I don't know what to do. Here is a little history first. When my husband and I first got engaged, he was estranged from his father. (His father left his mother when he was 21 and his mother has never worked a day in her life, and his little brother and sister where still at home, ages 15 and 10) He had to take over where his father left off. (Pretty much put his life on hold for 6 years.) Anyways after he proposed he felt like he owed it to his father to at least tell him the news. His father was nice at first, but when it came time to invite people to the wedding there was a problem. Do to the fact that my husband father and brother do not get along at all and could not be in the same place with out there being a scene, I decided that as the bride I wanted the focus on me, and not their family feud, I was only having one of them there. And I was close with my brother in law more so he got the invite not my father in law. Due to this decision I was called every dirty name in the book, even some I didn’t know. My father in law then proceeded to tell me that he wanted nothing to do with me and I was no one to him. I said that, that was fine, it was his choice.
Then about 8 months later he and his new wife wrote a cruel and hurtful letter accusing my husband of having a sexual relationship with his sister and other horrible things. When we confronted him about it he said, “It was meant to get a reaction from us.” All I know is that the only reaction it got was me calling a lawyer. Of course all the things are false. But what kind of person would write a hurtful letter like that.
NOW here is the catcher, I got pregnant a year later and just had the baby. He was not on the list of people we called, but we knew that he would find out because we are in touch with other people in the family. Now he feels bad that we didn’t call and tell him. I knew that he would feel this way, and I thought I was ready for how I would feel. But I just don’t know what I should do. Should I reach out to him or tell him to screw off???
I'd just pretend he didn't even exhist! Sounds like a player to me, worthless and useless, and can't truely hold to a commitment, unless it benifits him! Forget about him, or like you said screw him!
I am new mom and estranged from my father. He knows I had a kid, he has only seen my child in photos and will never see him face to face. three things: 1. Seems your husband feels guilt. Guilt is unresolved grief. he needs to deal with the loss of his father. 2. A feeling is not a command- just cause he feels like his dad should know does not mean he has to tell him. Feelings will pass. It hurt like hell to not tell my dad or see him hold his grand child. But having his overall destructive behavior in our lives would hurt more. 3. This is not about you or your husband relationship as far as I can tell those are damanged beyong repiar, this is about your child relationship you would nto allow you child to be in an unhealthy space or people, familiy is no different just harder.
this is just my journey. I brought a life into the world i swore to protect and defend at all cost, that includes people who I love when I see they do not love me and do not have the capacity to love my child respectfully.
Yikes! What a tough deal! I totally agree to leave it alone! It sounds like whatever you do or say will be held against you so I would not give him any leverage.
I know that people hate to cut family ties but there are some relationships that are so toxic that they SHOULD be cut. These people have tried to damage your hubby in the worst way and think of all the ways that he could damage your kids. You are VERY kind to even want to reach out to him but you CANNOT change him. Don't let him manipulate you and your family.
I disagree to an extent about your hubby being the one to communicate with his family. True, they need to know that he is on YOUR side and that you and your kids come first but you DO have a voice. Especially if someone is harming you and your family.
I hope you find a solution that brings you peace. Blessings on you!
I have had a similar situation with some relatives, and it is never easy. My best advice would be to leave him alone. If he apologizes and wants a relationship with his grandchild, don't keep him away. Forgiveness, even if it is not deserved, is always the best policy. Never put your child in the middle, or use him/her as a pawn. Good luck, I hope your family wil one day be in harmony.
I think you could go either way on this one, but lowering yourself to someone else's level of immaturity is not worth the satisfaction you'd momentarily get from telling him to screw off. Tempting as it may be, and I would definately be tempted. I'm not sure that I would be able to actually initiate the contact with him, but I wouldn't be able to stoop to his level if he called first. I had a similar situation with inlaws, and my motto was always "I don't have to be nice, I only have to not be a B***ch." I am sure that you are not that way normally, and being like that will only make you feel bad about the way you acted later on. But I would also tell him how his letter hurt you, and make it clear in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that he and his wife would never be allowed to be alone with your children, for fear of what stupid immature thing might come out of his mouth next.
As women and mothers we are naturally caregivers and are concerned with other people's feelings. And I can understand the guilt or abiguity you are feeling. I have a very similar situation with my FIL and his wife, except it is very clear with all parties that we do not want to continue a relationship with him. Still, my husband and I were also torn as to whether or not we should send a birth announcement when our daughter was born. We came to the conclusion that we did not want to send mixed messages. Since my husband has decided that he does not want a relationship with his father, we found it appropriate to act like he doesn't have a relationship with his father and not inform him of our pregnancy/birth (although, like you, we knew he would find out through other family members.) My FIL does not recognize any birthdays or holidays, so why should our daughter's very first birthday be any differen? The way things stand, we don't plan to have our children associate with him in the future. We have enough people in our lives that are loving, giving, and supportive that we do not need someone who is abusive, unhealthy, negative, and judgemental.
If he said you were nothing to him, then why were his feelings hurt when you didn't tell him about the baby? My self I would tell him to screw off. Especially after he was calling you names and the letter he wrote. I wouldn't let any of my kids near someone like that. That's just my opinion. Good Luck.
I, personally, don't think I would put my child in a position to have to deal with the heart aches that your husband has had to deal with. You have seen his father react in ways that are improper to you and your husband. Who knows if 10 years down the road your father in law will do something out of anger or spite to your child? Or use them as a pawn between your husband and himself...I would be very careful.
You owe this man nothing, not even your time. He's been nothing but trouble. I would not have contact with him. Imagine what things will be like when your child(ren) are older and can realize what a pain this guy is.
Leave it to your husband... it's his father and he should be the one dealing with his family. You've just had a baby and need your time, attention and energy to be focus on your new baby. Tell your hurband that you will support any decision that he makes but it really is up to him. If he calls great if he doesn't than support him. Sounds like for 6 years his father was out of the picture... let him understand that you are not intending to hurt him however he is an adult and needs to grow up.
I would tell him to screw off!! You have a new member of your own family that does not desirve to see what his grandfather is really like. I would just send him a announcement, but don't call him. You don't have time for his issues. All he will be is an in and out family member. Someone that will get really close with your new one and then leave and not see or talk to him for a long time and then make his way back in again. My mother in law is like that.. I don't have time for it.. My kids feel it, and it pisses me off!!
Definitely mend fences as best you can! And do it right away! You may need to keep your distance from him most of the time but he is still the grandparent of your child and that position must be respected if you want to do right by your child in the future. Strained relationships, divorces and such are hard enough on kids (young and old) but to be the perceived as the one who broke off the relationship will be devastating for you and your child. When your child is old enough to realize you did the breaking (regardless of what grandpa may have said or done in the past, most of which your child won't or shouldn't be privy to) his disappointment with you may be profound and your bad behavior awfully hard to explain. Kids want to love their grandparents. If Grandpa is going to be a fool, let him do it himself, don't play along! Be the one who reaches out, forgives and tries to get along, for your husband's sake and your child's. Time will reveal to all the nature of your father in law's character (if there is any question at this point) and yours too, if you stoop to his level and act rudely toward him and his wife. Cutting off all contact doesn't work either. You can never completely severe family ties. There's always a wedding, new baby or funeral that throws relatives together. Better to be viewed by the larger family as the one who is longsuffering and hopeful for reconciliation, than as the one on the attack. Send a short apology for not telling them about your baby, maybe briefly explain your concern about anyone making trouble at the wedding and admit that you took the wrong route to keeping the peace. If he accepts this, you are on your way to reconciliation (the goal) if not, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you tried.
SAHM for seven. My father's family had the same type of accusations and grudges going on for years. It estranged many and tore the family apart, but at least my branch is not seen as having taken part in any of that. And my conscience is clear before God that I did what I could to mend fences.
Your husband needs to decide if/how much he wants the Father-In-Law involved. Once he makes that decision, then the rest will be easy for you, because you will be united in understanding.
If you decide you want to let him know of the new arival, you could choose the "inform only" method. Just a simple e-mail or card/birth announcement and see what avenue he chooses after that. Good luck. Family feuds are very hard when you are the in-law!! That is why it is vital to let your husband make the decision and stand beside him in that choice.
I wouldn't reach out to him. Some people you have to love at a distance because they are toxic. I would personally pray for him and healing in the family, but wouldn't trust him. Both my father-in-law and father were not told about my wedding to my husband or the birth of our daughter. Unfortunately they had hurt both my mom and my husband's mother, so we couldn't keep in contact with them. They both passed away in the last couple of years and I pray they are finally at peace.
i am so sorry for the situation that you are in. it SUCKS when people who are supposed to be there for you and behind you would treat their blood like that!
i wouldnt do anything. if he contacts you specifically and treats you with respect, you could slowly start connecting. theres nothing like a baby to bring family together, but with all the hurt in the past, i wouldnt recommend to just immediatly start being involved with him. just relax, give it time, and dont feel obligated to have to do or say anything to FIL. you dont have to reach out to him and you dont have to blow him off either. remain neutral.
in the future, i and im sure you two also, would love to see this man as for forgiveness, and if he does i would hope you can forgive him. in fact, i hope that forgiveness comes now, today, even if you cant really bring him into your lives right now. i would love to think that someday you all could be a family again and be happy. its not always possible, there isnt always a light at the end of the tunnel. but dont feel obligated to be nice or rude to him. just be patient and pray that he comes around to the loving man that must be underneath all this anger.
i pray for you and your family, and good luck. again, dont feel obligated to react. if you dont react, maybe the negativity will go away
I would keep them out of your life. There is no reason to bring toxic people into your life especially now that you have a baby. You own them nothing. Where does your husband stand? It might be a good idea for him to get some counseling to deal with his feeling towards his father and to help him to realize he does not need a person like that in his life. There are a lot of great groups that are set-up specifically to deal with frustrating in laws. If you Google dealing with the in-laws or MIL crapburger you will find some ladies that will have dealt with every form of crazy in-law.
Good Luck!
Natalie,
I wouldn't bother reaching out. He's always going to do/say something to hurt you when ever he doesn't get the way he wants. It's not worth your time or effort to worry about his feelings. I wouldn't react to it at all. Don't reach out, don't tell him to screw off. He wants to feel he has the power and either response will give him the satisfaction.
Enjoy your husband and your new baby and make a great life for the 3 of you, with out him.
I would tell him to take a flying leap. Who needs such drama in their life. With a new baby to focus on I wouldn't spend a minute worrying about this man when he obviously has no real concern about his son, daughter-in-law or new grandbaby. It sounds to me like the just likes attention and he didn't get any when you had a baby.
I would not speak to him or call him. He needs to do some growing up. If he would say hurtful things like that to his own son who knows what he would say about his grandchild, If you made him mad. That is not the kind of person you want around your child. nor should your child have to be put down like that.
Well, we stopped talking and seeing DH Aunt and her two daughter's in 2006 and we felt it was the best decision for our family. Her daughter's said hurtful things to me and I didn't do that to them. I tried to reconcile and they were threatening. Who needs people like that.
I now think that in the eyes of God we should all get along. I think you can be nice but not have to see him. Maybe send a Father's Day card with a photo and apologize for not letting him know. If you want to have a relationship maybe be a step above him and put things behind you and start fresh. Try to rid yourself of the baggage of the hurt he's done. It's a hard call and one you'd have to make on your own. I just think you have to be the better half and not stoop to his level.
When DH Aunt died this past year I sent a sympathy card to her two daughter's and they were not going to acknowledge my sympathy. Hurt feeling all around but I did the right thing. I did get a thank you card but only because DH Mom told them it would be the right thing to do.
I hope things work out well.
Hi N.!
Do you really want someone like that involved in your child's life? What if sometime in the future your child does something differently than your F-I-L wants and he gives them (is your baby a boy or a girl?) the nasty/hurtful treatment? Do you really want to subject them to that? You can only do what you feel is right deep down inside, but in my opinion, until your F-I-L grows up I would steer clear. Hope this helps!
D.
My advise to you is to not make an effort to reach out to him. After the letter what does he really expect from you? If he contacts you then great. But even at that keep him at arms distance. Yes family is important. But it takes love and attentiveness on his part to truly earn the title of family. Keep in mind of the kind of example that is being set for your child. Best wishes T.
You owe him nothing. He has shown what kind of person he is and if you are the one who reaches out he will think he is right. Let him reach out and then tell him that you will allow him around the baby but with some guidelines. Let him know that he won't be able to be around the baby if he badmouths you or your husband. Let him know that he will never be alone with the child (any father who could accuse his own son falsly of molesting his sister has big problems and is very untrustworthy). Let him know that if he can't behave himself with the brother in law he will not be invited to birthday parties and family get togethers. If he squawks at any of this, you all would be much better off without him. Make sure you have a will made up with who you want to raise your child if something should happen to you. It probably won't but you don't want him fighting for cusody just in case.
My father and mother were divorced when I was little and my mother remarried. I never was really close to my father and only talked to him ocassionally, usually when he wanted to know how much he owed in tuition. Once my daughter was born I decided that I needed to let all of that go for her. I reached out to him and it has been really neat to be able to have him in my children't lives. I thought it would be a big piece missing for them.
On the other hand, I do have a friend who didn't get along with her mother that great. She tried to reach out to her and it only got worse. She eventually had to say enough was enough.
It would be nice to be able to reach out, but if you are finding that is more stress for you and your family then you need to cut him out. Family is important, but you need to put your immediate family first. I hope all goes well for you!
Talk to your husband and find out what you both want to do together. You are married and even though it's his family, you should present a united front. That way his dad won't be able to play you two against each other at any time for any reason.
His dad walked out on his responsibilities years ago, he has no leg to stand on when it comes to making demands of anyone, especially when it comes to family matters. He choose to relinquish those rights years ago, he cannot walk back in and expect to pick up where he left off and demand equal treatment. He has to earn it and so far, it sounds as if he has done nothing to earn it, in fact quite the opposite with that nasty, petty, childish letter.
Again, it is something that the two of you should sit down and discuss. Let your husband decide whether he wants his dad around or not as it is his father. Then decide from there, whether he does or not, how to handle anything that may come up so that the two of you act in accord together. For example: If you decide to let him be a part, pick a signal or word signal that it is time to go if he should become insulting or otherwise inappropriate, then get up and leave when it is used, no talking, just both pick up and go together. (This is what my x and I did with my dad and my brother ended up doing the same thing, a word and off you go. My dad did get the hint and has since settled down as he doesn't like being walked out on at family gatherings). If he decides not to let his dad be a part, then work out what should be told to his dad together, and what, if anything, to say should you run into him in the street. Good luck to ya hun!
Hi N.
I personally think that when he sent that letter to hurt your husband was his way of saying I no longer want a relationship.He had no right to say those things about you or your husband. Even if it was his way of getting your husband to talk to him. It was wrong and do you really want your child to be around someone that would treat people they are suppose to care about like that. I know that it is not easy to not talk to a parent but you must do what you know is right for your child. I will keep you in my thoughts. If you would like to talk more please send me a message. :)T.
Tell him to SCREW OFFF..he had to of known that the letter was hurtful and that someday you two would create a life for yourselves which includes children...he burned his bridge... it is time he rebuilt not you. Save your strength..concentrate on you, your husband, and your beautiful little baby. All he is going to do is put drama in your already hectic schedule.
Oh and Congrats on your new bundle of joy! H.
People who do/say hurtful, damaging things that are blatent lies do not deserve your time. You did the right thing by not telling him. It is on him for making the choices he has made in the past and until he can apologize and prove he has changed I wouldn't waste the time on him. Do you really want to have him around your baby? How does your husband feel about it?
The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself and your baby and to keep your relationship with your husband open and honest. Aside from that nothing else compares.
My biological father is a lazy, lying, selfish, hurtful manipulator who has let us down time after time. I finally had to decide to cut all ties to protect myself and my children. Yes, he feels terrible about it, but you have a baby to think about. Do you really want your child to be exposed to someone so cruel and immature? If he was so vocal about not bing invited to the wedding, and was willing to stoop so low as to accuse your husband of disgusting sexual behavior, what kind of an influence will he be?
Of course, your husband has be on board or it will put a damper on your relationship and you will forever be viewed as the one who broke the family apart.
I know this might sound simpler than it is, but here it goes. Forgive and forget, the past is just that the past, life is to short to hold grudges. You'll be better for it in the long run. It's hard to do, but just pray and have faith.
Wow, what a terrible situation. You don't say how your husband feels about letting his father be a part of your baby's life? You also did not say if your husband came to your defense when his father was bad-mouthing you -- I hope he did. He (your hubby's father) sounds like he is very immature and vindictive. I would not be comfortable associating with him at all. Also, how did you hear about him feeling bad about not being contacted after you had the baby? Are there other family members that are trying to make you two feel guilty about it all?
I have to say that no matter what, your husband should be in control of communicating your choices to his family. He needs to show them that he is united with you in your decisions. If you cannot handle him being around you, your husband should explain to his father why you do not want to associate with him.
Your husband's father seems unstable and I would not encourage a relationship with him but if you have to do it for the family's sake make sure you set ground rules for him and cut him off if he violates your trust.
Let us know what happens.
Let it go. You owe this man nothing. If he wants to reach out he can. In the meantime, if you are concerned about your child missing out on having a grandparent, your husband and his siblings did just fine without their father. Had they lived their lives with the father god gave them present in their lives, I bet they would not be better for it. That goes for your child also. If this man wants to seek you out and be a part of your child's life and his child's he should tread carefully. Guilt on your part seems really unnecessary! Relax, there are a million and one other things to worry about.
My advice would be to always be the "bigger" person and always be kind and treat him as you, yourself would want to be treated. He may not and, from the past history you described, probably wont, respond in kind. Just be prepared for this and try not to let it hurt you. Hard as it is to believe, his actions are not personal to you -- he is the one who has a problem. Realize that, feel sorry for him, and don't let him change who you are as that will just make you feel bad about yourself (if you respond in kind to his actions). Unfortunately, in falling in love with and marrying your husband, you have also taken on his "baggage", including his father. Don't worry about the past -- your actions or his, as there is nothing you can do to change that now -- just concentrate on being the best d.i.l. you can be going forward. Try to limit your interactions with him, although certainly include him when you have "big news" (like a birth, death, move, etc) -- don't shut him out entirely. It probably wont be easy, but you will be a better person and will feel good about yourself for trying.
Good luck.
Your FIL sounds very selfish and immature. Where is your husband in all this? Does HE want his father in his life or not? It's really up to him. He was the one your FIL left to raise his kids. As far as the baby, you could send them a birth notice or something, but I don't think it's necessary to call them or anything. The ball is really in your FIL's court. HE should be the one to make all the effort to his son & wife & new grandchild. Not the other way around. Let your husband make the call. It's HIS father. Good luck.
My personal opinion (and that is all it is) is that this man has no business being in your child's life at all.
Hi N. - I won't get on a soapbox here ... you obviously know there are some very tough family issues going on here that probably need professional intervention. The one piece of advice I will give you is that YOU should not be doing anything - one way or the other. Your HUSBAND should be the one dealing with his family. For instance, in the event of your wedding, it should have been your husband who conveyed to his family that it was his decision (since I'm sure he supported it) that only his brother be invited to the wedding. You should not be put in the position of being the rule maker when it comes to his family. Your husband needs to stand up to his side of the family, and you then should deal with any issues that come up in yours. This is a lesson my husband and I had to learn over the years (and professional guidence) since my mother-in-law is a challenge to deal with. We finally understood that it was my husband's responsibility to own any decisions we made in regard to his family, and I with mine. Good luck to you - I hope you make some good headway!
When you marry someone you marry into their family, which makes them your family as well.
Relationships are hard, all of them. While your FIL sounds like he has some issues, ignoring them or cutting him out of your CHILD'S life is not necessarily the answer. Too often we react in a way that makes us feel better and believe that's the best for our children, but extended family is extremely important in a child's life.
Everyone deserves a second chance, and the birth of your FIL's grandchild may be what turns him around and makes him realize there's more to life than just him.
Sending him a card and a photo is a good idea. I wouldn't get in the car and drive to see him, make him come to you and ensure that you're around for visits until you're comfortable that he isn't going to be hateful to your child. If you never get to that point, that's his choice - not yours - but you have at least given him the opportunity.
It's your child's grandfather, your child deserves the chance to know him - for good or bad. Sometimes the best way for a child to learn about how to treat other people is to see bad as well as good. We cannot appreciate the light without the dark, and shielding a child from problems/adversity their entire lives leads to children who are not emotionally or psychologically able to handle relationships or social interaction because they've never experienced anything but goodness.
In dealing with in laws for almost 30 years I've learned a few things. One important thing that I hold to is, if it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it's a duck no matter how you dress it up. Your father in law will not change his ways because he likes feeling that he can bully his family and since you're family, he's turned his tactics on you. The letter that he sent to you is just the start of things to come if you let him into your families life. A card at Father's day with a picture of you new baby should be enough. Just write on the back of the picture the child's name and age, nothing more. Better yet, they have grand parents day cards, send it to him then. You've done all that you can do for this person and please don't expect any more than that. Just remember that once a bully, always a bully, once a duck, always a duck and a leapord can't change it's spots (FIL has had a long time to polish up his act). If he does try again with the hurtful letters, just write him back and tell him that enough is enough and if he can't act his age and stop accusing things of people that are not true then you don't want to hear from him, end of discussion. We had to do this with my grand father and so for many years, we didn't hear anything from him until it dawned on him that he wanted to be apart of our lives. He came to all of our weddings and started to act like a grand father should act. However, I now have a brother in law who thinks that he's Gods gift to the family and wants to run all of our lives (he's a security specialist in the Air Force). His wife is no better. When called on something, he throws a grand maul temper tantrum and then accuses all of us of doing things that had stopped 10 years before (drinking, smoking, bankruptcy, etc). The last time we communicated with him, he had accused my husband of being a drunk and started to tell him that he doesn't talk to drunks. Because of the meds that my husband takes (has been on these for 10 years), he can't drink unless he wants to be sick for the next week. Brother in law is one who, when he's home, manages the officers club an the base and can't seem to stay out of the bottle after work. We've, like I said, haven't contacted him since. We don't need that stress in our lives (found out that all of the brothers and sisters feel the same way).
With all of the advice that you've gotten about this, just remember, it's your choice and also your husbands if you still want any kind of communication with your FIL
Your in-law family's dysfunction is not really up to you to settle. Your husband can reach across the isle for himself. Also, it sounds like your husband could use some therapy. Now that he has a child, he should seek help so as not to pass his family-of-origin's dysfunction onto his new family. You can also go to therapy to give you a place to present your fears, challenges and needs.
Therapy can do wonders in the absence of a network of friends to help.
It seems to me you may be building another family fued. Reaching out to him and not avoiding letting him know about things even if it is in a e-mail or quick phone call can mend fences sometimes. Just keep him informed and leave the ball in his court. Do not put the blame on one person. It takes two to quarrel and if one stops fighting it is hard for the other to continue. Good Luck
Most people who behave the way your father-in-law does do it because deep down inside they feel like a failure and are trying to make someone else look bad to take the attention off of them. I had to do this with my mother-in-law. You need to call a family meeting and tell you FIL how much he hurt you. Your husband needs to tell his Father as well. You also need to recognize that your FIL is hurting in this relationship. Tell your FIL that you know he would have the child's best interest in mind and therefore wouldn't want to do anything to hurt his grandchild and talking bad about the grandchild's parents would hurt the child since the parents are a part of the child. Most grandparents would jump to the child's defense. Then ask what should be done if that happens. By putting the ball in you FIL court it makes him accountable for his own actions. Make sure that you warn your FIL if he does a minor slip up but if it is major then remind him that he made the rules to protect the child. If it is not bad talking you, or dangerous, your child will realize sooner than later where their grandparents character is lacking but will love them anyway. Kids are smart that way. I also agree that you should apologize for not inviting him to the wedding, it sounds like you really hurt him and the letter 8 months later was backlash from that pain. You need to let the past be in the past, since neither you or you FIL can change it. Set it up to be a success in the future. You can not change the past but you can always change the future starting today.
I'm not so sure you owe him anything. If he is willing to say something so aweful about his own son is willing to do just about anything. If you father in law is wanting a relationship with his son, it is up to him to fix the problem. You do not need to tell him anything.
My husband and his father didn't speak to each other for years, but they eventually did come together and fixed the problem.
I think you should appoligize for not sending a card with the announcement. (You can do this by another card...)
However, you and your husband need to make the decisions that are BEST for YOUR family, not your FIL. Forgive him for his wrongs because holding a grudge will only hurt you. BUT you don't need to let him play a big part in your family anymore.
You are a MOM now. You must protect the children God gives you and your husband. The man is the leader of the family so you guys need to make a decision and your husband needs to stand by it and follow through to protect you and your children.
Let him know that allthough you would love him to be a part of your child's life his behavior in the past makes you very leary of letting him and explain to him the behavior your talking about. If he agrees to behave let him see his grandchild but tell him at his first mistake you will suspend those privilages. They are a privilage NOT a right.
Tell him to get some counseling, apologize, explain himself,be kind, and then you will let him see his grandchild. You don't need a child to be exposed to someone who would be hurtful.
Don't even waste your energy on telling him to screw off. Just cut off communication. He sounds like a real jerk, and not a very nice person in general. Do you really want that kind of person around your new baby and your marriage? I wouldn't! After all his behavior I don't think he deserves to be a part of your life until he can prove himself to be a decent father, FIL, grandpa and PERSON.
This man obviously is trouble. I personally would sever all ties with him. If he contacts you ignore it. He'll eventually go away if you don't even acknowledge his presence. Your child doesn't need to be raise with that type of negative drama around.
Check out the message "Life is too short to hold a grudge" with your husband. It is at www.eaglebrookchurch.com
Hi N.,
First, Take comfort in the fact that you're situation is not uniquie. It's been my experience that people like your father in law are deeply troubled and don't like themselves. So they take out all their frustrations on a person they feel a worthy target. Unfortunately, that's you and your husband. (Perhaps because you both have a concious and sincere desire to be a good people--bitter/angry people resent that) People like your father in law 'step it up' when they don't get a rise out of you. I imagine you've done what you can to get along with the man. And yes, it is very painful and traumatic.
(In my situation it's the ENTIRE family of 5 bothers and sisters and both father and mother in law.) I've learned that I can not let them or a desire for their approval bother me. It also helps that we moved 400 miles away, so exposure is much less : )
God wants us to live a peaceful life--one without conflict with others. Sometimes the only way for that is to distance yourself from those situations.
Hang in there, and pray a lot.
T.
I vote with the leave it alone ladies. Don't send or say anything, just ignore. It leaves the door open for future reconciliation, without inviting trouble into your life. The family member who reported to you should be watched carefully. It sounds like they just want to watch the fireworks, and don't have your best interest at heart!
