Would You Get Pissed off at This?

I'm sorry your mom is so ill.

But if your child is young, your child will most likely not have a true concept of the pain of impending loss. Even if your in-laws and husband were to describe to your child the sorrow, the physical problems, chemotherapy, the looking back over a lifetime of memories, your child would probably not really understand. (If your child is a teen, that's a different story.)

But right now, your child and his or her dad and grandparents are building the kind of memories that you have with your mom at this time in her life. They're keeping things normal for your child. They're showing love. If they were to sit and weep and stay home out of respect, it wouldn't make sense. They probably are a little at a loss about what to do, so going out seems to make sense. Keep busy, keep active, keep the child happy, tire him or her out, and keep the household going.

Yes, I'd be angry. Angry at the loss I was inevitably facing, angry that a loved one is suffering. But not angry that my child was happy and that people were showing him or her joy and family, and making memories. I'd be thankful that my child had family to love and be loved by.

After my dad passed away, I remember going to a supermarket for basics for my kids. In the cereal aisle was a young family who were laughing and having a very nice time. It was all I could do to scream at them "how dare you enjoy shopping and laughing at the funny cartoon bird on the cereal package! I've lost my father!" I realized that my pain was not their pain, thankfully, before I lost it in the cereal aisle. And you're in a different town now, with your mom, not near your family, and that's hard. Try to focus on her, and be grateful.

I bet that your in-laws and husband are determined to keep life going as best as they can, and I bet that they are very aware of the situation your mom is in. But I also think that they know that to sit and mourn now would confuse and hurt your child. I suspect that if the tables were turned, you might cook and clean and take your child to a movie and try to keep things as normal and pleasant as possible, so that your husband could concentrate on his ailing parent.

Again, I'm sorry your mom is facing this battle. I hope she is comfortable and is able to be comforted by your presence with her at this time.

Everyone manages stressful situations differently. And remember none of them are as close to your mother as you are. Actually, do your inlaws know your mom anymore than she's their daughter-in-laws mother. Has your husband been close to your mom? I don't understand why you expect them to stay home. Does it feel to you like they don't care? I suggest going out and doing things does not mean they don't care. It just means this is their way of dealing with this situation. Perhaps you feel alone and unsupported by them. If so, tell your husband what you need. Make your request about what you need emotionally in the way of support. It's not fair to expect others to feel the same as you and use the same coping skills as you.

I suggest that being pissed with them is a coping mechanism for you. It's easier to be angry at others than to fully grieve your own loss.

Sorry to hear this - so hard :(

I think you are upset and that's totally understandable. And if you are a little over-sensitive, that's pretty understandable too.

If you don't want to hear about it, just tell your husband you are in coping mode right now, and it's too painful to hear that other people are off having fun.

But don't take it personally. I think they are making the most of their time together. Doesn't mean they don't care about what you and your family are going through.

Do you get along with your in-laws normally? Sometimes when we are upset we tend to overreact - could that be part of this?

Anyways, you're entitled to be emotional etc. but I would maybe focus on that they are helping out your family by taking care of your child, etc.

I hope your mom gets the treatment she needs and I wish you well. All the best :)

I would gently like to suggest that you are redirecting your sadness and anger over your mom's cancer onto your husband and his family. It's understandable and I'm sorry you and your mom are going through this. However, they are doing nothing wrong.

hon, i hope this is just your own worry over your mom talking. having had to deal with that myself, i do understand how that degree of stress wrecks your brain.
because your husband and his parents aren't doing anything wrong. they really can't sit around wringing their hands (although i have no doubt that they are sad and worried on your and your mom's behalf), and while they're there to 'take care of your son', surely that doesn't mean they have to spend every moment focused exclusively on him and what he wants to do.
no 6 year old will be damaged by being required to do some touristy things on the weekends while grandma and grandpa are there. and i don't believe that no one is ever playing with your child or doing anything fun with him.
it would be unhealthy for your in-laws to stay at home, tense and upset, focused only on what's going on with you. and it would be unhealthy for ANY 6 year old to be the center of everyone's attention every minute.
i think they're handling things just right. your son is (or should be) enjoying a visit with them that includes sightseeing and exploring, and life is going on for him, just as it should.
i hope you can disconnect your own pain and worry from the situation at home, be glad that your son is being so well cared for, and focus on your mom.
khairete
S.

What they do doesn't change what you are going through. I think you are going through a lot of unfair changes and you are directing your anger at them. They didn't give your mom cancer and if they sat at home doing nothing it would not change what you are going through.

It is okay to be angry with the cards life has dealt you, and it sucks that there isn't really something on earth you can beat up about it. Just don't use your family as the next best thing.

I'm so sorry about your mother and I know this is a very painful and uncertain time for you.

It's great that your in-laws have stepped up to help care for your son. I'm not sure what your relationship has been with them up to this point - perhaps they are the type who push your buttons on a good day. And now they are working on your last nerve. On the other hand, maybe they are normally sensitive people, and so this seems like a frivolous party time and out of character.

Either way, your current stress is probably coloring your viewpoint - and totally understandably. Maybe they are trying to give your son some fun times to keep his mind off missing his mother. Maybe they are trying to let you know he's not suffering at home without you or worried about his grandmother's illness. Maybe they are clueless and doing things he doesn't like because they don't know any better. Sometimes people feel they need to distract kids from what's going on, and they don't make the choices you would make.

On some level, maybe they are trying to cement a relationship with him so he feels cared for and cherished by grandparents, to help cushion the possible loss of his maternal grandmother. Again, maybe these are poor choices in that they are choosing things they find enjoyable and they assume he would like them too. Maybe they don't understand he'd be happy sitting around playing a board game or watching a DVD with them, or wishing they'd schedule a play date with another 6 year old. But that doesn't mean they are being insensitive.

They could sit around and worry and be morose - but does that help you or your child right now? It's very possible that they feel just terrible for you, but they aren't comfortable saying so because they don't want you to feel that now you need to comfort them when you need to take care of yourself.

A lot of anger can be deflected from the situation which is really making you angry. I'd try to find the strength to let this go and focus your fears and anger and worry on your mother. I know it's hard. But do try.

This would not piss me off at all, in fact I would see it as a benefit. A few years ago my husband had a brain tumor that required our whole family to travel several hundred miles from home and stay for a month while he had surgery and treatment. My boys were young, 4 and 6. My FIL came to spend much of that month with us and we did all kinds of things, zoos, water parks, ect.... We made sure to visit with my husband each day, but none of us wanted the kids memories of this time to be of a sick dad and all that fear and sadness. We were able to rebrand a sad and scary time in their lives as a sort of vacation and as such they did not suffer any ill effects for what was a really bad time for those of us more in the know. I would be thankful my inlaws were keeping my child from thinking about why mommy is not home.

What do you think they should be doing? All laying in bed crying all day? When you think of it like that, it sounds a bit ridiculous. I'm sure they are all hurting for you but maybe they are not as close to her as you are. Or maybe they are and just don't want to sit around all day and think about it. I would be happy they are keeping your son busy while you are away. I'm sure he's having a fun time and adventure and memories built with his other family members. Don't try to think of it like they are having fun while you aren't. They are simply stepping in and helping which is what you need them to do. Sorry about your mom. Good luck.

I'm so sorry that your mom is ill.

Please know that your mom likely doesn't want everyone to live every day in depression and misery as she is going through this. Instead of seeing this as insensitivity, consider that every moment of joy is a way to honor her life.

Your in-laws and husband being in misery will not improve your situation. Life does go on. (I keep reminding myself of that as I deal with my own mother's advanced cancer. I sometimes feel like I am not allowed to be happy or feel joy during this time.)

These outings are good for your kid. It's good for him to be exposed to sightseeing, etc. It will make him more worldly. He doesn't only need to do "kid" things.

Sorry about your mom. My MIL was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor last year and was given 3 months to live. We spent most of our free time with her during her last few months, but our lives had to go on too. There were many times that I sent my husband to the hospital to be with her alone while I took the kids on outings to museums, parades, hockey games, concerts, symphony etc. The kids even went trick-or-treating. My MIL didn't want us to sit around mourning for her. Perhaps your in-laws are looking for ways to bond with your child or trying to get your child to appreciate different things?

I am sorry for your situation but I would be very grateful I had three adults to care for my child so I could focus on my mother. I wouldn't want my child upset. I have no family usually to help so again, I would be very grateful my inlaws were stepping up to help and would see no reason for them to sit in the house miserable. I'm not sure how that would help anyone or why you feel it would help you. Your son is 6 so shouldn't be sad yet and your inlaws are your inlaws. Not your mother's blood relatives.

I'm so sorry your mom is ill. That is so stressful.

I would not be pissed off at this. I would be happy that my kid and husband are enjoying time with his parents.

But I see where you're coming from. Going on fun outings is something that you can't do with your mom anymore. And when you see them having fun, it stings. But try not to be jealous. They aren't doing these outings to cause you pain or hurt you. They are trying to take their minds off the situation.

I hope that you are taking care of yourself as well. I hope you that you can get away for a few hours and do something for yourself. And if you do need help, ASK FOR IT. No one is going to offer or read your mind. Make sure your needs are being met too.

I am so very sorry for what you are going through.

But no, I wouldn't be mad. Maybe you are wrong and your son does want to go do these things with his other grandparents, and your husband is doing his best to make things work while you are away taking care of your mom. If they were to sit in the house and dwell on the sadness that would be no good for anyone. I'm sure your husband is doing what he thinks is best with the whole situation.

Please consider that your husband may be very worried -- about your mom, about your traveling, etc. -- and may be trying to cover up that worry, and distract himself from it so your kid doesn't pick up on it. Having his parents there gives him a good excuse to play the host and suggest they visit tourist spots. And he, and your in-laws as well, may be trying to distract your child from your absence--your son is young but still old enough to figure that mom has left pretty suddenly because something somewhere is wrong. Your son may be enjoying these outings more than you realize, too, so I wouldn't assume that he "doesn't even like" them.

They are all there together knowing that you're elsewhere. There's a hole in their midst. If staying out of the house a lot distracts them, it's helpful.

I think it's good that you're able to say you expect too much from everyone. I bet you expect way too much from yourself as well. Please try to carve out a tiny bit of time each day you are at your mom's where you can be alone and do something for yourself. Even if you just watch one half-hour sitcom while she sleeps, or you take a walk around the block for 20 minutes. I have been where you are, and some time alone and doing something not related to her or her care or decisions you must make -- that time is greatly needed for you to keep on going each day. Take care of yourself.

And when you get home, ask your son with great enthusiasm to tell you all about each detail of every place they visited, what he enjoyed, why, etc.

Hi there,

If your husband is jovial and acts like nothing is wrong when you speak on the phone, then I would be really irritated, too. I disagree about your problems not being your husband's problems. When you're a couple, you both share the same problems and try to be sensitive to what's happening with the other person.

I could actually see this happening if I were in your shoes. My in-laws don't do anything on their own when they visit, even when they have their car. My husband runs around with them on the weekends to get them out of the house. Are you in-laws this way, too? If they're stuck in the house all week watching your son while your husband is at work, he may be trying to get them a change of scenery while they're helping you out. I wouldn't expect them to be sad and sitting in a dark house no matter how tough things are for you right now. My in-laws and parents are not close and they just wouldn't feel the same way as I do.

Dallas

I'm sorry for what you are going through - but no. I would NOT be pissed! I would be THANKFUL that they are taking my son's mind off what is going on so he doesn't stress over it.

You have a lot on your plate. You are stressing over your mom, and I get it. When my mom died 19 months ago? Friends helped my husband while I was gone and did what they could to distract my boys from what was going on.

YES! You COULD do this if the shoe was on the other foot - ESPECIALLY if you saw your child upset and worried. You would do what you could instead of sitting around worrying and stressing over something you cannot change nor have no control over.

You need to step back. Breathe. Be thankful that you have people who are caring for your son while you are caring for your mom. It's like you expect everyone to be sitting around moping and worrying about you and your mom...sorry - they aren't doing that. Guess you need to speak your expectations to your husband. Just because they are out having fun does NOT mean that they are NOT concerned. They just choose NOT to mope and be depressed over something they cannot control.

I had 6 days with my mom and 3 weeks taking care of my dad after she died. Stop worrying about things you can't control and BE with your mom. Make every last second count. Say what you need to say so there is NOTHING unsaid. And most of all?? LOVE HER - CARE FOR HER. Trust your husband to take care of his son as well and FOCUS ON YOUR MOM...

Good luck!

I might be annoyed in your shoes but not enough to do anything. I also have high expectations of friends and family. I get put in my place enough to know that it must be my issue. You can still feel mad but probably just focus on your mom. I lost mine at 14. People can't relate much and I guess that is normal. Please accept my compassion and condolences.

It's so hard to be in a stressful situation and your family is out having fun. It makes what you're going through seem trivial to them. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Hi Dallas,

In short, this would not make me angry. Having said that, you are entitled to your feelings. Please bear in mind that, given your situation, your emotions are bound to be intensified. So, if your usual emotional base line is like a 4 or 5 (out of a scale of 10), you're probably at a 7 or 8 right about now, which is bound to be uncomfortable and potentially cause you to react to things in unexpected ways.

Make sure you're taking time to be kind to yourself and when you feel a strong emotion, try to be patient with yourself as you experience it. I think reaching out like this is also very healthy.

Prayers to you during this difficult time. S.