So my husband works for a very small company (12 people) which takes pride in their "relaxed" atmosphere. He has come home saying some of the things the bosses say for pure shock value (I'm guessing) and it's quite unprofessional. Unfortunately some of the other employees have taken on this "relaxed" approach which my husband seemed to be going along with for the first 6 months or so. I believe its been an eye opener over time just how unprofessional this place is. It seems the married owner lusts after a 25 year old office girl and the girl responds in a joking sort of way and go back and forth with their sexual innuendos and both her & the owner have made some super inappropriate comments directly to my husband (together and separately) and tried to involve him to come down to their level. Other than looking elsewhere for a job (which my husband is doing) do you have any advice in the meantime on how to handle the comments? I've tried writing it off as she's young and probably just likes the attention but when she's constantly trying to start a conversation with my husband in a flirty way its very awkward because he's trying to be nice and not rude but they are over the top in the type of conversation they are trying to engage him in. Isn't this how affairs start, or maybe they are having one already (the owner and office girl)? Its just a super uncomfortable situation for my husband to be in but he doesn't want to cause any harm to his job but wants to firmly put this to rest without feeling bullied into engaging her or the owner in their unprofessional conduct. As the wife, I feel really uncomfortable knowing what kinds of things the owner talks about with this girl and the way they both try to engage in such a playful manner with my husband. Any advice would be great!
Thank you for the helpful insight. Unfortunately the HR dept would be the flirty female or the owner so that's why I believe its a lost cause. It seemed at first they were just testing him to see how far they could push it but at this point I believe their priority is having a "fun" atmosphere. To each their own I guess. I love the idea of recording some of the conversations but not sure how well that would go over, I don't think my husband would press charges on anything like this because he's a male and feels like he's the wet blanket of the company. It's an unfortunate situation because he really likes the work but you can't change someones personality :(
I'm praying for other opportunities to be open quickly!
Thank you!!!
Update***
Husband got a new job before the holidays, I couldn't be more thankful!!! <3 <3 <3
His boss and coworker are breaking the law. How he wants to deal with it is his decision, but this kind of suggestive banter and sexual teasing are illegal in the workplace, is there no HR to talk with? He might want to mention that to them, because he could sue them for creating an atmosphere where he is uncomfortable, even threatened, by their conversation and suggestions to him.
UGGGH I've worked at a company or two of this size. IMO I would leave.
You said 12 employees and the owner is setting the sexual tone so IMO there really isn't any options other than leave. He could make a comment like "I know you think this is all just a joke but comments like that are disrespectful to my marriage and to yourself" HOWEVER, I think this would easily open him up to termination - illegal or not there he is without a paycheck until he finds a new job. And then he has to decide if he wants to sue and if he has enough evidence. No thank you, I'd find something else before the year is over.
The problem here is that the owner is involved in this activity, and there's no HR department to intervene. Perhaps your husband could rebuff the comments by saying, "You know, I make it a professional practice not to engage in any suggestive talk which could come back to hurt me or the company the second someone gets offended and reports this illegal activity to the local commission against discrimination" (use whatever your state agency is that covers this). "One of these days, someone (an employee, a customer, a visitor) is going to go to the authorities and it's going to be very expensive for the company. I don't want to be called as a witness so I'm not participating." Then he changes the subject or goes back to his office. He has to say it in a non-judgmental way, just showing his concern for the company's bottom line.
Your husband should just keep his head down and his mouth shut. As long as he's doing his job he doesn't need to engage in their, er, social activity. Once they realize he's not into their game they'll stop trying.
Your husband has likely become quite the challenge for this young lady. All he can do is keep things on a professional level and continue to seek employment elsewhere.
Yes eventually, someone will get hurt. A relationship will go too far, someone will complain, someone will get an attorney, and it is all down hill from there.
When they start the back in forth with inappropriate comments and statements and try to rope your husband in he should politely say, "Hey leave me out of this conversation, I have no interest, I'm married and minding my own business!" As for the young girl flirting with him, I would advise him to ignore her and not to try and have any separate conversation with her alone as this could back fire. He might try telling her, "I don't really have time for personal conversation, but if work related, we can chat!"
Of course, once he states his position, they are sure to pick on him for not joining in. So, middle school.
In order for it to be sexual harassment - it has to be UNWANTED REPEATED sexual innuendo.
From the 25 yr olds point of view - she wants it - from the owner - and he's more than happy to.
For your husband - the owner and the 25 yr old - are harassing your husband - with the owners blessing.
BIG red flag right there.
Sexual harassment can be a weird place.
I've heard of one case where everyone in an office except one was messing around with a boss and the one who wasn't WON a sexual harassment suit because she was not given the same opportunity for advancement in her job because to do so was based on sexual favors with the boss.
Your husband might have the makings for a successful law suit if he documents things carefully and wants to really fight this thing.
In any case - if the corporate culture is overwhelmingly like this your husband has a few choices
1 - ignore it and play along - feels kind of grubby but some do it
2 - ignore it and don't play along - feels less grubby but makes for him feeling like the odd man out (it's what he's doing now)
3 - don't ignore it and complain to HR/owner which may or may not eventually lead to a law suit - may or may not have an affect and can make things much worse for your Hubby - whether he wins or loses his career with this employer is over - whistle blowers get raked over the coals.
4 - find a new job with a better corporate culture
Your husband has to handle it but he can say
"Call me old fashioned but I love my wife and I just don't think of looking at anyone else since I feel I've already got the best woman that ever happened to me. I hope someday you know what that feels like - it's the best feeling in the whole world!".
If they can make fun of that - there's no future at this company for him.
He needs to look for a new job.
this is surprisingly easy to handle. there's no need to be rude or pissy about it, but having a totally blank face and refusing to participate on any level in bawdy talk is a huge buzzkill for the unprofessional idiots indulging in it. if your husband simply goes blank and turns away every time they flirt and sex-talk around him, it will be uncomfortable for them and they'll probably take it out of his presence. if they confront him about it, a small polite smile and 'oh, that's none of my business' or 'sorry, i don't go there at work' ought to do the trick.
other than that, what the boss and the girl actually get up to is no one else's business (although how irksome that they want it to be.) i wouldn't quit over it, i'd just put very firm boundaries around what i'd tolerate in my presence. and by 'tolerate' i mean participation- they can be dipshits if they want, but they couldn't force me to engage with them.
it sucks all the fun out of it for people who are either hoping for tacit affirmation, or indulging in 'shock value' talk.
khairete
S.
If your husband wants to show more character? He should take her aside and tell her that not all offices behave this way and it could damage her reputation, if she cares about it.
If someone from the outside comes in and witnesses this? They could lose business and much more.
Tell your husband to go in and do his job to the best of his ability. He can document what is going on. He can ask them to stop. I don't know HR rules, but it would seem that HR should be involved here, even with a small company.
I think it is time for your husband to start looking for a new job because it doesn't sound like the situation will get better. Sorry.
Wouldn't that be something if he just happened to have his cell phone on recording during a couple of these situations. Hmm.
I mean I just wouldn't want anything to get turned around on him if they decided to act immature when he sets boundaries with them.
Just saying (if it's that bad).
Ugh
First your husband should speak calmly and professionally with his employer to tell him that he is uncomfortable with the banter and for them to please leave him out of it. If it continues, or if your husband feels that his position has been compromised by this request he should contact the EEOC. There are laws against his employer retaliating if your husband does choose to file a complaint. He should document everything.
The only person your husband can control is HIMSELF. It may be hard at this point if he's been engaging for a while to SUDDENLY quit....but if he doesn't want to act tat way, he doesn't want to.
If he feels uncomfortable being the grumpy bad sport, he can lightheartedly roll his eyes -or even show exasperation that they're so lame-when THEY do it while NEVER engaging. Maybe they'll get sick of his lack of participation. If this girl wants to provoke your husband so bad, he could blow her mind one day with a little wisdom. "Hey, Shelby Sue Fluffypants, all joking aside, you should watch your reputation for the sake of future jobs. You could be "unfairly" judged for "falling victim" to the "unprofessional environment" here. I admit I was doing it too, but it's getting old." Or something. That way he's not bad mouthing the boss, OR blaming her...
Or if he's more comfortable joking around with them, he should make his role the clown who encourages THEM. Like when she tries to flirt with him, he could say, "Uh oh, boss, your woman is out fishing again and I don't want her" or something. Just shine the light on their glorious in-office "relationship" and she she says anything like, "But it's you I'm after now" Or whatever--what could this girl possibly be saying ? Then your husband can make sarcastic little, "Yeah...NO." comments always shutting her down and NEVER flirting. Girls GET IT when you NEVER flirt with them. I've had countless jobs and I was a cute young thing. There were the men who tried to flirt (who I did not indulge, duh.) and the men WHO DID NOT TRY TO FLIRT. Your husband wants to be one of the nice, respectful men who DOES NOT FLIRT. No matter how she acts. If she really shoots him a zinger, he can blush and walk away, but NEVER RESPOND OR ENGAGE.
To be honest, if my husband had one of these ladies at his job, I'd be in her face. I'd invite her to lunch all friendly style. Just the invitation should scare her away. Or walk in and say "Oh YOUR Tiffy Buglebutt, I've sure HEARD about you. Everyone has." All civil but unimpressed. Or just straight up approach her and say, "Oh, just so you know, some people have been talking about your behavior here. I'm sure you're not as bad as they say, but for whatever reason, it's bad, so don't let "other people" tarnish your reputation." Or something. Annoying.
Character: how you act when no O. is looking.
Be glad your husband has character.
He's staying above the fray, and it doesn't sound like an office affair will happen with him. Count your blessings.
Your husband needs to learn how to give off an air of disinterest. Even if he doesn't come right out and verbalize his disapproval, he should be able to make it so that no one wants to bring this to his door.
If he doesn't like it, then he shouldn't laugh or smile at any of the jokes. He should not engage in the discussion when it's brought up to him or just in his presence. He can walk away if two other people start talking this way. ("Oh, my part of the conversation is over. I'll talk to you later.") If somebody says it to him directly..."Yeah, I'm not interested in talking about that."
Does the company have an HR department? Perhaps he can go to them in confidence and see if they can set up a company wide sexual harassment seminar without singling anyone out. This worked well at my small company.
