Apology

I wouldn't apologize. They sound like narcissists--everything is about THEM. It sounds like they weren't much help at all and actually caused more stress, so I wouldn't want them back.

Glad your husband is improving.

What a dreadful and silly situation the in-laws created with an "it's all about us" attitude. You don't need this hassle.

I'm sorry your husband is buying into their anger, too. But in his case, if he is otherwise good with you, I would chalk his anger up to a more general fear he's probably feeling right now -- he's scared, and trying not to show it, and it's coming out as anger at you.

Meanwhile, is he better enough for you to talk with him?

What does he mean when he says you must "make them feel appreciated" when they next visit? I would sit him down and say you and he must agree on specifics there, because if you end the weekend and he announces "You did not make them feel appreciated enough!" you are once again left being the bad guy. So BEFORE they come: "I really do need to know - because I am distracted by worrying about and caring for YOU -- what you define as 'making them feel appreciated.' I really do want specifics so that at the end of their next visit, I know I have done what you expect, and you cannot come back to me and say 'You did not do X' when I was unaware that X was expected of me." Can he engage in a calm discussion along those lines?

Also tell him that your focus was on keeping that "normal schedule" that HE wanted, and doing so does not leave you time to spend with the in-laws as if they were visiting.

I think you and he need to get on the same page about what will happen if he is needing care and they are present. It is up to HIM -- not you, him -- to say to them before they come: "You would be a huge help. I am asking you now to take over the kids for the weekend -- drive Sally to soccer on Saturday afternoon and stay for the game; take Billy to his friend's and pick him up at 5, so that Wife can help me deal with some things. That is what I really need and we hugely appreciate it." If they say "we want to care for you" he needs to have the guts to say, "I know but the way to care for me right now is to keep my kids on their schedule."

Remember, HE says it. He deals with them, not you. If he is not up to dealing with them like that, it is not yet time for them to visit. They aren't going to listen when YOU say, "What we most need is for you to do X."

I would wager that the in-laws are super-sensitive types who like to be the focus of everyone's attention -- even when times are great and son is in fine health. You cannot win any dispute with them where it becomes about what you did or did not do to make them feel oh, so special. I would just say now, "I'm sorry if you felt I wasn't giving you the attention or appreciation you deserved. I do appreciate the help you gave. I hope you can see how I was very upset, worried and distracted by the fact my husband was in intensive care, and if that kept me from making you feel appreciated, I'm sorry about that." Then drop it. Those words basically say that you're sorry if THEY perceived they weren't appreciated enough, not that you didn't appreciate them.

If husband is more focused on placating his demanding mom and dad than on his own health or YOUR worry, there are some bigger issues here that probably were around before he was ill, and will still be around after he is well. I would think about that once the immediate crisis is finished. It sounds like mom and dad know how to pull his strings.

Honestly, I couldn't say it any better than Leigh R. did. Do what she said.

YOU (appropriately) were focused on your husband's recovery and your children's well being. His parents are adults and a) can take care of themselves, and b) should have been putting him and his well being (not theirs) first. It MAY be (unless they are like Leigh said) that they were worried about their son in a weird way and just didn't deal well (best case scenario).

And the closest you should come to an apology would be "MIL/FIL, after your son's surgery, my focus was on taking care of hubby and keeping kids from being too upset. I'm so sorry you felt neglected (or whatever)." This way, you're SORT OF apologizing - they'll hear the "sorry", but you're not apologizing for your behavior, just that they took it wrong.

Hugs B., I am so sorry for your experience. Of all the questions over the years that I've read on Mamapedia, yours is the one that I can most relate to because I had a similar experience!
Years ago (more than 10), my husband was going to need eye surgery. My kids were 6 and 2 years old. My inlaws lived 12 hours away. The excellent doctor my husband was using for surgery and follow up was an hour and a half away. My MIL wanted to come BEFORE the surgery! You know, to wring her hands in worry, while we were still going about our normal routine. So they came. To "help." But my MIL didn't really want to help. She just wanted to oversee her son's recovery and alleviate her own panic over whether he'd lose his vision. She resented having to babysit or drive anywhere. She resented my daughter still having to follow her normal routine of doing homework, of being reprimanded for bad behavior. MIL started a huge blowup, right in front of my daughter, not while my husband was there, of course. She threw up everything that she didn't like about me, everything I ever did that she did not agree with, threw everytime that they helped us with something in my face, things from years earlier that she was thanked for at the time (and of course, not acknowledging the times we helped them with their houses, moves, etc.). I told her that if you are giving out of a feeling of obligation and will end up resenting it, then you should not make that offer of help because the other person does not deserve your resentment.
Your inlaws didn't really want to help. They came expecting to be entertained and treated as company. They owe you an apology, and if your husband is angry at you, then he owes you one too, before it causes irreparable damage to your relationship. You don't need to make them feel appreciated or smooth their ruffled feathers. You were busy taking care of your husband's medical needs and keeping a normal routine for the kids, you didn't have time to entertain his parents or sing their praises. If they were only helping for the sake of recognition, then they should not have "helped" at all. Tell your husband that he can make his parents feel appreciated and ought to send them a card and a nice fruit basket to thank them for coming to help during his hospitalization/recovery.
Hugs!

You are experiencing exactly your H's childhood. That's why he is upset and why he wants to placate them. Its how he got along with his narsasistic parents. You did not grow up with this dynamic. You can see the manipulative mess it is.

You have a choice. You can go along to get along or you can not let them manipulate you. The balance in this has to be what is good for your family.
Compromise where it matters. Ignore where you can. Avoid as much as possible. Don't invite their drama to your party. This kind of help, you don't need.

You can say, I'm sorry you were hurt. Do not invite them for the weekend. Make Sunday dinner for them or invite them out to eat. You have to tell H what your limit is. No overnight stays. An hour away is fine for a drive.

Oh yeah, he should not depend on an inheritance or compromise his family for it. They have a hair trigger and can blow up on him in a min.

Your inlaws need to get over themselves. The point of helping people is NOT for the recognition, but to help someone you care about and make things easier for them. I'm shocked your husband is so concerned about his parent's feeling when HE is the one who should be the centre of attention and care.

If it's really an issue between you and your husband, then write your inlaws a nice letter thanking them for all their help and telling them how much you appreciate all they did. Doesn't matter if you actually feel this way, it'll take you 10 minutes to do and will appease your husband who does NOT need the stress of his emotionally needy parents right now.

What "I" would have done.

I would have stayed at the hospital with hubby and taken care of him. I'd tell the in-laws the schedule and told them to make sure the kids got to everything on it. If they didn't do it then that would be on them.

I'd have been the one making sure hubby got a shower and got in bed unless you had to lift him you should have been able to do this.

His parents sound self centered and only concerned with how they're perceived by others. I'd say feed their ego and let them think what they want.

They'll be gone some day and you'll know you did the best you could for hubby and your kids. They don't really matter in the long run. Be the best person you can and then you won't have any regrets about how someone else thought you treated them.

Hi B.,

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Having read your previous post about your daughter's starting a new school it's easy to see that a lot has happened in a very short amount of time. It is really to be expected that it would be a lot to process and it sounds like you feel that you are right in the middle of it.

May I ask, why is your husband upset with you? Is it because he feels you did something wrong, or is it because his parents are giving him flak and he's just a few days post-surgery? The reason I ask is because we've had some similar accusations in our own family about people being ungrateful, etc. I often found that unless the person being accused of being ungrateful was really being rude, that some of this is about the other party's unmet expectations.

Many people get very disturbed when their expectations are not met and take it personally, forgetting that the person who isn't meeting their expectations is just treading water and emotionally exhausted. I can completely understand *why* you were keeping the conversations with hospital staff 'all business'; they have a lot to do and we aren't there to commiserate, we are there to get someone help.

And I think it was disappointing that his parents couldn't have waited until he was a bit past the surgery to discuss their hurt feelings with him. That sort of shows you where they're at.

You have the option of not hosting, you have the option of keeping it to a lunch, and if I were in that situation, a lunch and afternoon visit over coffee and tea is what would seem reasonable to me. Do I think *they* are being reasonable? I don't know; I don't know to what extent they felt pushed away, however, adding the stress of a whole weekend visit when school has just started and you are all coming through this-- can your husband understand that to an outside perspective-- that seems like A LOT to ask of someone? A LOT.

You have every right to be upset. You are having a lot put on your shoulders-- to care for your family (and I don't know how much your husband has healed, if he is getting around on his own now) and keep house and make guests welcome. It's exhausting even to think about it. Is your husband back at work and able to help? If not, then it's too soon, because he should also be *joining you* in showing his gratitude to his own parents too!

ETA: Mamabadger said it well: " I'm shocked your husband is so concerned about his parent's feeling when HE is the one who should be the centre of attention and care." Like other posters, I do think his parents are being very self-centered, that said, I also know that their children (children of mentally ill parents) were raised to be highly defensive of their parents. So, if the parent(s) were actually narcissistic, this reaction on his part would be fairly typical of that parent/child dynamic--it's their job to shore up the parent's ego.

It sounds like the amount of "help" they gave wasn't worth the amount of drama and aggravation they caused for it. They were not there for you to cater to them and their wishes. If you really did thank them for coming, then I think they are being way too sensitive.

Frankly, I think I would rather deal with everything myself than to have to deal with them too. I would have much rather made a few sandwiches and did the dishes than deal with this. It sounds like you all asked them for the help that you needed and they were not willing to do it. Fine, then they had no business in your home being a pain in the butt and making demands.

No, I would not have them back again so soon so that you can spend your time placating them. The closest thing I would do would be to thank them again for coming and tell them that you were sorry that they felt badly about the visit - you were focused on the care of your husband and your children.

Next time something like this happens, either call someone else to help or just suck it up and manage the best you can.

Mymission explained your husband's point of view. This has always been his reality. He does not want to admit his parents are selfish and immature. Somehow you have to help him save face. Tell him the stress of his surgery and recovery was hard on all involved but you are all adults and you're sure everything is fine now. I've never heard of inviting people who live that close to spend the night.

You did nothing wrong here. They got upset that you didn't tell some nurses that your they were taking good care of you? That info isn't even going to help the nurses give you advice on how to better care for your husband. And you've been thanking them. What more do they want? Sounds like they just want to cause drama.

While your inlaws have good intentions (maybe), they're actually making things more difficult than they need to be. Caring for a sick person is stressful enough, you shouldn't have to deal with this.

If I were you, I would talk to your husband, not your inlaws. I was just talking to my husband about this and he agrees with me -- the issue isn't all about your inlaws, it's your relationship with your husband and whether he has your back. If he has your back I would apologize for the sake of harmony and you should invite them over when things calm down.

You don't owe them an apology. Thanking them for their help sincerely should be enough "credit" acknowledgment for said help.

EDIT: When I had major surgery, help in my home and with my children was gladly accepted. My husband had a routine set up with my mother and some friends. However NO ONE STAYED at my home. They were not guests but helpers. They were there for one purpose only... it wasn't a pleasure stay. And they understood that they were there to help keep order and routine for my children, especially since my Autistic daughter relies very heavily on routine to remain on an even keel. They NEVER imposed on us. But they understood healing was needed.

Your in-laws don't seem to recognize any of that.

oooooo, how horribly uncomfortable!
what's up with your husband? i think i'd need to hear what his pov is before taking a side here. did they read your 'calm' responses as tense and tight-lipped?
either way, i'm sorry. what a miserable position to be in.
khairete
S.

Since they only live 11/2 hours away why do they need to stay for extended periods of time. Does your husband still need help at night? Does he need someone to be with him at all times? If not why do they need to be there?

If your husband isn't usually in need of his parent's presence, I suggest that the surgery has caused him to slip into child mode. Perhaps it would help for you to be especially sympathetic. I suggest you don't try talking about the situation from your view. Just sympathize with his feelings. He isn't able to understand your feelings at this time. If he rarely sees your side of things it's time for counseling.

Your feelings should be just as important if not more so then his parent's. Because he's ill he may be feeling helpless and in need of mom and Dad. Would he be able to consider that possibility? Try talking about how we need parents without talking about his parents.

Keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for how his parents feel. Therd is nothing you can do to change how they feel. I'm guessing they have always been critical of you and look for examples to show you don't like them. You can't change their minds so quit trying.

I suggest that if you could back off emotionally that you could tolerate their short visits. Learn how to let go of trying to please them. Find a way to let their comments not affect you. Not easy, I know.

Would it work for your husband to stay with them for recovery? Perhaps just having that as an option would help your husband understand better. If you suggest that be sure to do it in a loving way. Be sympathetic.

Be sure to use I statements whenever you talk about this. Do not try to defend your actions. When we slip into defensive mode we are agreeing that we may have done something that needs defending. Know that you acted in good faith and ignore the accusations.

I'm sorry to hear about the rough time you and your family are going through. I don't think you need to apologize to your in-laws at all. It's your family, and it sounds like you have been doing everything you can to give everyone a sense of normalcy while your husband recovers.

It sounds like your inlaws didn't do a whole lot anyway, and I think it was kind of inconsiderate of them to come so soon..could they not have waited until your husband had recovered a little bit?

I'm sure it's a sensitive time for everyone involved, because emergency surgery can be scary and worrisome. But, you shouldn't have to feel bad about any of this. You're not running a hotel at this time. It happened to you too. Sending you strength, Mama. :)

I can see all sides of it, and I have been in your shoes (home-bound recovery, not ICU).

Instead of apologizing, I don't really see a need for it, invite them up, now that hubby is feeling better, and thank them verbally for all of their help (with a toast to health and family) over a nice meal. Granted, it may not have been the quantity your hubby needed, but they did come up for 11 days.

I don't know what on earth your husband is thinking, but they either have him totally snowed, or he is as much of a jerk as they are. You need to ask him what he really wanted - the kids to stay on schedule, or his parents to run the schedule. He can't have both. What on earth do the nurses have to do with you appreciating them? That's just ridiculous...

If you took care of your husband to the best of your ability and decided to actually have 8 hours of sleep, and if you have been pleasant and decent to them, then you have nothing to apologize for. If you DO apologize, then you'll just be setting yourself up for them upping the ante on what they expect for you to show "appreciation".

the nurse does not care if the inlaws are taking care of the patient.. the nurse wants to hear about the patient. so telling the nurse about what a great job the inlaws are doing is silly.

I might have tried to divide and conquer.. you take care of hubby and let the inlaws take care of kids... let them drive kids to dance soccer or whatever.. or stay home and take care of hubby.. whiel you drive all over.. sounds like lack of communicatioin..

Well, I know for certain I'd have a problem with this scenario. I wouldn't apologize for living my life. I would not allow people that behaved like that towards me to stay in my house either, and I would flat out tell them why.

I'd have a super-mega-problem with my husband acting like yours is doing.

It sounds to me like the best thing is for your husband to go live with his parents until he's grown up and they cut the cord.

We're all glad your hubby is better. He shouldn't be mad, but, it happens, especially when you are recovering and fighting with the inlaws. No, you shouldn't need to apologize, but if it will save the peace, go ahead. His mental health is going to be important to his recovery.

I am laughing a little that they came to stay with you for so long when they live so close. Or maybe its just me. My parents live that far from me, and I used to commute farther than that for years, but...maybe they could come to dinner or visit for a couple of days, tops. When they do, hand them the schedule for the days they will be there, give them each their own copy, and that way they know what is planned. Then they can ask if they want to add something else and when. Make it a family thing. I don't know if that will work or not, but it might.

Good luck, and no you didn't do anything wrong. Have a good day and weekend!

Oh this could have been my in-laws. They are very needy of recognition and praise, and often play the martyr game. You will never change this behavior in them. I will say, your hubby is in a bad spot. It's hard to see your parents feeling unhappy, but my husband always sides with me, that's just how it should be.

If I were you, I would send an e-mail or call your in-laws and tell them thanks again for their stay and care, and that you're sorry if they felt unappreciated. That in fact, you are very appreciative that they were there. End of story. If they want to bring up examples, cut it off and say that you don't want to re-hash anything, you just wanted to say thanks again. (in truth, they should be sorry for how they added stress to you during this time, which is the OPPOSITE of helpful, but this won't happen and you really just need to end this so you can move on).

I would tell hubby that you feel badly that his parents were upset. And that you contacted them to tell them that they were appreciated and you were sorry that they left. Let him know that you are just focused on his recovery. Maybe explain that even when people have good intentions, it's just hard to have other people- even parents- sharing a space for so long. That it usually ends up with ALL involved being a little testy.

This is probably no time to have it out with hubby about his parents. He should be supportive of you on this issue, but now maybe isn't the time to have this discussion. If he really wants to talk about it, let him know that you were frustrated because their neediness made it hard for you to focus on him. But that you don't like when his parents are upset either. Stand your ground, but make it clear that you don't want to have a divide. And decide if you need to express to him that you are upset that he is not supporting you.

Good luck!

Hmm.. it sounds a bit petty to me, and I wouldn't appreciate it either if we'd just undergone a surgery. Does this go deeper? Do you normally get along? They could be stressed also, where it is their son having surgery... emotions were probably running a bit high.

When we're run into a situation like this (we've had to call on inlaws for help, both sets) we find it is really helpful ahead of time to ask what they are comfortable assisting with. In our case, instead of divvying up tasks, I tended to do all the personal stuff (showers, etc.) and had them solely look after meals, kids, etc. whatever they felt comfortable with. Alternatively, when I had surgery, my mother wanted to help me with showering, etc. because that is her background (nursing) so that worked really well. My husband focused on the children, and take out :)

I think if people are trying to help out, but it's not super clear (sometimes it is easier to tell people what to do, if they are ok with that, or ask them and then they just need to focus on what they've offered), feelings can often get out of whack. I've seen this happen with friends and inlaws also - especially when babies are born, etc. and they want to help out. I think they can also feel a bit in the way, and not appreciated. Remember too, they are older, and it's not as easy so they may think they are contributing a whole lot (whereas, it would be very simple for you). My friend's mother in law expected to be thanked immensely for folding laundry, whereas her own mother would cook a meal, vacuum, look after the kids, etc.

I wouldn't necessarily apologize (also doesn't sound like you really feel you did anything wrong) but maybe clear the air. Something like "I'm sorry you feel that way - it wasn't my *intention* to make you feel that way, I appreciate your help, but I was stressed over his surgery, and the added responsibility and with the kids' schedule, etc.".

I find when people focus on intentions (rather than feelings) it clears things up quite quickly. You didn't intend to offend them, and quite frankly, you can't control how people perceive what you do. You can just say you didn't mean to offend.

Not sure you have to have them to stay either (especially overnight)? Maybe treat out to a meal for all their help (although typically parents like helping out, so this shouldn't really be necessary - but show them you appreciated what they did somehow, even a card) - or just do something nice together, even at your home. Sometimes elsewhere is neutral .. see what your husband says. I think you should agree together before just doing something he or they want ... you have to feel it helps you to be understood also.

Hope that helps. It can be very touchy for sure.

If it will keep the peace yes.

Just tell them you were so distracted and worried abut your husband you probably came off as not appreciative enough. But Of COURSE you are appreciative of every thing they did.. Taking precious time out of their very important, super busy, lives and being willing to come and help your husband, their son.

There is NO way, he would have survived without their presence and you will be eternally grateful, you are even considering having a tattoo designed in honor of them and having it placed on your right butt cheek.. You will then hold an "Appreciation Dinner" in their honor where you will present it to them in front of all friends and family..

Ok, maybe just the first part..
In reality, this people sound high maintenance.
Apologize and realize they need a lot of gratitude in the future..
Good grief.

No. Never lose yourself in becoming what you think your inlaws want you to be. Its your home, your husband and your kids and husband's. You will never satisfy the inlaws so dont try.

You shouldn't have to fall all over them for them to feel "apprecicated.

Their purpose should have been to help your husband, and if that means helping you, so be it.
Family should help because they want to, not to get put on a platform for recognition.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts-you just can't please some people-my mom felt that way when she would come to visit-it's ridiculous-invite them for the weekend and book a million things to do-don't leave them alone for one second.

sounds like the in laws are selfish. Maybe they were mad that the spotlight was on your husband, not on them. When my dad was dying, my grandmother (his mom) came up with all sorts of reasons to have the spotlight on herself, when we were trying to help my dad. Anyway, I would just try to wipe the slate clean, and tell them that with all the busyness of your husbands hospitalization, that maybe the communication wasn't the best, and then go from there. I don't see a need to apologize, because it sounds like you did nothing wrong. You need to speak to them though, so you and your husband won't be on the rocky road.

I actually read this as although you were not "mean" to them, you maybe did not make an effort to make them feel "welcomed". When people are staying with you, you don't just say, "if you want to do something, let us know". They probably won't. So you need to say, hey, they kids have a soccer game tonight at 6pm and we are all going so make sure you are ready. I understand your husband had emergency surgery and that is a stressful time for everyone. So it probably wasn't the smartest idea to have the in laws over for a visit, or even to help, if that was the intent. You don't disclose how you get along otherwise, but I assume not very well. I don't think you really need to "apologize" but I do think you should pass on having them over for the weekend. Have them over again when things have calmed down and make more of an attempt to make them feel welcomed. It's not worth having your husband or them upset about something that you could easily resolve. Good luck.

Nod and smile.

I had an eerily similar experience with my inlaws - including a hospital visit and them leaving earlier than scheduled - blaming me loudly.

Until you DH is on your side, it will continue to be 3 against one and you'll never win. You'll never even get a truce, it will just become a sport to piss you off.

Apologize - tell them how you were just stressed last week - you know, with hospital, kids, visiting family - and you'll make it up to them this weekend.

Then nod and smile your way through 48 hours. And cross your fingers that at some point in the next 5-10 years your husband grows a pair.

I would not. Theres no reason why the kids activities should have changed especially since his parents were there helping out although maybe his dad could have taken the kids to the activities instead.
Maybe next time this happens, your husband goes and stays with them and you just take care of the kids and house.
Just treat the in-laws with kindness every time they come. If they get on your nerves, just walk away and don't say anything.

None if this really adds up.
He explained about the kids activities, and you stood in the gap when the parents couldn't help (late at night, etc.)
Did you invite O. grandparent to go to the activities with you?
Did you, by chance have a wee bit of resentment having them there whil your husband was down, cause it added more work.
Did you ask for specific help with specific things when you needed it?
Either you had a 'tude (which explains why your husband thinks you need to make amends) or they're odd.
Either way, to keep peace, and if you love your husband--apologize!
Good luck.
P.S. where I live, an hour and 15 minutes is across town.

Maybe you should ask your husband to make them "feel appreciated". After all, isn't that supposedly who they were there to help? And if the can't appreciate them, or come up with something specific to thank them for, how can he expect YOU to? You were playing hostess (to some degree, at least you were EXPECTED apparently to play hostess) while also taking care of your sick husband and keeping things on an even keel for the kids.

Perhaps you should ask your husband EXACTLY what it is he expects you to be appreciative OF. That they came? Umm... good. I'm so glad you were concerned about Bill to come and stay with us during his recovery. That about covers that. What else? That they complained about how I napped in the morning, since I needed to be awake during the night for you? Oh wait... I know.. thanks for preparing lunch for us. I would have had to throw together some sandwiches or run out for take out if you hadn't been here.
Uggg.
Let husband be the one to be appreciative. They came for him, right?

It sounds like they are a little difficult, but yes, just invite them for the weekend and if the opportunity arises you can apologize for the miscommunication.

You didn't do anything wrong, but it never hurts to apologize, to those who are easily offended.

They are high-maintenance people. Just apologize and make peace.

I have always felt it is hard enough for a husband and wife to get along in one house and now you have thrown his parents into the mix. It kind of tilts the scale a little.

His parents are old and set in their ways (I am sure). They are right because they are parents (in their own world).

I feel unappreciated every time I cook dinner, do the laundry, or press a shirt. I feel deserving every time my husband cleans the mess or goes up stairs while my little one takes a shower. I could do it just as easy because she just wants someone upstairs and you just sit on the computer or watch TV, but it is my time that I am not doing something for someone else. Which by the way, as I type this I take note to myself to say thank you to him[husband] for cleaning the mess even though I feel I deserved it after cooking his dinner.

In any event, your situation mimics my most recent situation while visiting my elderly aunt. She went off on me! You can read about it somewhere in my stuff. It should be somewhere on top. She chewed me a new -- and I stood there and said okay, okay, okay. Granted, I was in her house and your situation took place in your home. Anyway, if I could call my aunt today and make good with her, I would. It's not in the cards because I am afraid she will have a dang heart attack because she got so angry and worked up.

Anyway, she was right and I was wrong, she is experienced and I am young and dumb [I'm not that young]. She raised two perfect children and I've got it all wrong. So who really cares what she thinks, but she still thinks it. The difference here is, I live 4 hours away by plane and will likely never see her again and your in laws live an hour away and they will be back. If you can't call them right now, sit down and write them a nice little note...I did and it didn't get returned in the mail either (which I feared it would).

Heres the kicker to my situation. I walked in and said I have a hotel and think that will be best and she chewed me out for 20 minutes and told me to take everything with me. Do you really need to kick someone out when they are leaving? Anyway, you have to change the way you see this. It is not a must win situation, it is a blow it over situation. I have had plenty of problems with my in laws, not once have they apologized even though "I" believe they were in the wrong, even though I know they talk about me and talk about others to me. They are not going to apologize and neither will yours.

I suggest you sit down and write them a note and memorialize all the positive great things they did and how the kids got through the whole thing because they were there to help.

Best wishes.