Useless Grandparents

Not all people react the same way around young children. Some are naturals at acting like a kid themselves and getting in there and having fun and others just aren't. If they are doing something that you do not like (disciplining, etc.) then you need to address that with them so that it ends, but if it's just a matter of wishing they would do more I think you need to relax and just let the relationship form the way it's going to. How were they as parents? Were they affectionate and playful or a little more reserved?

I remember that my paternal grandparents were the "fun ones" and my maternal grandparents were not. As an adult, I loved them both, but as a young child I enjoyed going to my father's parents' house much more because they kept toys in the house for us and would actually play and have fun.

One thing I would consider is the personality of the two sets of grandparents. My MIL is very outgoing and never waits for an invitation to do anything. She would call anytime, anyday and say I'm in the area I'm coming over. My mother on the other hand will wait for an invitation. If we left it up to her to invite herself over we'd never see her. It's not that she doesn't love her grandkids, it's just that she doesn't want to be a nuisance and wants to be invited.

I would just be careful about comparing the two grandparents and just provide them opportunities to bond with your children in their own way.

Good Luck,
K.

I am in a similar situation, except that the grandmother that was so active in my twins life passed away last year. My own parents don't have the time or energy to spend a lot of time with my twins and they never really have. They visit every now and then (to family functions such as birthdays etc.) but they don't actively get involved with them. They have NEVER babysat them. I have just kind of accepted that it is what it is and that I refuse to completely rob either my parents or my kids of this very valuable relationship and have accepted that this is the way it will be. Changing it is just not going to happen and only frustrates all parties. My kids have accepted it (they are 5) and don't really question it. We have a large extended family and that makes up for a lot of it. It's not easy-my parents spend a lot of time with my sister's kids and we all hear about it constantly-but again, it is what it is and if I say "you can't see them at all" then that makes me pretty small and doesn't benefit my children at all. Good luck and congrats on your baby!

I'm a grandmother of 6....so I'm "on the other side". I'm not sure if the title of this request is yours or something just assigned to it...but "useless" is a pretty harsh and negative statement. Are they your parents or your husbands? Sometimes it is very difficult to relate to the in-laws...
All people are different and as we get older we do change...and truly our patience level isn't what is used to be. They may be dealing with health issues or maybe they are ready to enjoy the next phase of their life....as they've "been there, done that" with the raising of children. I had in-laws who were just totaly uncomfortable with small children and great as they got 10 and older...and truly they were the same when raising their own children.
The only thing we get to control in our lives is "ourselves" and our "reaction to others". Accept the grandparents for who they are and quit stressing about it...change your reaction. Don't close the door, invite them for short visits or meet them at an informal restaurant for lunch, minimize your stress by keeping the visits short. Maybe over time you will find out more about them and begin to understand why they are the way the are. As a mother of 2 you will be too busy to worry about the things you can't control...enjoy your babies, they'll be grown before you know it.

You should find out first from the grandparents what they think their role is in your sons life. Many times there are mis communications between children and grandparents as to what each set expects from the other set. I personnally had this particular problem, the dil had preconceived expectations as to what she felt grandparents should do and at times I felt like I was jumping through hoops for her. When I was brought up grandparents were to be held in high honor and respected, you kept them informed as to what is going on in your child's life and if the grandparents brought up the subject of offering to watch your children etc then the opportunity was open and available. The situation with my dil did not allow me this oportunity, it was thrown on me and told in other words you better do it or else! My thoughts were then destroyed and I felt disrespected because I had no choice.

Just count it as their loss. I would not push it but they are the ones missing out. He will grow up to recognize who is important in his life and who isn't. It is a fact of life that not all family members are close and warm - some are just "there." We've all got them. He will survive and thrive with love from his parents and his loving grandfather. That is more than some kids have - there are thousands of kids in foster care who have NO ONE - so think of it that way and realize you are really blessed. Don't go out of your way to punish the other grandparents, they are giving what they will get in the long run. If one of them gets sick and if faced w/ mortality, maybe some day they will see what they are missing and if so, let them. People are entitled to change and hopefully they will, but don't count on it.

Good luck w/ the new addition!

It would probably be better for you to accept the "other" grandparents as they are. They have raised their children and may not be the cuddly type that you want them to be. They may finally have their house the way they want it, and it may not be childproofed. You can try to talk to them so as to ascertain if they would be more interested as he gets older or meeting him at your house instead of their house or if there is something you do that makes them feel uncomfortable. (I know grandparents that are uncomfortable around their grandchildren because their parents continually dismiss their advice or they get upset when they give the kids candy or juice or let them watch tv, etc.) If they don't have any particular issues except that they are busy, then you can try to schedule a time ahead where they visit you at your house. If they aren't interested, spend your efforts somewhere else.

Be grateful that he has an awesome grandfather. I know many parents that don't even have one supportive grandparent.

I would offer that you just accept that this is the way things are going to be. We have a similar situation where a grandmother basically ignores her grandchild and doesn't attempt to interact with her at all. From my point of view, its her loss. That's the way that she is and I can't change it. My daughter will grow up with no connection and no bond and maybe that's the way it should be if her grandmother can't reach out to her in a more loving way. Oh well. I just focus on the people that do reach out to my daughter and try to help nuture those relationships - at least they are making the effort to be a special part of her life!

Hi M.,
First of all, congratulations on your kids! Exciting news and your son will LOVE having a baby sister.
I had a similar situation with my first born who was also a boy and his great Aunt and Uncle were somewhat critical. The best advice is not to change them directly, people don't like being told that they are doing something wrong ~ much like you don't like having your son told what he is doing wrong. All you can really do is change your stance on this and then maybe they will come around. For example, I wouldn't tell them they can't see him if they don't behave better, I would just make him far less accessable to visiting ~ do it in a nice way, but be firm. Just be too busy. Or, when they say something negative, you can even make a joke about what he's doing...if he throws something in a tantrum you could just say..."Oh come on _____ (Your son's name) you can do better than that! Really. He threw that priceless vase MUCH further yesterday!" And laugh it off. This is something my sister does with our mom and it actually works! Plus it helps with your son because he will see that it is not effecting you and he won't get the reaction from you that he wants so eventually he will stop.
Best of luck to you and your family ~ try and remember that your family comes first and the grandparents need to know their place in the picture.
D.

My kids other grandparents are not involved but then tend to pout when the kids don't make a fuss over them. They have to ignitiate that love when the kids are very small. Nothing you can do the only thing you can ever change is yourself and to influence your children to handling things in a way thats best for their well being. So I wouldn't say or do anything, trust me it doesn't do any good but make hard feelings, if they are that uninvolved they will take offence to anything you say. Raise your kids where they really don't notice that someone else is treated better where it maybe you don't leave them in a situation where they are disciplined by the other grandparents. There are so many different reasons why grandparents cater to one set of grandchildren different than the others. Sometimes they just see that one set will have nothing if they don't do for them which naturally causes you to be partial. Anyway good luck its hard and sad I've lived it but I had to get over a bitter spell so don't ever do that it will hurt the kids the most, the best thing you can do is make sure your kids feel loved by everyone so if you have to back up a 100 steps from the other grandparents I would.

Just tell then that they are missing out on a wonderful child and will be missing out on another as well. You cannot change them, only yourself. You must change your need to have them involved. There are many older people out there who would love to develop relationships with children because theirs are too far away, etc. Find a family of your choosing to make up for the one you were born with (or married into).

I just have to say that Jan P. and Monica C. had great advice and there is nothing more that I would add. Don't let your heart be troubled over things or people that you can't change. You'll be a lot happier.

I, too, had to deal with "useless grandparents", my in-laws, who are divorced, actually. I was hurt that they didn't seem interested in my son, when they had each practically demanded to raise their other grandchildren, by my sister-in law. It took me a long time to realize that my son wouldnt miss out on THEIR lives, they would miss out on HIS. The love and affection he receives from my parents, his other family members, and friends more than makes up for any lack of interest from his other grandparents.
Its my opinion that the GRANDPARENTS need to cultivate a relationship with the grandkids, not the other way around. My son's "other" grandparents have each never babysat, have never had him over for the night, nothing. I used to mind that, because my parents are much older than my in-laws (and the in-laws will probably be around longer), but then I realized, my SON doesnt mind, he loves his grandparents (my parents) more than anything. We see my parents about 3 or 4 times a month, where he sees the others about 3 times a year.
You just have to realize, they are what they are, they aren't going to change, and your son will be fine with just a "superficial" relationship with them. Your SON probably doesn't realize how crochety they are, they are just his grandparents, and as long as you tell him that they love him, he will be fine. My son is five now, and he doesnt even ask why his nanny or pawpaw don't come see him or why he doesn't spend the night or anything. It just is what it is and he accepts that, and your son will too.
And I have to add, we don't KEEP my son from my in-laws by any means. His grandparents each have their own lives, such as they are, and when they have visited they have had every opportunity to spend time with my son. Neither calls very often, but each has the opportunity to talk to my son on the phone, they just don't ask to, and I quit pushing him on them years ago. Its their loss, plain and simple.
Hope this helps you.
Good luck!