual and varied and one does try not to make blanket statements. but i'm having a hard time finding ANY context under which this would be okay.
i am 51 and fabulous, and a size 13 is a just-barely-possible dream for me.
but it's not about whether or not you're fat or desirable. if you were a size 5 this cretin would still be the asshat he currently is. and you deserve better.
i suggest a trade-in.
:P khairete
S.

I would be devastated too. A healthy sex life is so important. I'm so sorry. {{{{HUGS}}}

I'm not sure what I would do, but I would probably either buy a really good vibrator and/or find a lover. And I'm sure I would eventually get a divorce because I love sex.

Maybe your husband is having erection problems and trying to blame you for his lack of erection.

o my! first of all a size 13 is hardly fat, especially in an older person. Is it possible he is having some issues and trying to place blame on you and not himself? does he have any heart issues? they usually go hand in hand with erectile dysfunction. Either way you both probably need some therapy. He hurt you terribly and he shouldnt have done that. I am so sorry and I hope for the best for you!

My husband is the king of not saying what he means or not meaning what he says. However, he has always appreciated my body and made me feel wanted and special to him. We have been together for almost 14 years and I have changed quite a bit. I have gained weight and lost weight and gained some of the weight back. We got pregnant with our daughter when I was at my heaviest. My husband loves me and wants me no matter what.

My own family criticized my weight growing up. They made me feel awful. I felt like they were ashamed of me and embarrassed by me. I often felt (and still do) like I don't belong. My husband and his family and friends are so kind, warm and generous. Over the years, they have made me feel more "at home" than I ever felt with my own flesh and blood. They have always made me feel welcome and accepted. Visiting my family is terrible because they still don't hide their opinions. They don't like my husband or his family. I've always wondered if they would ever like anyone who disagreed with them by loving me.

There is no excuse that justifies your husband's statement. It is disrespectful and inconsiderate. I, too, have suffered from low self-esteem my whole life. I can imagine how devastating this situation is. I want you to focus on the facts that are true. You are a special person. You are a beautiful woman. You are an excellent mother. You are a wonderful wife. Please be your own best friend. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Surround yourself by loved ones and friends who treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who lift you up and help you to feel good about yourself. It is a daily struggle for me. I know it isn't easy. I don't know what to tell you to do other than look out for #1! Be the best YOU you can be. Do what makes you feel content, what makes you feel happy and what brings you peace.

I hope this helps:) I hope your heart and hurt heals. Best wishes!

Been there done that . You aren't fat - let that comment roll off your back. There is some other problem going on and he needs to come clean and tell you what it is.

First, I want to say no one should say that to anyone. It is self esteem crushing, belittling, and no good can come from it. Encouragement, is the key. Oh...and for the record...I do NOT think size 13 is fat. That's just crazy!!! Second...I think I am going to play devils advocate here. SO, here goes.
I would have a very hard time being sexually attracted to my husband, if he gained a very large amount of weight. Now I know people gain weight, it's life. I am talking 100 pounds, or more. Why? Because I am simply not attracted to larger men. I know that sounds shallow, but it just how I am wired. I always have been. It wasn't suggested to me by anyone, I just know, that when I'm attracted to a man, he was always a more healthy weight. I am attracted to healthy, active men. I think in my conscientious, extra weight might correlate to being unhealthy? I don't know, I just know what I find attractive. I know that if I gained a huge amount of weight, my husband would feel the same. He loves active, healthy people as well. He desires that, for his life, out of his spouse. I'm not saying, that I would be so un-attracted, I couldn't have sex with him...or him with me. (after all, much our attraction comes from our love for each-other.) I'm just saying, it would be a struggle to adjust to. Have you always been smaller? Or, has he decided this is what he's attracted to know? If you have always weighed less, perhaps...he just needs to adjust his idea of you. But, honestly...it sounds like he's just being a jerk. Since size 13 can clearly be healthy...I wonder what is going on with him...to give him this idea. Do some digging...find out what's really wrong.

I can't believe that I'm saying this ... but here's my advice. Get yourself some adult toys. Have sex with yourself. This is what I would do. :) He'll join in before long.

Does he know that the average size of women in the US is a 14? Dos he know that Marilyn Monroe wore a 14?

Please don't ever give someone else that much power over your own self worth. We're all so much more than the size of our jeans!

p.s. Size 13 is for juniors--start shopping in the misses dept!

I cannot believe that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Has he always been a jerk?!?!?! I could understand if he was to tell you that he was concerned for your health if you were at an unheathy weight and was wanting to work with you. But if my husband would say that to me, in a mean way, I would tell him that it won't hurt me one bit not to have sex, but that if he cheated on me I would take him for everything he owns!!!!

D.,
I would go to counseling with or without him. Let someone guide you to deal with all those feelings and make a decision of whether to work on the marriage (if hubby is willing) or to move on.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria

I'm in your peer group and have had sort of the same issue with my husband. Honestly, because they are older themselves and they have a bit of an erectile problem they tend to want to blame it on us.... so they belittle us thinking it will make them feel better. Of course they could (possibly) get one of their good ol' days hard erection if a Dallas Cowboy's Cheerleader came on to them but what are the chances of that happening? I would just tell him to quit being so pompous and face the music (he's gettin older!). He probably doesnt have the stamina anymore. I know it's much harder on my husband these days, lol. But, not to make you feel bad, you probably should drop about 20lbs because you will feel better (that just recently happened to me).... and then he wont have an excuse for his "own little" problem. We've been taking walks everyday, it helps both of us in the bedroom.
Anyway, don't take what he said too seriously, I'm pretty sure he's just covering for his own inadequacies. Buy him a Penthouse magazine, let him lay in bed and read it for a little while, and if you show up naked and perfumed I trust he will be more than willing to give you a roll in the hay. We have to get a little inventive when we've been married forever and getting older. Sex is healthy exercise. He might think you don't find HIM sexy anymore and that's another reason he's trying to turn it on you.
Get creative and seduce him and show him that a little bit of extra flesh is not that big of a deal.

When I read your question I didn't even know what a 13 is... do clothes for females come in odd sizes? I've been in plus sized clothes since high school and those are always even numbers - 14,16,18,20,22,24...

I thought that men only said that to their wives on Jerry Springer. I can't believe a husband would tell his wife she is too fat to be intimate with... whether she is 110 or 310 pounds. I would be furious and hurt and probably would have snapped back that my chubby fingers can please me more then he can anyway!

As I sit here I wonder if maybe he is the same age as you are and experiencing some ED symptoms? Perhaps he is insecure and instead of addressing this as a medical issue he is blaming his lack of sex drive and lack of ability to respond to stimulation on YOU. As you get older a lot of things can affect a mans ability to get an erection and keep it -- diabetes, blood pressure medicines, low testosterone, depression. If this comment was out of character for your husband maybe you could talk to him about getting a physical and some little blue pills if everything else is okay?

I'm sorry he said that to you, I can only imagine how much that hurt.

I would.... pack his clothes, and throw them out the front door in a suit case.

I am SURE... he does not look like he did, when he was 20 years old. Nor is his body shape... the same. He must be sagging somewhere.... too.

He is probably having his own identity crises... and insecurities.
So what. That's life. We grow, age, change... HOPEFULLY mature... and become less shallow and more sophisticated.

Yah, that is a JERK comment to make.
Chauvanistic.
Selfish
Mean
SHALLOW.

Do not be devastated... he is... displaying his shallow juvenile mentality. Pathetic. HE is pathetic. NOT you.

My Husband, after I had kids... my body changed. He had a tad issue with it. Because before I had kids, I was a total fit slick in-shape chick. 6 pack abs and everything, only 100 pounds and no fat on me whatsoever. I worked out and ran like the wind.
BUT... I NEVER EVER... let my Huband's comment about my post-kids "shape" affect me. BECAUSE... I have my own self-respect and my own self-confidence about myself.. which is not contingent on my body shape. My Husband, (lucky for him), now does not comment about it. He has 'grown-up'... and gotten over the fact, that ADULTS... change over time and their appearance. HE is not the slim/trim guy he was once, either. And his hair thinned. He use to look like a total babe. Still is, but older now... and more robust in body shape. He will never be, Antonio Banderas... who that is what he looked like when we first met. Oh well.
HE has... come to terms... with HIS body/looks/appearance/Age... and in turn... has come to terms... with mine.

Your Husband... sounds VERY mean... because, he as you said... is trying to "downplay" your devastation about it.
He is.... a jerk.

I ALSO made sure, to pointedly tell my Husband... HOW DARE he say things like that to me.... when we have kids, a Daughter and Son... and I do NOT want them... to be shallow like him... and have hang-ups about body shape or weight. THAT sank in... to him.
AND I told him... HIS looks are different now too.. but I STILL consider him... loved...by me.... and that should be enough. I don't go according to appearance.

SHOW him... all of your responses... to your post.

all the best,
Susan

Definitely there is another issue here, an affair or something else going on. In my experience men don't care about weight, make up, if you shaved your legs or even took a shower! I know that is crude, but if a man wants sex, he will take it anyway he can get it. Perhaps he is having sexual problems and wants to place the blame on you.

Size is never the issue. You both need to get help of some kind--marriage counseling, reach out at church, something. Work on healing the relationship, and sex will fall naturally into it's place.

If he is your age or close to your age - he might be running into some problems of his own. Some men are so freaked out that they blame their partner just not to have to deal with it. I think it's a natural part of aging but can also mean that he has some medical issues and needs to see the dr. If he is taking medication - like blood pressure meds, it can cause a decrease in sex drive. I promise you that you are not "too fat" and it is mean of him to say that to you. Men go through mid life crisis, too, but that doesn't allow them to be mean to you. I hope he is more pleasant to you the rest of the time! Good luck and God bless!!

I would feel terrible and it would be a long, long time before I wanted to have sex with him. I am assuming that he realizes it was a stupid, shallow, jerky thing to say since he's now trying to downplay it and that he really loves you..but just says stupid, insensitive things. Size 13 is pretty average for 55 so maybe you can have an honest conversation with him about expectations since you have both aged and I'm betting he doesn't look exactly like he did when you first met either. My husband is also very insensitive especially on the issue of weight. My weight goes up and down and I try to keep it down as its so important to him but regardless of where I am on the scale and right now I'm way down, I work on his sensitivity issues. In fact, I work on his sensitivity issues even more when my weight is down. If he says something about a friend putting on weight, or that the saleswoman that is waiting on us is kind of chubby, I give it right back to him and tell him he is genetically lucky (because it's not that he's a healthy eater) and he has no idea what it's like to battle weight constantly. I tell him how many calories are in what he's putting in his mouth (beer) and how most people our age can't get away with that. I say isn't that funny that you noticed her weight and I noticed her smile, what do you think that means? I do it so often that I think I've now made him as sensitive to being insensitive as he's made me about my weight. Try it - it's a fun pay back!

wow you are not even that fat!!! thats crazy that he would say something like that to you!!! thats not good for your self esteem or your relationship its not you at all maybe hes the one with the problem if you know what i mean, and hes trying to make it all your fault. talk to him communication is the key!! maybe he needs some help like viagra or something and hes to shy to talk about it. even though i think it was mean of him to tell you such a thing and maybe you should reconsider having sex with him at all!!!

I'm sorry you're married to such a man. Get real, we're all not 21 anymore! I wonder if something else was really on his mind and he was just lashing out. That's a horrible thing to say to your wife.

Tell him fine... You'll have no problem finding many others who would love to 'have you'. Tell him you want to start experimenting with cuckholding.

A couple things come to mind. Is he having an affair, and by calling you fat is his excuse not to have sex w/ you since he has a lover on the side?

The next thing that comes to mind is how much do you love him. If you love him very much and can't imagine your life without him, then maybe you should consider losing some weight in order to please him (assuming he is thin and NOT cheating on you). Please don't take this the wrong way - I am NOT in any way condoning what your husband said - it was very rude. I am simply saying that if you want to stay married to him and love him, maybe you should consider weight loss.

If you can't get over what he said and want out of your marriage, then that certainly is an option.

If he is not cheating on you now, and if you don't lose weight, I bet he will cheat on you at some point.

You just need to figure out what you want. If you are happy with your size and weight, then do nothing. If you are not happy with your size and weight, then do something about. But if you do nothing, just know that your husband probably will cheat on you. I know it hurts. I am sorry what you are going through.

It would hurt like hell, but his words would propel me straight away from the dinner plate and into a gym.

Make his words work for you. But do not let on to him that you are dieting, exercising and trying to look better. Let the results slowly dawn on him.

Knock the heck outta him?? Ask him who he is having sex with instead of you then? I would be willing to bet that it's him getting older and having ED issues or low testosterone . Either way, it is totally unfair for him to do that to you. I would tell him you need him to tell you the honest truth on what his problem is. If it's a medical issue then ya'll can take care of it together, no reason to be embarressed. If he says that it is honestly cause he thinks your fat (I would hear gross if it were me) , well then I think I would tell him just how bad it hurts to hear him say that, he can sleep in another room from now on since your so gross and he can just beat off from now on.

My husband has been thru this, although he never blamed me. His issue is low T we are pretty sure was caused by a very high fever he had that damaged his pituitary gland.

So how much weight has he gained over the last 30 years? You had 3 kids, ask him what his excuse is? He should be thankful that he has such a good wife that has been taking care of him & his kids over the last 30 years. I dont understand why men think they deserve some "Beyonce" looking woman when they dont look like Brad Pitt! Both of you could probably use a make over-hell, couldnt we all! Tell him he needs to enjoy the next few years he has to enjoy sex with you. In several short years, he wont even be able to perform!