Young Mom at Wits End... Please Help!!

Ageism happens. If you read some of the responses below, you'll see what I mean....Older mommies don't have the energy to run after their kids (so not true!). Older mommies have more experience (so not true!). Younger mommies don't have experience (so not true!). Older mommies have more to offer their kids (so not true!). Younger mommies don't have as much to offer their kids...the list goes on.

Just chalk it up to people being people. Smile. Ignore it. There will always be something to pick on and some stereotype perpetuate.

If they are shocked when you tell them how old you are, just lean over conspiratorially and say, "I just REALLY REALLY REALLY like sex!~" Give 'em a huge grin, and something new to be shocked about. ;D

Hi S.,
All of the responses you have received have been good. I can only add that you need to have your own self confidence and not allow yourself to be affected by others comments. This will also teach your son to be confident, the old adage 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me'. This is a lesson that we have to learn throughout our lives but is best if we learn it when we are young.

Be confident, don't let others bother you, if you feel the need to respond then simply say 'my son is doing awesome, I am a great mom and 21 is by no means too young to have children. I am very happy with where my life and my sons life are and I wouldn't change a thing. Thank you for your concern but it is unfounded'.

Have fun and be your own person that isn't reliant on others acceptance.

SarahMM

Oh, S.. Memories.....
I had my first when I was 20. All I truly wanted to be was a wife and a mother. When I wasn't pregnant the first month I was married I was devastated. Sounds silly now to me when so many can't get pregnant at all.
Now a harsh reality that will carry you through the rest of your life. People say whatever they want without thinking about the pain they may be causing. Always have, always will. They are not judging you (rarely, anyway), they are just speaking what pops into their mind at the time. Don't you do the same thing? Are you being malicious when you do it, or just talking?
Face it, you ARE young! I am 54, and to me now you are a child. My youngest is only 14, and I have a daughter that is 21. It is really a matter of perspective, and which end of the age scale you are on. Yes, I wanted to be a "grown-up" at 21, but to someone older, I was as old as their child. Does that make you wrong? Heck no! It makes you nothing more than what you are- 21. That's a good thing. I sense that there is more going on in your life right now that perhaps is bringing you down into depression. Do some research on St. John's Wort if you aren't nursing.
You may not know things at 21 because of lack of experience. We all have to grow into that role, because we DO lack experience until we have gone through enough to learn. Inexperienced? Of course! Just remember that you can learn from everyone you meet, and are lucky to be able to do so. Keep your ears open, accept what feels right, and smile, thanking the giver, and letting go what doesn't feel so right to you. What if you said "how would YOU do it"z There's no sweeter feeling than being asked for advice and being esteemed for your knowledge. You make more friends with honey than vinegar.
If you feel like you are being judged, just remember that those who talk are most likely jealous and wishing they were 21 again. It's just human nature to want what we don't have anymore. Youth is way up there on the list!
One last comment before I get off of my soapbox :P,
no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. As a mother, you will want to get a tougher skin. When people start making comments about your child, and they will, let it slide off, unless there is truth to what they say. Change what you can, what is necessary, and let the rest go. When they tell you that you are young, smile and say "yes, my baby and I are growing up together and I love it!". I can't tell you how many times I said that, they smiled, and we went on with our lives. Let go what people say, or you will be miserable the rest of your life. I can guarantee that people don't accept everything you say as fact, and you are not required to do that either.
Enjoy your baby, and enjoy your youth. It disappears faster than you can imagine, and that sweet little boy you have will soon be called the "young one" in your life's age scale. His 21 is coming, too! Let words roll off your back, and you'll be so much happier.
Smile, S.! I look fondly at 21, and sometimes, in small moments, wish I were in your shoes again.
From a grandma who's been there :) and probably done that....

Hi S.,
I'm on the other end of the spectrum: I'm 43 with a 10 month old. (I also had one at 26 and another at 38). A lot of women my age tell me they can't imagine having an infant at this age. I can't imagine being a nurse, but many nurses absolutely love their profession.

My guess would be that not everyone is judging you as too young. You are just noticing the ones that do more. Like when we want or just bought a specific car we see that car everywhere.

When I take offense to something someone says to me it usually means there is something about their statement that rings true to me or hits on my own doubts and concerns. I think most conscientious mothers worry that they are good enough no matter what age. It gives us the opportunity to look at those issues. I once heard someone say: "When you hear that nagging little voice in your head that says 'I'm not good enough' ARGUE WITH IT."

It probably won't be helpful to argue directly with others' but you can do that on your own. Journal or blog about your strengths as a mother and your weaknesses as well. We all have both, being clear on what they are actually boosts our confidence. When our confidence comes from within it has more lasting power. If you were going to go off on someone what would you say? The wonderful thing about journaling it is that you don't have to edit, censor or hold back because nobody else is going to see it. If you fear that someone might run across it, then tear it up and throw it away. Just get it out.

S., there is no such thing as a perfect age or a perfect mom or a perfect relationship. Nobody but you can tell you that you are good enough.

It used to be that you were on the verge of old maid if you weren't married and pregnant by 21.

Isn't it wonderful that we, as women, have such a wide spectrum of choices now?

"Love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason."

You've been told by a lot of different women to ignore it and go on, and I agree with that to a point. Being able to straighten your shoulders and look at someone with the knowledge that they are tactless beyond belief will often be enough to make them feel embarassed by how rude they are, and avoid a situation that can't be undone. If you do feel the need to respond when something offends you, remain calm, look down your nose at the person who made the comment and simply say, "Do you ever think before you speak?" Then walk away. The only other time I would respond verbally to a situation like this is if someone makes a comment to your child...along the lines of what you said about "Mommy wouldn't know that, she's not old enough." If comments like that are being directed towards your child, feel free to tell whomever has said this, "With "due" respect, do not address my child like that, and certainly never try to run me down to him. Your opinion aside, that is entirely inappropriate." Of course, you may be labeled as "sensitive," especially since they will be embarassed about being publicly called out on the subject, but if you feel strongly enough about it to say something, then make sure that it is articulate and in a reasonable tone. Flying off the handle simply plays into their hands and feeds their opinions and you will be treated even worse in the long run.

It is hard not to be sensitive and to be treated badly, by anyone, not just the people who matter. You know that you are a good mom, eventually you will be able to disregard the comments of others, this early into motherhood, though, it is tough...for everyone. Best of luck!!

Hi S.,
First of all, good for you for being a good mom at 21! A lot of us are still getting our act together at that age. My advice is first, accept the fact that you are young. That is not a criticism, merely a fact, and one that you can do nothing to change. Remember that not everyone who notices or points out your age is being critical. I know that if I am feeling a bit insecure about something then I tend to be more sensitive to comments from others, could that be going on here? Just a thought.
Secondly, don't allow anyone to make you feel inferior for being young. I think that all of us moms, old and young feel judged at some point, for things we can control and for things we can't, but your job is to take care of your kiddo in the best way you know how, and let the rest roll off your back. Be confident in your abilities as a momma, and don't worry what everyone else says. You can't change what people say to you or what they think, all you can control is your attitude and how you present yourself, so that is where I would try to focus. Easier said than done, sometimes, but worth the effort, I think. And just remember, when your son is in high school you will still be the "young mom", and it may be a bit more appealing then. :)

I was your age when I had my first. She is almost eight now. Believe me when I say I have been there. I was 19 when I married, and there were many people who were rooting for me to fail simply because I was so young. For one, 21 doesnt seem young when you are there but when you are almost 30, it can seem young especially to those who think of the mistakes they made when they were young. Let me give you some advice that I wish I had learned earlier. My in laws are terrible to me. They have been since the day we got engaged. I dont understand it, but for years I spent a lot of time letting what they thought and said affect me. I finally realized that I was becoming exactly like them, angry and bitter. I had to start letting things go. I learned that when I let someone else choose how I feel, I loose myself. Dont let these people dictate how you are going to feel. The only one with that level of control in your life is YOU. Dont give that control away. Ignore what these people think. Dont let them cause you to doubt yourself. If you think you are a good mom, then dont even give it a second thought what others think. (dont discount the "ive been there" advice though...because we have all been there and there is no sense in repeating the same mistakes). If certain people really get to you, come up with something clever to say back to them when they are giving you a hard time. Or just ignore them. You know what you are you dont have to prove yourself to anyone else. The other thing I wanted to point out is that we as moms can fail to take care of ourselves. I am wondering why this is effecting you so hard. Have you ever considered that you may have post partum depression? I know your son is a year old, but you still could have it. It is worth exploring in yourself to see if you need help in that area. There is nothing wrong with needing help.

Hang in there and dont let the comments of others control your feelings.

Hi Sweetie ...

I didn't have my first child until I was 31. I got the "how can you stay home with a baby when you had such a great job, etc." It comes down to consider the source and respond accordingly. You could try, "Oh, I hope I am as smart as you are when I'm old. I could be such an encouragement to young moms." I'm sure you can come up with some on your own. It usually shuts them up ... at least in front of you. You just keep being a great mom who is full of love for her child.

I also recommend staying on Mamasource, particularly if you have a parenting question. Not all of us are bitter old gossips :).

Much Love,
L.

Sorry I don't have any could comebacks for you. My advice is to try and just ignore comments like that as coming from ignorant people. Believe me, it doesn't matter what age you have you children people will always have some comment about it not being a very intelligent time to have one! I've went through that with people when I was in my 20's and then if you have a child after your 30's you are "too old to be having children" and "high risk" and if you are in your forties, you are just plan stupid....that is unless you have never had a child before...then it is "good for you" "congratulations". So don't let them steal you happiness! :-) Contratulations and enjoy your little one! :-)
God Bless,
Chris

S.,
My Best friend is 22 and has 3 kids, they are less than 36 months apart, and she has the same constant judgment from people. I am also a young mother, I had my daughter at just barely 23. Just take it all in stride. all that is important is what you know your a good mommy. they don't know you or your life or what works for you. and if they feel the need to give you advice or pick on you for what ever reasons, just know in your head that you are a great mom, and you love your little guy just as much as the next person (and smile and nod, and tell them kindly you are doing just fine without them), and that they have something going on in their own world. maybe they are insecure on who they are, or don't feel like they are the best parent all the time (who does really). It doesn't matter what they think. it only matters what you KNOW!!!!!! There are always people in the world who judge, for what ever reasons, and it usually never has anything to do with the person they are throwing their judgment onto, but in themselves, something that they see that they don't like in their selves. maybe they wish they had had their children younger, or at 30 or 40 they feel like they are to young still so you must be way to young. age doesn't matter, as long as you are doing a good job!!!!!! Good luck, don't let anyone get you down, just be the best mama you can and tell everyone else to shove it!!!!! =)

S.,

I couldn't begin to understand why some people try to find fault with everyone else. I just think that they are so unhappy with their own lives that it makes them feel better to tear everyone else down.

I had my oldest when I was 21 and my youngest when I was 23! They are now 14 and 16. I just turned 38 years old and I still get the looks of "hey how old are you really" or I hear "you're too young to have children that old". Be proud of the fact that you provide for your child like only a mother could.

I know how hard it is to let it roll off your back but a good comeback that works for me is " just think how great I will look when I'm a grandma!!"

At the end of the day and you lay your head to rest the only thing that matters is that you do a great job as a mom!

I was married many years before my first child came and feel like I got every stupid comment directed at me. People can say horrible things without even knowing. It never ends either. People will judge you forever for every thing, but it is none of their business. No one knows the path and purpose of another. I say learn for yourself how YOU should treat others. And teach your own kids to be sensitive. I like to say "ouch" if someone says something that hurts me. ANother great thing to do is AGREE with what they say outright, but in a more drastic way, like, "I know, I am a horrible mother and I am too young to be raising kids." and add humor too," I still am not raised myself and need a momma myself...." or something else. This should ellicit their praise and accolades and positive comments towards you. It should make then see what they are really sending your way. And that it is not appropriate. I say keep your cool. Your neighbors are worth saving and trying to have a good relationship with. They will be there for you when your family and friends can't.

Oh S.,

The only thing about your age I would say is the problem is your a bit sensative. Not that is a bad thing, it is what makes you a good mommy! But you have to learn to let it go, and roll off your back. The advice and comentary does not stop when you get older. I got married and started having babies at 36, you ought to hear the comments I get. The only difference is my years have given me a tougher skin. When you are alone, try to come up with some funny/witty comments for people. Like: I love being young enough to have the energy to keep up with my little one. Or... My body bounces back so nicely from child birth. Just have some witty, non offensive comments in your arsenal. It will make people think twice and help you focus on what a great mom/person you are.

Also, I dont care how old you are, the learning curve with the fist kid is really steep. I thought I knew everything and then I had a kid. Guess what, I dont know anymore than you and am learnign a lot as I go.

Hang in there, and try to ignore the comments. Remeber you cant change others behavior only your own. Also, I am guessing many of these heartless comments come from jealousy. So dont be hurt, just have pity for them. And love on that munchkin!!

Hi,
Just remember- it's always about "them" not about you. People can't ever seem to keep their own insecurities about their own life to themselves. I too was a young Mom- my oldest being 25 now, I am also an older Mom- my youngest being almost 4. I've heard it all and I always try to remember- it's about them. I have a great sense of humor and my children know that I love them NO MATTER WHAT!! I have to say despite what others might have thought as good advice or weird comments my kids have always had a great view of themselves and the world. I have been blessed!!
Peace, T.

S.,

Ignore them, or better, be nice to them and get to know them. As they get to know you better, they will see you more positively.

In my experience, people tend to be down on what they are not up on, and also tend to stereotype and classify persons they do not know well. And, it doesn't matter if you are young or old, single or married, fat or thin. People tend to judge on first impressions and appearances until they get to know you.

Good luck.

my mom had my sister when she was 19 and me when she was 21.I am now 42 and have a very young grandmather for my two kids..your lucky you will be able to meet your grandchildren and be young and active with them. All the people waiting so long to start there families will be lucky to even be around when their kids have kids, or graduate from college .Dont worry about other people, sounds like your doing a great job. Thats all that matters...J.

I was also a young Mom. I got married at 18 (you should have heard the tongues waggin!) Then we had our first daughter at 20, then 2nd at 24, and my son at 27. I LOVE my kids, and I used to tell people "Some people just mature faster than others". that was my only come-back. I was young, but I didn't LOOK as young, so maybe that's why I didn't get as many things thrown at me, or I was oblivious!
I had to have a hysterectomy at 29, so I'm so glad I had my kids young! And I also have a lot more energy for my kids than some of the older moms!
My daughter is 14, and she is a great kid. And you're right, I know people that have their kids at 30, and suck at being moms. think of the girls that had babies at 14 in the "olden days" and it was acceptable.
I'm sure you're doing just fine. Keep your chin up. I just want to say, there is nothing wrong with being a young mom as long as you do your job!
Good luck!
~L.

I have been there. I was 19 when I had my first child. It is not fun. I wish people would just be kind no matter what your age is. I had to learn to just look past them and say things like I don't see a problem with my age or I am sorry you feel that way. People really stop saying things for the most part. I still get commits every now and again but it has gotten better with time. I am 25 now and have three kids and some times people still just about drop to the ground when I tell them how old I am. But I have learned it is there problem and not mine. Good luck.

Hello S.!
I had my first child at 17- yes, he is 15 years old these days. Unfortunately, my experience wasn't much better- even now! I am going on 34 years, and I still get the whole, "But you look so young to have a 15 year old!" stuff...I will usually say something to the effect that if they say that to me again in 5 years and I'll give em a cookie! Everyone usually laughs and the subject is dropped. I had to go through many years, just as you are, with the sideways looks and the petty comments. I just sucked them up, took what positive out of them I could, and avoided the constant negative ones as I was able.
You might ask them, in their "old" infinite wisdom of course, what advise they could pass on??? Try to have some humor and enjoy your son- it will pass in time. Just remember, when all the older ladies are getting botox from all the stress and wrinkles of raising the kids, you will still be young and sprite. There are always positives to what people perceive as negatives!! Have a great holiday!

Hi S.,

I feel for you... I am a young mom too, not so young anymore, but by the time I was 21 I was pregnant with my third. I have 4 beautiful boys and I love them dearly. I got all the comments you could imagine, right down to a teacher asking me when my son's mom was going to show up!! I told her I was his mom and she seemed taken aback. My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 20, every other couple that got married within one year of me had all kinds of comments about the marriage never lasting and I was too young..etc.. WE are the ONLY ones that are still married, just celebrated 12 years together last month! Don't take it to heart.. lots of times they are just ignorant to the fact that people in this day in age are capable of supporting a child, themselves and still staying sane until after 30. I had someone tell me that I was still a baby myself and that I was throwing my life away, what about my career?? I told her that this is my career, I don't feel the need to work outside the home because ensuring my children's future is all the career I need and I am proving that everyday. I am now 30 and my oldest is 11, he is a straight A student, acting in community theatre, not just at school but big theatre, and is a well adjusted, loving, caring individual as are all my children. My second son, is 10, and is the youngest member of student council at school, he is a born leader and had the courage of a soldier. My 7 year old is adventurous, curious and has a math mind that is going to take him far in this world, he has to find out how everything works... My 3 year old is a strong, exuberant boy whom I am cherishing every minute of time we have together. I nursed everyone of my children til they were 2 and had no problem giving that time to them... so if they say that you are too young, just tell them that it works for you and that you are happy doing exactly what you always wanted to do, being a nurturing mother. The world needs more mothers who are kind and nurturing and treat motherhood as more than an obligation.. I think you are on the right track... PROVE THEM WRONG...but be polite and show them just how grown up you really are, they are the ones being immature!

S.

Hi S.! At this point I don't really have anything new to add, I just wanted to respond as one more mom who supports you! It is so easy to focus on the critisism that people give us rather than the positive stuff. Continue to listen to the people who know you - your friends and family! I didn't have my first until I was 32 and motherhood has kicked my behind! Having children at any age is hard! You are doing great!!!

I am a young mother. I had my oldest at 19. She is now 9. I don't know why women judge each other so harshly, it's really sad. The worst comment for me was from my church leaders wife. I felt like she should not have made such a harsh judgment in her position. I don't get comments anymore though, or maybe I don't let them get to me.
I really think the only real thing to prepare you for being a mother is to become one. Just because a woman waits to have a baby doesn't mean she is going to be a better mother, or even better prepared. You know you are a young mother, and you feel that you are a good mother, and you are happy about it. Own that, don't get mad or blow up, it seems to me like that's the reaction somebody who would make such an insensitive comment would want to justify their own situation and make them feel right. Just say "You're right I am young, and I am happy! To each his own, right?" Or something to that effect. I think if there is someone who makes comment often you need to tell them that you are happy with your decisions and you would really appreciate it if they stopped making comments about your age.
I hope this helps. Just know that you are not alone as a young mother and you certainly are not alone as a judged woman! Know who you are and take this as a lesson learned and don't be the one to judge another mother.

First do not worry about what anyone else thinks of you. All that matters is you are a great mom and YOU know it!
You don't owe anyone anything, let alone an explanation of anything. They don't need to know your age, it isn't their business, right? If they ask, just say old enough to be a good mommy! :)

If they really piss you off you can say, "I am so lucky that when my child is out of the house in 18 years I will still be young and beautiful", hee hee. Or just look at them and nicely ask them what is the problem? Judgement is a wild ride and you have to just realize you are who you are and they are petty and small to even comment on your age. Maybe they are jealous, who cares, however it is just important you know what kind of person and parent you are. Those that judge the hardest are usually the most insecure.

Not so long ago, 21 was the age most women had their first child. So now women may wait longer, at the same time I don't look at 21 as that young either for mommyhood. You should just take pride in you are a good mommy and have a beautiful little boy to raise now.

I am on the flip side and OLD to be a mommy, hee hee. I am 44 and have a 4 and 7 year old to chase after, so when they are out of the house, I will be even older!!!! :)
HUGS! ENJOY BEING YOUNG!!!!!!!!!

You're doing a great job! I had my first baby at 25, and that actually felt old. Just know that you made the best decision in the world having a little baby and being a loving mother. And it's okay if you need to blow up at somebody...sometimes you just need to say the words and get if off your chest. Love what you do being a mother, and have no regrets!

S.,

First off, you need to understand that the people who make you feel inferior are people who feel that way about themselves.

Some of us older women do not mean to make you feel the way that you feel. We are just making a comment with no disrespect.

If you know that you are a good mother, then to heck with what some people may say to you honey. You and your family is all that matters.

You haven't said, but I assume, you are a single mother at 21 years of age.

I was a single mother at 18, and I could have cared less what other people said or how they felt about me. I knew I was a good mother to my now 42 year old boy. And I still am a good mother to him.

What I am trying to say to you S. is this; No matter what, you hold your head up because you are exactly right,
the people who try to make you feel inferior do not know you or your story, and they don't need to know it either. So they do not matter in the scheme of things.

You know who and what you are, so to hell with them! You be proud of the beautiful little boy you have been blessed with and continue to be the good mother you KNOW you are, honey, and the rest just doesn't matter.

Good luck and god bless you and your little boy.

well S.- if this isn't a similar situation I don't know what is: I had my first when I was 20. (on purpose.) my second is on the way and I'm 22. (again on purpose.) I hear all of the same things but you need to have the confidence to say: "ha ha yeah, I am young," and either walk away from it or let it roll off your back before you say something else. Each person is entitled to their opinions and sometimes they share them without asking, unfortunately. If you can just build up your own confidence in yourself and your mothering it won't bother you. trust me. I used to let my inlaws bother me about age comments considering I married their son when I was 18 then we had our first when I was 20. They used to make all sorts of cutting remarks about my age, and as soon as I decided to not pay so much attention to it and just be confident that I was a good mother and I was doing my best I didn't notice the comments as much and they've deffinitely lessened their comments since it doesn't get a rise out of me. good luck

S., tell YOURSELF: " I have no time for your people's nonsense. I have a geat miracle going on here, and if you don't notice, it is YOUR problem, not mine!!!"
U need to learn to ignore them, as u cannot fix the world, but you can sure make your life wonderful!
If someone tells u something like u describe, i'd suggest: tell them out loud: this is NOT nice, I'd rather you think of your vocabulary and le us share joy, but if not, then I have not a thing to do with you, bye-bye, go live your own life.

FOCUS ON WHAT MIRACLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE,

and detach yourself from the people who don't have heart, please!
i wish you very best!
My kids are 25 23 and 18 now, my first son was born exactly when i was almost 21. So yeah, your son will grow up and you will still be young: I am :) !!
All is right, worry not!!! just, shift the perception, and become invisible to them: wherever they hit, you simply are NOT there, and they probably will quit as they will get bored!

Oh my goodness, don't feel like you are alone in those feelings at all! I did wait to have my first child until I was 30, and then all I would hear is how selfish we were and how we should have a houseful of kids by now and since I am "getting up there" isn't it about time to think about having more since I won't have that many more chances?!? Some people are just like that - must make them feel good to find something lacking in someone else! I get so sick of the "when are you having another?" question and the looks when I say we aren't sure if we are going to have any more. Not that it is any of their business, and they don't know the reasons (like how hard it was to conceive to begin with for us, so it is possible we just won't be able to have more). So you are not alone in feeling like people are constantly picking on you! Who the heck are they to judge anyway? You hit the nail on the head - most all of them DON'T know anything about you and don't have the first clue as to whatever your reasons were for anything you have done. And please, from all those "older" mommas that are picking on you - like they knew squat when they had their first child! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with age - I freely admit I KNEW NOTHING when I had my daughter. I had never been around babies before I had her, so the fact that I was in my 30's didn't really matter much. As far as those that try to make you feel inferior, usually it is that they feel inferior themselves and it makes them feel better to put someone else down. Not nice, but kind of reminds you of high school, doesn't it? I think the mommy clique in my neighborhood is worse than the witchy girl clique in my high school class ever was!! Needless to say, I just don't talk to them. I have a few real friends that don't put me down or talk down to me if I don't know something, and those are the people I choose to surround myself with. Don't let them make you feel like less of a person because of the choices you have made; they have no right to do that. Believe me, sometimes I wish I had done it your way and had my daughter when I was younger...she wears me out! lol

Chin up! You are being the best mommy to your little one that you can be and THAT is all that matters. Not what others think or say. You can't stop them, and honestly, I kind of feel sorry for those that feel the need to judge others because they didn't make the same choices. Everyone has their reasons for doing things in their lives - you had yours for having your child "young" and it is no one else's business but yours. Don't let others get you down, just look at your little boy and think about the joy he brings to your life. Feel free to drop a line sometime if you need more encouragement or a kind word! all the best, cj

Hi S.,
I am sure it is very frustrating feeling as if you are being judged all the time, but the only thing you can do is ignore it and let it go. Sadly enough, you can not change how others behave, although it would be so much easier if we could, but you can only change your own behavoior, thus how you react. Getting upset and angry is only hurting you. Chalk it up to others being too nosy and know it alls! You are right, no one knows your situation and or you and what kind of mother you are. Just be the best mom and person you can be and don't mind these judmental comments. Be confident in yourself and let it go. I know this can all be easier said than done. I wish I could say something to put an end to it, but making smart comments or blowing up will only escalate the situation and make you feel worse in the end. Taking the higher ground will show your maturity and in the end you will win. Good luck!

I was 21 when I had my first baby too and I know that attitude well! I also was a nanny for a few years before I was a mom and I got a lot of unsolicited advice from people who assumed I was a teenage mom! It is really annoying but the people who offer advice usually mean well. You can just smile and nod and say "how interesting, thanks!" or even, "I just read in Parent's magazine (or a book or a parenting website) that same advice" (that shows that you are an informed parent already), or even better "Acctually, researchers at the University of Maryland have discovered that babys who do not wear hats do not have a higher incidence of colds or flus" (feel free to make it up, they will never get around to checking your sources!)

Or, just smile and think to yourself "Screw you lady, get your own baby!" I must admitt to thinking that on many occasions but I never said it out loud!

In retrospect, I am really glad that I had my babies at 21 and 24 years old, now I am 28 and having serious fertility problems, I will probably never be able to have another child so I am really happy that I had my two when I did (when I could!) You could also say in a nice way that you are really happy about your choice to have a baby at this time in your life when you are young and healthy and full of energy to care for your baby, some older women who do not have kids yet maight acctually just be jelous of you and that is why they feel that they must critizise you.

Good luck!

so your a 21 one year old mother of a one year old. BIG DEAL! you were fortunate enough to be blessed with a child! frankly it's none of their business, and on another note, way back in the day couples began their families at much younger ages and how fortunate are we that we(as women)now have a larger say in when we do and don't have children. and, back in the day, (just for laughs) you would have been considered "too old" to start a family. ;) Just relax, it's their ignorance and stupidity. if it were me and i really had just reached my limit, i would say well, at least at MY YOUNG AGE I can keep up with my kids. (but that's just me, i'm kind of known for being a you know what...at least according to my sister.) don't worry about it....just have fun with that little boy

I feel your pain. I had my first at age 20. Now at 24 I have my 3.5 year old and year old twins. Add in the fact that I look like I'm 17 and when we're out people are relentless with their looks and comments.
I've never had the guts to call anyone on it, but I've come really close to saying something like, "Well obviously age has nothing to do with maturity or you wouldn't be saying such rude things and undermining me in front of my children."
I've decided that the best route for me is just to ignore them and keep moving. Why waste my time? I'm hoping most people realize they said something wrong when I abruptly leave, but that's probably wishful thinking. But this way I don't have to regret being rude myself and I don't waste my precious time.
It's nice to know I'm not alone in this:)

Just remark about how young you will be when your kids graduate from high school...and you will still have energy to enjoy life!

S.,

There's no way I can give you any better advise then the multitude of letters that all the other wonderful moms have written, but I want to let you know that you've made the right decision- people are going to tell you how you should have done things differently (it's a little late to decide not to have a kid now!:))because they don't like their own lives- by making you feel inadequate they are infecting your otherwise perfectly happy existence with their malignant regrets! So view their comments as they are- pathetic attempts to make them feel better about themselves. And after everything the best rebuttal is to have the happy, healthy, lovely life you deserve and keep only the helpful and supportive opinions of those who actually matter in your heart.

The best parent I know is a single mom who had her boys at 20 and 21, and even my mom, who had me at 36 and my sis at 38 told me that when I was little I told her she should have had children when she was younger! (probably due to her complaints about how old me and my sister were making her)- having kids at 30+ is a subjective social norm, you can be just as good of a parent if not better, plus you have the benefit of getting more time for being friends with your kids on the other end of the high school/college years:) Everything is wonderful- you're a good mom and that's more then a lot of other one year-olds have.

Best wishes,
S.

I don't know that I have any advice for what to say, but I just wanted to encourage you. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother, I myself am 24 and going to be having my 2nd child in the spring... and I love being a mom. There are hard times and times of learning for everyone, I DON'T think that having children later in life is an advantage, in many ways it is a disadvantage.
I would just encourage you to try to remember that this is YOUR life and not theirs, try not to worry so much about what others might think. If you pray, ask God to guide you, to give you words or to protect your mind and heart so that it doesn't bother you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I got it both ways my oldest daughter was born just after I turned 18 and complete strangers felt the need to tell me I was too young or be all judgemental. I was the youngest parent when she started school and I think the teachers delighted in making me feel like I was still in high school. Then it took 11 years for me to be able to carry another baby, so by that time i was one of the oldest Mom's and got the whole wow did you wait long enough between kind of garbage. So I feel for you.
Take the advice that feels right, discard the stuff that doesn't and either try and let the rudeness role off or think of a snappy comeback to have ready for the clods.
Much luck!!

Okay, first, it's not just an age issue. I get it all the time and I'm forty-two. Most of my friends have older children and even some have grandkids. So, often they tell me what is "Best" for my children.

I would take what you can learn and ignore the rest. Your kid is healthy and happy. That's all that matters. Who cares how old you are.

You have to be confident in your own mind to be able to ignore the comments. You know what you are doing is right. I would be upset if someone said to me, You're mama doesn't know that, now does she. So what you have to do, is show everyone your confidence. It's harder to do than to say, I know. But you are a mom. You know what is right for your child and even if you don't feel like you do, your act will put people in their place. I think any new mom is going to get more comments than someone without a newborn. or young child.

Dear Mom,
I am so glad that I was a young mom, if I hadn't been I would have been worn out (more than I was) with my 1st babie(s). The older I get the more I am tired just watching others care for their children. :) Please know that if you feel that you are doing a GREAT job with your child(ren), then that is ALL that matters. Others can just be unhappy in their tiredness or they can be jealous that you do so much with your child(ren). Who knows what their reasoning is all you have to do is come to grips that you are just fine, no matter your age. Your child(ren)is (are) happy and your family is secure. We all no matter what age we are will be considered 1st time mommies or young mothers if we have never had any, so forget their unhappiness/jealousy and enjoy your new little family. This is such a good age for you to be available to your child(ren)and mostly your teachable right along with them. When we get older some don't like change and when you have youngin's life is full of change. That's how it is meant to be. ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

I understand that one! I had my first at 20 and have continued to get all sorts of "advice" from people who figure they must certainly know more than me b/c they are older, regardless of whether or not they even have children! It is infuriating at times. Honestly, I've tried comebacks and rebuttals, but the only thing that is worth my time is just ignoring it for the most part. I just stopped getting it about two years ago (apparently I look younger than I am), although I will still frequently get "you're certainly not old enough to have that many!" when people hear my total number of kids (7). It wasn't until my 6th pregnancy (at 28yrs old) that I finally stopped constantly getting things from other older pregnant women like "are you sure you're ready for this?", "well, once you get to your third trimester you'll understand", or "wait until you're older and have more than one child!"....most of these women were pregnant with their first! lol Fortunately it usually shut them up quite quickly once I mentioned to them that not only was I not expecting my first or second like they were, but that I was more experienced than they assumed.
Although there are many things that you can only learn through experience, it might be worth mentioning-when someone says "she wouldn't know that, she's not old enough"-something to the effect of "it's amazing how much you can learn when you research/no matter your age/glean from others", or even just make their day and say, "nope, but I'm certainly learning a lot every day!" and just walk away.
Learn now that others will often make you feel insufficient, especially as your little guy gets older, and that you need to just be confident in yourself and remember that you are his mom, not them! Rely on those positive comments from your friends and family and avoid those who might consistently be negative. And worst case, you do blow up on somebody-it won't be the end of the world. :) Just trust yourself, ignore the rest, and enjoy every day you have with your little one!

It's too bad so many people are insensitive. You will continue to get the comments for the next few years. I was 19 when I got married and I took a lot of flack for that. It didn't help that I only looked like I was 15 at the time too. I found that if I acted confident in what I was doing and never talked up to anyone (that is I always spoke with someone as an equal regardless of age or station) people left me alone. I got odd looks for years, but I knew I had made the right decision so I refused to do anything other than laugh at the looks. Keep in mind that it is not age that matters, but maturity. There are many 30 year olds who are not mature enough to have a baby. Also, the younger you are, the easier it is to keep up with a baby. It is easier to get by with lack of sleep and keep up with your high energy baby when you are younger. If your family says you are a good mom, then stop worrying about it. Be confident about who you are and your abilities.

I still look very young for my age and I get a lot of quizzical looks and a few comments about my age while I am at work, but I have found as I act confident people usually don't hold my young appearance against me. More often than not they are confused and figure I just look young for my age.

I was 17 when I had my son. I know how you feel. All you can do is ignore them. At least your family and friends are saying that you are doing well. It was my family and friends that were giving me a hard time. My son is now 16 and he has already finished high school so I must have done something right. Good luck, it can be a hard thing to deal with.
Stephanie L.

I know just how you feel! I'm in the same position. I'm 22 and I have a 1yr old and everyone thinks they can judge you because of your age. I can't make them stop and I don't want to tell you to ignor it because that only works to a point... really I'd just tell you that it's ok and that this too will pass. I haven't seen it pass for myself but it will come eventually.
I'd have to say that the older you are when you have your kids the worse it is on your body, and your child. You will have the oportunity to play with your grand children and see them grow up and you great grandchildren and that is something that these older women will not get to have! Plus as you get older and have more money set aside you will be able to do all the traveling that others wont be able to because they still have kids at home. Really it's NO ones business when you decide to have kids even if you were 13 it's not their place to judge! They don't know your story and if they are going to judge you without knowing it then let that same judgement fall upon their heads at some point in their life!
Sorry this is so long and that i went off on my soap box... I hope you feel better soon!

Don't let other people get to you ! Give your child love and hugs everyday and teach him NOT to judge people. It's easy to pass your sorrow on to your little one, and they know when something is wrong. Try and be strong and happy; ignore those who are wishing for their youth back. Hope and courage to you always. Cis (also,once a young mother)

First of all calm down...I was a first time mom at 21 as well and my second at 23. I was married but looked very young, still wish I did. DO NOT repeat DO NOT let other people get to you. Don't let your mind go crazy with other peoples comments it's not worth it. I'm 41 now with five kids and had I known then what I know now...WOW did I have the world by it's tale. Someone will always have something to say, you need to be strong and confident as a person and mother and don't ever let someone's negativity affect your life it's too short. Be the best mother and person you can be and if you can sleep with a clear conscience your'e doing great. People are judgemental, jealous and cruel but don't worry yourself with others insecurities.
Be strong, smile big, hold your head high...

Don't even stress about it I had my first at 18 that was young I didn't even let other peoples thoughts get to me yes I was young but I am a great mother and that is all that matters everyone has their own story and it dosn't matter what it is you don't judge a book by it's cover just keep your head held high and do what you do best be a great mother to your son.

S.,

I am 35 and almost 36 years old. It hurts to get old. They're just jealous...trust me. Be glad you're 21...and I'm sure you're doing a great job. I actually think younger mothers have more energy and are more at the right age to have little children. As you get to be an old lady like me you just feel OLD and spent! I have one son. I was 27 when I had my son....I guess that's a little older than you but not much. I got some skiis and am going to try to remain active to recapture my youth. ha ha...

S.,
First of all, congratulation on being a good mom, young or old does not matter.

I too was a very young mom, younger than you and dealt with the same mentality of people who did not know my situation. My oldest is in college now and I love the path my life is going.

Here is what you need to learn and then master in all aspects of your life. You are not responsible for other people’s reactions and thoughts about you. You are only responsible for you and your actions. When you start allowing others actions and comments affect you then it becomes your issue.

Who takes care of your child? You do. Are these individuals going to help pay your bills, buy diapers, and get up in the middle of the night to tend to your sick son? No they are not so don’t allow their looks and statements “bug” you. You can not control what others say or do but you can control how you respond both internally and externally.

I know this is easier said than done, but once you learn how to do it you will notice that people are not looking at you in a strange way or feeling the need to make their comments to you about your age and parenting style.

If you let these things bother you then you are going to attract more of the same!
Be in a good head space for you and your son, not in a negative space for others who rub you the wrong way. You are at your wits end because of how you are holding on to things and not chooseing to block them out..it is no one eles, just you.

Good luck with your future and all the wonderful things it has in store for you and your family.

Ali

Something my mom told me has helped me in the long run. My mom just told me to tell whomever is saying these things that "isn't it great that God gave us selective memories. I am not so young compared to someone who had kids in the 1950's." It makes the older ladies think back and maybe they will lay off the remarks and just smile. Just be sure to smile politely when saying it. Hope this helps.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I think you were right on when you said you're proving yourself right. People don't know your circumstances, and they have no right to judge. But people can also be very insensitive and you don't get to choose what they do or say, only how you react.

Tell yourself regularly "I am a good mother. I do what is best for my son." If a neighbor says "mommy wouldn't know that..." in your presence, politely say "sure I would" or "help me know" Then later, talk to them without kids around and tell them that you don't appreciate them undermining your authority with your son. If people call you a young mother, take it at face value - you are, and they may not be judging at all. (I had my first at 20, but I looked about 16....believe me I feel what you are going through).

S.,
Your baby is a wonderful blessing. It doesn't matter how old or how young you are. Think of it as being able to retire young :) My husband and I wanted to make sure we had all our kids before I turned 30 so that in the future when our kids are grown up and going to college and moving out we were still young enough to "have fun" and be good grandparents. My mom had me when she was 21 and she is the best Nana a kid could have. So don't worry about what other people say. Know that you are doing the absolute best you can for your baby and that it matters only that You Love him so much, and I can tell that you do. Keep doing a great job Mom!

Hi S., I had the exact opposite in the comment department. I had my daughter at 39, lost the "baby weight" after 4 wks so I didn't physically look like I'd just given birth & that was the 1st time a women said, "is that YOUR grandbaby!" I new I looked haggered from little sleep, caring also for her 4 1/2 yr old brother & we were in the middle of a business that losing $ left & right. About a yr. later (moved to a new state), it happened again (& mind you I thought I was looking pretty good!!)Guess what? Not only the women who asked if I was grandma but 2 other "Mom's" in my son's 1st gr. class were ALL actually the grandmothers (& honestly they were close to my age)raising their grandkids because the mothers were not able/capable/willing (mostly drugs). The only comment I will make about your age is this: with age comes wisdom and thicker skin! You are young, but I was older....who makes the better mother? I'm exhausted at 47 keeping up with an 8 & 12 yr. old social life (which is FAR more active than mine!) This next comment is key: opinions are enviromental! To one who knows because she too had a baby young has her own set of struggles locked in her memory & has projected them on you. To the one who is older & commenting may very well have wanted kids young but either wasn't in a relationship or had fertility issues therefore maybe has resentments toward a younger mom. It goes back to what your mother hopefully taught you & I pray you will teach your precious little one, if you can't say something nice...DON'T SAY IT AT ALL! As for you, keep loving that baby & do NOT respond negitively to these ill mannered women. The best response is by way of your actions (IE: being a good mom) but please don't grow bitter towards "older Mom's" there is plenty of wisdom to be found & I personally am grateful to get advice from anyone!

There is a "young mama" in my MOPS group. She is like you - gets a lot of comments about being young, etc... She also gets offended.
Funny you picked 30 - that's how old I was with my first. Now I have two, and have had 2 emergency room visits (one with a broken arm) and a pulled tooth within 4 months. I feel like a WONDERFUL mom! The point is, no matter what age, people judge you and. Maybe it makes others feel better to talk out loud.

Keep your chin up and trust in yourself to know you are doing a good job. Listen to the good - not the bad. Enjoy that baby!

If there's one thing I've learned about motherhood is that everyone is a judge and you're almost always wrong...to them. It's sort of seen as a free pass to others to be rude. It drives me nuts (FWIW, I'm 32, but most people think I'm about your age and I get the same sort of rude comments. They choke when they find out my age.)

What this all boils down to is that you need to ignore what other people think. I know it's difficult. Believe me! But rest assured that you're not alone, you'll always be judged by those who aren't so perfect, either, and that you're not the only 21-yr old mother.

For crying out loud, where I grew up one was considered old if not married and a parent by 21 (I was 22 when married, 30 when my baby was born)! It is not that uncommon, and there are many, many people out there who are married, have more than one child, are perfectly wonderful parents, and completely accepted in this country.

So, please, don't let the rude members of society get you down. :)

Unfortunately, you have no control over what other people think or feel. I'm always flabbergasted at how rude some people can be. Please understand that some people can only feel validated if you do things the same way they did. If they're not judging you for being a young mom, it will be something else. (I have chosen to have only one child, and you should hear the unsolicited advice people try to give me!) I wish I had a quick and funny comeback for you to say to these women, but I think the best thing you can do is just be the best mom you can be and leave them shaking their heads knowing they were wrong. I've also found that "killing them with kindness" sometimes puts people in their place! For example, when someone makes a comment about you not knowing much because of your age, you could say,"I know, that's why I feel so lucky to have the benefit of more expereinced friends like you. I hope you will give me some advice when I need it!" Whatever happens, remember that those people do not live in your house, and your job is to be a good mom. period. It sounds like you're off to a great start. Keep leaning on the people that you know love you, focus on that baby, and it will bother you less and less as time goes by. I think if you keep looking at this web-site, you'll see that many moms have the same questions and problems, no matter what their age. Good luck.

I don't have really any advice. However I do relate. I also had my first at 20 and now at 29 I have 5 kids. My last two were twins. To make matters worse I am really short and look maybe 20 now. People can be very rude. In my case I don't think they mean to, but I know it gets really old. Just be confident in yourself as a mother and just give a grin when people say things and maybe they will leave you alone. Don't make an issue of it to them and maybe they will get bored of saying it. I know that doesn't totally help, because I do that and still hear it a couple times, each time I go out in public, but it's worth a try.

I started having children later, because I couldn't get pregnant until then. I suspect I would have done better younger. I was more set in my own little routine, desires, expectations, and it was hard to learn the patience needed with children. I certainly would have had more energy and stamina! Anyway, I wouldn't take them seriously. Take constructive criticism from those you trust for what it's worth and just ignore the rest. So many people say things in their own jealousy or insecurity, thinking it will make themselves look or feel better. When in fact they end up looking like overbearing jerks. And many just don't realize how stupid or hurtful they are being, or see it after it's already popped out of their mouth and don't know how to fix it. Don't concern yourself with who is meaning to be malicious and who isn't, just let it roll off. Watch Meet the Robinsons several times. :) Really, you choose to focus on it or not. Choose to focus on the things you have control over, which certainly isn't them and their criticism. I know that's hard, but if you work at it, you will get it. I used to get hung up on rude comments from others. Now I just don't care what they think at all. I care about what my boys think, I care about what my husband thinks, and I care about what my parents think. I choose to care about what they think of me because they genuinely love me. (I'm simplifying, of course.) Not once have I been able to convince someone they are wrong by getting mad at them and telling them off. And, sadly, I used to do it often in my younger days. Just focus on doing YOUR best, and let the other junk roll off.

I was the same age as you are with my first being born right when I turned 20. I loved being a mother. I got married at 18 so I had to grow up fast. A funny story, When I went to pick up my daughter from school when she was in 4th grade, the ladies in the office thought I was too young to be her mother, I just smiled and said I really was, "I was only 14 when she was born". I really got some funny looks but I laughed as I walked away. In other words, Have fun and enjoy being a young mother, joke around with the prudes and let them know you really wanted to be a mother at age ____ but you decided to wait. Now my oldest is 27 and we are more like sisters. I love it!

pray. you might not be able to change how people treat you, but heavenly father loves you and will give you the councel, comfort and help you need.

It doesn't matter if you are 21 or 30, people still say insensitive things and can make you feel inadequate as a mother. So what if you are young. I wish I had kids younger, but that doesn't always happen. I am sure you are doing great as a mom. As long as your baby is loved and taken care of, not much else matters. It is too bad that neighbors around you are not more supportive. I am 31 and pregnant with my 3rd right now and I wonder most days what I am doing. Try to ignore them. It is hard. But you love your baby and that really is all that matters. You are not inferior and you are a great mom.

yay for the mom army!! I love when something hits home with so many of us. I learn so much reading all the answers. You've gotten great advice, and you have an army of moms behind you all ages--so next time you get a comment like that remember your army and you can smile--my dh and I both look MUCH younger than we are. lol. we got a lot of the you're too young advice etc. even though I was 29 when I had my dd!! so age has less to do with it than percieved notions of people. in fact we bought a minivan when I was pregnant and I had no idea what a rucus that would cause in the neighborhood because what were we thinking buying a minivan when we were just having one kid?
lol. the loudest voice? a lady who had 3 kids in a small car.
people don't know or understand each other's circumstances but all to often the "expert" in them has to come out to comment. I had a mom who was 23 with 4 kids try to tell me that when I was a little older and understood life's experiences more...I was 30. wow. I did call her on her phrasing--and told her I am also the 3rd of 13 kids and helped raise 10 kids already. I guess my point is that we all have wonderful unique stories behind us and our decisions and where we are in life and to echo one mom isn't it great we have those kinds of opportunities for diversity in choices? I paraphrase in my own words but still...hang in there you'll get insensitive comments at all ages. BUT we have an army.

Hi S.. I too just wanted to let you know that it is not really your age they are judging, people ALWAYS find something wrong that you are doing as a mother. I had a daughter at 25 and then one at 28 and still to this day get some unsolicted comments and advice. People just don't think before they speak and the best thing to do is try and let it roll off your back. If that is just not an option, you could just reply how great it will be when your children are older because you will be able to fully enjoy them as well as your future grandchildren.
Good luck to you and congratulations on Motherhood!!!

Sounds like you got a bunch of great answers but I'll add some more.. When they say "oh you're so young", shoot back with "yes, I'm glad I'm younger because I'll have much more energy to run around with my little one". Or if they knock your lack of experience, make a comment about how nobody knows it all about parenting-even Dr Spock! His son committed suicide. If even Dr Spock didn't have it right, how can a new mom?
My (younger, go figure) sister has a favorite quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission". Refuse to let them get to you-it's very hard & easier said than done, but if you act like you don't hear them or laugh along with their sarcastic comments, they'll get tired of picking on you & find something new to worry about (hopefully).
My sisters-in-law are 10 & 15 years older than me & of course full of child-rearing wisdom, so I feel your pain!