My brother left his wife at this time last year. When he did, he immediately jumped into a new relationship. I am fairly certain he was in contact with this other woman before he left, though I know he would never "technically cheat." I also know she contacted him when she was going through a divorce.
Here's the thing, I am worried this woman will burn my brother. It is his ex from HS. I'm astounded that he is with her, because they broke up some 23 years ago, but she is recently divorced, two kids, and no real job (a teaching assistant). My brother, OTOH, after 20 years of marriage, has no dependents, just a giant house and loads of money. I am fearful she is latching on to my brother because of the mother hen nesting instinct, i.e. she has no nest and is in need of one. I really hope I am wrong, but I know if I was in her shoes, I would so be going after the wealthy ex-boyfriend from my past.
In any case, here's my question: we are planning a beach holiday with my parents for this summer. My mother asked me if I would be OK if my brother brought her along. My mom never used her name, and it was all "hush hush." We ended up having an open conversation about it, with me telling her my concerns about her latching onto my brother and then burning him (she burned him when they broke up before).
When I got off the phone, I sobbed. I am still so upset my brother left my SIL. She is a dear friend, and my brother handled the situation horribly. I am happy they aren't together now (they were terrible together), but I honestly don't know if I can go away for a week with "the home-wrecker," as my hubby teases. My brother LOVES kids. This other woman had her tubes tied, and I guess they have discussed using a surrogate. I hate the thought of my brother missing out on a cranky, bitchy wife. Why can't he have a regular mid-life crisis and pick up a 20 something hottie? Why a poor mother of two teenagers?
Complicating matters, we have invited my in-laws to join us, so I am just afraid it's all going to be super awkward. We will be in a little beach house, and even with 5 bedrooms, it's so little you are all just on top of each other....
I need suggestions on how to deal with my feelings. How do I stop feeling sad about my brother's situation and allow myself to be open to this new situation as a good thing? How do I get over my lack of trust of this woman. Do we have them both for dinner?
Thanks everyone. I had a good long cry last night and was able to sort through my emotions --hubby thinks I am being so emotional about this because I am PMSing, I have no clue, as I just got my period back after over 3 years with only one period between pregnancies!
In any case, there is lots going on here. I am worried I will like her and will betray my SIL by doing so --I loved this woman when we were kids. She also represents everything I fear! I am a SAHM that couldn't readily walk into a job where I could support myself and my children. Her situation could be mine, and it scares me to death.
A part of me also feels like it would just be easier if he followed the script (a 20 something with no baggage, young naive, but no giant mess). I know that's silly, but I just didn't expect that this is what he would want. It's so messy, and both my hubby and I think it is a giant disaster waiting to happen.....
BTW, my brother has handled the splitting of finances very nicely with my SIL. She had a good paying job herself (a teacher), but he genuinely cares for my SIL and just wanted a clean, easy break. He is buying her out of the house, and the only thing in it he wanted was his pots, pans and kitchen knives. (Of course she is beating them up, putting his expensive stuff in the dishwasher......) She has also been buying herself anything else she needs before their finances are truly split up. (a 2k fur coat, a new car, etc.) He doesn't care, he just wants to move on. My brother is a good guy most of the time, and I know I am still trying to deal with him not being so nice in this situation.
What my brother didn't handle well was the actual leaving. He left, but never had the guts to say "I want a divorce." He knew he wanted out, but just didn't have the guts. They were together 20 years. That just wasn't right. My SIL kept hoping he just needed time, that he would come back. He knew he never would (because of the "other woman."). But he couldn't just say that, he could only say "I don't know what I want."
In any case, my brother is coming to dinner tomorrow. I will ask him if and when he should bring his lady friend to dinner. My next issue will be: how to explain this to my soon to be 3 year old. She is already so confused!
"I really hope I am wrong, but I know if I was in her shoes, I would so be going after the wealthy ex-boyfriend from my past."
I think you need to reflect on this a little more.
Sorry about people not being respectful... I think maybe people are reacting to a perceived slight - even though you didn't intend one - you were just emotional when writing.
I'd be a little freaked out too if it were my brother and I had a different (but highly emotional) situation when we flew back home for my father's funeral. PRIOR to landing I just made up my mind that NO MATER WHAT HAPPENED I would let it go. I made the decision that nothing was worth getting into a heated/emotional disagreement with my family about even though I didn't agree with some of the arrangements, how my husband and I were treated (prior to arriving), etc. I would 'let it go'.
It's amazing what degree of calm comes over you when you 'let it go'.... and I'm a very verbal, opinionated person!! You can do it - if you want to. Good luck!
The way to manage your feelings IS to just get over it and stop being judgemental. I'm not sure what exactly you mean by "I hate the though of my brother missing out oun a cranky bitchy wife." Are you jealous that your brother seems to be happy for once in his life? Unless you know for sure that SHE is what caused his marriage to fall apart (which is highly unlikely, BTW), you have absolutely no right to call her a homewrecker. People stray from unhappy marriages for many reasons. I've never heard of anyone who was happily married and just happened to have an affair without any inside reasoning. I'm sorry to tell you, but you need to get off of your horse. Oh, and my SIL is a TA who works for not much more than $9 an hour only a few hours a week and (along with my BIL) has successfully raised two very wonderful children, one of whom is on his way to college next year...on her $9 per hour.
Anyone in their right mind would question what her true motives are. You have a lot of feelings going on; like she views brother as $$$ signs, she is a home wrecker, you miss your SIL, what are your inlaws going to think, your brother is possible thinking with another body part rather than his brain.
So you have 2 options; get to know her or don't get to know her. The more mature thing to do is get to know her since it's his life. I think you also may feel like you are cheating on your ex SIL.
Giver the 'home wrecker' the benefit of the doubt, everyone deserves that. Invite them over for dinner & keep an open mind. Get to know her because that's the right thing to do.
And a little personal story for you. My husband is a Nuclear Physicist, he never was married prior to me & no kids, came from a traditional family background. I on the other hand had a child at 17, was with the dad for 7 years but never married, my welfare ridden mom died very young from alcohol, never new my dad, only other family was 1 unwed sister with 2 kids from different dads. HOWEVER I was never on welfare myself, left my DD father cause he was going no where in life, worked at a minimum wage paying job for 8 years, barely any child support, worked my way up & saved up a nice deposit to build a house at 23 yrs old, helped my sister financially, raised my daughter on my own.
I HATE when people think I snatched up my now husband because he had a great degree from a prestigious school. In fact when we dated he was making hardly anything working at a college, had no savings. I paid for our entire wedding & paid off his school loans & his car & my car with the equity in my home. Of course now he has a fantastic job since he has a family to support. Just giving you something to think about.
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Well, you probably can't eat BOTH of them for dinner.....LOL.
Seriously, your brother is an adult and he is entitled to make his own choices and decisions, right or wrong.
My BFF since we were BORN is very successful, makes BOAT LOADS of money and met Mr. Joe Average and BAM! they were planning marriage. I had myself SICK that he as a no good gold digger after her money, season tickets 500K house.....but guess what? Once I got to know him...I love him! I totally see now WHY she fell for him...he's a great, funny guy that adores her. Give her a chance.
I will address the "awkwardness" of the beach house. Since your brother has "loads of money", why don't you suggest they rent a second beach house in the same area? That will give them the privacy they probably desire as well as make it less awkward for all of you. I would hate a vacation with that many different branches of a family in the same house, but at least this way, it won't be as awkward. You can still all have your meals together, but it won't be like you are all on top of each other.
I think you ought to wish your brother happiness and get over it. If he didn't have any child and HE left your sister in law, I would hardly worry about him "getting burned."
And really, you have no reason not to trust her. So she "burned him" in high school...well, they aren't in high school anymore, and everyone has grown up. So what if she's looking for a nest? She may truly have feelings for your brother and be so THANKFUL he would be able to provide for her.
A teacher's assistant IS a real job, btw. You are coming off as very snotty...I am so sorry to say it, because you are obviously upset, but I think you need to be supportive of your brother.
***EDIT*** I believe my answer WAS helpful...I think I suggested that you try to support your brother and accept that SHE may me a good woman and that HE is the one who left his wife (not the other way around) and as his sister, really, all you can do is support him. All I said was that you were coming off as snotty, and believe me, I was in your boat too...all snotty towards my brothers NOW WIFE (who I hate, and felt the same way about, only much stronger because she had NO job, was cheating on him, and everything else) and all my "nonsupport" did was push him away, when really he still needed his sister. I am not calling you a snot, I said you were coming off as snotty. I've been there and done that, too, and all I meant was that it doesn't help. And I really believe you shouldn't judge people's jobs, okay? Some people have a hard time finding somewhere better. And if you can afford beach house vacations, maybe you just don't understand that. I'm trying to help you, honestly. The truth hurts sometimes. And it hurt me too, so just try and look at my answer objectively.
Is your brother life and choice, if he's happy you should be happy too, why worry about his money?? Are hoping to get some??
I don't see nothing wrong here but your bad thoughts about " the money"
Think on they as a second chance to be happy don't you think?
Your brother is an adult. Although I think you have good reason to be concerned, you have no control over anyone he wants to date or anything he needs to do. Practice saying - I love my brother and I want him to be happy. If he is with her, he is most likely happy. The only person who is going to look bad by you pointing out potential flaws or possible future problems is YOU. It will only hurt the relationship between you and your brother.
However the situation looks from the outside, I wouldn't be so quick to lable her a home wrecker. Just because someone knocks on our door doesn't mean we have to answer it and leave with that person. It was his choice to end the marriage he was in.
Focus on having a good relationship with your brother without judgements and/or interfering. Look forward to the vacation as a time to spend with ALL your family. Get to know her a little better, you may even like her. Good luck.
Since when did money factor into a relationships? If the one who HAS money doesnt mind...why should it to you? Do you think a 20 year old "hottie" wont cost him?
My thought...stay out of it...its not YOUR husband...your brother is a big boy...let HIM figure it out.
As much as YOU love your SIL...that doesnt make your brother love her...for all you know...she made him unhappy.
Is he an adult? I don't get your concerns for a grown man.
There's a wonderful process called The Work, taught by Byron Katie, that helps resolve feelings that are causing us pain. If you'd like to examine your feelings from a unique and often amazingly effective direction, check out www.thework.org, and use the list of links in the lower right-hand section. There are free downloadable resources to help the process.
Ut oh, I am hurt, 'no real job'? I am a teaching assistant. It is very real to me when I get up everyday and go to work and get my checks.
You don't have to be happy about the situation...it may be neither good nor bad, it just is what it is. And the simple fact is that your brother is an adult and is free to live his life and make whatever choices he decides to make, even if nobody agrees with them. It's none of your business what he does with his life, and if he does end up getting burned, he should be adult enough to handle whatever consequences come his way. If he comes along on the vacation and wants to bring this woman along, I would be prepared to be gracious and mature about it, because if he is chipping in and contributing to the expense of renting the house, he should be able to bring a guest of his choosing. You may not trust her, and we all have a right to our feelings, but you need to just keep your feelings to yourself. If she is not the right person for him, hopefully he will figure that out on his own soon enough.
As for how you manage your feelings, I don't know - you just do. You make up your mind that you are going to be nice no matter what and then follow through.
Sounds like you and your brother are or have been really close and you are concerned with his life choices. Thats completely understandable. You could be having a hard time dealing with your emotions bc you were so close to his first wife too. Maybe you feel like meeting this new chick and enjoying her company would be a slap in the face to your ex sil. Divorce effects more then just the people going thru it. When my parents seperated I was 22 and married. My dad immediatly had a new GF who I also believe was some how apart of his life before the marriage ended. It just happened to quick! It was a long process for me to sort thru my true emotions bc I knew I had to be the rock for my mom, bro, sis. My hubby and I actually had to move in with my mom to help with my siblings. I didn't want to know this new GF at all and felt like it was her fault. I felt like if I even saw her I would be disrespecting my mom (my mom is more of a friend then a mom) After years I finally had to sit down and just sort thru all of my emotions and try to understand why I felt them. It got to a point where my dad wanted me to meet his GF and I had to make a decision. I had to take the guilt out of the pic that I would have if my mom found out and I had to take out how happy my dad would be if I met her and then really focus on how I felt. Turns out I really didn't have an issue with her, I was just carrying other peoples feelings and burdens around. Try to sort thru your pros and cons about this lady. Figure out if you are having feeling of guilt bc you loved you sil and feeling of concern bc you love your bro. Take those feelings out of the picture and try to find out what you truly feel on your own. Try talking it out with your hubby or a close friend and writing down what you feel and your reason for feeling it and does someone else effect this feeling. For example Im scared that I will like her, I dont want to like her, my ex sil will be upset if I like her. Good luck sweetie and don't let people on here get you down! Your going thru enough as it is!!
Some people believe in fate...
Try looking at it from a more romantic type of way...HS sweet hearts re-united after 20 years?
I think it sounds kind of sweet.
Does she make your brother happy? That is all that is important.
Don't worry about her burning him. Didn't he get burned by your ex SIL? He is a grown man. He has the right to make his own choices and it seems he has made his and that is her. Be happy for him and keep your fingers crossed that their relationship goes the distance and is real and true.
Being bitter about this will only do one thing...and that is bring a wedge between you and your brother...I am sure you do not want that, I wouldn't!
What a sad situation for all involved. I can imagine you care so much for your brother, even if you don't approve of his decisions. I guess it comes down to really how much you value your relationship with your brother. I've learned with my family members, that although I don't see why they've made the decisions they have, and why they continue relationships with people I'm not crazy about, it is THEIR decision. As a family member, we just need to accept it, support THEM & move on. You have valid concerns, and as far as the financial concerns, I would sit down with your brother & discuss these, just you and him. I also would try and view this as openly as possible and move forward, whether you approve or not. It could really harm your relationship with your brother if your not supportive of his decisions. Good luck to you!
i understand you are just trying to protect your brother. but i agree he is a big boy and can make his own decisions. you have to just let him be and let him do what he wants and be there for him "if" something doesn't go right, which hopefully everything will work out for him. high school was a long time ago. people change alot in 20 years.
in a way, i kind of agree with what the other people are saying, but at the same time, you were asked your opinion by your mother, if you dont feel like you could handle her being there then i think you should say so, talk to your brother, unless he is like mine, who are stubborn hard headed, and down right stupid balless little children, he should listen to what you think. this is a family event, and her being with him doesnt make her family, if for some reason it works out for them, then you owe her nothing but the required respect that you would give a total stranger. no faking nice or any of that. but as of right now, if they are not married, maybe they should go take their own vacation else where. ive had the same problem with my own brothers, and having been the other woman once myself, she should not for any reason expect anyone in the family to take this well, i bet you his buddies are cracking jokes on him as we speak, cause to them, an evil wife with no kids is better than a gold digging one with them.
