What Should I Do About My Son Stealing?

I suggest that taking every thing away only teaches him that it's OK to take things. The consequence related to the action can have better results.

How old is your son? If he's in the lower grades (ages 4- 10 or so) "stealing" is fairly common because they may have not grasped the concept of ownership. In the 2nd grade I took a classmate's notebook home. My mother talked with me about how t he notbook belonged to this other child and how would I feel if someone took one of my things. I told her I took it because I liked it. She told me to ask her about buying one for myself. Then she took me to school where I gave back the notebook and apologized. This lesson gave me something to do about my wish for things and how I could have some things just by asking. I never took anything, as far as I remember, since. I remember asking another child if I could have something belonging to her. If shE said no, the transaction reinforced ownership.

My daughter took something from a store. I took her in to give the object back and apologize. Sue was in the 2nd grade. We talked about what belongs to us and what belongs to someone else several times.

Neither my mom or I punished our children for taking thst which dprs not belong to us. We talked in a stern but loving way about why we took things; about ownership and how to get things we wanted. My family was poor and parent's talked a lot about the lack of money to buy things. I learned to tell my mother what I wanted. She then said yes or no. I also learned I could ask friends for what they had. Again, yes or no. Respect the answer. Our teacher helped me talk with my friend.

I was relieved that my mother would help me. I trusted my mom to love me and help me work out a way to right the wrong. She didn't lecture me. She didn't punish me. She taught me right from wrong while allowing me to feel good about myself.

Taking something that does not belong to us with a young child is not stealing in the same sense as it would with an older child who does understand the concept of ownership. Thinking that stealing is starting the path to breaking the law and feeling you have to punish him because this is serious only teaches him he doesn't want to upset you again. He wwill have not learned that he's OK and how his decision got him in this mess. Or why taking the cards is wrong.

I think taking away 'everything he loves' is overkill, personally.

Instead, I would focus on communication-- as Marda, below, suggested, and making amends. Give him ways to earn money to buy his own cards. But more importantly, he needs to return them and apologize for taking what was not his.

I got caught stealing in fourth grade. I took one of the little red mini-staplers from another classmate (they were all the rage back then in '79.). While the 'getting caught' that made me not want to do it again, it was the horrible feeling of having to hand that back to the student and apologize that really gutted me. At nine years old, I would have rather died a thousand deaths in that moment because it was embarrassing. Later, as I grew older, I would be the kid who didn't steal at the mall while my friends were--- it really freaked me out.

The point is, if you make the punishment huge, he is not going to remember feeling bad about having to hand back the cards and apologize, he's going to A. be mad at you for your overreaction and B. be sneakier in the hopes that he won't get caught. Again, this is why I say to find a way to let him earn the money for the cards. Because you can't punish a kid into being good-- you just can't. But good communication will give you opportunities to help guide, model empathy and show him that some mistakes are fixable.

I'd also say that you might want to tell him that he needs to keep any cards/etc at home instead of taking them to school, if he is. They are a distraction from learning and playing at recess and obviously it's a problem. There is likely a school rule that toys and personal items like these are discouraged at school. Just a thought.

(removing everything from a child doesn't teach them empathy, not at all. That's the parental "I'll show you how that feels!" which usually backfires. I mean, would that work to 'teach' an adult empathy? Funny how we think kids are that much different from ourselves. They KNOW where the toys/devices are, they know they can't have access. Much different than leaving something in a place you thought they were safe and then having them just disappear and truly feeling the loss... you can't *impose* empathy on people.)

I would seek professional help just to make sure there aren't larger issues. Sometimes kids steal as a way to communicate something is wrong.

Make him write a letter of apology to the student who he stole from, and also to the teacher for breaking the rules in the classroom. He needs to deliver the apology letters in person. Supervise him giving the letters to the recipients so that you can make sure he does it (make an appointment with the teacher if needed to do this).

This is both an appropriate consequence for him, plus it will let his teacher know so that she can be on the alert for this behavior in the future.

i have a zero tolerance policy for stealing and lying.
but fixing it isn't a simple as coming up with nastier punishments.
raising honest children is rooted in having an honest household. how much does he see you telling 'little white lies'? using the handicapped parking space 'just for a second?' calling sick into work when you're not?
if never, well, good on you, but i can say looking back on decades of parenting and interacting with other parents that families that put a high priority on honesty in the home rarely encounter these problems.
so i'd address the underlying issues of 'why is he stealing?' in addition to just figuring out how to make him miserable enough to stop. because without that he probably won't stop, he'll just get better at it.
khairete
S.

It would help us to know how old he is...

First problem. Home isn't school. He needs punishment for this at school first and foremost.

If he got caught stealing a second time then the SCHOOL needs to let you know what their going to do then you talk to him at home but punishing him like you did obviously had no impact. School must take the lead on this. School also needs to have other kids keep Pokemon cards at home. Teacher should handle this.

Happens at school stays at school. They should handle everything so they are seen as the authority over him to him. Then again, you talk to him and help him learn it was not such a great choice.

Second. He wants to play Pokemon I guess. I don't do stuff like that so I'm not sure what I would do. Get him started collecting his own cards? Later on, not as a result of stealing.

Well apparently your post has prompted a few of the great mamas on here to confess their childhood stealings below, so there's that.

Beyond that, the lawyer in me needs more information. You said he was caught. Did someone actually SEE your son touching another child's cards? By any chance did he think he had permission to touch them? Maybe we should not leap to think the worst?

Figure out some jobs he can do at home so he can earn money and buy his own cards. Good luck.

How old is he?
This was one of the reasons trading cards were banned from our sons school.
Talk to him about how he would feel if his things (maybe his favorite things) were stolen from him.
Taking things away from him is suppose to help him learn how his victim feels when his stuff is stolen from him - it's a lesson in empathy.
If these trading cards are a particular weakness for him, maybe he can't have any until he can learn some impulse control.