Spouse Is overweight.....how Do You Approach That?

I think that one of the best things you could do to help him is to pack breakfast and lunch for him...even just one of them. Homemade meals are much more nutritious and have much fewer calories and fat than meals eaten out!

I would suggest you tell him you want to talk without distractions (no kids, games, tv, etc) and tell him exactly what you just wrote. That you need and want him to be around for you and your children. That you're saying this for the benefit of EVERYONE! I don't think there is a way around not hurting his feelings, but if you preface it with, "I know you don't want to hear this and it's hard for me to talk about and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...."

You could also pack him lunch and breakfast the night before work. If you're making yours, it's not hard to make two. (His eating out for 2 meals a day can't be good on your budget, either.) Anyway, you're in a difficult position, but you just have to say it point blank.

I know you have had a lot of responses, but I hope this is a new idea. Learn to play World of Warcraft with your husband. I am totally serious. Then after you have bonded over video games, you need to get dance, dance revolution. And really it will revolutionize your life. it is a totally fun game that you can get into together, quite addicting, and it will make you sweat.
Working out may turn into a family thing, and its something your husband already enjoys- video games. No discussion needed.

I totally understand where you're coming from with the World of Warcraft thing. My husband was completely obsessed with it. He would play that game all day & night if he could. We've set up a 'schedule' that he can't play WOW until after the kids are in bed and he knows he's not getting any from me until we've spent some time together.
As far as the weight issue-he's not going to do anything about it until he's ready. We've been watching "The Biggest Loser" on TV and they've all said it, they were ready and that's the only reason they were doing anything about it. He knows he's overweight and right now all you can do is what you're already doing and encourage him when he does make good decisions regarding his weight.
Have you tried packing his lunch and breakfast for him? At least that way he'd be eating healthier throughout the day. Also, how much soda does he drink a day? Would he be willing to cut back on how much he's drinking? Just that would help with the weight.

Has your husband ever heard of OA? It's a non-profit twelve-step program to treat overeating. Have a ____@____.com free to email me, too, ____@____.com.

I have to start by saying that I was really surprised that many of the postings lacked any understanding about what it means to be an over weight person (there were a few, but not many).

Weight is such a complicated issue and needs to be considered from many angles. For example, your husband may have struggled with weight issues his whole life and was only "thin" or "in shape" when he was in that mate seeking stage. I know personally that this was the case for my husband. He was REALLY thin when I first met him, but he wasn't hardly eating and was super cautious about his weight because he struggled with it as a kid. As we settled into our relationship he gained weight. Now, 10 years late he is easily 50 lbs heavier than when we met.

I also have struggled with weight my whole life and after the baby it has become almost impossible to get motivated to care about it. It is depressing and the only thing that makes me feel better is having my husband continue to tell me how beautiful I am and how the weight doesn't matter.

Health wise, I think it is important to first see if your husband is continuing to gain weight or is he staying at a particular size? As I stated, my husband has gained about 50 lbs since his early 20's, but he has been in the same pants & shirt size for about 4-5 years. He is on the heavy side, but his weight is stable.

Finally, as someone else stated -- your husband will not lose weight until he is ready. No amount of shaming, pushing, or others telling him is going to get him to lose weight if he isn't ready. Remember you went into your marriage for better or WORSE and it is important that you remember that you need to be supportive as well.

I would definently say be upfront with him, that is probably the best. As for some motivation if you haven't seen the movie super size.... get it. It's a little dry but it opened my eyes to not eat fast food anymore but that may be enough motivation. It goes through all the health risks of eating all the fatty foods and not exercising and it is actually pretty gross. And then you could go from there on actually going through the process there are many options out there... If you do get to that point one thing to help keep you guys going is that it can't be called a diet, because that's temporary, it's a lifestyle change for your entire life. Good Luck!!

How about starting weight watchers or similar group program together?

My husband and I got to this point with each other. I've gained alot of weight since my daughter was born, and so has he. We decided to start eating better, cut out pop, etc. but it never happened on his end. So I looked at him one night and decided the "nice" approach wasn't going to do anything, so I said flat out that his weight was unhealthy for him and was getting in the way of our marriage.

We both play World of Warcraft (but any game can be a culprit here) and it has nothing to do with you two playing together. I was a gamer long before my husband was, and there's no such thing as "bonding over a game". It's just a place where you can go, beat stuff up, get better gear, and have to compete with the Jones's on a whole new playing field. Honestly, sometimes it's more stress than it's worth.

So I told my guild my hubby and I were going offline for a month. They all understood, as Real Life comes before any game. My hubby and I reconnected, spent nights making dinner together and cuddling in bed instead of raiding. We both got more active with the kids, started cleaning the house more often(mopping, sweeping, scrubbing counters, etc. burn calories), we pack his lunch in the morning, cut out snacks after dinner, got a water filter for the sink and stopped buying pop.

The bottom line is he needs to want this, too. By supporting him and doing all this alongside him, it will help. World of Warcraft is not the reason he's over-weight, but it isn't helping. Help him have activities with you (however mundane they seem, like making dinner or cleaning with the kids) that will pull him off the game when not much is happening (ie. no raids/guild events, etc) Make sure he knows exactly how this is making you feel, do NOT sugar coat it. Best of luck, I hope you find something that works for the two of you.

I don't mean to sound bad, but your husband needs to get off his butt and help out around the house, Why should you work full time and have to do everything around the house. No wonder your tired, I give you a lot of credit. A marriage is two partners. A small part of you not being attractive to him can be because you are doing everything in the house and are so tired.
I would suggest a marriage counselor for starts and bringing everything out in the open. Dividing the house work and family functions should be done also, again a marriage is a partnership. I think once he is doing other things around the house to help out that he might have more energy to go for a walk, even doing it with the kids and making it a family thing. Setting a time daily or even every other day to do some kind of activity with the kids can be a good start.
You probably will somehow hurt his feelings but doing it with a counselor will help both of you.

I think you should be able to be honest with your husband. All the ladies have given some really good advice. I dont think avoiding hurting his feelings is realistic. And ignoring the problem and leaving it totally to him wont change anything. Let him know you love him and you are worried about him. And maybe next time he goes to the doctor go in with him and ask exactly what the consequences would be to his health if he continues to gain weight. Tha might open his eyes. I think I would encourage him to pack his own lunch and maybe eat breakfast at home (one of those special K cereals or something). It sounds like you already have soo much to do already. Maybe you should ask him to help out around the house. It would get him off the couch and moving. You could also encourage him to work out by letting him know that if he works out with you you'll wear his favorite little outfit while you work out. Hope this helps. Good luck with your hubby.

Hi M.,

Does your husband have any close friends that you could have talk to him? That may be an easier way to approach it for now and maybe that could even spark a conversation between the two of you if he would happen to mention it to you.

My husband had long-ish hair when we were dating. After a while I really wanted him to just cut it off but I never said anything to him because I didn't want to try to change him and have him resent me for it. He had nice hair but that trend was over and he needed to look more business-like. Anyway, we went to a party and all of his friends suddenly had short or buzzed hair cuts. They all teased him about his long hair and then tried to convince him that he would be cooler in the summer with a buzz, etc., etc. He then asked me my opinion and I told him and within a month it was gone! He looked fabulous and he got to take the credit for the whole thing. I know that long hair does not present a health problem but I think it is a good example of how friends can influence the guys better then we can -- at least in some instances.

Good luck.
K.

You can't change your spouse. We only have control over ourselves and our actions. If your spouse is not ready to make a change, then it won't happen - no matter how much support and love you give him. If he senses that you are disappointed in him or don't find him attractive, this will likely lead to increased eating and slothfulness. Our job as wives is to love and support our husbands as they are. We, as women, tend to want to "improve" or make adjustments. That leads to failure in the task and often failures in our marriage. Be loving and supportive.

I am empathetic to your problem as I have two brothers that are well over 300 pounds and may be over 400 pounds. I love them dearly and it breaks my heart to think of the stress their bodies are going through. But they KNOW that is puts them at risk for diseases and problems. The best you can do is sit your husband down and say to him, "it scares me to imagine what I would do in life without you and I am worried that you won't be around as long if you don't get healthier". Say nothing about attraction and do not use the word "weight". Speak only of eating healthier and getting moving. If he doesn't not jump into action - leave it alone. He may feel pains of rejection every time you ask him to exercise or eat something different. Imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Hope this helps.

I identified with your email. And I appreciate your honesty. I have a similar issue with my spouse who has gained only about 15 extra pounds, but let his physique go to waste (no muscle tone, no energy, no exercise means he's negative a lot of the times, critical, low self esteem).
I debated and debated in my head what to do, if anything, and finally while in bed one evening, I was being affectionate and tender and without emotion, stated that it was important to me to keep in shape so as to appear sexy to him. That I wanted him to know that his staying in shape for me was important to me, that i didn't want to lose my physical attraction to him, but unfortunately, I was finding it harder to see him in a sexy way because he wasn't working out like he did before we had kids. I encouraged him to take that time for himself, that a half hour every other day wasn't going to take anything away from the family. He didn't respond, but I could tell he was listening. then I made hot love to him and let the information sink in. Two days later, he began working out. But he works hard to please me in other ways, too, so I knew he would respond well if presented it in the right way.

It's easy to see that you care about your husband and about your sex life together, I definitely think it's worth mentioning it to him. Just finding the right words and the right time is important. Be sure to affirm him in other ways so as to cushion the "criticism" with some soft, loving words too.

I have found the direct way is the best. My ex's problem was apnea-extrememly sever apnea. He refused to do anything about it. One day I finally told him that I married him for life, and I didn't intend on living my life alone because he died prematurely and wouldn't take care of himself. If he cared so little about me and our son, then I was leaving. Guess what- he let me go- NOW he is trying to take care of it- and I hate that I am divorced, but that is life. I am not saying give him an ultimatum- but you do need to point out that his unhealthy weight is affecting everyone and is not a good example for your kids either. Don't tip toe, and don't be so concerned about his feelings- you can't guard him from the truth forever.

Thats a tough situation to be in. I can see both sides of this, as I am the heavier spouse in my marriage. (but at least I'm not super obese and I am working on getting thinner!) For me, when my husband talks to me about eating healthier and losing weight, I automatically go on the defensive. Part of it is because he is thin. Always has been. He has a crazy metabolism and its actually difficult for him to gain weight. Wish I had that problem. Anyway, I never want to hear what my husband has to say about my weight and what I need to do to lose it. And alot of times, it goes in one ear and out the other. I'm rambling here. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, if your husband does not want to lose weight, he won't. And if you talk to him, he will probably resent you for it.

That being said, I think you definately need to talk to him. You need to tell him how important it is to you that he is in your life and that you only want to grow old with him. And you can't do that if he dies early because he refused to have a healthy lifestyle. If I were you, I don't think I would mention the word "weight" or that he is less "attractive" to you. That will only hurt his feelings more. But I think that if you take the angle of being healthy and living a long happy life together, you might have a better chance of getting through to him.

And of course, you need to brace yourself for the hurt and anger that he will probably have. Also, there is the possibility that anything you say will go in one ear and out the other. Just know, that if you talk to him, you did what you could. Only he can decide to lose weight and actually do something about it.

Good Luck!!

I can understand how your spouse being overweight can frustrate you. Maybe instead of working out with you or walking with you he sould take the kids out and walk with them or play catch or tag or something. Baby steps. Working with you may actually make him more angry and frustrated. I can honestly say if my husband kept pushing me to "do something" I would totally blow him off but I would have a rough time turning down the kids. Also take the video game away you would do it for your kids do it for your husband.