About 18 months ago, my husband found a friend of his from high school online. He had lost touch with her through moves and her changing her name. They had been in touch briefly after we were married, we sent a Christmas card to her family, etc. My husband and I have heard about and even met some of one anothers past love interests and close friends and it's never been too strange. We both have pretty good friendships with just about everyone we ever dated or friends of the opposite sex from high school and college. This girl in particular was never a girlfriend, but she did stay with his family for a short time when her parents were going through a bad divorce and her past has been clouded with some periodic drug use, etc. He only knew her for a year or two.
I was happy for him that he had found an old friend and being that we are pretty open about this stuff and trusting of one another, I wasn't bothered that they were catching up via email or even that they had exchanged numbers. Turned out she was going through a nasty divorce, isolated in a state where she didn't know a lot of people that weren't mutual friends of her ex-husband, raising two little kids on her own, etc. She needed someone to talk to and I noticed that they started talking a quite a bit. One day, his phone even rang right when he had come in from work, he didn't hide it and said, it really wasn't a good time to talk, since he was home with his family. Well, over the next several months, I noticed more of this, unable to get a hold of him at work, him having another call and needing to go and his phone ringing at midnight or sometimes later! I decided to do something I do not do and check his phone one night while he was in the shower-text after text of photos of her-seemingly harmless showing him how she looks now(she lost a significant amount of weight), asking which new glasses she should get, and one that said, "Everytime I think about having you in my life, I feel so happy..blah, blah, blah!" This woman also began talking on FB to my husband's sisters and tried to friend me too....she was just shoving herself into our lives!
I was furious and immediately confronted my husband from a place of love. I let him know that obviously nothing was going on physically from 1000 miles away, but for another woman to make those kind of statements about my husband was unacceptable. That as a woman who had given up a career to stay home and raise a child and take care of a home, a woman that commits herself 100% to being the best wife she can be, this was a slap in the face to me. That I realized she needed a friend and was going through a hard time, but that it wasn't the job of another woman's husband to provide that level of support. I made sure he knew I was hurt and that it needed to scale back and he immediately sent her an email laying out the concerns, he let me read it....I thought it had been taken care of and I thought I was a big person for not calling her up or saying, end the communication.
Well, over the next several months, she crept back in...same kind of stuff, calls, texts and I was turning into a person that I do not want to be. Letting my mind run wild wondering, checking phone lists and sneaking into my husband's phone....not my proudest moments. Anyway, long story short, there was a big blowout between my husband and I and I said, cut it off....no more calls, no more texts, I don't care if you remain friends online, but the constant communication has got to end, you can't see the games this woman is playing and how she is working you over in the name of friendship and using you and coming between us! Probably our worst fight ever, we don't do that! I thought this was finally all settled, he told her that they needed to stop talking and why and it's been probably 8 months now and a done deal...I haven't even really thought about it and low and behold....I get this in my fb this morning:
"I know you don't like me, but I really want to catch up with (husband) and would like us to all be friends. You have nothing to worry about because I have met the love of my life and am madly in love. You seem like a great person, I really hope we can try" (from her)
My initial gut reaction is to tell her exactly how I feel and do it in a manner that is not only polite, but direct and stern. I don't like confrontation, but I believe in behaving as an adult. My husband and I are in a stressful time financially, raising a 2 year old, health concerns for me personally, making major decisions about things that affect our family-we DON'T need this kind of garbage in our life! I feel like too, if she has everything she wants and needs, she wouldn't need this supposed friendship with us SOOOO badly. I love staying in touch with old friends online, but I DON'T need it and I have never even come close to crossing these kind of boundaries with old male friends, nor have they with me. I would cut off a friendship in a heartbeat if I felt it threatened or undermined my marriage in any way.
So, what would you do? How would you respond? Would you tell your husband and bring up this old nasty issue, or handle it quietly? Sorry so long, but I figured the background info was necessary!
I know you are all waiting with baited breath, so here goes. First off, I let husband know when he got home from work, I let him come in and relax a little first, instead of attacking him. I told him I thought he should see something and showed him the message and friend request. He seemed rather shocked and said he hadn't heard from her in months, which I believe, as he had blocked her numbers after the blowout. He said that he agreed, she keeps crossing lines and I told him that I would be handling this and I needed him to be aware, should she try to contact him and make some claim to my accusations. And we agreed again, this is a closed door and she has no place in our life.
Thank you all for your advice, it was very helpful in gaining some clarity as to what I wanted to say. Although I strongly considered ignoring her and letting her stew about it, I think that presenting myself as a strong, intelligent woman who knows exactly what it going on the life of her husband presents a far better picture than cowering away and not protecting my turf. Too many times, people don't fight for their marriages in the little things and the big, it's important to me that all others and my spouse know that I am fully invested in the protection of "US!" So, here's what I sent to her this morning and then immediately blocked her.
Name-
While I appreciate your candor and am flattered, I have to wonder why you would so vehemently seek out a friendship with someone whom you’ve never met and concluded does not like you. Furthermore, I’m not certain how well a friendship can develop between two people living very separate lives in separate places. I am not in the habit of “friending” anyone on FB whom I have not met face to face. It seems to me that you already spent several months sufficiently “catching” up with (husband) through emails, texts, photos, and phone calls. Many of which occurred at inappropriate hours of the day and far too frequently.
While your attempts to rekindle an old friendship may seem harmless to you, they have been received as anything but. Regardless of your intentions, your actions have proven otherwise. I find your continued pursuit of (husband)s time disrespectful to the boundaries of our marriage. And I am certain your energy would be better spent focusing on the man in your life.
(husband) and I wish you nothing but the best in your relationship and endeavors. I must respectfully decline your request for friendship and further communication in the best interest of my family.
So that's that. I shouldn't have to mention this ever again! Thanks again!
Here's what I would do. I would respond by telling her there are no hard feelings and that you and "Bill" wish her all the best!
Then both block her and change numbers.
Done.
"Dear so and so. Unfortunately due to your excessive and inappropriate communication level with my husband before now, I am not interested in maintaining a friendship with you. Other than our adoration of my husband, you and I have nothing in common. I am so glad to hear your good news and wish you the best. Take care." ......And then NEVER respond to ANYTHING from her again. Block her, etc. Tell the hubs to do the same.
or
"Dear so and so. Are you high? I'm so glad to hear you wouldn't mind an old friend texting and calling your new love constantly at all hours, and chatting with his sisters, and sending him pictures of herself trying on glasses, but you're a bigger woman than me. Scram. If I hear from you again, or find out you're STILL trying to be my husbands buddy, you'll be sorry you have a fb account."
or actually, Jen B's letter is PERFECT.
or
Don't respond. Block her, and tell the hubs to do the same and make sure he does. Good for you being willing to be stern and handle her. It's the best way. The hubs is to blame for letting it get this far, but don't fight him at this point, unless he refuses to stop talking to her, just stand your ground. This stupid lady has now caused a potentially very bad scene in your marriage since you may end up dealing longer with his inability to hurt her feelings. Warn him in no uncertain terms how ugly this can get, it will never be OK, and dont' back down. This is where the internet REALLY sucks, because it's hard to monitor-you really don't want her friends with him online either. But whatever you decide, stand firm.
It's really kind of creepy how obsessive she is about butting back into your husbands life. To me, the fact that she said anything to you at all is a red flag. She WANTS you to feel safe and comfortable with her friendship with YOUR husband. You shouldn't have to rearrange your life to be friends with this woman. I think you've handled it wonderfully so far, and you need to stay on the same page with your husband. This woman is a little out of control and needs to GO AWAY. Doesn't she have other friends? I don't know, to me, it's just weird and crossing way to many lines. If your husband doesn't feel comfortable telling her this, I think you've been more than patient and cordial and it's time to tell her point blank that she's interferring and you have other worries other than whether or not she's in the picture. I hope for the best possible turn out! Keep us posted and GOOD LUCK!
PS... men tend to be a bit naive when their ego is being mildly stroked. Your hubs is probably flattered by the attention, but this is not the appropriate attention. While HE may have ZERO intentions of any kind of romantic encounter (physically or emotionally) with this woman, SHE definately seems inappropriately attached. If you're admitting to feeling the way you do, she's a problem, and she's got to go. Your husband might feel like you're jealous or getting worked up over nothing, but I truly feel like this woman has other intentions with your husband. Just doesn't sit right with me and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.
Honestly I'd tell her to back off literally. Don't be nice. you've played with this long enough. You need to be straight and honest no beating around the bush, no gray zones. Just be up front and honest. who cares if it sounds mean she needs to be put in her place and you need to tell her it's not appropriate for her to keep texting, calling and other things at all hours of the night. that it is not right for her to be saying certain things and that you feel it be best if she just backed out of your lives forever.
Women are mean vicious by nature, we get very jealous easily. Another woman talking to your husband is like throwing a raw piece of meat into the cage of a starving lion. One of you is bound to get hurt and for sake I hope its her because if she hurts you it could cost you your marriage and family. Right now the only thing that is important is your family not her feelings.
So what she's had a hard life let her deal with it, she put herself there in the first place. you don't know her and your husband is only an acquaintance with her. tell her to back off before you put a restraining order on her. I'd let your husband know that you aren't happy with her trying to make friends with you so she can weasel her way into your life again. I'd change your numbers and block her from facebook. I don't tolerate things like that with my husband and I've already had to deal with it a few times. Good luck.
Oh yeah, cut her off at the knees baby. I would probably do it something like this, "Glad things are looking up for you. My family is focusing on our own lives at the moment and ask you to do the same. Please don't contact my husband, thank you." I wouldn't get into any tit for tat business, but I would tell her straight up, based on everything else you wrote I am just like 99.9% sure she has some ulterior motives, whether she admits even to herself!!
I would keep your response short & direct. Don't let her know any of your feelings. Just something along the lines of "she needs to get a life of her own without your family in it!".
Good for you for protecting your family!
She's a tramp-wish her well and tell her to sod off-and cc your husband.
My suggestion is no drama. No emotion. Don't give her a reason to 'tattle' to your husband about your crazy jealous behavior. (not saying you are behaving crazily, you sound extremely thoughtful and giving to me) Here's my idea:
Dear Jane,
I am very happy to hear of your new love and wish you only the best. Thank you for your offer of friendship, however I really don't feel comfortable with it. I hope you can understand and respect my wishes and refrain from contacting us in the future.
Take good care of yourself,
Mary
Hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 'Nough said...Totally unaccetable. I don't care who she's met...She's crossed the line many times over! If your DH loves and respects you he will cease communication and ties via email or facebook and focus on his relationship with you and his family.
You can be direct and tell her flat out that she needs to back off and since she's found the "love of her life" to move on and concentrate on that instead of an emmotional relationship. Your DH is spoken for...Move on 'sista!
I agree with the other ladies. Enough is enough. You and your husband have said your peace, so there is no more reason for communication. Don't bother responding. Block her from your FB account. Done.
Good luck to you.
I say leave well enough alone. If you and your husband are already dealing with stress (of a different nature) then you don't need more added. If the contact has been cut off for 8 months then leave it that way for all involved. You were fine with her friendship until she crossed the line and pushed the relationship to an uncomfortable level. Either do not respond at all, which sends a message of it's own or respond to her tell her what she did that was wrong. Let her know that this type of influence is not needed in your life. That you are glad she had a chance to reconnect with an old friend (your husband) but that time has passed and she needs to move on. It is possible that she is contacting you now because your husband no longer responds to her emails, etc. You don't have to like her because she drove a wedge between you and your husband. You are not required to be polite to her, do what you feel is necessary, it seems as if you have good instincts.
Good Luck
Ok...I think you are right on with this woman. She is toxic and is releasing her venom into your family. Whether those intentions are clear to her or not. They are very clear to you and she stepped out of the boundaries and you have every right to be upset!!!
If you don't respond back to her I think that still leaves the window cracked. This woman is stupid...she is stupid enough to think "well maybe she didn't get my message" or "maybe she responded back and I never got the response" etc. the list could go on.....nip this one in the bud. Keep it simple and keep it short and to the point and make it very clear what your expectations are. I think I would indeed be honest and truthful with my husband about it and let him know what you plan to do. That way nothing gets twisted somewhere in between. She is toxic cut her off and cut her off for good! It's women like "that" that destroy families each and every single day and they use the excuse "it just happened-sorry". Nope you allowed it to happen twitch. Go get a man of your own-she knows he is married-just be prepared to be called a controlling jeolous biatch but all that matters is what you and your husband think and know which is the truth. She may not have any alterior motives here but there should be a certain line of respect when it comes to a married woman or man. Period. Especially when children are involved as well-shame on her! She needs to be prayed over because I'm sure he ain't the only one....did you ask her if her "new" lover was a married man?
If she is happy as she claims to be why does she need your husband's constant attention?
Yes, write her back, tell her while you feel flattered by her words, tell her we just don't know each other. live thousands of miles away, and you do not understand how a friendship can start when the circumstances are as such. tell ehr also that both you and your husband have joint friends, and also friends of your own but you or him do not have a friend who is as hell bent into staying into contact like she is to the point of making everyone worried what her intentions are?? tell her that you wish her all the best but at this time in ya'll life you just don't have the time for her. tell her you think she did plenty of catching up with your husband over the course of all these months and that it was crossing boundaries. hence a decision has been made by you and your husband. tell her you hope she understands.
I would communicate with the hubby that she emailed me and that I am going to respond (because she may make it known anyway), it is not you bringing up this issue it is the female. From what I have experienced if she was a friend than she would have backed off knowing what the communication is doing and communicate with your hubby on his terms like he asked her to do, she would respect the boundaries of your family. If she can not do that then Yes I would ask myself what is her agenda? I agree be stern with her and let her know you are not playing with her or no one else when it comes to your family and because she keeps trying to slip in I would allow the hubby to know that he needs to delete her as friend and end communication because she is being disrespectful to him and your family.
I think Amy J's first suggested response is spot-on.
I also think you should let your DH know what she wrote, and share with him what you replied back (so this other woman can't go crying to your DH about "how she tried to be nice, and make friends with you, but you're so mean.. blah blah" nonsense, in case she is crazy/manipulative enough to try to do so (and she probably is).
You seem to have a open door policy on past relationship so that being said and from what I read in the beginning of your message this is not something that I would be suprised at reading from couple's who allows past relationships to be in their present one's. IT DOESN'T WORK, set boundaries, you have to have respect for eachother.
I would just send her a reply simply saying, "No thank you. Best wishes with your new love." And leave it at that. You know you don't need to "worry" about her with your husband. He has proven faithful to you. He has been honorable in cutting it off and putting your feelings ahead of hers. Make sure you commend him on that! It would be tempting to go on and on and say more than you should. A simple no thank you is sufficient to express your heart in it, and it gives no room for the conversation to continue. Neither of you need her in your lives. She's dangerous because she saps so much out of both of you. Blessings!
You got a lot of great answers. I would like to point out one little thing also. Your husband and this woman were having an "emotional" affair. And while there is no sex involved these type of affairs can ruin a marriage just like a regular affair. We fall prey to these types of affairs, I think more so for men, because we tell ourselves we aren't doing anything wrong because we are not having sex. Your husband did participate in this ongoing several month ordeal. I think you should do a little research on this type of affair and sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart. When we are undergoing a lot of stress in our marriage sometimes we look for outside "distraction" to make us feel better. Good Luck with all of this!
I think that you need to take a step back. I do believe you are right on with this W. - that she is manipulating your husband.....however, continuing to make a stink about her and letting her into your thoughts is giving her power over you and your marriage. DO NOT give her power.
I would send my husband the e-mail/inbox I got from her. I would let him know that you don't appreciate this and he needs to handle it. I would NOT respond to her. Why? because for some reason (legit or not) you are jealous of her...and I don't think you should be. I would be upset with my husband for telling her that I don't like her...that just gives her ammunition and if he's going to want to 'escape' from your nagging - he's going to go where he KNOWS she won't judge him! or nag him.
Continue to make your marriage a priority. Ensure your husband knows that you are NOT threatened by her or her antics. By checking in on your husband, you are essentially giving her power. You are telling him that you don't trust him. I know that is NOT what you want to convey - but that is what you are conveying to him.
You have enough stress on your plate right now - why put this there too? I'm not saying ignore her - I am saying don't give her power in your life. The more you stress or worry about her - the worse it will get. You and your family deserve better than that.
Now, on the flip side - the other side of the fence?? her side? if you want it over and done with - why don't you ask her WHY she feels this need to rekindle this relationship with your husband? The old saying goes - keep your friends close and your enemies closer....so you don't want her to be an issue? friend her - be as sweet as honey to her....you never know what can happen....but the bottom line? don't give her power over your marriage. She is a non-issue - keep it that way. Don't nag him. Don't give him reason to want to "escape"....everything will be fine!! You keep focusing on your marriage and making YOUR relationship with your husband a priority!
Sounds like this woman needs a friend. She is not going about it appropriately. Don't confront your husband again. He did his part. Don't be nasty to the woman either, she did have a past with your husband, but do set the record straight with her by drawing boundaries as to what you will NOT accept because it is interferring with your marriage and leave it at that. Do not encourage the communication other than a card here and there.
She did without your husband's friendship during the time she lost contact, she can do it again. Another reason I hate FB...it causes so much unwanted relationships to emerge!
Best of luck in cutting the relationship off, but do it as if you were in that lady's shoes. She seem to be going thru a lot, but you don't want it to ruin your marriage either.
Wow!! Your right...what I should do is not answer her message or say nothing to my husband, she will figure it out, (but this is me) I dont like drama and if she's just trying to get into your family one way or another this will give her the note that you don't care about her as she's saying there. Also if she try to tell your husband that she's trying to be your friend only two things can happen or he began to notice that this friendship is no good for a his marriage or he will act as a child for not letting him have this friend ( we all know most of man doesn't realize all this at first )...but hope with time and ignoring her everything gets the way is used to be....good luck
I say dont respond, dont acknowledge her existance and that would bother her more then any satisfaction she may get from a reply. Like you have already stated you dont desire her in your life so let it lye
