What Would You Do? - Ann Arbor,MI

Let it go. You asked him to leave. You told him it was mean. Who knows what kind of a life this kid has.

"The boy is pretty much on his own most days."

Is it any wonder he has issues? Be kind to this boy. Parent him if you can. He needs it.

You already told him he is mean and to leave the party so I think talking with him has passed.

Let it go. This poor kid probably didn't bring a gift because his parents wouldn't go get one. You say he is on his own a lot so chances are his parents won't really care what you have to say.

Your child doesn't need to be friends with this kid but chances are he is in great need of friends given his home life.

Let it go. You already took care of it when it happened. If he had gotten physical, then I would bring it up to his parents or decide not to let him in your home any longer. And just keep an eye on him. Some kids just do not have any social skills at all.

You already addressed the issue. Nothing else is needed to be done.

You asked the boy to leave. Told him WHY you told him to leave.

IF he says something to his parents and they talk to you - fine. Tell them EXACTLY what happened - that's it. Nothing else. Stick to the facts and tell them YOUR side of what happened.

Other than that? Leave it. He's not allowed at your home anymore.

Wow, poor kid. I can't imagine a child acting like that. I probably would have pulled him aside and said he was being very rude, we don't demand things (gifts) from our friends, etc. and he needed to start using nice manners or go home.
At this point you have already kicked him out, so I guess let it go. But I know the mommy in me would probably try to give him another chance. A child who demands another child's birthday presents clearly hasn't been taught any boundaries and I would feel sorry for him more than anything else.

I wouldn't seek the kid out to talk to him, it's not really your place to teach this kid manners after the fact...but I would talk to his parents. Hopefully, they will address his behavior and save the poor kid from becoming a social outcast. It's hard to tell if they are disengaged parents, overwhelmed, or if he is simply a difficult child... If it seems like his home life isn't too conducive to learning these things and you are up for it, you could try having him over more often and only allowing good behavior while at your house. The structure might do him some good.

I will assume the boy is 8 or 9, like your son. If so, then he is pretty young. He might not understand completely the social consequences for his actions, as rude and unsociable as they were, or he might have some social problems that need to be dealt with.

You can try to talk to the parents just to get to know his situation, but they might not welcome feedback on his behavior; kids who act like that usually don't have the best role models at home.

I think you did the right thing just by requesting that he leave when he was being a nuisance, and a follow-up lecture is not necessary. I would instead focus on your child and use the opportunity to talk to him about why someone might act out like that.

oh geez, please don't get over-involved in little kid drama. it started with the 'mean kid' friend who felt the need to tell your son about the other mean kid.
they're all kids. kids are frequently mean.
i would have handled the initial 'sharing of info' by NOT over-reacting, and helping my son do so too by not making a big deal of it. 'huh. sounds like milton can be a bit of jerk sometimes.' shrug. 'not like you need a gift from him, right? still want to invite him?'
then when the Mean Boy demanded a gift i'd have told him 'milton, get a grip. this isn't your birthday.' i certainly would not have booted him out of the party, nor encouraged my own kid to have a pity party by making a big deal out of it.
if he's a constant jerk, don't invite him over any more.
and help your son grow a healthy thicker skin by not over-indulging in life's little dramas with him.
khairete
S.

It would help me in my answer if I knew how old your son and his friends are. If they are younger, it's one thing. If they are older, it's another. I'm going to assume that we're talking about 7 or 8 year olds, though I'm certainly not sure...

Another question I have is, didn't you already tell him why he had to leave when you escorted him out? Is it really necessary to tell him again?

You have two choices. You can see this child (who is left alone most of the time in a household that doesn't teach him well) as a neighborhood child who needs guidance and kind of a surrogate mom. You can help him understand why what he did was inappropriate and act like a parent to him. The payoff? Maybe a better kid now. Especially a kid who in the coming years doesn't egg your house, pour sugar in your gas tank or break into your house, because SOMEONE took the time to help him understand how to treat people.

I had a stay-at-home neighbor with kids (back when I was childless and working full time) who did that with a kid who reminds me of this kid you're talking about. He stole kids toys that were in their front yards in the cul-de-sac and tried to explain it away that he thought they were for the garbage man. He also showed up on people's doorsteps asking if he could have something to eat. His parents were always working and somehow just expected the neighborhood to take care of him. It didn't go over very well and people didn't like him. This neighbor of mine was kind, but FIRM and mentored him. The first week of summer, he was all over the place, and she actually went over to the neighbors and explained to them that social services could take him away if they left him all alone all summer long. They ended up taking him to work with them, thank goodness. Heaven knows what kind of trouble he would have gotten into all summer, because he sure wasn't going to stay in his house all alone and though she had him over enough, she was not willing to be a free summer daycare...

Your second choice is to never have anything to do with him. That's the easy choice. Harder is really mentoring him when he's at your house, making sure that he toes the line.

Good luck with your decision.

The poor kid sounds like he has bad parents He probably didn't bring a gift because his parents didn't know about the party or wouldn't have been supportive anyway if they did. He probably acts badly because no one is raising him to act better.

You did fine by telling your son not to care if he didn't bring a gift. I would have been fine with that too, I hate all the gifts piling up personally, and it would be nice to teach my child to welcome friends without gifts as well. Kicking him out for his behavior sounds questionable, but it's hard to gage without details. It seems easier to just TELL him, "Of course you don't get a present, it's not your party!" But if you knew it would escalate things or there is more to the story, then no big deal, water under the bridge.

I wouldn't bring up this incident again unless the conversation flows that way, but always be frank, honest, kind and if things get too sketchy, you can ban him for good. My kids have a few neighborhood friends who are dicey. I realize their parents aren't great. I'm understanding and friendly with them at times, and at other times I yell at them to go home if they're being bad. Kids are resilient. Just face him head on with respect and firmness.

I don't think I would have kicked the kid out, even though that's what you'd like to just do! I would have just said to the child, "that's not going to happen, that's not what happens at birthday parties, you may take the goodie bag". If he continued on and on, then I would have called his parents to come get him. Him not bringing a gift is irrelevant, which you already know.

I would go and talk to the parents and say you felt badly about asking him to leave and wanted to explain why. He's a child who should know better but doesn't, you would be helping him by bringing it to his attention. Before I did that, I might even try to get a feel for what type of parents he has and how they'll respond.

I have worked with quite a few at-risk kids in high school, and most of them have a history much like this boy; poor guidance from parents who were themselves never taught correctly.

I learned that many of these kids responded positively to positive attention. They tended to shut down and withdraw, or occasionally act out in angry ways, when criticized or judged. So positive attitude and positive suggestions are exactly what I gave them, even though judgment was sometimes the easiest option. I focused not on what was wrong, but what could be righter. Over three years as a tutor, I had many such students, and only two "failures" who seemed to be beyond giving a damn. A few of them have contacted me in the years since to thank me for believing in them.

Talking to this boy's parents is probably not going to be very effective. But you might be able to let him know that you would LIKE to welcome him over to play occasionally, AND you need a few basic rules followed. If he maintains good behavior even for a little while, notice it appreciatively – not over the top fakery, just a smile and a quiet comment. This can be magic to a child who doesn't hear it often. You, too, can be a person who made a difference to a neglected child.

Without adult mentors who show him he has real human value, he may simply turn out like his parents, and produce another generation of unguided children.

I would have used this as an opportunity to teach my child compassion. A child should not be held responsible because his/her family did not buy a gift. When the child demanded the gift, I would have just corrected the child saying this is Johnny's birthday present and you can not have it.

This boy is a child and I think it was far more mean of you to kick him out of your house quite frankly.

It's hard to know what to say without knowing the ages of the kids involved.

I think the best way to approach a child like this friend is to educate him. Take the position that he just doesn't know any better. Perhaps he's been to too many huge parties with 25 kids which, frankly, look like big gift-grabs. He's also seen families nearly go broke trying to provide expensive venues and expensive goody bags (we've seen posts on Mamapedia with party-giving moms wondering if a $20 gift card per goody bag is enough!). It's also possible that his family cannot afford all these gifts (a party every other weekend x $25 a gift gets extremely expensive, and that's if they only have one child!).

It's hard to tell a child that he's being mean when he just doesn't know better. If he's sitting in a room watching someone get all the toys and attention, and all he's heard from parents is "You have to share", and then he demands that someone share, you can't blame him! He's confused and misguided, but mostly he's miserable. He needs adult help to navigate social situations.

I think your window to talk directly to the child was at your party. You take the child aside and say that it's not nice manners to demand things, that the birthday is not about gifts but about celebrating with games and cake and fun. If you asked him to leave, I'm assuming he was either belligerent or old enough to go home (perhaps to a neighboring house?) alone - or both.

You cannot address him directly now. You can't call him up without discussing it with his folks. Yes, you can consider talking to the parents, but you have to be careful because you have no idea what they have already said to him, only what you've observed. If you sent him home on his own, then you might want to address the issue with the parents and say that you're sorry you had to send Mikey home, but he wasn't having a good time and was unable to calm down about demanding a birthday gift from your son. You hope he's feeling better. You wonder if they want to share with you what was going on with him and how else you might have handled it. You will also have to tell them why you did not call them to pick up their child.

Try not to base everything on what another kid told your kid about what this boy said! And try not to base anything on what another parent said. The exception would be if these kids are old enough to get together on their own and if there might be situations where they are unsupervised.

I'd start from the position that he is an unhappy child, for some reason. If he doesn't get much attention or guidance at home, then he may need some helpful parents to take him under their wing, teach him some social skills and teach him a little about gratitude. If you refuse to let him in your house, you make him even more isolated than he is now. It takes a village, sometimes. So see if you can reach out in kindness and try to find out what was going on with him that day.

If this child has nothing, see about arranging a toy exchange. Or organize all the kids to collect gently-used toys and books to donate someplace that has nothing, such as a shelter or an agency for new immigrants. It helps kids appreciate what they have (and stop the endless "give me, give me" attitude that they all get sometimes, and it teaches them to be compassionate and unselfish.

I think that by asking him to leave, you did the right thing. I don't think talking to him again about the same issue is necessary.

Going forward, I would not allow him over to the house. If he asks why, then that would be a good opportunity to explain that his words and actions haven't been acceptable.

I wouldn't talk to his parents unless he continues to give you trouble, or comes around after you've told him he's not welcome.

How sad for this boy that is he on his own!!! My heart breaks for him. He lives with his parents (or maybe one parent, whatever), but he is NOT being raised! So sad!!!!! Have a big heart for him, give him a small gift (not your son's bday gift, but something else), as he is desperately craving love, attention, and affection. He is not getting this at home. :(

That is an incredibly weird and unusual circumstance.

The only thing you should have done differently is have someone cover the party for you while you walked the child home, so you could let his parents know the real reason for it, instead of whatever made-up thing he likely told them.

You need to talk to the parents before you can evaluate the possibility of being able to handle the kid.