Why Is There a Difference?

Crystal,
I can relate to your dilema. I have a mother who has some of the same personality traits... she say's one thing but means another and then holds it against me for not 'reading her mind'. And usually I don't find out that things are still bothering here until 6 months to years later. Seriously, I've been married for 3 years and 8 months ago my mom came clean with something that has been bothering her since my wedding day! Talking to her does no good, she either misunderstands what I'm trying to say to her, she takes offense, or she just doesn't see my point of view. I've found that no matter how hard I try to put things right and clear the air, it only makes things more difficult for the short term and nothing ever changes. I do my best to accept my mom for the person she is and work around her imperfections. This is not to say that I understand her or that it doesn't hurt me (or my kids). I've taken on this point of view when it comes to my mom and maybe it will help you... I can't change her. She loves me and my kids (1 biological 2 step) in her own way, though this is not the way I would like her to love them. I listen to her complaints, acknowledge them, and then let them go. Otherwise I'll go crazy trying to please her.

I've also got a mother in law that will not acknowledge any of the 3 kids. With her we minimize the time the kids are exposed to her as the to younger ones are too little to process the 'rejection' when their cousins are showered with gifts and hugs. Again, here I accept my mother in law as she is because I will never be able to understand her.

It's not easy because if you are like me you want to understand and there must be a reason. I truly believe that with some people who are not happy with themselves (and this is my mother) they are unable to look introspectively and evaluate their feelings and their fears. And if they are unable to do this they will be unable to give you the answers you are looking for.
All the Best!

I was really sad reading your story. I can't understand why your parents would adopt you to treat you differently and now your son....Just remember your love for him has given you the strength and determination to do this alone and it will continue to. I think it's very sad he is treated differently by them...he is innocent. Thank goodness he has you. Maybe it's time to stop subjecting yourself and your son to people who are unable to realize how lucky they are to have both of you in their lives and focus on only the people that can.

Oh Crystal...I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you and your baby. You AND you son a perfect the way GOD made you. EVERYONE is speical and should know they are unique and important to the world. It is sad that your parents have distanced themselves from your son. It is THEIR lost. I do think that it would help to talk with your mom. It can't hurt to tell her you feel he is not treated the same. Do you siblings treat him differently. I think you should look support groups for adpotive families...you would have someone who understands and a place to vent to...besides here. God Bless you for your big heart! Your son is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have him...look at him and know that HE loves and needs you and that HE is all that matters. He has all he needs because he has YOU. {{HUGS}}

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that. First, however, you are a wonderful mother although it doesn't sound like your nurturing cam from your own mother. Your son is lucky to have you. Maybe you could try to have a heart to heart sit down with your mom. You could also start building a surrogate family around you for support if you a are not getting it from your own family. I wish you all the luck. Take care.

Crystal I am so sorry to hear that they treat you and your son like that. My husband has gone through the same things with his family. He and his brother were put in foster care when they were younger and his sister was put in a home for the mentally retarted. My husband wound up going to live back with his parents when he was 14 and so did his sister after she was 18. His Grandma and Aunt treated him poorly for it. They never wanted to have anything to do with him. It was not his fault that he was taken from his parents. His Aunt looked down on him for making a mistake and having a son with his ex-girlfriend right before his 18 birthday. Now his is married and two other children that she has never seen. She won't even talk to my husband. His parents aren't any better. They have seen my 3 1/2 year old daughter only about 4 times and my 1 year old daughter 1 time. Her birthday was yesterday and they didn't even call to say Happy Birthday. My 9 year old step son doesn't even know who they are. His grandparents are my parents who treat him like my 2 daughters. As you can see even biological family can be just as wrong with treating their family. My advice would be to try and talk to your mother and your other siblings to tell them how you feel. They shouldn't treat your son any differently than their other grandchildren. I hope this helps.
J.

Dear Crystal,
Don't be discouraged! Sounds like your parents are not the generous and fair type...You will not be able to change them. I think the best you can do is to just accept that and move on. Avoid the unpleasant contacts. Seek the company of friends who understand and support you. You'll feel much better, I hope. Good luck!

Crystal,

I'm so sorry to hear this. There should never be a difference in treatment for children that you carried or that you adopted. Children are amazing creature and should be loved for what they are. I recently went to a first birthday party, the child was adopted at 2 days old. The mother actually told me that out of 8 grandchildren her parents actually say this one is their favorite! She certainly wasn't treated with any less love than the others.

Have you tried talking to your parents and asking them directly why they treat your son so differently? Maybe it's because he does have some physical problems and it makes it hard for them. It's not an excuse, but maybe there is an explanation. I find that the best thing to do is be upfront without being accusatory.

Good luck!

There shouldn't be a difference. I just adopted a little boy with similar problems. We had him since he was 5 months old. He is now 2 years old. We are in the process of adopting two more boys (1 and 10month old siblings). I was married before and have two adult daughters, as well as two new granddaughters. My husband has never had any children. I worry about my family possibly treating my sons differently. However, my daughters try their best to treat them like their little brothers. I am not sure if my dad has adjusted to the situation. My mother is so nice, she tries very hard to accept any situation, not that dad is not nice. He is just a lot tougher. I replied only because your situation sounds a lot like my own. I am also BF, not that it matters. I have no concrete advice. All I can say is, maybe you should have a face-to-face talk with your parents. Let them know how you are feeling. Keeping anger bottled inside will do nothing but make it worse. We as a people must learn how to communicate. Approach them at the right time, place, etc. Be sincere and not start off with an angry tone. Maybe you should also include your siblings in and make it a family meeting. That is probably what I would do. I am still observing my whole family when it comes to my situation. I just pray that they will treat my adopted children as well as they treat my biological ones. We just moved closer to them. This has given them the opportunity to see our sons more often.

Good luck and God bless.

When you have a grandchild from birth of your own child..it's like a continuation of yourself...maybe that is why it is so much easier to make a connection with natural grandchildren rather than adopted. However, my grandfather adopted my mother when she was younger and he and his wife have always treated me like one of their own, possibly even better, just because I lived closer than the other grandchildren. So I believe that's just an excuse.
I'm so sorry to hear that things are turning out this way for your parents and son...I can't even imagine how hurtful and frustrating it is. One other thing I could think of why they wouldn't want to keep him for long is his disability. Perhaps they can't handle it or don't want to?
I think the best thing, although the hardest, would just to be sit down and talk to them, tell them how you feel.
I wish you the best of luck!!

Dear Crystal,

I could only tell you this, you do for you and your son, and if you don't have to ask don't, eventually all falls in place, but if we struggle to fix something that is just an obstacle, move to the next or you will waste precious times that create memories. You adopted him no one else. Yes it hurts to want to feel like you are wanted or appreciated and even your son, but you know who knows that best, your little man. As long as you don't fail him now, it will all get better. Make sure to take care of yourself first and use the resources for finances and health when you need them. Other than that, stand tall for you and yours.

N. O
Mahopac, NY