What Would You Say?

i just assume that the person has my daugthers best interest at heart and doesnt want to be one of those people who walked away from an abused or abandoned child. As we have all seen in the newspaper lately. I normally just ignore the person and repsond to my 2 year old, very calmly and sweetly "oh yes its so hard and so unfair to be 2, mommy is so mean and rotten and is clearly being mean" this way people can hear i am calm and my baby is fine and normally i am so pathetic it makes my daughter stop and ask if "momma crying?". and then there are the times I throw her limp body in the cart and go to the car to cry! Be strong!

I have a 2 yr old, but I will be honest, this has never happened to me. But, I remember reading a "solution" to it, and basically not feeding into it, but also leaving the store. I know its a hassle to leave, even with a full cart, but its what you may have to do. Tell her, if you do not stop we will go home now, and then just follow through with it. She will know you mean business with what you tell her. As far as the other lady, you did the right thing by not saying anything to her, it would have made it worse and you were the bigger person.

While thankfully I haven't gotten to deal with temper tantrums like that quite yet, I am a very natural eprson and my daughter rarely wears clothes. I took her to the store a few months back in nothing but a diaper, and while it was slightly chilly it was not cold, and as I was walking into the store (carrying her) an older woman stopped me and began a loud drawn-out ruckus about how I was mistreating my child and an irresponsible parent for not dressing her before she went out of the house.

In my defense, I saked the old gal if she believed in God. This stopped her dead for a moment, after which she replied why of course, how dare I ask something like that? To which I responded, if she believed in God why would she object to a child being carried in a natural form, bare to the world and it's elements? Didn't god make her like that and isn't it glory to god to enjoy the form of youth? After this she promptly shut her trap and moved on, since by this point her ruckus had gathered a small crowd and she was obviously embarrased.

I hate he be the punk kid who does that to old ladies, but mind you own business and you can't get your tongue bitten, ya know?

Kudos to you for your follow through! When I worked in an outpatient clinic (I have my Ph.D. in Clinical Child Psychology) and had parents come in with their kids for tantruming behavior, I always asked about their tolerance for embarassment. Tantrums have to be ignored, as long as the child is safe. So, occasional public outbursts will occur, but as you say, only briefly. It can be hard in the moment, but feeding into the tantrum only reinforces the behavior. As for your response to the woman needing to comment on your parenting, how wonderful that you had the self-control not to say something back. I'm a hothead, so my first inclination would be to comment, but then, what am I teaching my child. Yes, I want her to learn to defend herself when necessary, but what would I teach her if I responded to ignorant people who don't know what they're talking about. Not responding models good behavior for your child--if you can do it. Again, good for you for handling a bad situation beautifully.

Dear K.,
First off hooray for you.I believe that you did the right thing, you know your own child and what will or won't work in a given situation.Trying to use other tactics just to please others in how to handle a situation with your child can and most likely would prolong a bad situation and possibly make it worse.As for the woman who felt the need to say something I feel you also handled her very well by not responding which would have turned your focus away from your daughter,stressed you with a comeback and once again prolonged your childs little outburst.We all have our own tricks that we use when it comes to our children, and I feel if it works use it. I am a mom of four grown boys ages 15,19,22&25.I've always stuck to what I believed and what worked for us and they have grown up just fine. As a side note I was watching my sisters 2 year old son in a doctors office while my sister took in her 4 yr old and he wanted to go in but it was a cardioligists office and they asked that just patient and parents go so we waited out in the waiting area. My nephew had a little melt down and threw himself on the floor and cried I new he would stop in a matter of minutes and let him be,but two other moms just couldn't help themselves they said something to me about being cruel and when I just gave them a smile they felt the need to whisper to each other,but who cares my nephew had already calmed down and once again I couldn't help but to look directly at them and smile again.I hope that this has helped you to reaffirm your actions with your own child. Parenting is alot of fun even with the difficult times so enjoy it all.
Sincerely,
C., mom of four boys

This actually happens to me a lot! I live in S. Fl. with so many seniors, so when my nieces/daughetrs act up, I just offer to let them try to reason with her! Thank God, she calls them poopey-heads too! LOL, and good luck- kids will out grow this stage! Your strategy is correct- do not feed into their bad behaviour. I also walk down the aisle, and my girls will give up and come after me, like nothing has happened. God bless you & your family!
Kathy

To K., I would say that I think you did exactly the right thing, as difficult as it is to pretty much ignore the situation. I would hope that I would either ignore her, or say something polite but dismissive like "She'll be fine, this will resolve itself in a minute." Good for you for not feeding into the tantrum. Of course, if it didn't resolve itself quickly, I agree with the person who recommends leaving the situation and the full cart (as difficult as that is), and removing her from the store.

To all of the people who would tell the woman to "F*** off" or "Have lunch at Flemings, you B***H", is that really the behavior that you want to model to your children? Is somebody being rude to you an excuse for you to be rude back to them, and to teach your children that that is the way you should behave? It might make you feel better, but it's not how I'd like my children to see me.

I see you have quite a few responses, but I figured I would share my particular experience. Before Christmas last year, I had to send a package to my family out of state, and I had to take my girls because my husband had to work. Well, my daughters were 25 months and 5 months. I had my 5 month old on my in her Snuggly and had my 2 year old "on a leash" because she likes to run off on her own(one of those puppy back packs with a long tail attached) And I had a big box to send. I was finally to the counter and had to fix something on the box. My 2 year old was getting VERY upset at this time. She decided to throw herself on the floor and scream. I just ignored her and tried to hurry, since I was almost done and I HAD to get that package sent then. Well, a guy working at the P.O. decided to tell me that "I needed to get my daughter under control!" (If sending that package wasn't so important I would have just left.) I was so angry and embarrased by his comment. I'm sure I was beat red. I've never been good at witty responses, so all I said was she's 2 what do you expect me to do. He said "well if you don't know maybe you shouldn't have kids." I said he must not have kids and he said yes, but they never acted like that. I don't know what you do in a situation like that. I was so angry, if I didn't have my baby straped to me I probably would a climbed over the counter and punched him! I know this probably doesn't help any, but I know it feels good knowing your child isn't the only one. To this day that event makes me so upset.

I'd personally tell her to go **** off, it's not her kid so what the heck does she care. If she doesn't want to hear it then walk away. What she has never seen a kid cry. That's just the way I am, especially when it comes to my kids. I have 4 kids and they all have had their tantrums when they were young, it's absolutely normal, they have made scenes in the grocery store not to mention other places. I would ususally carry them put them in the cart and go on with my shopping. If I was with someone I would take them outside until they settle down. I don't believe in hitting. They all grow out of it.

I probably would have told her off. You have alot more restriant then I do. Something like take a flying leap... It's sad when people think they need to make stupid comments. I live in Daytona, many old people live there and make comments, but they are old and probably senile...haha. You did well! Good job! Jen

I probably would have responded the same way. In today's world everyone thinks they know everything that they would do in YOUR situation. Regardless of what you would have done whether it was scold her, give her a dirty look, stayed calm like you did someone was going to have an opinion. One thing Ive learned is that everyone has and they're entitled to it. As a mom we understand our kids and their needs if you knew that she just needed to lay on the floor for a second then you did what any mom should do meet their childs needs. Kids need germs anyway. lol I took my son to Walmart yesterday and thats never a short trip especially in the line. I like to make silly faces or I basically make a fool of myself talking to him because i know that hes gonna get bored or i give him something to play with, or make sure i either bring snacks or i might have to buy some. Dont let peoples opinions bring you down there are no set rules in motherhood or parenting for that reason so dont let them get you down. As far as comebacks I would have given her such a dirty look she would have ran away or i would of told asked if she pushed my son out since she was telling me how to dicipline my son i have a smart mouth so i try to keep calm cause its never good for the kids to see you arguing with people or upset for any reason.

Hope this helps.
=)
Millie 24 single mom of a 14 month boy

I would probably be a bit sarcastic, "well thanks If you didn't point that out I wouldn't have known that - and your actually on candid camera, now grab my cart and go pay for my groceries" Thanks
all I can say is you have more control with your words than me.
Good luck with future shopping

I have had this happened to me as well except I was told that I needed to call Nanny 911. My child was not nearly as bad as the children on that show and I was very upset by her comment. People like that make it hard to disapline our child due to fear of them calling Children Services!!!! I too kept my mouth shout because someone would have called 911 on me if I had spoke my mind.

K.,
I think (for what it is worth) you did the right thing by letting your daughter wear herself out. Responding to her would have given her a license to tantrum for years to come. I have taken up this line of thinking for a self defense mechanism with people that you encounter who know soooo much more about your situttions than you.
In your most sugary sweet voice say, "You are so right, I'm so fortunate you are sharing this with me. I will deeeefinitely try it out next time. Thank you sooooo much for sharing with me. I am so lucky to have run into you...etc etc."
People like to her themselves talk and espcially when they get the opportunity to pontificate. If you argue, they will just go on. If you ignore them, they will walk away with the arogance they arrived with, but if you feed them what they feed you, then 9 times out of 10 aren't smart enough to know how to react.
Unfortunately, you may find yourself doing this over a wailing child, but that will be one less headache to deal with!

Hi K.,
I'll read others' come back lines along with you, since I think slower on my feet than faster. I'm preparing to adopt a child and of course, life will change. Yes, I would love to hear about the work at home idea. Good time to reach me is 8 -8:30 am weekday mornings at ###-###-####. Since it's Friday I look forward to chatting next week if that is a good time for you.
Helen M.

When it's happened to me, I either ignore people (they don't bother me) or I actually let them know that they are not being helpful (because they think they are and someone needs to let them know!)I used to hate it when my son was melting down in the shopping cart and people would say to him, "Awww. what's the matter?" Did they really think he was going to tell them, or that asking would help in any way whatsoever? I would just calmly ask them not to talk to him right now and move on. Once, though, I was in a store by the check out and he started a melt down and my mom was with me and said I really should take him outside because he was being so loud and disturbing others. But I was not willing to stand outside in the FL heat- sorry! I knew it wouldn't last long, and it didn't ever last because he knew I wouldn't cave in. On child #3 now, and I know that they melt down for a reason and it's better to just be proactive-- always have snacks and bottle/sippy in case they are hungry/thirsty... do not try to run big, long errand if their nap time falls in the middle (unless they are the type to fall asleep on your shoulder/stroller/shopping cart)... and have a bag of tricks to entertain them so they aren't bored.

I read your " alittle about me:" and it sounds like you are very knowledgable when it comes to working with children. I would have said something about it like thanks for your opinion on my child but I have a masters degree in child development--I don't want to feed the negative behavior.

Kudos to you for having the grace to ignore someone with no class. I have a little card on my refridgerator that says "Children live what they learn" and I believe that's true. You set the best example you could have while sticking to you guns. I have found that the more often I take my kids into public, the quicker they learn proper behavior, so don't let this discourage you from future outings. This is a grocery store, so letting your child throw their tantrum without getting the attention they are seeking is the best thing, had you been in a nice restaurant I would say take the child out of the situation simply to be respectful to the other patrons. Best of luck to you and I'd love to hear about your work from home business.

oh yeah i usually respond. if someone dares to say something when there's already fire going on my blood is already boiling and they have it coming.
usually, depending on what was said, i say
and you had to open your mouth didn't you. or hey horse keep walking, keep walking. or did you skip your medication this morning. or did i ask you anything.
and i do this because i was once single and i was on planes or places where there were people with kids throwing temper tantrums. i never once said anything to anyone, just moved along. why on earth does someone have the need to say anything. obviously as moms we do our best. but some of us have very active kids. and we just have to deal with it. actually a few weeks ago we went to grocery store and my almost 3 year old girls kicked and screamed the entire time. i still did my shopping. a few weeks later, we were at mcdonalds and this man comes to me and says yeah you were at safeway the other day right (weeks not days), and i smiled and said who can forget us? and he said you have awesome kids. now that was nice. obviously my girls were so loud this man remembered them weeks later yet he didn't criritcise he just said a nice word. stuff like that, i like. if you have a negative comment....keep walking horse
:)

I don't know what I would have said but it probably shouldn't be printed here anyway! I am flying with my 23 month old in a week - I hope everything goes well because it's 3 hours trapped in a plane!
What business are you in? Do you have a website I could check out?

OMG K.! I am so heated! She had no, absolutely positively no right!

My son is 2 1/2, at church last week as we were walking to the car he wanted me to pick him up and I said no, as I had his baby sister in my arms already. He got very upset and did the "dead man", he screamed, and finally, I just let him lay there.

Several people tried to help him, so I simply moved closer. One man picked him up and I had to interven and tell him my son was not lost rather throwing a tantrum. Mind you this is while everyone is leaving mass.

Do I care people are judging and looking at me funny, certainly. Do I contain myself? I try. The alternative is beating my child silly which is acting out of my own embarassment rather than for rearing purposes.

An older woman came up to me (in her 60's) and said, "I had two boys, you'll get through it. They all do this. He's probably just tired."

They were words of encouragement rather than criticizing which still lead to embarassment for me, but I was appreciative that she was trying to be very nice. She said all this as if her sons were still babies and reminded me that it will go by so quickly and not to worry about it.

I made a joke about terrible two's,with the crowd that gathered, picked him up and took him to the car.

People who look at me funny, I simply say, "this is what my doctor told me to do for as long as it takes." Who can argue with what your doctor said? (and my doctor did say that.)

Best of Luck. I'm sorry that woman had no clue, she probably didn't even have children.

~J.

Hey K.:

I know how you feel. I have two kids one is very active and impulsive and the other is the polar opposite. I was in Church once and one of the member of the church committee said to my daughter (9 months) “You make up for what your Brother does”. My Son is the active one and has hard time being in one place for along time (i.e. Church, grocery store).

Two weeks later at Church my son decided it was time to walk around and look at the books. I had no problem with it but the same lady saw my son walking a little bit ahead of me and grab my son by the arm. He did the dead mans drop and started screaming. That’s when my temper hit and I told her to never touch my son again!!!!! I am sure that I going to have to go to confession for that but some people don’t understand that what we are doing is what is good for the child. My son is a great kid but you have to understand him to get him to behave.

My advise is this, ignore the people and if they have to make a comment to you. Say it “do you have children?” If they say no then say “I hope when you do they are perfect just like you” If they say yes “I’m sorry, I not perfect like you. I’m sure that you have never had your children misbehave in public before, good for you”

Good luck

K.

i know this is very late. but if you look at my profile at one of my requests, you will see that you are not the only one that something like this has happened too. only i couldn't give my piece of mind because she just left a letter on my windshield of my truck. but check it out. its labeled was i right or wrong.

I think you did the right thing. Just ignore people giving unsolicited negative advice. They are rude and you shouldn't waste your energy on them. It's one thing to politely offer a suggestion or to relate with a past experience, but to give a mother a hard time when she least needs it is despicable. I wouldn't acknowledge she said anything to you. I don't think snapping back at these people is a good idea. For one, like I said, they don't deserve your time. Secondly, it wouldn't be cute to see your daughter become confrontational with everyone she disagrees with.

hi, I am sorry this happened to you, I know exactly what it feels like for some reason my daughter HATES shopping especially BJ's and Homedepot and of course the grocery store, this has happened to me so many times with usually older women and sometimes they don't say anything at all and just stare and give dirty looks. I guess it's hard for people to understand unless it happens to them. One time I was leaving the park we had been there for over an hour and a pregnant woman gave me dirty looks because I had to carry my daughter out of the park screaming and crying because she did not want to leave, she was with older children not sure if they were hers or not but I felt just awful. My freinds say people who don't have kids usually have something to say or people who haven't had kids in say 30 years but it always seems to happen to me and not them even if their kids are the ones screaming I get the looks and comments I think because I am short and look timid and they are all taller. I have no clue how handle these types of people either. One time I did say to a woman who was w/her husband that everyone has a different personality and we can't punish people for having a personality and then I said look at you your husband isn't beating you for acting like this lol I know it was definately mean but you can only take so much I guess. Sorry to bore you with my long sob stories lol. Em

Hi K., My girls are now 19,17,15,and my son is 12. So it's been a few years but my 15 year old was my BAD child. I was in the winn-dixie when she was about 2, and she decided she was going to throw a temper tantrum and and scream at me because I told her she couldn't have a candy. I picked her up out of the buggy a little and pop her on the top part of her thigh and told her no. There was a older lady on the next lane giving me a dirty look because I hit her and I looked at her and asked her what the hell was she looking at. Her mouth fell open a little bit and then turned her head. Now my 15 year old is the best one. I was different then every one else that responded I didn't let my kids throw a tantrum. They knew if we were in public they needed to be good. And hardly ever hit my kids they got the corners or something taking away. But no matter what OUR kids do it is none of anyones bussiness. So you did good, but I could not have bit my lip like you did. No matter what you do you will always have some judging you.

i would have told her to "F off and keep shopping" I HATE it when people do that!
I was in Publix one day and my 21 month old son was having a fit, i just had to get milk before I could leave, he was so upset his eyes were red and puffy and his nose was running. An employee of the Publix stopped me and told me that he was upset becuase he has a cold and must be getting sick. I said, "no, he is NOT sick he is just mad", she said "Oh no, he is sick, you better get him home!!" Sincee she was a little old lady I decided not to get sassy with her but told her to please let go of the cart so I get him home!!
I know it is so annoning when people try to parent for you, i usually do not take it well when I am already frustraded by my son having a fit. Sometimes it feels good to say something vulger to someone else when you need to get it out but you can't say it to your child. :)

I read your story to my husband and we both came to this conclusion/comment: "Is this your child (pointing)? No? Then, Bugger OFF!!"
I just love British slang.

Yes, we've been there, done that!
--M.