What If Your Kid Was the One Who "Spoiled" Santa

I have a 6th grade believer who could probably convince the unbelievers if you would like them brought back in the fold. She is relentless.

Since when have facts and belief had anything to do with each other?
I'd tell him he needs to learn to be tolerant of people who believe in things that he doesn't believe in.
There are 7 billion people on the planet and every single one of them believe something slightly different than the next person.
It's the 'I'm right and you're wrong' attitudes that cause all sorts of troubles.
Now's the time to distract him from Santa by telling him about The Flat Earth Society.

My son is also in first and also knows that santa isn't real. He's also on the autism spectrum and is VERY literal and all about real vs. not real, so we really need to be truthful with him about stuff.

BUT he knows that St. Nicholas IS real, and that the spirit of Christmas is real. He also knows that he can talk about santa not being real at home, but not to talk about it at school because "families celebrate differently", and it's a "family thing to talk about". Also, I remind him that he ENJOYS santa and the stories even if they aren't "real", so that's fun to enjoy at school. Give him permission to talk to you about it, and talk to him about the REAL parts. That may help.

Our kids are 18, 15 and 7. We have told the bigs from the time the little guy was born - you ruin Santa for him, no more presents for you. It does seem to work.

I was always pissed when kids told my kids there was no Santa. Just because they no longer believed, didn't mean they should ruin it for others. Now that my 10 year old doesn't believe anymore, I told her if she tells, she gets no gifts - and I mean it.

Santa is a big deal to a lot of kids, and your son should NOT tell anyone.

When kids said it to my kids in front of me, I simply told them it was fine if they did not believe, but we do in our house and the conversation was over. I have also told my kids the same thing...if they choose not to believe, that's fine, but others do and it's not something to talk about.

If my child blatantly disobeyed me, you can bet there would be consequences. And your son did just that - and worse wouldn't stop. So yea, he would be in trouble in my house.

In my family Santa was/is a big deal. He comes to visit at my grandma's house every christmas eve (even though she's passed away) and passes out gifts to the little ones. When my grandma was alive he passed out ALL the gifts she bought and everyone had to sit on his lap to get their gift (I was in my 30's before she passed away so guess who was sitting on his lap in her 30's). I cherish those memories and would be PISSED if ANYONE spoiled that for the little ones in my family.

We don't TELL anyone that Santa isn't 'real'. We let them work it all out on their own in their own time. We DO explain the tradition and how it started and that St. Nicholas was a real man who was extremely loving and giving.

As each of my kids (who are now 15, 18 and 20) came to the point where they were figuring it all out ... and said they knew what the real deal was ... we had a long and SERIOUS conversation about it not being their place to tell anyone else. That is was now their responsibility to uphold St. Nicholas' loving and giving tradition. We also had the conversation that there would be SERIOUS consequences if they decided it was up to them to "spill the beans". Hurting or upsetting others isn't an ok thing to do.

For my kids they cherished being "in on the secret" and were FANTASTIC about keeping the magic going for those younger or those who still believed. Mine were between 10 and 12 (I think) when they decided to join the fun of being Santa.

As other's have said though .... the bigger issue is that your son blatantly and with ill intent disregarded your instructions about spilling the beans to his friends. He completely disregarded your instructions AND their feelings. THAT needs to be addressed ASAP with some consequences.

Perhaps a way to get your kid to keep his trap shut would be to share with him how the tradition started and WHY it's not a bad thing. Explain that Santa is the embodiment of unselfish giving (and if you want to throw a "Christian" spin on it you can add "Like God gave his son for us" ... why yes I am THAT good thank you LOL). That unselfish giving is a good thing and the man in the suit and beard is just to make it fun.

And finally ... we STILL have presents from Santa under the tree every year :)

Well, here's what I did the first time my older son asked if there was no santa. (This was when he was in first grade.) I told them that if there were no santa, that there would be no presents from SC under the tree for him. That shut him up. I also told him that if he hurt his friends' feelings by telling them that there was no santa, that perhaps he would get fewer presents from mom and dad. That really shut him up.

This was precipitated by the fact that my very bright son told a friend's daughter that there was no santa. My friend was extremely upset and I was afraid I was going to lose a friendship over it. I pulled no punches with my son. I however, did NOT tell him that there was no santa.

The next time he asked, which was when he was in 5th grade, I repeated to him that if there were no santa that there would be no gifts from SC under the tree. (We always put gifts from SC as well as mom and dad under the tree.) About this time, the book "The Polar Express" came out. I read this book to my kids every Christmas until they were pretty old. I bought a bell that looked like the one in the book and I put it up on the refrigerator. I would ring the bell when I read the book and would ask them "Can you hear the bell?" This worked very well. I never had to tell them that there was no santa.

Your son is lording his "special knowledge" over other children. This is a behavioral issue, quite frankly. I'd put him in his place big time, telling him that he is being ugly to his friends and that you won't put up with it. I'd threaten to take a big privilege away from him. I would also tell him that mothers will be so upset with him that he will possibly be excluded from parties and play dates. Since you didn't really do much with the santa idea in your home, this may be your best bet.

You cannot believe how much other moms will hold it against you if you don't stop your son from spilling the beans. Pull out all the stops...

My son isn't there yet, he mostly believes in 'Santa' but I also think there is the enticement of presents.

That said, if my kid was telling other kids 'the truth about Santa' after being told not to, there would be a loss of privileges.

To me, this is a gray area: yes, Santa is technically a cultural 'lie', however, this is one of those things which *doesn't hurt anybody* and rather, is enjoyed by plenty of kids whose families enjoy the wonder of the holiday. I would not be focusing on 'covering up the truth' but the fact that A. he disobeyed a pretty direct request , B. he is being unkind in spoiling Santa for other children.

And I really like what Mynewnickname had to say:
" But what the non-believers need to realize is that it IS important to many other kids and parents. No one can project their feelings of 'it's fine' onto others. "

Our family is secular humanist and we've talked about *respecting* the beliefs of others, even if they aren't our own beliefs, which is why my kid doesn't feel he needs to challenge his Christian friends with "God doesn't exist" and remarks like that. If you think about it, that would be unkind too. The consequence is about being UNKIND to someone on purpose, not whether Santa is 'real' or not.

I appreciate the suggestions that Laurie and Patricia made in regard to talking about the origins of Santa... and like Julie S, when my son does ask, I just turn it back to him.

Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, kids have been "spilling the beans" ever since these stories began.
Honestly most kids figure it out on their own, they're not that stupid. I think many just continue to "believe" because it's fun, and it's nicer than accepting the fact that your parents are liars.
I would encourage him not to say anything unless asked for his opinion, but of course that's practically impossible for a first grader with a huge "secret!"

Well, if you see my previous posts, I WAS that kid who spilled the beans.
Basically, my class announcement put four kids were in tears and my teacher sent me to the office and my mom got more than a few calls (which she didn't apologize to any of the parents for my 'honesty' she was big on that).

so If my kid were the one who spilled the beans, I'd have sympathy for them, encourage them not to be a Know-it-all and let others believe if they want. I have also tried to set it up to where they know that it is a personal thing and no one way to tell or discover is right.

Meh, I think the bigger deal you make it, the bigger joy you son will get in telling. I wouldn't respond at all. I'd treat it like a non-issue.

I'd enact some serious consequences for him disobeying you. I am the mom of an only child who is a believer. If another child ruined it for her, I would be livid. I was never flat out told by anyone, one year I just knew. I really hope that's how it is for my daughter. She is our only child and once she no longer believes, the Christmas magic will have dimmed for our family, which makes me sad!

I would have a discussion with him. When my boys asked me if Santa was real, I told them that he WAS a real man who gave gifts to poor children. He was very much loved by everyone, and when he died all of the parents were very sad and didn't know how to tell their kids. So instead of telling them, they made Santa immortal by letting the spirit of Santa Claus live through every parent. I told my boys that since they now know, THEY are have the spirit of Santa Claus in them too and are responsible for keeping the secret and not telling the little ones who still believe.

My boys have taken this seriously, and I also told them that it would be hurtful to some little kids to know that Santa isn't a live man anymore. I emphatically begged them to help me to keep the secret and spirit of Santa alive.

As far as I know, my kids haven't spilled the beans to any little ones who don't yet know. If they did....I'm not certain as to what I'd do. If it were a 4 year old with stars in her eyes, my response would likely be far more severe than a 10 year old who was already skeptical.

The other kids aren't going to be scarred for life from finding out that Santa is a myth.
But I would impose some consequence for blatantly disobeying your instructions and deliberately hurting his friends' feelings.

ETA:
Laurie A. - there are plenty of folks at my work who don't believe in a deity. I happen to be one of them. On the rare occasion that the subject of religion comes up in casual conversation, everyone is aware ofother people's beliefs. No one's feelings are hurt if I say there is no god, and my feelings aren't hurt when others insist that there is.
When I was a kid, and still believed in Santa, and other kids told me he wasn't real, I felt sorry for them because I thought they were misinformed and I knew the truth. Same for when I used to be Christian, and people told me there was no god. When I stopped believeing in Santa, and later in a god, neither caused me any psycholigical trauma, and I didn't mourn the loss of either belief.

I think the bottom line is that you told him not to spill the beans, and he disregarded your direct instruction, impudently. That deserves consequences.

How I would feel as the other parent is really irrelevant (although I would be annoyed--not mad or angry to the point of it affecting our friendship- if there was one--but annoyed nonetheless. Because yes, it is great fun and magical memories and part of childhood for a great many people. It's one of those small things that once they "know", they can never get that piece of childhood back again.)

But.. again... the issue you are actually facing is that he disobeyed you, blatantly. Address that. Apologize to the other parent (if you know her/him) and let that end of it go... but make your words to your son count (when you tell him not to do something).

I found out from a friend's big brother in about first grade. I was shocked but then strangely relieved that I wasn't the last one to know. But I know some kids can be devastated.

I think you can work on 2 levels.

One is, "Why is it important for you to be a know-it-all and take away people's fun and dreams? And if you're such a grown-up that you have to ruin things for kids, let me give you a list of adult responsibilities you now have, starting with doing your own laundry and cleaning the bathrooms. You have no compassion? I have no patience.

The second is, "Gifts come from Santa and parents. Kids who don't believe in Santa, and worse, who convince others not to believe, don't get those gifts." That plays into the Christmas materialism which is a problem, I admit, but given the insanity in this country around shopping and Black Friday and opening stores on Thanksgiving because we can't have a day to be grateful for what we have (we have to ruin in by saying we don't have enough!), it's probably not going to make things any worse.

I'd worry less about what other parents will say, because if it's not your kid, it will be another parent's kid. The same thing will happen (if it hasn't already) with swear words and sex talk. BUT I would focus on my own child and his need to be the spoiler.

Good luck - this is a tough one I know.

we do not do the santa thing here in our house. I have told my kids that it's ok for some people to believe and some people to not believe. It's not their job to tell their friends that santa isn't real. If they believe, then that's ok. I have never punished my kids for blurting out that santa isn't real. Anytime they have told another kid, the other kid usually just says "yes he is real" or something like that. No big deal

Kids that want to believe will still believe. I wouldn't worry about it. To me telling your kids to lie or keep it to themselves is wrong.

My third just wanted to keep believing, he would come home and tell me the "awful things his friends are saying". I wouldn't lie, I would just ask what do you think. I think he is real. Well there ya go.

First grade, I would be annoyed. Fourth, ok. You believe, you receive.

As each of my children stopped believing in Santa I would pull them aside and explain that it's important to let other children believe in Santa for as long as they want. You need to keep your mouth shut because it's up to their mom and dad to decide when to let them know.

So I think you need to have a talk with your son and tell him to cut it out now. He's being a bit of a jerk and people don't want to be friends with jerks.

My DD is in K and she is about to figure it out.
I personally do not care, I was never keen on starting the whole Santa thing. My husband grew up with it and insisted, so I play along as best as I can.

I haven't straight out told her, but I usually ask her what she thinks - and well since she knows about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy not being real, as per our last conversation she thinks the likelihood of Santa being a guy that lives on the North Pole with a bunch of magical elves...not very high. Her hypothesis right now is that it's either the parents, or that Santa works with Amazon (LOL).

I do not intend to implement any consequences for her talking to her friends. Kids will talk and I am not the Santa thought police.
We have talked about how different people believe different things and how it would be sad to spoil it for them, even if we know that it's not the truth.
I am sure though that won't keep her from spilling the beans if one of her friends really presses her.

They all will find out eventually and well, someone's kid has to be the first kid to know. If it's mine, that's fine.
Good luck.

My daughter just turned seven, and knows he's not real. I have reminded her several times so far this season to NOT spoil another child's Christmas by telling them. She completely understands and has said nothing.

Well the whole Santa thing is a little nuts, it's supposed to be a fun game for children to play around Christmas not the deciding factor if kids have a fun holiday. Our kids know, but still pretend that Santa is coming, hey make cookies, lists, the whole deal, but it's pretend play and they love it so much. They call us Santas elves, it's fun :) But we do tell ours that some parents play the Santa game differently than us, they pretend that Santa is real but the kids really don't know Santa is just for pretend so if they spill the beans the kids and their parents might be sad. So far that has worked fine bc my kids don't want to spoil anyone else's fun. But kids find out the truth at varying ages and find out in all kinds of ways, it is really a very small child thing bc as children group up they find out all kinds of things! I wouldn't worry too much about it and I don't think a child should be overly worried about keeping secrets personally.

I don't know how I would respond, but I can tell you that my daughter has come home and said that certain little boys don't believe and said it wasn't true. I just asked what she believed and she said he was real. Okay.

i agree with you that you should encourage him NOT to be 'that kid.'
but 'that kid' is always there. it's got to be somebody's kid.
i wouldn't be pleased with mine for being the one(s) to blow it for another kid. we'd discuss it for sure. but i wouldn't lower the boom either.
kids talk, they do.
khairete
S.

I would be sad. I knew fairly young and my mom explained that it was really important to not tell my sister or my friends. When I was a teen, a boy whose parents didn't "do" Santa told another kid there was no Santa. The other kid's mom was angry and her kid was in tears. It was just mean.

I would tell my DD I was disappointed, especially if I told her not to. If she wouldn't let it go, then I would tell her she was being mean. And if she knew that there was no Santa, that would mean that *I* would make the call what she got for Christmas. In my house, a kid who is mean to others doesn't get a whole lot in their stocking. I would ask her why she disobeyed me.

When my SD was about 10 or 11, we knew she did not believe in Santa. She asked me if I believed. At the time I was wrapping a Giving Tree gift. I said I still believed in Santa. She got the hint.

Last year an older girl was chatty to my DD in the Santa picture line. She said, "He's just a man in a suit". I had to do some fast talking but my DD has a fantastic memory and I think this year may be the last, thanks to that kid. My DD is only 5. If that had been my kid, I would have then pulled her out of line. You don't ruin it for someone else.

My son had it ruined for him when he was 9 by a friend of his. Said friend has 2 older brothers and an older sister, all teens.

I was pissed that he ruined it for my son. Granted, he as getting close to figuring it out on his own, but I was still pissed.

To answer part of your question, yes--30 years from now kids will remember who ruined it for them. I remember it was the neighbor girls down the street. I asked a few friends after reading this post and they all remember "that" kid. Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation, and are trying to get him to see things from another point of view. Just thought I'd answer that part, though.

When my kids were little, our neighbors came over and announced that Santa wasn't real. I actually spoke with their mom about it to see if she could get them to keep the secret to themselves. My kids glossed over it and still believe, and I think it helped that we "allowed" them to still believe by explaining that it's up to the person to decide if they believe or not. It's very similar to a belief in God. You either believe or you don't, but everyone has their own opinions and that doesn't make you believe less or more. So, now that I look back, I think I was overly worried about the announcement by the neighbors, but I will never forget the moment. It will become a funny story in the future.

My kids are 25 and 21 and still "believe". Okay not really BUT I tell them that as long as you believe Santa will come. So far, Santa has visited every year. Now, there were times those kiddos of mine deserved coal but that's another story!! =)

I cherish my childhood memories of "Santa" and I cherish the memories I have with our kids. So, yeah, I would be annoyed with your kid. Its not his story to tell.

Since you had warned him prior firmly and he still said something I would punish him for that.

I don't know why parents would be so mad if a child "ruined it." You can't control everything a child does and it's not like they are doing it to be mean--just to share their new found information like kids do.

For my son it was a little different. His TEACHER, who was new to the school, ruined it for him and pretty much his whole class when she "just assumed" that by third grade they would all know Santa was not real. Granted they were a sheltered bunch of kids at a small private school and probably would have been told by someone in the next year or so, but STILL! I was mad for a minute, but got over it. SHE was mortified and VERY apologetic.

I'm not planning it like this, but I kinda expect my kid to do just that. He is almost three and in pre-school, regularly around other kids for the first time. He's hearing and learning holiday stuff at school and exclaims, "Look, Mommy--Christmas!" whenever we pass Christmas lights. I don't know what they're teaching in school about Santa, but as soon as he brings that name up at home, I'm going to tell him that that guy does not exist, and I don't care if he runs back and tells others.

Well, it kinda depends on how he says it. If he says that Santa will be doing stuff for his friends, I'll say, "Oh, that's nice, Honey." If he asks or says that Santa will be doing stuff for him, I'll tell him no. I won't encourage him to go out and spread the news, but he'll likely tell somebody. Maybe I'll just explain to him that Santa is real for some people but not for him.

Kids are gonna hear cussin', too. It all starts when they are introduced to stuff outside their own homes. The parents who wag their fingers about not being able to protect them from everything and accusing "helipcopter parents" of wanting to put the kids into bubbles are the ones who get upset when some other kid spills the Santa beans. Go figure.

I am a fervent believer in fairytales (happily ever after, the guy gets the girl) and calling on and interacting with the unseen and unheard, but the concept of Santa never resonated with me, so I was never disappointed that he wasn't "real".

In my experience, kids who still want to believe in Santa Claus will continue to believe in Santa Claus even when evidence really points in the opposite direction. My son continued to believe wayyyy after his older sisters had let it slip to him.

That said, instead of punishing him, I'd suggest telling him that he's an important "keeper of the magic". I don't think it needs to be so negative - make him feel like he has an important role to play in the whole holiday magic!

Good luck!

My own mother made a point of not letting us ever think santa was real and I still believed he was real. I just didn't think he came to our house because I knew my mother shopped for our gifts. like most things, people believe what they want to believe, no matter what your son says. I would also say that school age is the age you can expect not to control every exposure, thought, and influence on your child. So as bummed out as parents may be, the gig is up by 1st grade.