Slow and Sassy

Hi Mindy,

I have no advice, but my friend's 8 year old daughter just started having the exact same behavior & is driving her nuts, too!

I agree that she was the center of attention until the younger sibling was born and that she should get her special 1 on 1 time with each parent. (This will give each parent some 1 on 1 time with the baby too, while the other one is with the older one.) I would also recommend putting up the old "gold star" poster/chart in the kitchen. Let her put the stars up for herself after she completes each expected chore for the day. I would also highly recommend phrasing things in the form of a choice. For instance, "Would you rather put your shoes away and straighten your room or take a shower first?" This gives her some control over the order in which things are done, but she still has to do them. Just knowing she has a choice, might help some. I think she's old enough to talk to her about how she's been acting and how it makes you feel. Be willing to check yourself (as in, how you talk to her, if you roll your eyes at her, etc.) I have a friend that has an 8-year-old and complains of her acting EXACTLY how she acts. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, just that in all fairness, be willing to examine some of your own behaviors and attitudes that she may pick up on, as well as those of her new friends at school. I would also talk to her teach and find out if she is showing any signs of disrespect there.
By the way, when you mentioned she is being "slow" to follow directions, this could very well be in direct response to how fast her needs are getting met. For instance, if she is hungry and you're constantly telling her, "just a minute" or "We'll do it later" because you're tending to the baby, than she's going to do it right back. Of course, she should expect sometimes she will have to wait, but if it has become the rule, and not the exception, that she is waiting all the time, I would think that has a lot to do with it.

Hey Mindy,
I know it's hard to do with a kiddo who is acting in such a way, but if you can focus on the positive things that she does do once in a while and praise her for those.............
and anything good she does as a big sister, make a big deal out of what a great big sister she is.............and if you can get even 20-30 minutes a few times a week alone wtih her, maybe when baby is napping or in bed already, to really sit down and play a game with her and be alone and present with her, it may give her what she needs.
I am sure she'll still be hormonal from time to time, but it sounds like this could have also something to do with the fact that her entire world was recently turned upside down from being the only kid and the sunshine of your world, to having to share you with this other little person!
:)
Hope this helps!
Have a great day!
And happy mothering!
S.
www.MomsOnAMission.US

Do you think it's an attitude thing, or a medical thing... like perhaps she's hard of hearing? Or perhaps just her age at this stage of development. I read a news article on CNN once that said that unlike when we were kids, that 10 years old is now the "new 14." Meaning, kids nowadays are "maturing" much earlier than in previous generations... behaviorally, physically etc. Not that it's the "appropriate" thing for them or the best, but it's just our society nowadays etc. But at 10 years old, this is now when they "are" like a 14 year old. Also, you might want to just make sure, at this age, that you spend time with her and just talk story, let her just express her feelings etc. (I"m not saying you don't, I'm just rambling here...) but maybe she just needs this. She seems frustrated perhaps? Is there anything in her life that is affecting her or stressing her out? This is an emotional age. Or maybe she has problems at school or peer issues? Before you assume it's just an "attitude"... investigate and "look" around her life to see if there is anything bothering her. Is she "happy" and if not why? Give her the benefit of the doubt, talk with her, see how she is doing. If this is out of character for her, then something must be bugging her? Girls, any age, have "hormones" to deal with too. But aside from that, really see how she is and talk about it, maybe she just needs someone who can "hear" her out. I remember when I was a kid, having a Parent just give me the benefit of the doubt and really "hear" what I had to say was so important and special. Also check out her friends... are they "nice" and appropriate? Sometimes peers affect other kids, in adverse ways. I would just suggest really looking at all aspects of her life... and main thing, don't let her "shut down" and turn "inward"...then she won't talk to anyone. A child should always feel they can go to their Parents for anything, good or bad. We are their soft place to fall. It's hard sometimes, but it's important for them. Good luck and take care. I'm sure you will get good suggestions here.
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Mindy,

Welcome to having a daughter club! Does she do this with your husband as well. If she is anything like my daughter I bet she doesnt. She knows better. When this happens at my house dad steps in and tells her that she is not aloud to talk to "his wife" that way. This way she knows that I am no longer just her M. but I am his wife and he will not allow anyone not even her to talk to me that way. After he does that she magicly seems to give me more respect. Also, I bet if you called your M. and told her what is going on she would laugh and tell you you did the same thing at her age. Mine did and my M. called it payback. ( I didnt find it as amusing as she did but some day I'm sure I will) Daughters and Moms are sometimes like oil and water they dont mix. She will grow out of this or so thats what my M. tells me :o)

I have been experiencing the exact same thing with my recently turned 7 year old daughter!!! Just so you know, you're not alone. I think this might just be a phase as they enter into a maturing little person who wants to be independent. I would suggest to walk away after you have made your point with her. This will let yourself and her have a few minutes of time out to think and cool off, and not drag out something that is small and not worth the battle.

Hi M.
I'm wondering about when you noticed this behavior starting to happen with your daughter? She had her mommy all to herself for about 7 years...what has life been like for her since her little sister came along? It sounds like something is going on for her internally that she needs to express and this is the way she is choosing to do it. It also sounds like she is trying to assert power or control over you...her life...what are the boundaries in her life? Some things to consider. On another note, I've found some great advice from www.calmerparenting.com.

I don't have girls so I can't speak to the age with girls either.

Hey Mindy!

Your not alone out there! I also have a sassy mouthed 7 y/o girl! Might be the age!

It's normal at this stage. My step daughter, now 13 did the same thing (still does, but less) at that age. As did her younger sister who is now 10 and full force into the Sassy talk back , my way or temper tantrum attitude. It's really hard, and although I think it would be better if my husband followed thru on his threats of punishment. But he rarely does, so they continue. Good luck. I think the only answer to curbing that behavior is to give them consequences - consistently. Don't give in, stick to your guns, and your 'punishments', or she'll know she can always get away with it.

This very well could be pre-menstral syndrome. My niece is 16 now, but started her period at nine. I blame it on the hormones in milk and meats.

I have a three year old son and when he was in the two year old stage I found this great program called Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. Our local Mommy and Me had a short class and it has changed my life. My son is so well behaved now, he started preschool two months ago and none of the teachers can get over how respectful and polite he is and he gets along with all of the kids. It sounds like your daughter is at a perfect stage for it, and it will make things so much easier for you. here is the web site http://www.loveandlogic.com/ good luck!

I would guess that her change in mood/behavior could have something to do with a new sibling. It is worth looking in to.

Hi, Mindy. She's passive-aggressive, is she? My first guess is that you (like most of us) are/were an authoritarian-type of parent. She sounds like an intelligent and SENSITIVE girl who has fallen into an unhealthy behavior pattern, and therefore, is at-risk. Forget what our parents taught us. It is not a normal, rite of passage for a pre-teen/teenager to disrespect their parents and to show so much passive-aggression. It's a sign of a troubled parent-child relationship - the most important relationship a child has. Having that kind of anger HURTS. She's getting what she provokes, but not what she needs - because she's frustrating those who could meet her needs. She WOULD rather fight, because it's the only way she knows how to get her release; and it's not healthy. If you have recently changed your style to being a more "understanding" one, be prepared for her to swing wildly the other way for a while. Children (and unhealthy adults) will seek what they are accustomed to, not what they need. Also, she may be blatantly tellng you that she's having a respect issue that she feels is "justified." You need to find out what is hurting her, instead of trying to get her to comply. Anger is a mask for what she's afraid to express. Inner happiness will cause her to make acceptable choices. The children who need us most are the ones who act least deserving of it.

I HIGHLY recommend the following, so you can permanently fix the dynamic in the home before she grows up addicted to negative attention.

Smart Love
http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/parenting/smart_love....
P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training
http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Respo...

Take care,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

I am not quite sure if it is the age or just where we are in society, I also am not quite sure if it is a girl thing or boy thing!!! I have a 11 year old son, and a son that just turned thirteen. I get the same attitude and disrespect, and it started around 8-9. I too tried to be understanding, and patient, but it has now escalated to full on war!! My boys went from loving generous helpful respectfull children, to people I have no clue who they are. It is very frustrating, and a little scary. I am not sure what the answer is but hopefully we will get some responses and help (or even some insight). They grow up so fast and before you know it our chances for closeness, and a loving and open relationship with our kids is undermined by this ugliness that seems to over take them. Good luck and know you are not alone!!!