This Is the Father

Your son is very angry. I am a high school teacher and I see this all the time. He does not want your wife to be there. It is bad enough that you are not with his mom, but then you brought in someone else. Then you are gone all the time and he has to be with her. He does not know how else to show his anger. Imagine your wife coming home and telling you that she has a 2nd husband that will be living with you and that you should just be okay with it and you can all get along. Even if he was a very nice guy, I don't think you would be very happy. Then if you got unhappy, can you imagine your wife taking away every fun privilege you have?

Some family counseling is needed right away to help your son find healthier ways to deal with a very difficult situation. You need to acknowledge to him that you understand how upset he must be with the arrangement. The only time you spend with him should not be punishment. He needs his home to be one that he enjoys coming home to, a refuge from the world.

Can I ask a question to both of you. What kind of relationship does your wife have with this boy besides punishing him. Did your wife have chance to get o know him at all. Is there any fun here at all with this boy. They need to have a good relationship before this boy will ever take word. I think you all should be in counseling on how to be a happy family. Maybe this boy is not being respected by your wife. Maybe he can feel she does not like him so he rebels. I do not think at this time she will get anywhere with your son if things do not change here. You will be raising an angry child. They need to start new. Does your wife show that he cares for your son.

The key to solving this issue, I think, is so sit down with your son and wife together, and let your son know that you and your wife are a team and stand together in this.
It seems like you talk to him alone, and she talks/interacts with him alone, and no one is sitting down with him TOGETHER.
Sounds like also he's starting to want/need more independence and choices. This is completely natural and needs to happen so that he can become an adult.
Try giving him a little more freedom, because I've read your wife's (stepmom's) posts and I just get the feeling that she may be acting too strict/overbearing. Just ideas...

I dont know if this helps but I was a stepchild that was rather hard on my step parents. I agree you guys need to go to family counseling. The wife going in to "remind" him that she is why he is in trouble is very likely creating more of a resolution to mis-behave. Until you guys have been in counseling Dad should continue to be the only one to punish. One thing you can try (and be prepared for determination to not talk the first few times) is make him sit on the couch until he discusses how he is feeling and why he is behaving that way - Dad only wife should not be involved. He is not recognizing his step-mom as a parental figure and will not until he chooses too. The more it becomes a power struggle the more he will dig his heels in. Remember you cannot MAKE him do anything, you can deal out consequences but you cannot force him to do anything. I believe there are some issues with both the son and the current wife. You may also want to check with the boys real mother for re-inforcement (if she is in the picture). Sadly sometimes that is a big source of resentment. I hope this helps, the is my experience as a difficult Step-child and things I think would have/did help the situations.

I have to agree this seems like a parent issue and not a child issue. Your wife needs to take action during the day when you are not there. I typed something under her question as well. Both of you need to work together. Your son sees he is pulling you both in opposite directions and he knows he can get away with it. Is he underminding your wife's authority? You bet he is and what child wouldn't if they can get away with it. You should not always be the "bad" guy in this situation. I also agree you need to do some other type of punishment because just taking things away is not working. I hope you all do things together as a famly and do things the child might like to do. I believe the wife is his step mother and that could be an underlying problem as well. Maybe you all need to sit down and talk and not yell or scream at each other. Give him a chance to express what the problem is. You might be surprised. Good Luck to all of you.

Respecting an adult is different than discipline. They are two different issues and you will have to deal with both of them differently. If he doesn't show respect you need to find out why, and if it is just with her or is this how he is behaving in general. You can't force him, but you can find out what is going on and the best way to approach it. Consequences are important but they sometimes don't work as a cure-all.

This site is good for advice and tips, but every situation is different, as is every child. You may want to see what resources are available for you and your family as to counseling or classes. A lot of schools and other organizations can provide help in these areas. Life is different for children these days than it was for some of us growing up and how to be most effective can also be different.

Good luck to all of you. A blended family has its challenges,but you can make it work and work really well. We have done so and you can also.

I still am really not seeing this as the kids problem, I think it is an adult and parenting issue.

Dad you are doing more harm than good. First of all you need to make some time for your son. I can't believe you said , you don't know why your son doesn't get along with your wife. Of course he doesn't. Let me make the list...
1) She is not his mom
2) He resents her because she is not his mom,and she takes you away from him.
3) I'm sorry to say, but she sounds like she nit pic at him.
4) I don't know how long yall have been married but the disapline should be comming from you , in terms of your son. Not her.
You need to take the time to sit down or go somewhere with your child and talk to him about what is going on, Set the stage on how things are going to be and what consequence he will face from YOU if he acts up while you are at work. Listen to him, Ask him questions as to what he is feeling and why he thinks he is acting out with your wife. Let him tell you how he is feeling . He didn' ask to be put in this situation, he has no choice.

Here is a thought...quit blogging and see a counselor.

These three posts are ULTRA confusing. No "stranger" on a website will "fix" your problems...leave it to a professional.

I am a step parent and i will agree with Pat and Dh. My husband nit pics on things my son does and says he's being disrepectful . My son is never disrespectful , but for some reason my husband always finds flaws. That is our argument all the time. No i also have a step daughter and i catch myself feeling resentment towards her . I dont like being this way ,but i cannot help it . So telling you from experience i think your wife is in search of something wrong of your son. My husband does it to mine and i have recently started with his daughter..When dating there were never issues with our kids and we both had no complaints about the other ones kid. Just started when we got married . This is something i am not proud of and i try to change since i do not like it done to mine .I dont want her to think i hate her,cause i dont . I cant explain the feeling i get ,maybe a touch of jelousy (i dont even know why i feel that),and it drives me nuts when he jumps to what she wants ,especially being that she is 16 and wants expensive things and wont go down in price . Or he acts like she is better than everyone else and expects mine to do certain things and says he needs to learn responsiblity and that i have to teach him to work for things but she does not have to do the same? Blended family issues are the hardest thing. I try to tell myself just love her it's not her fault that you feel that way ,but it's something i feel i have no control over... So maybe your wife is feeling the same thing. I think counseling is needed for us and i think that would help out with yall issues as well. It's not good for the kids or your relationship...take it from me i know.

Someone below mentioned family counseling. That's really what needs to happen. Divorce and remarriage is hard on ALL children. Check with your employee assistance program at work--sometimes you can get a certain number of sessions free, if money is an issue. Your son may have to work through his resentment issues before he is able to really understand that his step mom should be respected.

You guys have posted 3 times but do not mention the age of your son. This matters in how you deal with the problem. The fact that he says he doesn't want to stop what he is doing to do what your wife wants is the main issue. He would pull this with anyone.

Your wife does need to be firm, but your son needs immediate consequences for his not listening.

What about sitting everyone down on a Saturday or Sunday and setting some new family rules. Give your son all of his privileges back. Wipe the slate clean and start from scratch.

Your wife and you need to agree to the rules before you present them to your son. Make sure he understand each and every one of them. Make sure he knows that when your wife is the parent at home, she will be the one dishing out the consequences. Make sure everyone is clear on what consequences are going to be. Make sure your exwife is in on everything, because he is going to tell her everything and maybe not the right way.

Good Luck.

How old is he? How long have you been together? How long have you been married? My stepson is 16, and we just started seeing some positive attitude changes this year. Before then, his father had to stay on him...once he got on him in the first place. (That's another story, because he dragged his feet about that.) A person who does not have the relationship with the child will not be able to oversee effective discipline. Oftentimes I've been in the same room as my husband "got on him" about something, but I have kept quiet. It would only build resentment for me to chime in. There were a few things at play--1. At a certain age, it takes the same-sex parent (or parental figure) to really get their attention. 2. He has relationship with his biological parent and not so much with me. That means that it would actually do more harm than good for me to tag team with his father when he's already "in trouble". All he needs to see is that his father and I are in agreement about how things were being handled; that does not necessarily require me to coment. 3. He needed to see that it wasn't just me being mean or disliking him, but that his father did have something to say about how he was treating me.

Yes, your son needs to know that he must behave respectfully toward your wife. When you are not there, he needs to know that she is the one in charge. No, she should not call you; you are NOT deciding a fight between your children. She is your partner and equal to you. When you are gone, she is in charge. Period. He should see that in your actions, your trust in your partner. I think that you two should definitely get some parenting counseling together so you can be on the same page. Your son cannot be expected to navigate through the mess if you guys don't have clarity yourselves.

When you punish your child your wife should be there. You should both determine what the punishment is and carry it out together. If you are punishing your child without your wife in the room, you are sending the message that you are the disciplinarian. Why would your son listen to your wife when he thinks that he doesn't have to answer to her. You both should show a unified front and talk to him about what's going on.
Also in answer to one of the earlier posts from your wife, she should not constantly be reminding him of what he did. Once the punishment is carried out, let it go and only bring it up again if he does the same thing again. Since taking things away is not working, how about carrying out a different form of punishment? Ex: Keep a chart of everytime he gets in trouble and each time cost him 1/2 hour. Those hours are to be used on the weekend maybe volunteering somewhere.

Make sure your son feels like your he is a part of the family with your wife. He may think of her as your wife and not his stepmother. Start doing family things together and spend quality time together letting him see you are all together in this. And then whenever he does get in trouble, come up with the punishment together and explain to him why he is being punished and that you both feel this is appropriate.

Good luck!

everything you both are saying is the same. the wife really needs to get a grip on your son. this is normal life for him. to do what he wants, get in a bit of trouble in the evening then poof back to normal. i would find out what the root of the anger/disrespect is towards the mother. it could be as simple as he can get away with it. or it might be something more. it seems to be a really big issue. personally i would have him scrubbing the house clean. chores every day for a week. taking stuff away dosent seem to help. he should pitch in.

you are undermining your wifes authority. I am a step mom and had 2 teenage step kids that did the normal step kid things with me. They could push thier mom around and expected me to be pushed around too. you need to give her discipline and not to be mean she needs to be very harsh in punishment. and if he still does not mind her then she calls you and you increase the punishment for not listening.

if she takes away ex the x box and he plays it anyway she needs to take the power cord from it. and then when you get home to back her up for him not minding you need to swat or ground or whatever you do. extend the grounding for another week since he doesnt think he has to mind her. (ps they will look for the power cord put it in between the matress and box springs)

no kid is going to admit there is a problem because they know there will be discipline if they admit to it. you CANNOT make him respect her SHE HAS TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE HIM RESPECT HER. you just back her decision.

if he doesn't want to do his chores( i used this on 2 teenagers who tried to treat me like thier maid) he is old enough to cook hot dogs so he can fix his own dinner. if he doesnt have to do his chores she doesnt have to do hers. (worked like a charm with a 14 and 16 yr old.) if he cant put his clothes in the clothes hamper she does not wash them. if he cant pick up his trash and dirty dishes she picks them up for him and puts them on his bed. one way or another he has to pick up his own stuff. no matter how long it takes him. she won't have to tell him too in order to sleep he has to clean off his bed. :) My teenage step sons started cleaning without being told after i did this.

and when you get home from work and he is cleaning off his bed ask him why he is cleaning off his bed and make him explain to you it was because he didn't mind her. and discipline accordingly. (you already know the reason he doesn't know that though.) if her tatics aren't working you two need to come up with tatics when he is in bed on how to handle him. have her keep switching tatics with him and keep him guessing what she is going to do next.

if he doesn't pick his toys up let her pick them up in front of you and him and they go in the trash or to a thrift store. take away everything but his bed and clothes out of his room. if he decides he is going to watch tv in the front room anyway have her take away the cable cord while he is at school and until he treats her with respect he doesn't get it back.

I am old fashioned and definately believe in swats. she has to learn to reverse the roles on him. you have to be active in this only you two know what is going on. you 2 have to outsmart him. you know what makes him tick do what he is not expecting. part of this is an age thing. part of this is a step kid thing. and you need to figure out what is the reason he doesn't respect women. you not her. tell her his answer and you two act accordingly. but don't do this in front of him. let her reward him for being good. ice cream or whatever but he still doesn't get his tv back.

Remeber in his mind she is replacing his mother and she is destructing his plans to get you and mom back together. Does he also do this to his mom? I bet he does. if mom disciplines enforce at your house too. make him go to the store instead of her. make him buy the groceries (give him money and a list) wash only enough dishes for you and her to eat off of and make him wash his own. (hide the rest of the dishes leave out 3 of everything. if he is hungry he will wash his own plate or do without. it is now his choice. I recommend to both of you the book tough love. good luck been there and I feel for her and you both.

No your wife should not call you every time there is an issue. You both need to discuss and agree on how and when you are going to discipline your son. During the day if your son acts up, your wife needs to punish him at that time. She also has to mean what she says and follow through with the punishment. Giving 10 warnings and then trying to punish is not going to work. 1 warning, then a tim out (or whatever you decide is best.) Time outs are often a good tool, a child should be in time out no more than 1 minute per year of life (so if he is 5, his time out is 5 minutes.)

I definitely think a counselor can help the 3 of you adjust. Also here is a great book that helped my family: If you get a chance, watch Super Nanny she has some great tips and tricks too.

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Rex-F...

Family counseling. You all need it.