Trying to Avoid a Divorce

I am a firm believer in the saying "what goes around, comes around"! I think that you will come out on top if you just let things fall into place. I know that is extremely hard, but the more you argue & try to pull him to you, the more he is going to pull away from you. If he ends up back with his Ex-wife then that is exactly what he deserves! It makes you look desperate if you beg him to stay with you. In the end I think he will be the one begging. It may be begging for you & then again it may be begging his Ex-wife to stop cheating on him AGAIN! I think you did the right thing by filing for divorce! Don't let him come back even if he wants to! Show him what a strong woman you are! Best wishes!

Please do not apologize to him and take all of the blame. If he reaches out to you, then, you can both apologize to each other. Whatever you do, don't beg for him to come back. You are so much better than that! He has too much baggage and drama attached to him. If he could leave you so easily over one event, then he was already thinking of it. I am so sorry that you are going through this, to have to reach the level of stress that triggers a panic attack. It sounds to me that it will be difficult to get over this one, but you may be better off without him and his drama. Divorce is not an easy option, but it's better for the kids than to be fighting all of the time in front of them. Good luck, I hope you find a solution.

OMG! Run as fast as you can! No, wait...he's running. Okay, thank your lucky stars!

Sounds like they SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO deserve each other!

Hi S.!
If your husband has made up his mind to reunite with his former family whether for the children or for any other reason, it is unlikely you can stop him.

On the other hand, if he has known you for two years and lived with you for one year, he must have had a pretty good idea of how you would react to his news. If he chose to spring it on you in front of his kids it would seem he was either using them to buffer your response or to provoke just the kind of blamable reaction he got. Either way, causing any child suffering to manipulate a person or situation, is just plain wrong.

I've been married twice, its a pain in the neck. Apologize to ur husband for the scene, but dont force him to stay w u, if he is so willing to divorce u now he probably never loved u. If he really loves u he will want to be w u. Good luck!

Is your husband willing to go to counseling with you? No one can persuade him to return to his former wife if he doesn't want to. If he truly loves you, why would he go back to a woman who cheated on him? When all else fails, ask your self the Ann Landers' question - Am I better off with him, or without him? The future weeks and months will be difficult for you, you must find someone you can talk to and/or perhaps seek individual counseling. Don't forget the power of prayer!

Gather up all his/your stuff and sell it on eBay or at a Yard sale and take the proceeds and move back home with your family. I had a similar thing happen in my first marriage. If it weren't for my "pride," I would've done the same. I stayed in an abusive (mentally) relationship for 6 years (3 married).
If he loves you, he'll come for you. Since the affair was hers not his, he may still be in love with her and married you on the rebound. Trust me it is a "hard pill to swallow" , but some times the truth hurts!

Regardless of how long you've been together it's clear he is not too sure about his feelings for you. Remember that it was NOT his choice to end his marriage to his ex-wife, he had to because she decided to traumatically break their family. So now that she is available again he may be in turmoil, having second thoughts about your marriage etc..it's normal when kids are involved (and, boy, were you wrong to get hysterical in front of them...ouch - well, it's done now, forgive yourself). The only advice I can give you (personal experience) is DEFINITELY to let him go and let him make up his mind freely, that means without any interference from you.
I don't see another choice for you, because in the end you do not want to be married to somebody who is not in it for good at 100%. Let him go, if he comes back he'll be yours, if he won't, he has never been yours, so look confidently at the future: even if you can't tell now, happiness is ahead.It may just be that he needs to find out by himself why his marriage to the other woman did not work (besides her cheating). I am sure there are many complicated reasons. Let him do his research while you go on with your life...make it richer (in interests, work, friendships etc) for yourself and try to avoid loneliness. It may be that YOU discover why HE was not good for you. A good book in the meantime: Robin Norwood "Women that love too much" (or something like that, ask the librarian) Hang in there and good luck!

WOW! I can't believe everyone is telling you to apologize to him. I probably would have thrown more than just a plate if he told he that too. Men love to play the psychology game with us way too often and he's using this incident to his advantage. Whether you threw a plate or not, he would have used another excuse to leave. As hard as it is to let him go, you have to. I've been through this much too often to know that he's trying to blame you for everything so that would be his excuse for leaving. It sounds to me that he wants to go back to the ex-wife. I agree with one of the previous persons that he probably still loves her as hard as that may sound. She's using him because she no longer has anyone. He needs to make his mind up if whether he wants to be with you or not. When she's no longer interested in him, she'll drop him like a hot potato ( and it will happen). I sure wouldn't stick around to wait and see. Its very hard to let go of someone you love but do you honestly want to wait around for someone who's going to continue to go back to the ex-wife everytime something goes wrong?

Please do yourself a favor and get into counselling and take care of yourself first and see what happens after that. You have a long road ahead of you, whether you stay married or not, you have to heal yourself and your insecurities. It isn't easy being away from family & friends. Do you have a church family? How about a woman's bible study? Woman can help you through this process, support you and love you until you can love yourself. What about a divorce support group, even tho' you are not divorced, you may find support from other woman going through this difficult time. I wish you the best.

Stop acting irrationally. You are probably scaring him away. You should apologize to the kids and him for your throwing and never do that again. You must control yourself, thats the only thing you can control. As for him be nice and try to be the friend he needs. He's being pressured in a way no one should be pressured. No one should tell someone go back "for the kids sake". Thats not fair at all for him. His ex could be saying anything to his kids and thats a lot of pressure and an immense amount of guilt for any parent. Try to see things from his perspective and think about how you can emptionally help him. Try to get him to remember why he loves you. If he doesn't then there's nothing you can do. Control your emotions and do what you can. Maybe try to reach out to your family.

Take care, J.

Ugh. That is a pretty tough situation for you to be in. The history he has with the ex-wife may be significant enough for him to want to try to repair it. The betrayal by his ex may be significant enough that he doesn't want to repair it. Clearly, your behavior was significant to him -- and it was a bit over-the-top: those kids have had enough tumult in their lives regarding the grown-ups who are supposed to protect and love them. They shouldn't have had to see something like that -- and he shouldn't have you be one of his kids. Marriage is partnership, friendship, you two against the world, you know?

Is he talking to you at all? I think if I were in your shoes I would get myself into counseling. Let him know that you're seeing a counselor (to make you the best "you" you can be) and that you would like for him to come to some sessions with you so you can discuss your marriage and work towards a resolution. That your hope is that you two will reunite and have a stronger marriage but, even if the resolution is separation, you need to not be in limbo.

Good luck to you. I know today is hard. Just keep your eye on a year from now or two years from now. What you want is a happy ending. Even if some of the story has tough times in it, if you get the happy ending (whatever that may be), you've done well.

I think your husband is doing you a favor! Run, don't walk to your nearest attorney. He comes with way too much baggage to make this work and he is looking for a reason to blame it on you rather than take any responsibility in this at all. Not the kind of man I'd want to be married to.

I feel for you S.. Most likely this is a relationship that will never work. Seems he was never over her. 14 years and 3 kids are hard to move on. She will always make his life miserable. Seems as though she didn't want him until now she realizes he found someone else. Run as fast as you can. There is someone else out there for you, that will love you without all the baggage. And do, get yourself counseling not because you are mental or anything like that just so you can avoid getting into this situation again. I have been to counseling many times BY MYSELF w/o my husband and it has helped me so much!

First of all honey you were very wrong for blowing up like that after reading that email you might of proved the ex-wife right by acting like that make sure he knows you are sorry. And if you believe in God your going to have to fall on your knees and pray for your marriage change your attutide stay strong be strong for whatever is going to happen no more angre with the husband and not infront the kids.If you really love a person it doesn't just fades. But for sure you can get confused and don't know which direction to turn. I hope you both believe in God because your husband need to turn to God for the correct answers not friends and not family the bible say a man can divorce his wife if their is cheating so he shouldn't feel gilty for being devorce from his first wife. But when you are married like how you and ur husband is now he is not suppose to just throw you away under God that is wrong. You need to fall on your knees for your marriage and show your husband you are their for him no more acting out because of what you are putting in your own head. I will pray for you and your Husband I pray he makes the right decision. No games, No tricks all you need to do is pray No attutide, No fighting prepare your heart for what ever is going to happen and have faith he makes the right decision. I hope this helps.

S., it is not fun or easy being in love alone. You can not make anyone want you. Start to love yourself. Love yourself to the point that you do not have to settle for less than you deserve. Their are some good men out their. Get connected to a good Christian church. When one door closes another one open.

Wow-"insignificant" it's very nice for her to say such considering that YOU were the one there with him while she spread her legs to a man other than her own husband-yeah that's right -
SHE IS A CHEATER!!! While he had to face the heartbreak and deciet and decided to move on with his life I'm sure she didn't care but now that the other man is gone-she has no one else to fall back to except him. Excuse me for being so rude but c'mon now doesn't he see that she is just using him? Does he want to be her "fall-back" man? That is exactly what he is going to allow if he decides to go back with her. Maybe she is truly sorry for what she did but you know what- a little too late in my opinion. I think she is filling his head with so much garbage he couldn't decide for himself even if he wanted to. I think the best thing for him to do at this point is step away from both situations and seek counseling to help him figure out his feelings. At this point he is angry and I saw some other post about how love just doesn't "fade". In my opinion I think that love is a "choice". You make a choice each and every day to be with someone and sometimes the love does indeed fade but that is where you have to keep your faith strong and trust in god to put you where you need to be. You should step back yourself-go get the book "The Love Dare" from the movie Fireproof. Let go and let God and you shouldn't feel ashamed for "losing" it. It may not have been the right thing to do at the time especially in front of the kids but it's also human nature-pray to God to help you with the anger and self control and it will get better but considering the circumstances I don't know that I would have been able to control myself either. Even if I was the most holy christian woman alive. He is just using that as an excuse to "escape" why I can't answer that and at this point I don't think he can either. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak-you can't make someone stay who doesn't want to. Would you honestly want him to come back knowing he could be having sex with the ex? Don't allow him to do this back and forth deal. Lay it on the line-tell him you still love him and that you hope he can realize her true intentions but that you suggest him to step away from both situations for awhile and seek counseling to figure out things because it is not fair to you or to his ex....once he makes that final decision no going back-it's over and it's time for YOU to take care of YOU and move on but don't sit back and "wait" on him to make a decision either. Lay the rules down according to what you are most comfortable with-such as I give you 6 months, 2 weeks, whatever. This is YOUR life and if he wants to go back to his ex and set himself up for even more heartbreak then let it be. At least you can concentrate on being with someone else that wants to be with you-you deserve better.

S.
The guy has left you. He has been seeing his ex-wife without your knowledge for a while I am sure. Had you not seen the email, you would have never known what they were up to. As much as I hate to say it, you really don't have a say. He is gone. Chances are she will cheat on him again. That is the lifestyle he is signing up for. It seems like she cheated WITH him on the guy she left him for. They deserve each other. Don't take him back, take your power back. You had every right to get upset about it. He is just looking for an excuse to leave. Had it not been the blow up, it would have been something else.
When I left my 1st husband I had been planning it for months. He was abusive. Right after our last fight I had had enough and left. I didn't have all the money I wanted saved up, but it was enough to get by on. All am saying is that he probably planned to leave you before you threw the plate.

I hope you two do not have children together. It would be nice if you could make a clean break. Girl take your half and move on. You'll be someone elses sweet thang in 2 years.

I know this makes you sad, I hope you can find some comfort in the month to come.

Honestly he'd either come back to not pay child support or to become a couple again and then kids you by the curb and have the upper hand. I took back my first husband (no kids) after he was cheating and doing drugs. Then after 3 months of "working it out" he came home high got his hand gun (thank god my girlfriend was their visiting me) proceeded to point it at me and ask for my wedding rings. I gave them to him my girlfriend hit him I ran into the bathroom then struggled for the gun (she had police training in vocational school) I called the cops. They couldn't find the gun while they were looking I moved my clothes out. He wanted the house I wanted free from him (no house is wroth a life). He went on with filing for divorce. Needless to say he had already planned this and got what he wanted. The house, his drugs and a girlfriend too do them with him. Thank god I had my friend their who knows what would have happened.

My point is it's rare after the situation that you have described for me to believe that all the sudden he's changed his mind and wants to make a change and better life with you. Let him and his ex do on with their emotional problems, you go get some talk counseling and move on with your life for the better without drama. Trust me there is a better life waiting out there for you. Close this door so the window will open on a better situation.

S., I have never been married, BUT I HAVE HAD MY SHARE! Been in a relationship for 3 yrs, and had similar issues. We were engaged, but seems like the ex wife kept popping up. And causing drama. They have two kids together, and were married for 17 yrs. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. I don't agree with anyone to tells you apologize to him. Apologize to the children. Afterall, what should you be sorry for. I feel as though when a man puts his foot down with any ex, that woman would not even think twice about sending emails like that, calling in the middle of the night or anything else. When a man entertains that type of behavior is when another woman feels as though it's ok be disrespectful like that. If he left then let him go. You can do bad all by yourself dear. I am the first one to understand how hard it is, and how much it hurts. I don't care with anyone that says its ok, its better to have someone and be miserable, than to be alone. Time and understanding heals all wounds. You have to seriously sit down and think about what's important to YOU, and not allow anyone to make that decision for you. If he comes back, will you trust him? Will beign apart for awhile give you all time to work things out, and mend issues? Are you just really fed up? I will tell you what has worked for me (in my relationship)

He use to threaten me with leaving,and would and I would break down and settle for the behavior I was unhappy with. I got tired. The last time we got into it, I allowed him to go and I didn't put a fight. I stopped all the games, and the going back and forth. I changed my locks, and left it alone. It burned me up so bad, and I cried for days. I was miserable. BUT THEN...A peace. I had peace. I have been holding onto that peace and he is doing a turn around. I stood my ground, when he expected the opposite. I guess he realized the grass is not always greener on the other side. It's still a work in the process months later, and I have not allowed him to some back except for the nights I work and he keeps the kids at my house. Even then, he is on the couch. Hope this helps...I wish you the best and I hope you find your way. And remember to pray for ANSWERS!