My fiance and I have only been together for about a year. We got engaged a month before I gave birth. We had no intention of marrying each other and fought every week while I was pregnant. Every week, he would say that we should not be together and I would spend hours trying to convince him that we have to make it work for our DD. My parents separated when I was young so I've always wanted to give my children a happy, healthy, stable home, which for a long time, I believed was with mom and dad still together.
Last month, while my family was visiting and staying with us, we got in a fight and he kicked me out, told me to ask my parents to help me move out since they were in town. He's asked me to leave numerous times before but this was the first time I said, ok. The next day, he said we should try to work it out before I actually leave (which was his way of saying he didn't want me to leave just yet). Since then, we've been taking it day by day and each day it's becoming clearer that we cannot spend the rest of our lives together.
Here are some of our areas of conflict: I am Christian and he is not (which means a lot of disagreements already). He didn't help me at all the first month after our DD was born. In fact, I found out he was talking to another woman at work. And after we fought about it, he still continued to talk to her. He is Mexican and I am Chinese and he is constantly making "jokes" about my culture. He won't let me work and he won't give me $ - we need to buy groceries together. He won't let me use my smartphone or my computer when he's at home. And he interrogates me about everyone I talk to and wants to know exactly what we talk about (as he has access to my phone logs). When we found out I had a cavity and had to get it fixed, he asked me to ask my dad for the $. That's only the surface of it all.
Many of our friends and family have said we shouldn't be together. But I'm not the giving-up type, especially when I believed so strongly that no one would love our DD more than myself and her father. I also believe that no one is perfect and I have my faults too but that God wants us to learn to love the unlovable. However, I'm starting to realize that all this fighting is not healthy for myself and for my DD. No matter how hard I try it isn't possible for us to open our mouths to each other and not fight. And it is very clear that we don't love each other. I'm starting to realize that it might be better if our DD potentially have 2 examples of a healthy relationship rather than 1 really unhealthy one.
Sorry for the long back story. I've pretty much made up my mind but I'm having a hard time taking the next steps. I don't have any $ and I don't have a job so I if I were to leave, I would have to go back to Hawaii where my whole family is. I've heard that because we are not married, I have sole custody of our DD. Does anyone know if this is true under CA law? If I go back to Hawaii, what would visitation look like for dad? I feel so bad that our DD would have to be apart from her dad and that he would miss out on a lot of her life but I need to really do what's best for me and her. Also, what would child support look like under CA law? I'm worried that if I leave, both her and I will no longer have health insurance and she's still so young. So much to consider I'm almost thinking I should just stay. My fiance always says that we should sacrifice our own happiness and be miserable together just so our DD could have both parents together. Help moms!!
I think the best advice is for you to call a local womens shelter for advice, legal advice and guidance. Good luck.
It's usually pretty hard to take a child from a hispanic man, they are very controlling in that arena. You better get some good legal advice. I know if it were me tho, I would pack up and go without his permission regardless of the consequences. He'll have a hard time doing anything while you are in Hawaii.... just sayin.
You have a lot of legal questions and to get these answered you need to talk to a lawyer.
NO WAY should you even consider staying with this man. You've already listed at least 50 reasons why. Do you really think that your DD will be happy with a mother who is constantly unhappy? with parents that are constantly fighting? Why do you say your fiance? If you have no plans of getting married, he's just a BF?
You need to talk to a lawyer. There are WAY too many questions for us to answer here without knowing all your circumstances.
I'm not sure you should sacrifice your own happiness and be miserable together so your daughter can have both parents together - but you might be able to co-parent - which would give her the best of both worlds.... She would have access to her parents but you would each be free to live your own lives that make you happy.
You won't be able to do that if you move to another state.
Is he on the birth certificate? If so, you have already proven paternity so he has some "automatic" rights as a father. If you just take the baby and fly to a non-contiguous state I fear that you will look hostile at best and worst he could say that you took the baby without his consent.
A lawyer will be able to walk you through what is in your best interest - especially concerning reolcation / child support / visitation / insurance etc.
One thing I will tell you from my experience is that is gets pretty costly to split airline tickets. I accepted a reduction in child support in order to move out of state (in most states you have to have the other parents CONSENT 60 days BEFORE you move). Then we split tickets + the unaccompanied minor fee. Usually to fly from Chicago to Oklahoma City with all fees etc we look at paying about $600 (which is $300 each). We do this 3 or 4 times each year. Which means I pay about $1500 per year just in travel costs for my 1/2.
It will be different for you because your daughter won't be able to fly as an unaccompanied minor until she is 5, which means either you will have to fly with her to CA or her dad will have to fly to Hawaii.
You might do better to try and stay in CA for a while and get a job there. But I completely understand wanting to be near your parents and family so they can act as a support system.
Good Luck.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer. If his name is on the birth certificate you have agreed he is the father. He has every right to file for custody (full, partial or visitation) - it is up to a judge to decide which is best for your daughter (note the judge does not decide what is best for you or your ex but what he/she believes is best for the child). I believe if you have joint custody, there is no child support - you are each paying the child's expenses when you have her. Until your custody issue is resolved, I would follow your lawyer's advise about moving out of state - could be viewed very poorly by the judge. I agree with most of the responders that you should not stay with this man just so DD can have two parents. She can have 2 parents who do not live with each other.
Your "fiance" is a jackass, I am sorry to say. You have listed so many "deal breakers" in your post that I cannot see any way that you guys should remain together. You are both living in Fantasyland if you think that you can somehow become one big happy family for the sake of your daughter. People in healthy relationships are together because they love one another and truly want to be together, because they believe what they have together is more than they have individually. Relationships are built on mutual trust and respect and it's those relationships that children should be able to grow up with as the "blueprint" for their lives - I see none of that in what you have written. Just the fact that you both happened to create another human being is not reason good enough to stay together. Your DD will be better off with her parents living happily apart than them living miserably with each other.
For heaven's sake, and for the sake of your child, do not stay with this man. Consult an attorney instead. Leave, and get help at a women's shelter if necessary, or ask your family for help. Being a Christian should not automatically equate with being a doormat.
Unfortunately, you do not automatically have full custody. Especially if his name is on the birth certificate, he has parental rights unless a court orders otherwise. You cannot leave the state with his daughter without his permission. That said, he also has an obligation to provide for her, including insurance.
Since you were not married, he does not have to pay spousal support, but he will have to pay child support, and since you don't work and he does, it will likely be a considerable amount. You will also likely qualify for assistance from the state such as welfare, Medi-cal and food stamps. You may also qualify for Section 8 housing, although I understand the waiting list is really long.
I would talk to a lawyer about what your options are. Most offer a free consultation, and may take your case with deferred payments.
I struggled with similar feelings of guilt before I left my ex, but it is true that it is better for the child to have 2 separate but happy parents than 2 that are always fighting. My ex and I actually get along much better now that the divorce is past us, and our son is doing great. The fear of the unknown was the hardest thing to get past. Once you do though, you will find it much easier than you thought. Investigate your options, make a plan, and then trust in God, and you will be OK.
i would go ahead and go back to hawaii, he can still keep her on his insurance but not you. then when you get to hawaii as soon as you get their file for custody and child support
Honey do you actually hear yourself...I mean literally look at what you've typed? "He won't let me work and he won't give me ... He won't let me use my smartphone..." You are a grown woman NO ONE can "let you" or "stop you" from doing anything. It sounds to me like your fiance is a control freak. It seems as though he has been threatening to leave for months just to keep you "in line" and the one time you said ok I'm gone he starts back peddling because that was not what he wanted in the 1st place. What he wants is to make you completely dependant on him and to make you obey his every command. If I were you I'd call your family for assistance in moving back home immediately. These things will only get worse once the marriage commitment has been made. I would not discuss it with him 1st, do NOT give him the heads up, that will allow him time to either talk you out of it or force you to stay. Talk to him once your family has arrived to take you back home. Is this the relationship role model you want to set for your daughter? I doubt it, you sound like a loving Mother trying to make the best of a really bad situation. Move home where your family will be there to help you raise your child in a loving supportive environment. Once you are home file for sole custody and child support if necessary. He will either lose interest and not make any attempt to visit his child (which I'm not so sure is a bad thing, if he is this controlling of you imagine how he will be with her) or he will work through the court for visitation. Good Luck and God Bless.
Sounds like you need to get an attorney...best way to be certain you are doing things in the right manner. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Stay strong sounds like you are trying to do the best for your DD.
Denise has a great idea for legal advise for your area.
Do not stay for the baby. What you want to do is model for your child how people should live, and people should not live like you are. He is basically holding you hostage by not allowing you money or access to communication devises when he's home. That is not cool.
It's possible you may not be able to move out of state without his permission because of the baby. There is such a thing as parental kidnapping and you dont want to be accused of it in any way or you could lose custody of your daughter.
My grandparents stayed together until my aunt graduated high school, and then broke up. They had a terribly unhappy marriage and my aunt has never been able to have a normal relationship. My mom got pregnant in high school and was not a very good role model either, and I'm sure both have roots in being raise by parents who obviously were only staying together for the children.
What's best for your daughter is a happy mother. Not one who is being controlled and constantly ridiculed.
Hi Alice,
Your story is heartbreaking. The way this controlling man treats you what makes you think he would be a good father in the long run? How would your daughter be treated in the future and what would your daughter think of you seeing you disrespected? "Sacrifice your own happiness and be miserable together"? That is the most F-up thinking I think I've ever heard. You've said that you don't love each other ... then take the next step and move back to Hawaii get yourself together and make a good life for you and your daughter. I agree with the other mothers here, you should ask for legal advice and please leave God out of this. If you must ask for God's help, ask him to help you move on and start a new wonderful life full of love and hope for you and your daughter. I think the future is looking brighter for you Alice. Take care.
Everything you said in your letter is a deal breaker. This is not a good guy and if he would miss his daughter then he can visit. There is a formula in California for Child Support based on his salary. I am sure that you can work something out for health insurance for your daughter but I'm guessing you will be on your own. However, the state will give you medicare (you have to apply) because you have a minor child and they will cover her as well. NEVER NEVER stay together for the sake of the child as it never works out and the child feels that also. It might be hard at first BUT you deserve to be treated better and so does your daughter. LEAVE!
