Why Is It That Someone "Wasted Their Time" Thinking About Things?

I wrote asking some of these questions recently about why "some people" are mean, and predictably, the meanest people answered first and BOY were they pissed at my question and meaner than ever even though I had not pointed them out in any way. Guess they knew who they were.

Sometimes though, bluntness and frankness are called for (even though it's pretty easy to tell that from mean-ness) Some people feel powerful cyber-bullying. Some people proudly skim. One answer I got was "I didn't even read all of this but..." and then a snarky comment. Why not just skip it? I've seen some rambling one-paragraphs rants with misspellings and typos galore, and I just click away to the next post, not criticize the person who felt like writing it. We're all free to post.

If you have a question, just ask it and be prepared to ignore those comments. We all get those to pretty much every answer-that ONE little accusatory response that has to lash out and assume wrong things about what the original poster wrote.... It sucks some people are like that, but lots of these posters are super thoughtful and smart too, even when they are frank, blunt and disagree.

I don't know why.

I also find the "interesting first question" response seems to imply they are really a regular poster using a new name or a troll.

I was shocked people go read all of a poster's past questions to try to establish a pattern of behavior or thinking. Others will say "I remember you had this problem a few years ago..." Really? How could anyone remember what a stranger on the internet wrote years ago?

I am seriously thinking of having a moms' night at my house where we can vent while the kids play.

As one mom said, it is difficult when you cannot hear our tone of voice or see our expressions as we write.

I know as a mom of an older child, I look back on the things I worried about, fretted over and now realize, they were not a big deal, they were a learning experience and I should have just let it go.

My child not able/ willing to potty train until almost 4. So what? Once SHE was ready, it was only 2 days..of training.

My child suffering with ear infections because my husband feared the procedure and anistesia. I should have just followed my heart and brain and made the choice myself. What was my husband going to do about it? Instead she suffered for so long.

The 2 weeks of being upset because of the teacher she was assigned. Then realized it was a perfect match and the other teacher I thought she should have, was a great teacher, but not the perfect match.

It goes on and on and so when I read that a mom on hereis fretting over something instead of enjoying her child or driving herself crazy with guilt, anger, frustration.. Telling her, to move on, let it go, do not waste energy on this.... I am hoping she will realize.. this worry is not going to be worth her guilt or time...in the long run.

She , her child, her family should not think this is going to somehow ruin their lives..

Also these parents may not realize they are wasting the precious time and energy on these things instead of the positive parts of being with their families and children.

Sometimes there will be things beyond our control, we need to be able to get past it and learn from this. Our children are always watching.. If we cannot get past life's obstacles, hw can we expect our children to get past them?

why does it have to be so?? because its LIFE.
Because it's the written word.
Because you cannot hear me
Because you cannot see me
Because you cannot see my body language.
Because you cannot hear my passion or concern.

This question has been asked numerous times. And each time people state what they bring to the table - none of us are the same. None of us have had the same experience. Even those who have had miscarriages NEVER experience the EXACT same thing.

What **YOU** consider rude? another does not. This plays into our life experiences and what we bring to the table.

Is there a way to "be nice and matter of fact"? Yes. But then again it goes back to what **YOU** consider matter of fact.

There are several, heck, maybe even many, who go back and READ through a person's previous questions and answers to help understand where this person is coming from....especially if they have asked the question several times...

It's VERY easy to misconstrue things. Then again - there are those that post things to intentionally stir the pot and cause drama. Have I stirred the pot? yes. I admit it. There are those who feign innocence at stirring the pot. Change their question, re-write it, etc. Then it creates MORE drama. Some people THRIVE on that drama...

It's like this - because this is life. It's not perfect. You bring your life experiences to the table in hopes to help someone else. Keep them from making the same mistake you did....or tell them how you recovered and got back on track from something similar....

because - it's life.

You've just listed my big pet peeves on here. I think the whole 'why does this bother you' spiel is getting tired. Yes there are questions sometimes where it's warranted, but more often than not it's over-used.

I'll say it again, I really do think there are some who are just waiting for the opportunity to pounce on here and even though you'll clarify yourself and be as detailed as possible it won't matter. Like I asked a question about my MIL using the wrong sponge to wash my dishes and I said twice how grateful I was, but I just wanted to know if others would rewash them.

Well wouldn't you know the claws came out telling me to just be grateful and why am I even worried about it. One really clueless person even accused me of being rich because my MIL washed my dishes! Wow. Like I said I think some people are only on here to try and ruffle some feathers, helping is clearly not their main priority.

Don't get me started on the question skimmers and question twisters! Omg worst pet peeve of all time. Look it's really not rocket science, if you're going to take the time to answer make sure you read and understood the whole question. I love the responses that start with 'I didn't read your whole question but skimmed through because it was too long or blah blah blah'...
Well then don't respond! If it's too long and you don't feel like reading just move on. That's what I do.

Oh those lovely ones who twist that question tighter than a red vine. If something is unclear, ask a question. Don't just assume you read their whole life story in between the lines. Now sometimes it may be obvious or you go and look at their other questions and can make some obvious conclusions. But if not then these people are probably just looking to stir the pot too.
Glad I got to vent that, I'll also bet money that someone is still going to ask you 'why does this bother you?' or say 'I didn't read your whole question' lol!

um.......because it's an honest, and sometimes helpful, response to the question asked?
:/ khairete
S.

Why does this bother you?

(Sorry--couldn't resist!)

Well, you are not going to like this but I only got half way through, a little past the part where you ask why people 'skim' and I have to say that your question is the reason why I skim. No offense to you but it really is kind of long winded and rambling. In this format short and concise is a much better way to pose a question.

I know I have used those words, many times, in my responses.
I guess a gentler way of saying "stop wasting your time worrying/thinking about this" would be
-don't sweat the small stuff
or
-accept the things you cannot change.
It's an honest answer. When someone comes on here wondering and worrying and speculating over something they have absolutely no control over, especially something really trivial and petty, I give my best advice, which often is "stop wasting your time and energy on this!" Life is short, focus on the bigger picture, etc.
A person comes here, asks for advice, and we give it. That's all. Don't you understand that everyone will have their own opinion, and that you won't always agree with it? Isn't that the whole point of getting a "different perspective?"

In my opinion, while it can come across as snarky, people often ask why something matters because they are legitimately baffled ... whether it's because the issue seems trivial to them or pointless or none of the original poster's business, what-have-you .... I think people are genuinely intrigued about *why* certain things get under people's skin and crave elucidation.

it has to be so, because written word is never as expressive as face-to-face, and there will always be things that are taken in a way other than how they were intended.

and because sometimes people are annoyed by a questioner's opinion or perspective.

and yes, sometimes someone's perspective is "WOW i can't believe they are worried about this..." especially when it is a small little thing and some people have much bigger issues they are struggling with. it can give the impression that the poster has no idea that there are so many bigger issues to spend their energy on. i totally get why someone could feel that way. and sometimes, if you ask what we'd do, the honest answer is, "i'd let it go, it's so not something i'd spend any energy on."

everyone has a right to feel how they want to - and i'm sure everyone's feelings, to them, are justified.

this is, i admit, one of those questions i found myself asking..."why?" but you asked, so i answered. we don't have to be bff's on here. and i don't feel i am being rude - simply honest. but if someone is already defensive or sensitive about a subject, it is VERY hard to be matter-of-fact and straightforward with someone, without them putting their own spin on things and taking offense.

I too have been on mamapedia for several years now. I had some run ins in the beginning with people I found rude etc. I finally just let it go, I mean you are taking a sampling from the whole country. The culture differences from North to South alone are huge. I was recently in California and I had a great time but I was blown away at how different it is from Texas. My BFF now lives there and LOVES everything about it, I could never ever live there, just really different. So I suppose differences make the world go round. I know some people come off snippy or down right rude, sometimes I am amazed at the answers but I figure that also comes down to the anonymity factor. This little cyber community is not actually a friend group, more like an office of women who have worked together for a while but are from really different walks of life. There's a camaraderie but not really friendship. I made my decision to take it for what it is, a resource, not a church, a friend group, a place to be understood, I get those things in my real life. It helps and in doing that I have been helped here and I hope helped others. Half the time I think I am the voice that is so different on here at times people don't know what to think, but since I have a chance to help out and the ladies here seem to be able to put up with me, I stick around ;) Just relax, take what you like and leave the rest :) Be happy!

"I've noticed that when people ask questions on here, others respond stating that the person wasted so much of their precious time and life thinking about the thing they are asking about."

Here's my take on that, because I have told folks "No one is worried about this but you" or less harsh words to that same effect: I have found that I, and I think many others, tend to focus too much sometimes on things that simply aren't worth the energy. I find myself up in the night, worrying about some tiny issue at church or school or with friends and eating up my time thinking, "I'm so angry...I'm so upset..." And I have tried in recent years to tell myself: "Right now, at 3 a.m., NO ONE on the planet is up worrying about this but me. The person I'm thinking is angry/upset/who is making ME angry is not as focused on this as I am -- if at all -- in the night or all day long either. It's time to let go."

Hence the statements on here, sometimes, from me and others, that in some cases people who post are coming on here because they are overly focused on offenses or worries that are not worth 3 a.m. loss of sleep, or whatever form their obsession is taking. That's the outside perspective you say people come on here to get: Sometimes, the perspective is mostly, "Nobody's worrying about this but you-- which indicates that your mind is blowing up a small thing into a major issue."

You may think that's meant to belittle the person and the person's legitimate worries. It isn't. When there is a real and serious problem on here, you'll seldom see the "Why are you so worried?" response. But when there are posts like one recently where the mom was wrapped up in anger and very upset over not seeing her teenage son get balloons and a song at the orthodontist's office when his braces came off -- well, that was an example of the kind of issue where a lot of folks posted that "It's not worth wasting your energy over." And many (including me) added some version of: "Look at the real and bigger issue behind the tiny thing you're focused on...."

I am only going to respond to the final bit "Why does it have to be so..."

Because as humans we run all our reactions and responses to life's situations through our own life filters. Five of us could read the same response to someone's question and all have a unique understanding and reaction to it. Someone might think the response was the perfect piece of advice while someone else might think that the person was being rude and insulting.

As readers of the posts and writers of the responses we have no way to completely know what "filters" the writer or the reader is using due to their previous life experiences and their personality.

Thank you for using paragraphs that were easy to follow and not mushed up all together. That is one of the main reasons people skip around. The posts aren't readable.

I know I have been rude to some posters. But most of those times I felt their actions in their situation they were posting about was mean on their part.

I do try to go back through and take out the derogatory comments I do tend to add that don't need to be there. Once or twice I didn't though because I read and read my answer and thought that if I were sitting next to the person and they were asking me face to face that I would not take anything out. I would most likely blast them harder.

So it's hard sometimes to not tell a person what mistake they are making when it's so obvious. Then I'll go through the answers a day or so later to see what the outcome is and almost always the other posters agreed with me but they found nice ways to say exactly what I said. So I learn newer ways to say the same thing without being so harsh. So mama's teach me too.

I think when we ask a question on here with a sincere need for advice we have to understand that we are all different, different cultures, different social status, different family situations, some are working and some have never had to earn a living and would not know how if they were suddenly homeless and had nothing but the clothes on their backs, some have put in their time in the workforce and are able to retire and stay home. All of us have life experiences that influence our answers.

I find a lot of suppositions on here to be annoying. Poor people don't feel entitled to food stamps and assistance, they have worked their butts off most of their lives and some "thing" has happened where they need help. Sometimes they become disabled and sometimes they lose their only source of income. My answers to posters about too many people wanting something or getting stuff for free is going to be jaded.

Having empathy is something that some mom's may never feel for people in certain situations because they know what they would do if they were in that position. If a man hit me or belittled me I know I would find someone to go stay with until either he was out of the hospital for the crack in his skull I gave him with a cast iron skillet up side his head or he was in therapy and on meds. There would be no way I would live with that. So when someone whines about a husband that is not treating them right, I have a hard time being empathetic. So my answers are probably going to come across as rude.

But the facts are when we post a question we are going to get a host of people answering them. We will get opposite sides of the topic. We should weigh them for what they are worth to us and see what we learn from the advice we get.

Cheryl O!!! I may cut/paste/save your answer. Just as a heads up. Love. It.

Taking all of the public forum part out... Just read Cheryl's again...PURELY on the "wasting your time" part:

Sometimes thinking and over thinking is a waste of time. Sometimes its not. Totally depends on the situation.

I'm the kind that looked at colleges, the back tracked to high schools, then which feeder schools fed into my favorite highschools (that fed into the best colleges), and which elementary, and then FINALLy which preschools.

When. I. Was. Pregnant.

To most people, that's a waste of time. Made some good friends doing this,
though (some CEOs, as a matter of fact, as well as 2 school higher ups). Because there's a small subset of parents who do this. That I was poor at the time, only made them like me MORE. Which was kind of funny.

Did the fact that we later homeschooled make this a waste if time in reality? Nope. Did the same thing for homeschooling. Researched what the end goal was, and the various paths that led to it.

That's just what I do. And it's VERY productive. Plans can change, but being AWARE of what the options are is very useful. To me. Maybe not everyone.

HOWEVER, to continue using myself as an example: Some things I think about are a pure and simple waste of time.

Where's the dividing line?

Usefulness, pleasure, and pragmatism.

Pragmatism: if its affecting my life negatively (missing forest for the trees, missing out on the present for the future)... It's a wast of time.

If its causing me emotional hardship / aka NOT a pleasure source (and also not useful) its a waste of time.

If its not useful, and doesn't bring me joy (I do lots of things that aren't useful, purely because its "fun") its a waste of time.

_______

Do I occasionally get my knickers in a twist over something stupid? Yep. Total waste of time. When I see others doing this, do I point it out? Yep. An I judging it to be a waste of time on my own standards? Yep. Does that mean I'm "right"? Nope. Does it mean Im wrong? Nope. Could be EITHER. It's just how I see things. It's fairly rare (I tend to assume that a person is having fun doing xyz if I cannot discern any use from something)... But when a person is spinning out, obviously miserable, over something that they have no control over, "shouldn't" have control over, and is in no way useful to themselves or anyone else... I say so. I could be wrong. But not pointing out that the ulcer they're working on is probably totally unnecessary, isn't a kindness on my part. M

Ahem. ALSO, I'll point out lessons in my own life that actually don't break my useful/pleasure/pragmatism rule, but may appear to. EX) Its generally a good thing to think about how you'll parent. HOWEVER, if you don't have kids, yet, OR haven't gotten there, yet, you're probably "wrong". Why? Because most people (including myself), are. There are MANY standards Ive consciously upheld in regards to my parenting. There are as many (if not more) that are live and learn. Any time a person thinks about something they've NEVER DONE, its a "would like" instead of "would". The thinking is useful, up to a point. Then it becomes "Good luck with that."

Most people, in my experience, have had that "I know everything!" Bubble popped enough to be able to say "I would like to think I would do xyz." As a preface. Some don't. Some think they know everything. Which is a HUGE waste of time. The pride cometh, thing. Many people, though, are intelligent enough to be able to go "Oh! Whoops! Didn't realize I was doing that! Darn darn darn!"'when its pointed out to them. Some either aren't, or sadly, have their self worth tied into what they think is best (or basic) having never found themselves in that situation.

I hear ya! I am on here quite a bit as a skimmer and at times am compelled to respond. I was accused once of being harsh but I truly felt that a person was being a bully to a child so that was a different story and I still feel strongly about my response but of course, could have said it nicer I am sure. The individuals repsonse to me really was an eye opener to me to not be such a know it all and be more compassionate. I do still feel like irritated at times when I see certain people post constantly but I do not resond I just let it go. It's not my business to make them feel badly...I feel that there might be many people here that might not have anyone to talk to or just want to feel heard. I believe that many of us are compelled at times to "wake them up" with a strong opnion but like you I think that it is so unnecessary...this site is here for many types of people and to take the time to respond in a nasty, rude or harsh way is just as wrong as what they are stating is wrong with the post or post"er". Good for you for pointing out that we are parents, adults and role models to our children...it would be shameful if our children treated others as harshly so why is it ok for the parents?