Set Me Straight Ladies!

Okay Lesley - you want be set straight?

How much do YOU invest in the relationship with L?!
How much do YOU listen to HER?

just because you've been friends since 6 or 7 doesn't give you ANY "hold" on her.... you have to INVEST in your relationships and not the be the one always TAKING from it. You state she's a busy-body - however, I can tell you that it tells me she is TRYING to take an active interest in your life - but you blow her off....if I was her, I'd seek friendship elsewhere.

You are frustrated because all of her attention is NOT focused on YOU and ONLY YOU....you can't claim her as a friend if all you do is suck and take from it - you need to give back...

What's wrong with her developing a relationship with your SIL?! It's obvious that your SIL GIVES BACK in the relationship so of course, L will be more inclined to seek a friendship where she is getting something in return.

MAYBE your BIL & SIL don't invite you to their home because you take too much from them as well...I know this sounds mean and I want you to know I am NOT trying to be mean. I know that I do NOT want to be friends with someone who doesn't "give" back - not material things but TIME, LAUGHTER and one-way phone calls.

It could be that YOU are being seen as the person that sucks the life out of the room - by wanting to be the center of attention or doing all of the talking and in doing so - people CHOOSE to look elsewhere for companionship and friendship....

Why not try treating your SIL and L the same way YOU want to be treated? Let them talk some in a conversation....do things with THEM on THEIR terms and THEIR turf....

Step outside your box. View yourself as others might see you...you might not like what you see but it's NEVER too late to change it.

GOOD LUCK!

This is what I would do.

I'd stop calling both L and SIL, if they call you... pick up only half of the time.

If your SIL wants to talk about concerns or issues, tell her to save it for L, you aren't interested.

You are never invited to your SIL & BIL's home... don't invite them to yours.

Stupid, toxic or unhelpful/ungrateful people shouldn't muck up your life... but if you let them, they will.

Here is a seemingly simple thing to do that might help you. You admit that your jealous some. And sometimes it is understandable and okay to be jealous as long as you don't let it ruin your life. So here it is.

Plan on a time every day, say 8:15 in the morning, (it can be anytime you want) set the timer for 10 minutes to sit down and be jealous as all _____, after the timer goes off, you can not be jealous until the next day. Do this every day. If you think you need more time, or less, that's okay. If you want to write in a journal about how jealous you are that's fine too.

It is really simple but it does work, and has worked for many people, besides me.

You can't control who others choose as friends...just like they can't control whom YOU choose as friends...so as hard as it may be you need to just let this go and move on with your life. First of all..realize that your SIL and L are happy with their friendship...it isn't hurting them at all that you are not happy...you are the only one suffering here. And since L has been your friend for so many years...why would you care that she has enriched her life by adding another friend to her circle?
I can understand why this is a bit troublesome to you...and I honestly question how good a friendship that you and L have had over the years....since you seem to have so many negative feelings about her in general.
It is good that you recognize that there are some jealousy issues working here...and I think that you know that you are over reacting just a bit or you would not have taken time to pose the question here in this forum.

I have basically given up on giving parenting advice! Unless someone specifically says to me "What do you think?" or "What worked for you?" It is just too frustrating to try to help and then having the other parent not even try a single one of your suggestions or even do teh OPPOSITE of what you said! And I’m not inexperienced; I have 3 healthy, smart, well-behaved children, and I used to be nanny for two years (although I'm not British so apparently not as trustworthy as Super Nanny), I have volunteered or worked in daycare, preschool, and an orphanage. I have changed literally thousands of diapers so I know which creams and diapers work well, I have potty trained, breastfed (just my babies!), dealt with teething, tantrums, and teaching children to tidy their rooms. But like you, I tend to hear "Oh, well my friend Sue who has a six month old says that she thinks 'blah, blah' so I'm going to do that." I think that the truth is that most people have already made up their minds as to what they will do; they are just looking for validation for their choice. What is always most frustrating to me is when a young mom will tell me why she just "can't" continue breastfeeding her baby. I could help her resolve the breastfeeding issue easily; but she really doesn't want my help, she just wants to justify herself. Or when a parent says "We've tried everything to get him to behave!" when all the "trying" you have witnessed involves yelling and spanking and they really aren't willing to try anything else. Sometimes all you can (or should) do is just to listen, nod, and bite your tongue!

thats hard. i see how you feel. next time your sister asks for advice maybe you should give her the cold answer of why should i tell you when L gives you all the answers. L seems to be trying to prove something. I have taken care of kids long before i had my daughter so i feel as is i know a lot. many parents are surprised when i can calm their baby when they cant. I would let L go for a while and just separate yourself from her and in the process distant yourself from your sister until SHE comes and asks you whats up. then you can lay it out for her.

We don't own our friends, family or children. Find another best friend. Lots of women who know you might like to be closer to you. Sisters in law can be wonderful or side lined in our lives. Those two women have really hit it off.
You are not important to her and neither is your husband.
Move on make your lives full and you won't bristle when she invites your old friend. Friend since 6 or 7 needs to be ignored for a while.
Get into a painting class or do something else you've wanted to do for a while.
Build on a potential career by learning Spanish if you don't already know it. Fill you life up and new friends will arrive. When Friend and sister in law find you are busy they may be more interested in you.

It's hard not to feel a little hurt when you feel excluded from your friends' activities. I know how that feels. As an adult, you know that it's silly, but you still feel it. Plus, there is family involved and that's always hard when you would like to be closer to your family and they are spending time with someone else. Try to set up things with your SIL one on one, to bond. Try your best to realize that their friendship isn't any reflection on the way they feel about you. Plan family events that are just for family so you have lots of time together without L around to make that relationship stronger.

I would be annoyed too. You just have to deal with the feelings, no way to get rid of them. Just go with the flow and eventually it will bug you less, but make sure that you do not go out of your way for them, you don't want to feel like a doormat for them.

I hear ya. i would work on making some new friends. It seems like L and your SIL just have a lot in common or are very similiar type people - so they gravitated towards each other. That is NOT a slight against you - but it is hard to watch someone pick another person over you - that's just human nature. :-)

It's hard for me to meet people too (I work at home) and I decided a few years ago to try to make one new friend every year. It's hard work (LOL) because it can take a while to really meet someone that you WANT to be friends with - but it's so worth it. Since I started making this effort I've made at least 5 new friends and they are all wonderful in their own way.

Good luck, don't feel too down, and get busy finding some like minded people to share your life...

well at least you recognize that you may be a bit jealous!! But I think you would be justified in just letting it slip away and just be friends when you see each other. I know it hurts when you are not the "chosen one" but sounds like she likes to go from friend to friend anyway. You don't have to STOP being friends with her, just be nice to her when you see her.

What if the three of you started to get together as three friends? It sounds like you're feeling left out a bit, and I know that it's hard feeling put off and pushed aside by new friendships that appear to be taking precedent over your own. But maybe if you all started to get together for play dates and even the three of you on Moms Nights Out you could bond better. It would help freshen up your relationship with your best friend as well as with your SIL.

"Wow, Mick'Ayleeah, it sounds like you and Liz had a great talk. I miss that. I have a great idea! Why don't we all go out this Friday while the guys watch the kids?"