Sexless Marriage

Is he waiting till the wedding? Maybe thats whats up. But I understand, I'm the one in my marriage always wanting sex. Not be crude but I have found other ways to keep myself occupied till my husband comes around to wanting sex. They all require batteries or some sort of power...Hope you get some soon hun!

I too have a problem with him sleeping on the couch. I've done that in a previous relationship. At that point I was done sexually with my partner. There was no desire what so ever to have a sexual relationship with him. I think you really need to address this issue with him. Also you all should seek professional help.

Another idea: is he taking any prescription drugs? For example, many anti-depressants have the side effect of a diminished libido.

Hi N.,
I'm new to Mamasource, and don't know how to tell if a discussion has been officially closed, so please ignore this if you've gotten enough responses.

I suggest you sit down with your husband when the baby is asleep and you're feeling calm, and tell him you want to talk for a few minutes. Then tell him ytour own version of this:

"Something seems off in our marriage, and for me [N.] it's showing up in 3 main ways: you're sleeping on the sofa, I'm confused and sad (and whatever else you feel) about not having sex; and we haven't been able to talk about why these things are happening, well enough to resolve them. I [N.] love you very much and want our marriage to continue in a healthy way. I want us to either talk about our marriage together every other night for an hour, or go to marriage counseling together."

You will probably have to do all the work at first if you guys decide to try to talk together, because that's usually hard, and you sound like you're the one who's motivated right now. If you'd like I can send you a communication handout that I use with my clients - it's a great help! Once you identify what's getting you two off track, finding books to use as a help in your discussions is wonderful.

If you decide on counseling, even if it's after trying to talk it out yourselves first, tell him right up front that you want to go together because marriage troubles are always the product of the emotional dynamics of the relationship (meaning neither partner is at fault, although we're always responsible for our own behavior), so you want to be sure the counselor is someone you both feel comfortable with - or at lest, can imagine trusting and feeling comfortable with, because most people are pretty uncomfortable the first few sessions.

I'm saying all these things because as a counselor who has worked with many couples over 14 years, it sounds like you're actually discussing symptoms which represent a problem that could get worse over time - the problem of not being able to talk about what's going on in your marriage, and in each of you as individuals - and that's probably the most common issue that leads people to counseling - no matter what they thought the issues was! :). When people come to counseling early, it's easier to predict a successful outcome.

I wish you well, and have every hope and prayer that your marriage will get back on a path that's fulfilling for both of you.
M. M.

Hey N.,

First of all, I found some of the responses to be very extreme. You have to take all of them with a grain of salt because your subject, I'm sure, has several contributing factors/ characteristics. I would just like to say that communication is really the most important thing (as several did say). You have to somehow get to the root of the problem, and you HAVE to be able to talk to your spouse openly. Once you do that, if you still can't understand what's going on, have your husband's bloodwork done. My husband went from a complete "horndog" to ME BEGGING for sex. Turns out, his testosterone level was extremely low, which typically happens GRADUALLY after a man turns 40. My husband just turned 40 last year, so his case was extreme. Nonetheless, he is now getting hormone replacement therapy, and after 3 treatments, he's getting back to his old self. What a relief! I do know, too, that he has been under tremendous stress over the past 6 months or so, and let's face it... who wants to have sex when you're stressed out (as good as it may be to relieve stress)? I know when I'm stressed about something, it's all I can focus on. But I know how you feel about not feeling wanted. I was really starting to think that maybe my husband WAS going somewhere else because I couldn't figure it all out, even though in my heart I knew he wasn't. And honestly, I'm not a sex crazed person, but I NEED to have sex with my husband to feel close with him. Life gets so busy that you just need to make that dedicated time for that intimacy. It's not really about the act of sex itself. And maybe explain that to your husband. This is why you really need to have a serious discussion with your husband. You don't want to start accusing him of something if he's just been stressed out or his hormone levels are out of whack.

Good luck. It will all work out as long as you both are willing to deal with the situation.
M.

Dear N.
My goodness, so many responses. I missed your request and hope I'm not too late, responding. I regret mamasource did not exist when I experienced similar problems in my marriage. I am divorced, now, and want you to act soon in case you can recover your marriage. I will try not to repeat too much of what others have said. Although, sex is natural between a man and a woman, especially two who love each other, there are couples who agree not to have sex or understand for physical reasons they can't. In your case,your marriage is not only unnatural because you are not having sex, but more importantly at this point, it is unnatural, because you don't understand why and are NOT talking about it. Please end the silence, because over time, it will affect your child and your peace of mind and your self image and self worth. I hear in your message that your self esteem is already affected. Always remember. You are not being selfish. Marriage is a partnership. I lived without sex for 16 years years. 16 years during the prime and most sexually desirable time of my life. I also learned that a marriage like that was indeed filled with a big lie, a painful void that prevented healthy interaction on so many levels. His self esteem eroded tremendously, also. There are many ways for a couple to explore their sexuality. Many natural, loving ways. I truly pray that you explore which of those ways work for you and your husband. For not to do so, destroys the joy in life. Today, I am on another path with a wonderful man whom I respect and love. It has made so much difference in my life.

Wow! As women, we are sold such a bill of goods about men wanting sex all the time. It just isn't true. However, as you many others have said, not having sex for a year plus is not okay and not much of a marriage. Also as many have said, his lack of sex drive may be a symptom of a larger problem -- depression, fear or shame around expressing himself, etc. My situation wasn't quite as bad as what you and some others describe, but it wasn't ok w/me either. My h and I were having sex about once a month almost every month (even before having a child). Now while that probably sounds like manna from heaven to some, it was not even close to enough for me. We had many conversations (that I initiated) about our sparse sex life. He always insisted that he loved me and found me very attractive. Well, I didn't feel particularly attractive. When I initiated, he did respond just fine, but I needed him to initiate, too. My ego just wasn't dealing very well. A few years ago, I realized that, when men flirted with me (ones I knew at work, etc., not random guys at a bar or something) I would flirt back -- and mean it. I started to pull away from my h emotionally. Then we were both withholding emotions, etc., from each other. I started to fear I would cheat on him, and I had always sworn to myself that I would leave someone before cheating on them, as I would never cheat if I were in a healthy relationship. Now, I'm not giving this as advice but rather as something that I did and that seems to have worked, but I flat out told him that I could not continue in our relationship the way it was, that I was starting to notice other men's attention a lot more and that I was afraid I would cheat on him at some point if the opportunity presented itself when I was feeling weak. I told him that I could not stay in a relationship where I really wasn't sure I could keep myself from cheating, and that he had two choices: couples couseling or divorce. Before giving him this ultimatum (and I never give him ultimatums), I understood completely that divorce might be his response. I hoped it wouldn't be, but I knew that I could not handle the distance in our relationship any longer and that divorce was inevitable if things didn't change. Thankfully he agreed immediately to counseling. Through the counseling process, we have both learned so much about what was happening inside of him. He was so out of touch with his emotions (not all that unusual for a man) that he really did not know what his issues were. Most importantly, his issues really were not with me, though he was transfering them on to me. He did want more sex, he did (and, I hope, does!) find me attractive, he loves me, etc. What I learned is that a) it wasn't all about me or even all about our sex life; b) my reactions (given that I was feeling hurt) were feeding into his issues; c) now that I understand what is really happening with him I can connect with him more effectively (even though, yes, he is ultimately responsible for dealing with his own ____@____.com and is doing so); and d) my husband cares enough about our relationship to do the tough work. I am sooooo glad we went to counseling. We are communicating more effectively and, not surprisingly, our sex life has improved. It's not where it needs to be yet, but we are having sex more often, and I have no complaints about the actual sex (never did). Also, I just want to address all the comments about husbands seeing us give birth and then not wanting to have sex. Some of the women I know w/ the best sex lives had husbands who watched the whole darn process. Best to N. and to all of us, as this issue is clearly one many of us confront.

N., I've read your inquiry and all of the responses. Then I went back and read your message agian. The problem seems completely different the second time around. Basically you haven't had sex since you got pregnant. You are married now but your husband sleeps on the couch. There are other things that you didn't mention like do you both work the same schedule? Does the baby sleep with you?

My husband and I started out like this even though he wanted to have sex occasionally but not nearly as often as he did before we moved in together. I tried to talk to him about it and he always said he didn't know the reason. Eventually he started saying it was my problem. I was making it all about "Me". We went to counseling. He denied any problems. He told the counselor, there was no problem, he loved his wife, loved his job, loved his son. I cried daily for nearly two years. I couldn't believe I had married this man and then had a son and now he wouldn't sleep with me. Now I was trapped because I had been divorced before and wasn't about to do it again. Eventually I shut myself down so I wouldn't feel the pain. Unfortunatley I wanted a second child so I had to have sex again. That was tricky. After I got pregnant with the second one, we basically stopped having sex. Its been about 8 years now. He still tries to initiate it but only when he's been drinking. He still won't discuss it so thats where I have put my foot down. I know I'm being stubborn but having occasional drinking sex isn't my idea of a healthy relationship.

What I have learned: You have to leave the person completely alone about sex for an extended period before they finally come around. Don't harrass him at all. Keep your body covered. Find other ways to satisfy yourself and you will be amazed how much it calms you down. Eating an unhealthy diet or using tobacco will eliminate a healthy sex drive. Unfortunatley, if your husband doesn't want to work on it, you can't get him to make lifestyle changes. I've read many accounts that people have written about eating only raw foods and how their perception of their spouses changed. After a few months on a raw food diet, their normal disgust with their partner melted away and the desire for sex came back as if it had never left. I think all the hormones in our animal products, especially milk and hamburger affect our sex hormones. Also, there is strong evidence that plastics produce zenoestrogens that again, affect our sex hormones. And finally, a diet high in omega 6 fatty acids (grains and oils from grains) will cause these same problems. So... diet could be at the root of it but "not wanting to want" can be very disturbing. My advice to you is give yourself a time frame- a start and a finish date. Make a decision about what you will do if the problem doesn't change or at least start heading in a more positive direction. Leave him completely alone with not one comment about sex. Become your own person and take care of that need by yourself for a while. At the end of time frame, evaluate the situation that you have just experienced. (maybe it is a year) Then act upon whatever your decision was. It may be a divorce. That is what I would have done if I had known in advance that I was to have a sexless marriage. In my case I replaced sex with two great kids. Its just like a drug or alcohol problem though- the other person has got to "want" to change the situation.

Sorry for the lengthy message. Hope it helps.

There are so many great books out there. Two that my Husband and and I have found to be so helpfull have been "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and "Love and Respect" With the principles in thees books you will have the information you need to have the best marriage. It's only a matter of applying it.

I am 36 years old and have been married for 21 years. My husband and I have a strong marriage but we still hit some bumps. We are the parents of 7 Beautiful children. If it wern't for good books like theese we may or may not still be together. I do know this though, reading one or two books a month and surrounding yourself with people who have the relationship that you desire, will help you get what you want! Good luck!

-P. H.

N.,

I have to say that I wish I had your desire for sex, but that's another issue.

The only things I can say is that as being the one in my marriage who never wants to have sex (although I want to want to) I get completly stressed out about my husband wanting it to the point that when he hugs me I sometimes pull away because I think he is only doing it because he wants sex. I know for myself that when he doesn't bother me about it I am more inclined to initiate it myself.

You mentioned that he wants to go away for a night. Maybe he sees sex as being something really special and not occassional. I guess I would plan a weekend away. Maybe the time alone will give you some time to relax and talk things over in a comfortable setting.

Good Luck.

Hi N., lots going on in your lives, new baby, work, just got married. I think he gave you an hint in asking to go away for a little one on one. I know I can get consumed in the house with my 3 kids and house stuff. I say you go for the get away asap to hopefully jump start your sex life. Maybe during your outing he can feel open to how best you can respond to his needs. My thought is hubbies are super sensitive and although they know we love them they at times they feel pushed by the wayside when kiddies are in the picture. I wish you guys the best. I agree with others in maybe some counseling if he is up to it if not (however, many men are not like mine-another topic right?), maybe you can read up on some books? Have you tried Red Hot Monogomy? Wish you the best. Hang in there!

N. thank you for having the courage to post this. I am in the same situation and have another girlfriend who is as well. Just last night for the first time in a long time I tried to initiate it and while he cuddled a bit that is all the further it went. I think it is especially difficult when you read the complaints of so many women who wish their husbands wouldn't ask them for sex so often - that is what we're led to believe all men are like.

I think having a child adds a great deal of stress and exhaustion to your life which certainly contributes to the lack of desire to have sex but clearly many couples with children still manage to have sex.

I too feel like we're roommates and that is not what I had in mind for marriage. I think sex adds a level of intimacy that nothing else does not to mention the release it gives you. I look forward to reading others posts because I'd love some ideas on how to tackle this.

Sex is not only a marital privelege, it is a marital duty. You have a right to have your sexual needs met just as you have the right to eat sleep and seek fulfilment of all of your potential. Draw up a contract or a wish list, each of you can sign it. If he refuses to get serious and now, at least you can stop keeping it a secret. Talk to your mom, his mom, his sisters, his brothers, your brothers and sisters. Something will definitely change.

N.,
I see the sex issue has been addressed alot, but not too many people mentioned the fact that he is sleeping on the couch. It sounds like he has completely withdrawn from the intimacy in your relationship. The lack of sex could be explained by a low sex drive, but not this. Also, even that you have told him you want him to sleep in the bed with you, and he still chooses not to, it seems that he is exhibiting some passive aggressive behavior. You guys definitely need to talk, whether that is with a therapist or not, and you need to be away from your son where you can give him 100% of your attention. Try not to make it just about the sex. Although that may be a primary concern to you, what really needs to come out of that discussion is a better understanding of why he has withdrawn from your relationship. Good luck.

My only advice would be to take advantage of the night away. Maybe just getting back in the groove and seeing that it's the same as it always was will be helpful for him.
My husband watched the whole thing with our first delivery and didn't have any problems later so I honestly don't think that a man watching a delivery would wreck his sex drive as a previous post said. Not that your husband watched because I saw you wrote that he didn't. Does you son sleep with you? If so you should try to get him in his own bed. It's better for everyone. I know it's hard to think about being intimate when you have a baby in bed with you.
I do find a problem with his sleeping on the couch though. That seems like someone that's depressed to me.
Have him go and get a physical and talk to his Dr. about it. Sometimes it's something as simple as blood pressure or things like that that can wreck your sex drive.
Best Wishes,
J.

Ok hi N.,
I see you have gotten a lot of people that have responded..which is good!! Stop fooling yourself and making excuses. I am sorry to get right to the point but I feel like you want something to fix this but arent ready to fix it. It is him not you for sure!!! It is one of 3 things, 1. hes gay 2. something mental 3. hes cheating Again sorry to be so blunt. You both need conceling now not if it continues and if he wants your marraige to work he will go. 3 mths is too long to go without having sex....but 2 yrs or 1 yr is unheard of...you are just room mates. I gotta give ou props for being so strong about this. I dont know how you have gone this long without doing something about it. MEN LOVE SEX!!! so yes something is terribly wrong here. Good luck!!! Hope everything works out....get on the phone with a conselor today and make an appt.
sorry for any spelling mistakes..no coffee yet!!

I heard a woman call into a radio station about this same problem a few weeks ago And everyone that called in to help said that their husband or they themselves had 'low testosterone' They went to the Dr's and got checked out and were put on medication and they all said that was the cause Even some of the woman who called in said the same thing for them if it was not their husband They had low hormone levels So my advice to you would be for you to ask your husband if he would be willing to go to the Dr He shouldn't be embarrassed this is more common than you think Here is a website article about it so you can read about it for yourself or show it to your husband www.menshealthnetwork.org/timeout/lowtestosterone.htm
I hope everything works out for you!

As said before it's late in the game, but I hope my 2 cents helps. My husband is in the military, and we had somewhat of the same issue. Right now he is currently deployed, but since he has left he has worked out a LOT of issues, and has more interest in me sexually, even though we are thousands of miles apart, than he has had for the past two years. His problem is/was (still working out some kinks) this, he was suppressing himself emotionally, sexually, due to anxiety, stress and PTSD. He's been seriously stressed out, and the fact that they didn't treat him for PTSD didn't help. Does he seem down in the dumps? Not like the same man you first met? Acting strangely compared to the way he used to act? Set him down and talk to him, get any feelings out in the open, and take that night out. Sometimes getting away from the baby, all the baby toys and things around will help a LOT (not that it should prevent him from having sex, but it might give him a kick start ). Good luck!!

Why not go away? At least it could start something up again and then you can try to continue it once you get back home. Hire a babysitter and plan short weekend getaways - just rent a hotel room downtown or a cabin in the mtns, once every month or two for a while, just trying to get back some of the individual time back you guys once had. The fact that he said for you guys to get away makes me feel like his problem is that he's feeling too 2nd place (which is only expected once a baby comes). He needs to be 1st place and can't be that when you're at home with the baby. I do know what you're saying in not wanting to have to leave town just so you can have a normal sexual relationship with your husband, but it's a starting point. Also, try going out onto the couch when you're feeling hot and ask if he will hold you while you play with yourself, that you miss him. Don't ask or expect him to join in, just be happy with having him there for it. Maybe someday he'll jump in? At least it's a step in the right direction.

I thought I was the only one! I'm sorry that other woman are going through this too, but it helps a little to know that it may not be my fault. I have two boys and the same thing happened after each one. We didn't have sex very often to begin with either, it's always been a source of tension with us. I tried talking to him about it and he just says he doesn't know the reason, he finds me attractive, but just doesn't feel that desire. I like the suggestion from one woman about getting his testosterone level checked. I had only thought of the little blue pill. He isn't crazy about talking to his doctor about it though. He feels really embarrassed. I contribute it do depression mostly. We always seem to have money problems, he doesn't have a good job that he'd like, and we fought alot after our first son was born. He is a great father and I wish I could do something for him. As much as I want to be patient and help him through this, it is very frustrating while I wait.

So, maybe take a look at the big picture, at other things not related to the bedroom. Is he happy with his life in general? He needs to tell you why he is sleeping on the couch. He may feel too much pressure to perform, so maybe let him know that you can still sleep together and not 'sleep together'. Start with communication and the sex will come. Let him know that your relationship won't work if you can be honest with each other.

I'll let you know this - the first time we had sex after the dry spells... he initiated it, totally by surprise, and very passionately. So there is still hope!! Good luck!!!

Hi N.~
Im glad to see that I'm not alone on this issue. I too am married, working part time and have a beautiful 18 month old son. My husband and I are just starting to have sex again. We have known each other for 3.5 years, been married for almost 2. Too make a long story short, after he found out i was pregnant he changed on me & started sleeping on the sofa. We had sex twice while i was pregnant and twice during the first year following me giving birth. I didn't gain a lot of weight during my pregnancy and i lost the bulk of it in 2.5weeks. I became severely depressed and I felt unloved and unwanted. We recently separated for about 4mos and now I'm back after he literally begged and pleaded every single day. The only problem now is that i dont feel for him the way I used to. He is now wanting to have sex and i feel no excitement what so ever. CRAZY...i know. He's a great father, which makes it hard for me bc i am contemplating leaving him for good...
GOOD LUCK 2 U!!!

Hi,

Its simple, if its not porn/ strippers then you need to get information about his parents ... specificly his mom. Are his parents very religious or hold sex to be extremely taboo? Does he hold his mother in extremely high regard?

Morning erections mean that he doesn't have a medical issue AND that a dream did arouse him during the course of the night.

A woman needs to play different roles for a man like ... mom, wife, girfriend, friend, mistress, hooker, and companion. Too much of anyone role will have adverse effects on the others.

In short, psycologists need to be brought into the picture.

I too am glad to hear we are not alone. We have been married 17 years. My hubby got a vesectomy a year ago and retired out of the Navy. He says he is just not interested any more. Hormones... We too have had a sexless marriage for the last two years. Before that it was blotchy because of schedules.

My prayers for all! God be with you on this life journey and may He provide you light onto your path.

N.,

I just read your post about the sexless marriage. I do have a suggestion. I have had that same situation with my husband; however I have been married quite a bit longer.

That shouldn't make a difference though. I do have a wonderful friend who is a DR. and the first thing he told me is to get his testosterone checked. It is a very simple test and if it is low they will not desire sex! It could just be a simple test that can change your life. I also know of a very good protein shake that will help to raise the testosterone levels. Please let me know if I can help.

K. ____@____.com

DO NOT think for one minute that this has anything to do with you!! There are a number of reasons that men are not interested in sex and they are usually physiologic...not partner oriented. I used to work for a urologist and couples came in complaining of this all the time. Sometimes his testosterone levels are too low. This is something that just happens for no apparent reason and needs to be handled medically. There are injections, patches, pills, etc. that he can take to increase his testosterone and thus increasing his libido. All that I am saying is that he probably needs to see a doctor and get some blood work done to rule out low testosterone.
Like one other poster said...keep yourself "occupied" until things are worked out. No reason to be unhappy!
Good luck to you and you guy and don't give up hope!!

N., Sex is very psychological!! Many men lose interest b/c something is going on in their lives, they are stressed etc....He may be grappeling with the fact he has a massive responsibility as a provider, father, husband. The may be manifesting as a physical inability and causing him embarassment and more stress therefor compounding the problem. It could be low testosterone. Google male menopause (not sure how old your husband is) you may be surprised at what you read. I think many marriages go through dry spells, for many reasons. As long as you are open and tell him you are there for him, there is no pressure. Make sure you let him know that whatever the problem, he should not be embarrassed but you are there to help him through it. Eventually you will need to take a stand and let him know that you cannot live a sexless existance.... Try not to pressure him, if he WANTS to get away, GO FOR IT. I do agree with the other women. Find "other" ways to pleasure yourself. You will be surprised at how much better you feel. Two years is a long time. You are not the only person having these issues. Not ALL men want sex constantly. That doesn't mean something is "wrong" with them but you should find a healthy balance for both of you. Good luck!!

I unfortunately am in the same boat, just can't seem to get thru to him, he even has the little pill to help. I think it is all him because, I too have initiated and to no avail. I am just griping right now so sorry. I asked him to go to counseling months ago. It is still not being addressed by him.
I am very sexual, always felt I was. SO I can totally relate. I am glad you wrote. I am responding before I read the responses so I am sure you got some great words of wisdom. I love my husband and would never leave him because we aren't having sex. I just wanted you to know that you weren't alone and to hang in there.
Maybe going away for a night may kick start something.
God Bless you and your family
Happy New Year.
J.

I have a 4.5 year old and a 6 month old. For almost the entire time after our first child was born we only had sex a couple times a year. It was the big white elephant in to room for me as I just didn't feel like having sex, and I know it hurt his feelings. After the 2nd child, I agreed upon his request that we needed to put the effort in to rejuvenating our sex lives. We were doing pretty good, have sex about 2 times per week. With the New Year, I suggested that we have sex every single day! He was suprised at my request, but didn't hesitate.It was music to his ears. I doubt we'll be able to keep it up forever (ha ha pardon the pun), but we are doing good so far. Long term, I imagine that we'll settle into a regular 3 -4 times a week, and we are both happier and hornier that never.
Have you tried couples therapy? If he won't go, go on your own. He will go eventually if he is committed to the relationship. You hopefully you can get to the bottom of his hesitation. Good luck.

Hi N. - I'm a Marriage & Family Therapist and wondering about your sex life before the baby. Was it different for you two before? Was there a time that you had what you'd consider a healthy and fulfilling sex life? If you do seek out counseling, this is always a great place to start. If it's always been an issue then there are a myriad of other possible underlying concerns aside from the "time" factor that might be more an individual problem with your husband (that's obviously become a couples problem for the two of you). Try not to freak yourself out with the possibilities like internet or porn addiction, homosexuality and the like. It could be NONE of those! If you do end up seeking counseling, I can offer a few referral ideas. Let me know. Hang in there!

Hi Have been with my Husband for 2 years and we got married in June 2007. We also got pregant 10 days later. And we are also having issues with sex. He says it is because I do not get him started. But I understand how you feel because I at this point keep wondering when it will get back to normal.
Good luck and I hope that he realizes how much, you need to feel wanted. Best wishes to you and your family.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I mean getting right to the point...not asking him if he's still attracted to you but asking him, why do you not want to have sex anymore? Tell him you feel like roommates and that you are afraid your marriage is in jeopardy. He may not know you are so upset by this especially if you tiptoe around the subject. (I'm not saying you are doing that by the way) Honesty may just be the best way to get what you want. He HAS to stop sleeping on the couch. Why does he do that? Is your son in the bed with you. If so your son has to sleep in his own room. Maybe try finding different ways to get him in the mood...toys, videos etc. Then maybe after you initiate a number of times in this new inventive way, he will catch up. Good luck...I can just imagine how frustrating this must be for you. If nothing else works you should suggest marriage therapy.

What a tough situation. I have experienced the same thing both personally and professionally. Lots of moms had great advice and they were very empathetic. Whatever is the reason, it needs to be dragged out into the open and dealt with, or the relationship most likely will not last. If you're in a position to say I don't care if we ever have sex again as long as we're together, than mean it and don't bring it up. Maybe he'll come around on his own. If not, get it dealt with! It will tear you apart. Hope this wasn't too harsh.

sorry I also didn't see your original post. I'm going to be very honest. First, please know that I hope things work out and you deserve to be happy. I'm rooting for you!
Ok, my friend has this same problem. Her husband is a cop. They have three kids. Two are only 12 mos. apart. Those two conceptions were the only times they has sex those two years. It's always been a battle. She would say that she'd walk by nude and he'd tell her she was blocking the TV. Long story short: They are still together and much happier BUT she found out that he was using porn on the internet and chatting to girl online while SHE WAS AT CHURCH! He got busted two times...a couple of years apart. This last time, she threatened to leave and they have now done all the things that people have suggested, date nights, etc. I always used to say that he was depressed or what not and try to make her feel better. But, my initial suspicions were as someone else mentioned that he is either gay or getting it somewhere else, because men just have that drive. But, even with my own husband, I notice certain ages come with differing sex drives. There are lulls sometimes. But never more than month. I could go on and on. My only point is this: Don't marry someone you are already unhappy with. Marriage isn't a "solution" to anything. I wish you the very best.

P.S. I will add that my friend's husband did admit (after being busted the second time) that he wasn't attracted to someone's mom. He was sick of sharing her or begging for attention. Even though she hadn't done anything wrong, he just felt turned off.

Okay this may not be the best advice but I have been married for a LONG time fixing to be 17 years. And in this 17 years I have two children one 2 years old and one 10 years old so it was like two seperate marriages if that makes sense. I know my husband watched my first child being born and I mean the whole thing and he thought that was the best thing he had ever seen in his whole life. The second time around he was scared to death. Don't know what that was about guess because the little guy came out so fast...LOL!

Before you are married with kids...it is just you and your mate. You spend all your time with you mate...doing everything for him...well hello then comes a child and all you time is spent on your child...I think it is sometimes jealousy. I don't know if that is your situation but it could be a really good possibility. I would not just out and out ask him if is jealousy I would just try to focus some attention on him (without focusing on the sex part) and see if he comes around. Give him a pat on the buttox and kiss on the cheek and see if it helps out.

I feel your pain. My son is 4 years old and my husband and I have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. If you find something that works please let me know. Hang in there you are not alone.

I am sorry I don't have any great advice, I just want you to know I am praying for you and your family.

Hi, my boyfriend and I have a similar problem. We stopped having sex because our pastor said we were missing blessings because of it, not being married that is. However, we, being older individuals have indulged here and there anyway. He has always had high blood pressure and didn't take his medication seriously. I insisted he take his meds as this was a life threatening issue. By taking his medication on a regular basis he became less interested in sex or even being intimate. When he comes to visit me (he lives out of town) he sleeps in the guest bedroom. He says he wants to live righteously and receive goodness from God. He eventually told me he cannot function since taking those pills and was embrassed that he could not perform like he use to. We plan to get married in the future and I sometimes wonder just how much do I love this man because he tries to perform and can't. I enjoy sex myself after not having it for a long while before meeting my boyfriend. Have your man check to see if his pressure is normal and consult a doctor for the right medication if this continues.

I know my husband started acting weird when he found out I was pregnant even though we planned it. Sometimes men feel enormous pressure to provide for a family, and maybe he feels like his life as a frisky young man are over. What is his parents relationship like ? Do they openly show affection for each other? Also if he isn't willing to go to counseling you may need to examine why and if it's worth living like that. I know I couldn't and my husband knows too.

Run, don't walk, to a counselor. If he doesn't want to go, go without him. What's happening is not normal.

How often did you have sex before the baby? If it was not very often, maybe he has a low sex drive. That can be caused by a lot of things, many of them physical. Would he be willing to go to a Dr. and have his testosterone level checked? Good hormone levels are just as important for guys as they are for us.

Yes, there are men who have a problem having sex with their partner after she has a child. But it's very rare and he would have to go for counseling to address the issue if he wants to get over it.

Don't discount the idea of going away for a weekend. Maybe that will be all it takes to jump-start his engine. Away from the baby, away from the stress, away from seeing you as a mother and being able to look at you as his lover with no other demands on the relationship might get things moving again. It's certainly worth a try. Could be he just needs to feel like he's the number one priority in your life, if only for a weekend.

Then there are other things you could try. Have you ever asked him what his sexual fantasies are? Maybe there is something the two of you can act out (so long as it isn't too kinky and doesn't include adding additional people.....).

Good luck.

I think if you've been honest with him about your feelings then he needs to be honest about his. Don't take small excuses as an answer to why he doesn't feel attracted to you. There has to be a much bigger reason. I believe all men have a sexual desire and that doesn't mean they are "doing" everything in their path, it just means they have desires just like women, but a little stronger. If he isn't revealing his desire after all this time, then there's really only a few reasons for it....He's afraid of something(another pregnancy), He's having an afair, or he's hiding his true sexuality. Believe me I've heard many stories like this and not just on OPRAH. If you really want to know then ask those questions and pay close attention to the WAY he answers them, NOT just the answer. Think about the last three years you've been together and really look deep into what's going on with him. There's nothing worst than living in denial!

i didn't think you needed any response here, after seeing you got 73. but, i just read one of them and have to correct: one common reason for lack of libido is prostate problem. suggest checking it. even with that, though, i am surprised he's sleeping on the couch. ask him why! communicate with him, not us. maybe he is trying to get some sleep to keep going for work, and you a re up and down all night with the baby. this is pragmatic, but at times, to keep himself safe and rested for work and safety, my husband has worried about the same issues, but he never left for the couch. he was there helping me with the baby and still next to me, complaining...and if you had him watch the birth it doesn't hit all men romantically...
in sex therapy, the first step is not to be aroused and excited about quality, it's to make an appointment together and do it, period, however. you work up from there. make an appointment - saturday night, whatever, with pizza delivery. or take him at his word and make an overnight room reservation with the baby at a sitter or grandma. pricey, but get it going. don't complain about the quality when you get it, either.
I had an ex-fiance who loved me, and i loved him, but he didn't even desire to kiss me. it was a prostate problem. just disinterest. sex every couple of months. another reason can be depression. i hope he's ok.
another reason can actually be problem related to diabetis or other diseases. also, he may have slept with someone while you were pregnant, not too rare, and may be afraid to give you STD. the other reasons given from other thoughtful supporters of you are also valid possibilities.

It never occured to me that my husband and I went with out sex for about a year as well after we had our first baby. It would bother me too if the sexual relationship changed but we were both so busy with our daughter and I too work full time, that I never stopped to think about it. One afternoon, we were having lunch with some good friends of ours, newlywedds at the time, who asked us all kinds of questions about child bearing and child birth and this is the moment he confessed that seeing the birth of our daughter changed the way he thought of me. It really affected him and he just couldn't look at me sexually. Things are fine now, but I would've never guessed that in a million years. I loved that he shared that with us. He was actually giving advice to the newly wedded husband that "it isn't a good idea to watch the baby come out". Maybe it had the same affect on your husband. Could be worth asking. I hope this was helpful. Also, a sex therapist couldn't hurt! Best to you!

did he by any chance watch the baby being born.. actually coming out of your vagina? some men freak out on how big we stretch. just trying to help ya figure it out

Wow that is sad. I dated a man for 3 months who on occasion held my hand and put his arm around me....I realized the lack of affection he showed me was not enough and called it off. I wonder if there is some incomplete communication you have with each other........some way you may of offended him or vice versa that he is unwilling to talk about and has closed him down. I was married for 20 years and ended the marriage for same reasons....when you extend yourself in the ways we do as mom and employee....you need to recharge your batteries with sweet moments of romance. He might be feeling some upset in his work or somewhere that is keeping him closed off as well.
M.

N., I hope it all works well for you. I would definitely try the "going away" plan. Unfortunately, it did not work for us. He moved upstairs shortly after our child was born and has been there ever since (our child will soon turn 4 years old). I begged, pleaded with him, cried, and he would never talk to me about it. I was raging with hormones when I was pregnant and he would refuse me every time, then and for those 3 years. I've since trying at about that time. I no longer have the desire to even try for sex, communication, anything. We went away to a beautiful B&B for our anniversary when our child was over a year old. We had a wonderful time, great place, great food, great wine, but when we got back to the room, he rolled over and went to sleep. I cried myself to sleep right there next to him - very awkward. I now contemplate leaving, which is very hard because of our very happy child who loves her mommy & daddy, the finances, etc. But I'm miserable, very lonely and depressed, and I have to do something. I would definitely get counseling, go have your get-away and do something before it's too late. At 4 years, it's too late for us.

HI N.,
What an interesting topic, because it affects so many of us!
I have had a marriage for the last 7 years with little sex, and no babies that could be used for excuses...
I am very sexual, and enjoy everything about the intimacy, fun, etc. When it became less and less, I became lonely, then became angry! I wanted the attention, and relationship with my husband. I complained , but nothing changed. Now, its been 4 months since I have moved out.
When I had my 2 children with my first husband, we were very young, but had sex always before, after, etc. Maybe its age? it certainly isnt you! you deserve a fulfilling loving, intimate relationship. I pray that your family can stay together.. and your needs will be met. Thanks for giving us a chance to see what other women have experienced.

I think that it's normal to have less sex after baby but I don't think it's normal to have nothing for a year. And the fact that he's sleeping on the couch is an indication something is going on. Is he having physical problems possibly and afraid to tell you, embarrassed maybe? I would sit down and talk to him and ask him to speak with his doctor about how he's feeling. Maybe if he can talk to his doctor he will find a solution.

I also agree with the mom who says that you should back off a bit. Whether it's physical or mental, you are not going to help by pushing things. I know the harder my husband tried the more I pulled away. Maybe it would be good to go away and let him intitiate the sex. Even if you don't get what you want maybe he will open up and talk to you about what's going on.

I hope things work out for you.

I didn't see your original post, it strikes my heart. My h didn't want sex. We had 3 wonderful children then the time between sex grew and grew. A lot of things got worse not just sex. I thought all the problems were my fault. A friend made me realize when 2 people are involved it can't be just one person's fault. He wouldn't admit any fault. Things got worse. I finally, with the help of counceling and Alanon I got my self esteem up and some confidence. I told him if things didn't change in 6 months something Major would change in 6 months. He still never admitted any fault. At the beginning of the divorce a friend asked me if my h had any sex abuse, like maybe it was HIS fault. Then some stuff came out that I didn't want to know about. I put my hands over my ears and screamed so I couldn't hear all of it. Then he got custody of the kidos and I had to live with that for the next 10 years hoping and praying he wouldn't turn his wierd sex attitudes on them. I still wonder sometimes, they're grown now and say that nothing sexually abusive has happened to them in their lives.

WOW! This isn't good. You need to maybe try counseling. There could be a myriad of underlying issues. Who knows? Men are hard to read. But I can tell you this, I have been married to my hubby for almost 10 years, I'm overweight (but working on it) and he can't keep his hands off me. So I can only imagine what you are going through.

I seriously think sex is just the symptom, not the problem, I would look into marriage counseling, because otherwise, you will never be happy, I'm afraid.

You deserve better. You deserve a complete marriage, and so does your hubby, fight for it!

N. let me start off by saying you are very brave. I am a very sexual person and I'm the one in my marriage that froze up after having 2 babies in 2 years. I loved my husband and found him to be very sexy and sometimes I desired him, but I was so consumed with my 2 babies I didn't have energy for sex. My husband wanted me and all to often felt rejected. That was never my intention and we had a huge communication break down that dominoed into every area of our marriage. Best thing you can do is get a babysitter, drag him to unfamiliar territory and a place without a remote control or any other distraction devices and talk, address the situation and let him know that he is making you feel alone, old, undesirable,ask him if there is someone else, something else what the reason is that he has shut down. Ask politely and directly. I found an evening at the beach excluded from people is a good place to talk. Maybe taking seperate cars and meeting is a good idea, having time to absorb the conversation after the fact and a moment to accept how you feel about it is a good idea without harboring feeling of anger or resentments and shaking it off before seeing your baby. Babies pick up on Mama's moods and nerves. Good luck.

Here are a couple ideas I've heard other people try:

Have a TV vacation. No TV for a month. It's amazing how much time and energy is sucked away by the TV. A friend's parents told me that the reason why the never had a TV during 20+ years of marriage was because all her husband wanted to do was watch TV and she was left feeling very unfulfilled. She gave her husband the ultimatum: sex or TV. He got rid of the TV that day.

Counseling. Like everyone else was saying, sex is a symptom, not the problem. He needs to be very, very open about what he's feeling inside. A professional might help him to share.

No porn ever. Several women I know have said that their husbands view porn and then have no interest in them. Porn and masturbation are so damaging. They fill the man, but not the wife. Sex is supposed to be unifying. Porn is basically having sex with someone else and masturbation is having sex with yourself. So, both of these are NOT sex with your spouse and are the same as cheating. Ask your husband directly if he's involved with it. Seek professional help if he is. It is extremely addictive and hard to break.

Don't nag.

And take the getaway idea. But, no watching TV while you're away together. Get out for strolls on the beach/woods, go out to eat all dressed up, have fun. Then go back to the hotel room and snuggle in dim lighting. Take a shower/bath together. See if that helps spark some interest.

I've been in a similar situation with a fiance a long time ago. We were engaged and his job transfered him and I moved to live with him a few months after the transfer. Then, the no sex phase started. Long story short-He was cheating. I could not imagine when he had the time so I never imagined it was that. If you really want to know have him followed. I only respond this way because when I read your story I thought 'oh, she must have married my ex".

as a mother of 4 and a step daughter i find for me it is the energy i lack and lack of privacy..may want to get him a physical as something could be phycially wrong.if healthy..maybe plan a trip alone...once he remembers what he is missing it will return..could he possibly be depressed?

Many responces had a lot to say about the sex issue, but the fact your husband is sleeping on the couch is the most concerning to me. I would absolutly plan a night away A.S.A.P. See what happens, no pressure, and if there still is no lovin' then I would discuss getting professional help. Hope things turn out and don't give up too easy.

I will be honest with you, I have been feeling the same way as you but different. I have been married for 4 years, the sex decreased DRASTICALLY the minute I said I do. We have been fighting about this since we got married. We do know have a 19 month old. I have brought up attraction to my husband as well and he swears he is still attracted to me. I am significantly overweight so I still believe this is the problem. I wish I had an answer for you but if I did than I think maybe I would not be in the same boat as you.

Good Luck

Hello,

Did you ever consider that your husband is gay? His behavior is not normal. You should see a marriage therapist about this problem. Life is too short to be this unhappy. If he is no longer interested in you then you are better off without him. If going away for a night will help get it going again then pay a babysitter.

Hi N.,

I am so sorry this is happening to you, sweetie. I suggest this...take a shower after your son is in bed and just have a towel wrapped around you...and when he is on the sofa go to him and sit on hubby's lap/talk sexy and let the towel come off...see what happens...if that doesn't work try to go away with him and see what happens then. If he still does not want to make love to his wife...it could be something serious he does not want to talk about that could be detrimental to your marriage (loss of intimacy/love, cheating, a dysfunction,...) and you deserve the truth. My email is ____@____.com
if you would ever like to chat. I wish you the very best.

Hugs,

M. (full-time working married, 30y/o mom of 3 children: 8 boy, 6 girl, 3 girl)

From your second response, it sounds a bit like depression. I also recommend professional help. Its very hard for men to ask for and accept emotional help. Generally speaking, they see it as disempowering, they think they should be able to handle it all, etc... If he is depressed, he needs to be evaluated. It does not sound like it is going to get better on its own. And kids are very sensitive to stuff like this. I'd encourage you to address it, however scary. Good luck!

Trying talking to your husband and let him know how much this is hurting you inside. Also, maybe you guys should go to counseling. Did he see you give birth to the baby. For some men, it's a visual they can't get out of their head, especially when you want to be intimate. This does not sound like it is going to go away on its own. I think he has some issues that need to be resolved. Has the stress of marriage and a child have him feeling depressed or ovewhelmed. Is he scared of getting you pregnant again and therefore won't have sex with you? Just some ideas. Good luck and hang in there. I know it can't be easy.

N., i had the same experience 7 years ago...over a year of not sex or emotional contac...he was cheeting, meat someone on line and got so wraped up in to that webb...he finally left me to go after her...
now i'm 4 years remarried happy and fullfild as a wife, mother, woman I' whole again!!! and enhoying a very healthy sex life.
Do go counsoling but make sure he really wants to go, my ex went along with me and did lie to counsoler, we had exercises to do every week and he did noever do any of them with me and the next session he would lie to the consuler, it was all done just to cover up...
You will know in your hart when the time to let go is right. Do not put yur self in a more bonuble possition it will only hurt you more...

I know you've already gotten your answer. However, try romancing and seducing him. Do the whole works! Dress up, hire a babysitter, tell him to meet you at his favorite bar/restaurant, then act like you don't know him. Treat him like someone you've never met but want to have raging tiger sex with! Dr. Ruth has always suggested being open and playful in the bedroom. If a 70 year old woman can be open and playful, I think you can!

I wonder if he's going through a depression. It could be so many things. I think the only way to solve the riddle is to get into counselling. I really hope things work out!

I am glad you wrote about this topic as well. I don't have time to read the responses right now-- because my kids are up-- but will later tonight. My husband and I have 2 kids and barely had sex over the past 4 years! YIKES! But, now that my son is 4 and my daughter is 2-- we started "dating" and we actually schedule sex every 2 weeks after our "date"-- we go out for a drink and have a sitter and then we have sex. It's not the greatest right now-- but at least we are getting back into the game. Scheduling at least ensures you get to have sex and then hopefully-- it won't be so structured LOL.

Mel

Hey N.... I see this happen all the time in my line of work.. Not that I am a professional but My job is helping women enhance the romance in their lives. I am a Slumber Parties Distributor and do a lot of research and reading. So here's my advice (and no it doesn't involve any toys...lol wink wink)

When you have children, the focus gets off of you and on being a parent.. As parents we often forget to take care of our significant others. Think about getting a babysitter for the night. I know you don't want to go away and I wouldn't expect you to! Stay home... What you do is slip a little note into his pocket on his way to work... or teext message him saying... Would you go on a date with me? My theory is HAVE AN AFFAIR... With YOUR HUSBAND! Meet him at the bar or some place out of the ordinary if you want to pretend to meet all over again! Roll play it all the way home! if he's not into the role play (very few aren't =)...) Just have a quiet candlelit dinner... (Go with the cliche it works!) Even if you sit on the sofa and watch a movie together afterwards.. You really just need to focus on the TWO of you as individuals! Work it into your schedule to take out some Husband and Wife time.. Not just mommy and daddy time! Staying at home doesn't mean life as a couple stops!! Your honeymoon doesn't end on your honeymoon!! Ignite the fire that once attracted him to you! Do something you would have done in the pre-baby era!
I hope this helps somewhat... Feel free to call me if I can help you with anything...###-###-####

If that doesn't work- Sometimes it's hard for men to verbalize their thoughts.. email him... It can't hurt.. Sometimes they are more willing to write it out rather than confronting you with their issues!

It sounds like you feel he is getting comfortable. That is a good thing. Don't take him for granted. You may wind up sorry later. If you don't think he's cheating then that is great. However, a relationship does need to have some affection to keep things going, though not necessarily sex. It isn't good that he's been sleeping on the couch. He may feel too much pressure to have sex though. Go out for a night if that is what he wants, maybe things will improve after. Take it slow, don't try to push him. I would talk to him though, and try to find out what is wrong. Counciling would be a good idea too.

I've only just seen this posting, and found it very interesting to read the responses.
All I can say is that I had no idea this is such a wide spread dilemma amongst couples. It always seems to me like EVERYONE else is getting plenty and I'm the odd one out but since seeing this I realise this is not the case!
We have a nearly 3 yr old..only child, although we have recently decided to try for another...before that, we were abstinent for a LONG time through no choice of mine.
Unfortunately his libido dropped off and like many others I got hurt and angry too. We are working on it though!
Thanks, everyone for your responses.

N.,

I am so glad you wrote about your problem, as I am in the same boat. While I was delivering our baby daughter I was screaming out to my husband "don't look down there" because even during the absolute agony of a drugless, back labor birth, I worried that if my husband watched our baby come out he wouldn't want to have sex with me again. What do you know--he watched anyway and now has no libido.

I don't think that in my situation my husband has anything physically wrong with him, nor do I think he's gay or cheating on me. I think the emotional delivery that we both went through and the taxing changes in our lives is effecting him emotionally. While we women often cite our hormones as affecting our behaviors, men also have horomones but since when have your heard a men say that they are hormonal? Sometimes I feel like a husband that women are afraid of that pressures them into having sex so I instigate but never turn on the pressure. Maybe I should try to be a bit more aggressive, but I know that if I were having problems I wouldn't want my husband to pressure me. My husband, like yours, says that a weekend away would be the answer, but we don't have the time or money to get away.

My husband used to tell me every day how attractive I am. Now, I have to remind him to tell me, and when I do he feels bad that he forgets to say anything to me. I also have dreams about having sex, but I never tell my husband.

I am the breadwinner in the family. My husband is working a job he hates. He loves being a daddy...it's his new passion. We both hate the intensity of our lives--we work long hours and opposite schedules, and never have time for ourselves or each other (romantically). When there is a small window to be romantic, my husband complains he's too tired.

I think the problem in our relationship is that we don't have time for ourselves anymore. My husband used to be a husband, employee, friend, mountain biker, home chef, and painter. Now he's a daddy, employee, and husband, never does anything for himself. He doesn't have any time for friends or exercising or art. I have been working on trying to gain control of our time so he can go back to appreciating the other things in his life that he misses--even if he just goes for a bike ride once a week I think he will be more fulfilled. I also don't have time for myself but I am much better at managing my time, and therefore bits of personal time, than he is. Of course my husband never vocalized this but I suspect this is making him depressed.

Anyway, I don't think prancing around in lingerie or inventing new ways of eating whipped cream will change anything for us. Perhaps you can relate to my situation, and I hope this helps.

I'm a little late to the game, I realize, but I just had to put in my two cents. My dh and I were in the same type of situation only it was on my part, not his. I went to the library and got a bunch of books that I felt really helped me out. One was Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. I didn't read the whole book, or really even half of it, but the first two chapters are about figuring out who you are, how you feel, and what you want. It was incredibly helpful for me. If your hubby would be willing, I bet it would be quite insightful for him, too. The next was a book called Is There Really Sex After Kids. I can't remember who wrote it, but it is an amazing book. It also helps you look in the mirror at what you're not happy with and then goes on to talk about improving the marriage bed. (One point she discusses in particular that I really appreciated was the fact that the religious community focuses so much on brainwashing children to believe that it's not ok to have sex before marriage that no one ever tells you how wonderful it's supposed to be after marriage. She even quotes several parts of the Bible referring to sex.) Aside from the "research" I say if your husband wants a night out for intimacy, give it to him. It may not be that he needs that every time, but he at least needs it now to try to get the spark back again. He probably feels like he needs a break from all the chaos of the past couple of years and every day life in general - I know the feeling! Get a babysitter, go out on the town all decked out, and just enjoy each other's company with no expectation of sex. It'll happen - it happened before! I think you just need to reconnect and talk about some things open and honestly with each other and things will work themselves out. I hope this helps you!

First I would start by agreeing to go away with him for a night. I understand that you don't want this to be the only time you have sex, but I think you should go with what he'd like. I think its normal for people's sex drive to diminish after having a child, I think its more common for a woman to experience it, but I think we need to be understanding when its a man too. I don't think you are being selfish, sex is very important to a relationship and he's got to feel that way too. I think communication is key and you should try to get him to talk about it. The fact that you haven't had sex in a year is a pretty big deal. First thing, is don't push, but talk about sex without initiating it -- like after you put your son to bed, sit at the table, open some wine and talk about it. Preface this by saying "we don't have to have sex right now, but we have to talk about our sex life in order to get it back". Then ask him what is bothering him, try to be as open as possible and don't judge. See if you can set aside one night a week for alone time, or a date night. You may also want to suggest counseling too. I hope this helps. I wish you luck.

Ouch, but not alone. You will be surprised on how many women are faced with the same problem. I have been in my relationship 11 years married 3 going on 4 and four children later and I still get the I'm tired or whatever. Now I really can not tell you what to do, but I can only reccommend that maybe just as a start-rent a room for a nite. It might be the start of something new? Creativity--just don't ask, just use a lot of foreplay (get him in the mood) We're only human to have feelings and express them. And in a strange way-I know this may sound off, but.... treat him as if he's a one nite stand. Many times this may get him wondering- don't talk about sex or sleeping on the couch, or his feelings for you. Treat yourself well and let him see it. Guys know they are getting their milk for free---make him work for it. If you mention anything it makes you "needy" or so I've been told. Remember this---you lived before him and you can live after him. This he may need to see without so many words. You can love him and be true to him all you want-it's all in the deliverance.
of your actions.

Try marriage counseling. When my husband and I were having problems, which led to me NEVER having sex with him, we went to marriage counseling. Only a few times but it REALLY helped.

Hi N.,

I feel for you girl. I have been married for 21 years. Our sex life is up and down, on and off all the time. Everything changes, that is constant, so never give up.

I have just found an interesting website:
www.reuniting.info

Perhaps you two can build your oxytocin hormone levels up and go from there.

Good luck,

A.

I have experienced this from both sides. While dating, I got pregnant, and my then boyfriend was so disturbed by the fact that I got pregnant, barely touched me again until we were married, which was 3 years later. Ugh! Then after our marriage and he wanted to have children, he could not get enough. After our baby came, I was too tired and feeling too motherly to want to have sex. I still feel unsexy having the kids sleeping near us, and knowing they could interrupt any time. It may be he's feeling a combination of apprehension, not being ready to have another baby (I assume pregnancy was not planned), and having difficulty being in the mood with a child nearby. I recommend counseling and some time away. I should take my own advice too!

We had the same problem. 4 years of marriage a beautiful 3 year old son and finally the divorce now which is a nightmare.