Where Did My Patience Go?

Oh, I so hear you. You expect pick up to be so great and fun and "tell me about your day" and instead it's "can I have a snack what are we having for dinner stop hitting me..." and it's downhill from there : )

This is what I find helps me - get stuff done in the morning. I am NOTTTT a morning person at all, but coming home to a tidy-ish home helps 1000%. For me, this means making sure that the dishes are in the dishwasher, the laundry is in the dryer, and at least knowing what I'm making for dinner. This is how I do it:

I throw a load of laundry in the washing machine right before I go to bed. We have a new-ish washer (nothing fancy) and I find that it's in fine shape for me to hang the next morning (you could throw it in the dryer). Then it can be just folded after the kids go to bed.

We make sure that at least the kids playroom is picked up before we go to sleep so there aren't toys everywhere.

I plan our dinners weekly and I just leave the grocery list on the computer. Then the night before I look at the list and figure out what we're going to eat. If I can manage the energy, I even do some prep (chopping veggies, etc). Cooking dinner twice isn't great, but it makes the next day so much better it's worth it.

Finally, I prep the kids in the car on the way home "When we get home, I'm going to need to do X,Y, and Z before we can play" (change my clothes, let the dogs out, take something out of the oven). Then they're prepared and it makes the whining a little better (sometimes).

Good luck.

it sounds like you need to change your expectations of what will happen when you get home. i would schedule one night each week that the family spends "quality" time together. maybe on this night you order a pizza or cook a frozen one to cut down on the dishes. spend some time playing games together, making a craft, going out somewhere, or just playing in the yard. the rest of the week you do the dishes, laundry, etc and maybe read for 20 minutes before bed for your quality time together. schedule your "quality time". then you can say, "i can't build a dragon out of legos for you at the moment because it's dish washing time, but at ____ time i can play with you whatever you choose." the kids may still throw a fit in response, but it will get better as they see you keeping your word to spend fun time with them. good luck! sometimes it's so hard to juggle everything!

I can identify! I have a three year old, and I am 7 mos pregnant, so I am terminally exhausted! As for the bickering, I would try Parenting with Love and Logic (available at any bookstore and at the library, but is usually checked out at the library). There is a technique in it called the "Energy Drain," and several of my friends who have more than one child say it works wonders! We are using some of the Love and Logic techniques for early childhood with our daughter, and they are fantastic! It's worth checking out if you are dealing with frustration like you are. Good luck, and take a deep breath! =)

I know a little of where you're coming from. I'm home all day, and I don't know how working moms do it--I still can't get it all done! But I have many of the same thoughts and feelings you do. Mine are a little young for bickering, but there is a lot of pushing, biting, hair pulling, hitting, grabbing, etc. I don't have any solutions for you, other than the book, "1, 2, 3 Magic" -- it's a discipline book, and the technique is easy to implement. Should cut down on the bickering and badgering! Good luck.
P.S. You're a great mommy, you just don't have enough hours in the day!

I'm just now reading this months later--further evidence that I really understand how you feel. This week I've felt overwhelmingly guilty about how evenings go at my house, so just reading your post and knowing I'm not the only one who feels like this was reassuring. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I appreciated all the responses you received to this post. One thing that helped us a lot is getting a cleaner. My husband's female coworker suggested it to him, and recommended someone she uses, and while I was initially not a fan of the idea--mostly because the cost overwhelmed me--we found that we were able to cut out other things in our budget to make room for it--and it's been fantastic and so worth it. Having a cleaner come to our house once every two weeks lifted a whole layer of guilt and frustration off of me, and it wasn't until later that I realized it also lifted an anvil off my relationship with my husband (maybe you know what I mean--the anger that grows out of feeling like you are doing more cleaning than your partner).

I know it's hard, but keep fighting the good fight.

Not sure how old your kids are or how long your drive home is so this may not be useful but maybe try stopping at a park on the way home so you can get some fresh air and the kids can get some fun time with you/being there. Before you leave tell them what will happen when you get home - unpack bags, cook dinner, feed dog etc and after dinner plan to spend 30minutes doing something together with the TV off.
Also try renting audio books from the library to listen to together on the way home e.g Cronicles of Narnia. No one can talk while the story is being told which can help stop the bickering and give you time to unwind.
Also agree with a cheat meal night - frozen pizza. At least one night a week where you can cook dinner without spending 30minutes cleaning up afterwards.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It's often overwhelming trying to keep on top of everything, your normal !

Sit down with your kids and have a family meeting. Tell them what upsets you. They are old enough to understand.

You need to set some simple rules. My mother used to tell my sister that if she couldn't come into the house at the end of the day with a smile on, she needed to stay outside until she could. (It worked.) Try something like: On the way home in the car, you will not talk unless spoken to.
When we get home, you will do xyz before dinner.
If you bicker you will both sit in time out with your hands folded.

Get them to set the table. They can absolutely help with the laundry - they can take the clothes out of the dryer and put them in a basket. You can't do it all yourself. :-)

You mentioned that your husband works off hours. He should be able to get the dishes into the dishwasher before he leaves. He needs to step up and help - but unless you ask for help, you won't get it.

As for the rest of your house and cleaning and stuff - make the kids help you. Or do some of it in the morning before you leave. Even if you have to get up 15 min. earlier, it will be worth it for your sanity later in the day.

YMMV
LBC

I don't know if I can help other than letting you know you are not alone! I've been trying to work on this myself. My husband just keeps reminding me to focus on the fun when it happens and sometims just let the little things go. It's hard to tell the little things when your in the thick of it, I know, but stop sometimes, count to ten (I too have a temper) and ask if it is worth the energy and anger you are putting forth. Also men need to be hit in the head with bricks, my husband has told me so. Ask for help even if he is not there ask for his help when he is home. Folding laundry or dishis or something so you can get fewer demands on your time and focus on the important things you and the kids. I am a stay at home mom, but getting caught up in the house sometimes I miss the whole day with my kids and that's not right or if we go camping over the weekend the post-camping mess adds too much stress and I need help. I used to get upset (and still do sometimes), but my husband never got the hint so now I just ask, and he's GREAT! Also it's Ok to just stop and be a mommy let the mess go and you and daddy deal with it later. Life is to short and when it is all over I'm sure you would rather be known as a great mom instead of a great houskeeper I know that's my goal. I know this is getting long, but you also need mommy time, take it! Get some one to watch the kids for a couple hours where you do nothing but something for you! Read a book or manicure whatever, but a happy mommy is most important for happy kids give yourself permission.

I know what you mean, we have so much to do and too little time to do it. I like this quote: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller. It helps me remember that the house will ALWAYS be there and be messy, but my LO just wont be there. they grow too fast and I dont want to spend time cleaning when I can be playing/loving them. yeah you do need to pick up and not have it gross, but it helps to remember this. I used to be a Parent Educator also and I have a lot of files on discipline so if you are interested just email me some more info and maybe I can attach a file via email for you and maybe some of the techiniques in the files might help you w. the bickering and the mommy mommy mommy! xo

Oh I feel you! I don't work outside the home but I feel the exact same way by the end of the night, so I can only imagine how you feel. I would agree with the previous two posters...clean what you can and don't stress about it. I stay at home and sometimes feel the same way...there is too much to do AND foster the children's education and development and make them feel loved!! Does your husband help you with any of the house duties? If you both work I don't think it's out of the question to have him pitch in (even if you didn't work, I think that too, but especially if you do!!) around the house sometimes. You can't do everything by yourself.

As far as mommy time outs...those don't work unless you're actually OUT! If I'm home I have to do it all, dad is second choice. See if you can't work something out with husband, family, babysitter to go out at least once a month in the evenings for time with friends or by yourself. OR have someone take the kids out of your house so you can actually be in your own house...alone...gasp!

I also agree about parenting with love and logic...AWESOME! I use it with my kids and I used in my classroom for 8 years...it works. It's hard to do and it's hard to stay super consistent, but you have to do it and if you do it right it will work. Google it and you may find that there are parent classes being held in your area. Many times people teach the class (12 weeks??) out of churches and community centers...it's worth it!!

In the end, you will still have some days where you are not on your "A" game and that's okay too! Hang in there and hopefully take comfort in the fact that you are certainly not alone!

Read the book "Mom! Jason's Breathing on Me" by Wolf. It's funny, easy to read, lots of good advice and been there, had it happen type of stories. Your library should have it.

I have been working really hard to let the housework go and focus on the kids when I get home. The dishes will still be there when the kids go to bed.

How old are your kids, can you talk to them and let them know that you love spending time with them, but you are tired after work and need them to not argue? Are they old enough to "help mom out" by getting along in the evenings? Can they help out around the house and fold clothes or do some of those things? It is still spending time together.

Welcome to the club. I have a 1 and 2 year old, I work full time, and all they want to do when I pick them up from school is to be held by Mommy. I love that they want me, and hate that my attention is divided b/w so many of these other things that you have mentioned. Sometimes I don't even get to eat dinner I am so stressed out. Take a deep breath and give it ALL you've got for the few hours you have them before bedtime. You'll be happier with yourself knowing that they are getting Mommy's undivided attention. And yes, all I can think about after awhile is WHEN are these kids going to bed??? Ha, I don't know of any Mom who doesn't think of that. Oh, and maybe get some exercise if you can, create a few endorphins and you may have a better outlook