The Balance Between Protecting Family and Practicing Your Beliefs

Been there. I can totally relate. My husband is a pacifist and rarely, if ever, confronts people in those types of situations. And as much as that drives me nuts at times, he is also kind and sweet with me and my daughter. So, it balances out. I am the one with the temper who would have been ticked off (like you were). I typically try to control my temper when I'm with my daughter because I know the way I react in situations will teach my daughter how to react when she's an adult. Sometimes you just can't reach people, and it sounds as if this was one of those cases. You are not wrong for being upset, but try not to let it eat you up. Life is not always fair, but it is short.

I'm sorry, but you really don't know who you're dealing with. There are all kinds of crazies out there, not to mention, these men probably came from the beer tent at the Sterling Fest and you know how people can get when they've been drinking. That is an opporutity for you to speak with your child about how wrong those men were and I'm sure you teach your child right from wrong by practicing what you believe in your own home. Children are going to hear fowl language but it's up to you and your husband to teach them about those "bad" words. I think crossing the street and not saying anything more was your best choice. It kept your family safe.

I think you can protect your family and still have your integrity and stand up for what you believe. Your husband is right. You don't know who you are dealing with and what they are capable of. Is it really worth your child or yourself being harmed to stand up to these boys using profanity? What if they had attacked you and your child had been injured? Wouldn't you feel worse about that? Your 15 mos old did not know what they were saying and didn't understand how harmful such langague can be. If you had an older child (or when your daughter is older) you could wait until you were home and then discuss with them why such language is wrong and harmful. Often such language goes right over their head and you are really better off not discussing it, because you are in effect bringing it to their attention.

If something was physically harming your family, it would be a different story. For example, I ask people to stop smoking around my children, for example when we are at the zoo.

I think you and your husband both made good points. I think that for safety reasons, your husband was right to have your family walk across the street and ignore those men. But it's also important to maybe discuss with your kids why those young boys were so wrong rather than simply letting it go. My husband is a police officer and so he's always very wary of strangers. He never wants me to confront anyone (especially with my daughter around) because so many people will physically attack you. I think it's just as positive for you to completely ignore those ignorant boys and teach your child to do the same. Words only have power if we allow them to have power. And by ignoring those who use profanity and degrading language, we are acting as if they don't matter in our world (which they don't). Sometimes silence CAN be just as strong as a verbal reaction. And in this case, it was also for the safety of your child.

I get where your coming from. I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut for safety reasons, as I am pretty out spoken. The only reason I agree with your husand is for the following: You had your children with you and you do not know what could have happened. You would have put yourself, your husband and most importantly your kids at risk by saying something. And the family in front of you and their kids by your choice not theirs. Now if you want to confront someone when your on your own and are willing to take on all of the what if's... then that is your choice. But when you do or say something that can affect others you need to think twice. What you did by crossing the street was smart and safe and that is what I would have done, even though I would have like to body slam the 3 ignorant dorks walking behind you. Just take a deep breath and think about how your choices are going to affect everyone else and do the safest thing, sometimes hard, but as we become adults get married, have children, I believe we have figured out we are not invincibale like we thought in our childhood years.

Good Luck and I hope there is NOT a next time!
J. in Macomb

You are a better woman than me. I'm not sure I could have kept my mouth shut. We were at a festival with my parents and some boys were using profanity while in line at the porta-potties. My dad and son were standing in line next to them and my dad politely asked them to clean up their language. The boys then proceeded to say, "come on you old man, you want to fight?" My dad is over 6ft and 200+ so I can see where your hsb is coming from. I think you did the right thing by crossing the street. Your child was not subjected to this terrible language or a confrontation. It's a shame these boys had no respect for the people around them. Thanks for sharing!

I see your point, but I would tend to agree with your husband. It's one thing to stand up for your beliefs in a safe environment, but in that situation, you just never know.

You said, "if anything were to happen at least I know I have integrity/ character and stood up for my beliefs."

If one of them took offense to your admonitions and got violent, possibly injuring or killing your husband or child, would you really still agree with your above statement? I don't think so.

Another thing to consider...your child will do as you do. If you're in the habit of confronting strangers, he or she will be as well. However, you might have the sense to bite your tongue when the situation looks particularly "iffy", while your child may not understand that distinction.

Hi-

I am the same way! When something effects me I can not bite my tounge, my husband knows how I am and usually to keep the peace he says somthing first. Because he usually is the calmer person, I always speak my mind and agree with you, you would at least have your integrity and who knows maybe those men would think next time they are around children.

I think your husband has a point. You don't know what you are dealing with in a situation like that. Crossing the street and removing yourself from the situation was the best thing to do. Had you said anything, you don't know if these people have had too much to drink, are on drugs or are just plain wierd. Their reaction could have been dangerous to you and your family. It's too bad people think they can just say anything regardless of the little ears that can hear it. Crossing the street kept you away from the profanity and kept you from saying anything...keeping you safe. Good job!!

You need to remove yourself from these freaks, you never know what they are capable of. Later when you are in a safe place explain to your child that there are all types of people and those are the people you need to avoid. They could have been drunk or on drugs and its better to put some distance between you.

I have to agree that sometimes we have to say nothing and get away from the situation - you don't know what a confrontation would bring about and you do have your own safety, and that of your children to consider.

I've been one to shoot disapproving looks towards ones speaking inappropriately among children - and it usually works. I've also removed myself from the situation (let those people pass, or find a different route). I've said "there are kids around!" and other times that I've loudly complained to whoever I was with about the 'bad seeds' around us. Really, it depends on the situation, where I am and all. I would never do it in a way to put my kids (or me!) at risk.

Sometimes, I'll even apologize before I ask them to not swear. Am I sorry? No....but it makes the request sweeter and shows them that I realize they can choose to say pretty much whatever they want and I'm asking a little favor. I've never had anyone refuse and most apologize back and do oblige.

Obviously the door was opened when they mentioned the kids...I probably would've turned around and smiled and said Thank You!! Or said "I'd appreciate that...kids repeat everything!". In any event, your hubby is right that you don't know how people will react - so if you do say anything, be as nice (and non-confrontational!) as possible.

When your kids are old enough and this happens (hopefully it doesn't, but...), you should let them know that you hold them to a higher moral standard that it's not okay to ever say certain words. Use experiences such as these to educate your children on right & wrong and what your expectations are for them.

Best wishes....

I have to side with your husband on this one. I do think it's vitally important to explain to your daughter, at a later time and in her terms, about people of the world and your beliefs. But in the safety of you and your family, protecting them by moving away was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, you just never know who you are dealing with. Better safe than sorry. Don't forget that moving yourselves away also makes a statement to your daughter...it's just not verbal.