Struggling Here. How Do You Tell a Kid Why Their Friendships Go Wrong?

Do boys ever understand gentle terms?

But you could say, "Well, this is the time you boys get to find out what being a friend is really about. Sometimes you will both like each other, and sometimes you won't. It's good to have a lot of friends at school, so when one of them is mad at you - like James is right now - you'll have other kids to play with. In a few weeks, things may change and you two will be buddies again. But for right now, give James time to get over his "mad" and enjoy the other kids." "But I want James to be my friend NOW!" "Friendship can't be on the basis of just what you want. The other person has to want to be friends, too. Give it time, and when you come home from school you can tell me who you *do* play with right now."

Worth a try, anyhow. What the other boy is like doesn't need to enter in.

Wow what a wide variety of answers! To me the wide range of responses tells me this is something we all still have to work on.... I too have a very sensitive child and have tried variations on many of these themes to help her learn and cope. It depends on you and your child and how mean the other child is being. I would put these all in my tool box and use as I saw fit.

Life is hard for very sensitive boys (and their mothers) but trying to toughen them up deprives them of who they are and all of us of their gentle natures.

I still have hope of a kinder future....

It's hard to explain it to a 6 year old and just like most other things, kids don't think you were ever young, you don't understand and they're not listening. I didn't have a hard time explaining it to my GD because she saw it for herself the very first time! Friend said "I don't like you. I'm not your friend anymore." GD comes in very upset. I say to her "that will change. by tomorrow it will be like nothing ever happened." She, of course, did not believe me.

She kept watching her friend out the window playing with other neighborhood kids. She watched for a while, then went back outside. As soon as she got out there, friend was all nice again like nothing ever happened. That night, GD and I talked and she now realizes that that is just something that some kids say and she doesn't take it to heart anymore.

It was easy for me because it came full circle within a very short period of time. Just keep telling him; at some point it will click.

I have always taught my girls to give it back a bit (verbally) and then decide if they want to even try to be friends with that person again. They have never wanted to go back for more. Once a child decides that another kid is not treating them the way they want to be treated the problem is solved, find other friends.

Guess what happens eventually? The power is taken from the bratty kid. They find someone else to try to hurt and the child who decided they were better than that ends up earning respect from others. It takes strength and time but I've seen it play out many times in my own life and my kids.

Talk to your son about control and power. Why some people like to try to hurt others and about what type of friends he wants to have. Practice what he might say the next time the kid is mean and practice helping him to reach out to other kids to play with. You will never control his environment but you can help him learn to control his own response to it.

I have to say that I'm not sure even at that age that friendships should be so up and down. I have a 3rd grader and 1st grader and knock wood, there hasn't been much of this or anything so extreme. This boy sounds not nice and I'd do everything you can at this point to steer your son away. You say you don't like the boy and I'm not sure this kid will outgrow this type of behaviour any time soon. I'd keep doing what you're doing but another layer of "Johnny doesn't seem like a nice kid a lot of the time. Some people aren't. How about playing with Stevie? Want to have him over?" And keep trying to help him develop other friendships. I have girls but I thought they were the mean ones... Knock wood again but my girls have friends for years they've barely ever had a spat with nevermind outright meanness. A few not so nice thing with other friends but very much the minority of the time. So my point is to go with your gut that this kid is a twerp and get your son away permanently as much as possible until maybe they're older and your son can fend for himself more. That's my opinion...

This is when children are learning how to navigate friendships. They don't understand that it's all right to like someone one day and like them a bit less the next day or prefer to play with someone else for a little while. Our own children do the same thing, and so do we. It's just that we, as adults, have (hopefully) mastered how to be more polite about it.

Unfortunately, our children don't have the words to express to each other, "I need a little break from you but it's nothing personal. I just feel like playing with Jake today. Maybe we can play tomorrow."

or

"Sorry, Josh, but I'm feeling really grumpy today. I'm not in the best mood to play and I don't feel like sharing. Maybe you should play with Jaydon today instead of me."

Kids just don't have those words.

You could talk to your son about friendships. Get a book from the library. Discuss what makes a good friend, how to be a good friend, and how to surround yourself with people who like you. Friendships ebb and flow and if your son is reporting that this child is mean, then maybe ask your son, "Why do you want to be friends with someone who is mean to you?" If he says it's because they have always been friends, you can say something like, "Sometimes people stop being a friend and you need to find new friends instead." Or "Maybe you should focus on your other friends who are nice to you."

You can't really "explain" it to him it's just something he needs time and practice to learn, like any other social skill.
Oh that's too bad, it sounds like Johnny is not being very nice...how about Sammy? Why not ask him if he wants to play?
Keep talking to him about what it means to be a good friend, and keep reminding and encouraging him to play with other kids. Set up a few play dates with other boys and/or get him involved in sports or some other activities outside of school.
The less focused he is on this one boy and the busier he is with other friends the easier it will be for him to move on.

Let your son figure it out. A large group of us went through elementary school, jr high and highschool. There was one friend who would be nice and the next second be really crule. She acted like this all the way through highschool. Although I tried always being nice to her then eventually just ignoring her all together. I had a highschool job with this girl and she still ran hot and cold. I realized then seeing how she was with boys that the beautiful girl was insecure. It truly had nothing to do with me at all but it was all her. Yes highschool was a long time to figure out why she didnt like me and ran hot and cold. My parents might have explained to me some ppl just arent worthy of being friends. But truly this is something we have to figure out on our own.

You could ask him questions like " what makes you a good friend" and write down what he says. Then ask him does his friends have these same qualities? Just using these answers he might see the light in his own words.

I always went with showing them how they do it to other kids. That usually is enough for them to understand that it isn't them it is just they don't have fun.

Most kids don't connect why they say no they don't want to play with someone with how they feel when kids say no to them.

Of course to pull this off you have to be willing to accept your kid does it to and point that out. I know a fair few that will go to their grave with my child always plays with everyone. Yeah right, and I have a bridge you may be interested in. There is not a person on earth who gets along with everyone and there is nothing wrong with that.