19 Year Old Single Mother Seeking Guidence in This Journey

Hi Katie,
By now you are probably tired of reading responses to your post - they are all great advice - Kudos to everyone! But I just need to chime in. I am a single parent to a 12 year old boy. I never married his father. Just be very careful about what relationship you want for your daughter and her biological father. I tried for years to keep my son's father in his life. He would be in for a few years then we would hear nothing for, literally, four years. He lives in the same city as we do - so that was not the reason. His up and down attitude towards my son has caused emotional damage and I now have my son in therapy in hopes that he can learn that his father's inability to have a relationship with him is not his fault. If your daughter's father cannot be a steady, consistent presence in her life she would be better off without him. Her grandather, Uncle, cousin, can all be male role models for her. It is the consistency that is important not the biological link.

Other than that just love her, encourage her, be there for her, read to her, play with her and don't be afraid to tell her no when she needs to hear it.

Good Luck and God Bless - you'll do great !!

hey K.,
i wanted to till you so much but i think all you really need to know is that you will do great. things will be hard at first but remember your daughter is the reason you will sucessed and make a better life for the two of you. surround yourself with postive people and this will be another reason you will do great.

My oldest son was born when I was 18 years old, just out of high school. I was a single Baptist mom for 9 years. It is very hard but very rewarding. My son is now 12. Those years were hard, but I know one day when my son is a man, he will look back and say, "My mom did her best," because he knows that I tried every single day to be everything he needed. His father was never around much. If you meet a guy and he does not care for children and/or your child, sorry, you are now a package deal. He can't have you without her. My husband had a son when we met and today, we are very happy with a total of 4 kids. I searched for 9 years to find someone who wanted both of us, not just me and who made both of us happy. Best of luck on this long road but in the end, it is so worth the ride!

Wow you must feel a little overwhelmed. Many young mothers in your position wouldn't ask for help and I applaud you for this. Raise your darling daughter with love, honesty, honor and dignity. Teach her to respect all others, to be kind,. You have to do it by example, not just words. Teach her to be strong. I raised 9 children, essentially on my own, and I kept them in church and Sunday School, scouts (teaches dignity and caring and many other positive traits) and sports (teaches team work and respect). Take any positive help you can get and never stop asking for answers and help from friends and family and co-workers. I wish you the best of luck and God bless.

I became a mother at age 18, and again at age 19! I was married though, and I do believe having a man in my daughters' lives (our girls are now 19 and 20, and we have a 15 year old son), was helpful just based on the difference in how they acted when my husband worked nights compared to when he worked days and was able to be around more. But I completely agree with the poster who said not to use that as a crutch, or let your daughter use it. The only reason I mention it is because I think it would be a good idea to let a good, moral, loving man in your life (your dad, etc), be a big part of your daughter's life.

As far as dating in the future, I know of several instances where the new boyfriend/husband became such a father to his stepchild that you couldn't even tell the difference once he had his own children. In one instance, even the grandparents would come to every soccer game for their "step" grandson. So don't think she'll always be without a "dad" who lives with her. A future relationship and marriage could easily produce a daddy who is much more important in her life than one who is related by blood.

Congratulations on your little girl!

i was raised southern baptist.i had my daughter at 19 years old and ended up marrying her father. She is now 18 months old and her father and i have seperated in the process of getting a divorce for a little over a year. it is an ugly mess! with the choices he has made, he'll be lucky if he gets supervised visitation.

one thing i've had to learn through all of this, is that it doesn't matter who is in your daughter's life, it's how the people in her life affect her. Make sure no matter what your decision is as far as her upbringing, make it YOUR decision and be strong. i lived for too long taking advice from other people on how to raise my daughter. i now do what my instincts tell me to do and we are doing fantastic!!
I was lucky enough to meet a man that loves us both and claims her as his own. he is a truly good man - something that i never thought i could find.
As far as dating and her BIO-dad, look at it this way... there are foster children all over the USA that have never met their bio-parents and become very successful, well rounded adults. and there are children who have both of their parents their entire lives that end up behind bars because of bad habits and bad choices. give her the best stable environment you can and always be there for her - in good times and bad - and both of you will do just fine!!

"Don't take life too seriously - no one gets out alive!"

My advice is don't do it alone. Find someone who will help you. If your parents are not available, find a good church. And every time they have a dinner, offer to help clean or set up. This is where the older church ladies hang out, and they are always willing to offer advice, babysit or just give you a bit of support. They are also a good source of advice on every illness kids have. Also in the sand springs area is a group called OASIS or Open heart (something like that), it's over in the shoping center close to Minuteman pizza in pratville. The lady that runs it is from my church - Cathedral of Praise. She's great. They have a lot of services that may help you. Good luck. I'll be checking back in here if you have any questions and i'll try to get more info for you.

Katie,
The most important thing is that you are plugged into a church that will give you a support group.(Just my opinion.) You need to be around women with young children. I have worked with families for over 30 years on Positive ways to raise and support their children who will then be capable, independent, productive adults. You can find more information and some free downloads on my website at developingcapablementors.org All of my contact information is there if I can be of assistance.
D. B.

Hi there K.. I am now a grandmother of 6. I had 2 girls and was a single mom for 5 and one-half years when they were young. My advise looking back is don't worry if Mr. Right will come along for you. Cherish this precious time with your daughter. Find a very reliable baby sitter or church group that has sitter services for your baby while you get some time for yourself. Get involved with other moms with small children and talk and laugh a lot. Talk, talk, talk to your little girl and always remember, you are her mother - not her best friend. Friends come and go, but you're there for good. And remember to pray, pray, and then pray some more for guidance. Remember, kids live what they see in you, not just what they are told by you. So, be a shining example, not perfect. Be willing to say you're sorry when you mess up or make mistakes. One thing that helped me with my daughters was when things got really tough, I could always call time out. The world will not stop spinning if you call time out and go in another room. I did this when they were very young and then later, they understood that time out meant we were going to let things cool down and then come back. So, I hope this helps. My 2 daughters are married with kids of their own and very happy and well adjusted. Also, they both told me that it meant so much that I wanted to be with them as they grew up and that I talked to them, even when they were rude! LOL God bless and keep you in His care.
Once a single mom.

Hi K.,
The first thing I will say is hang in there. You have a hard road ahead of you, but you can do it, with God's help.

I would say the best thing to do is rely on any support you may have in the community. Your parents, the baby's father's parents, your church, friends, fellow moms, etc.

I had my first daughter young too, and it was good to read a lot of books, but I found the best advice was from other moms, so yo are smart to look here for help.

Just know that having a new baby is very overwhelming and that it is a lot of hard work. Most moms, some twice your age, have struggled with doing the right thing and knowing how to take care of a new baby. The moms in this group are here for you, always. Check out http://www.tuscmoms.com/ for some great tips and things to do with your new baby in the area.

Your gut will tell you a lot, but if you can join a moms group, it would really help out. It will give you a network of support for questions and someone to call when things get tough. Pay attention to your body and your emotions and make sure to let someone know if things get overwhelming. It happens to all of us.

Most of all, congratulations on your beautiful new daughter. You have a big job of taking care of her, but loving her will be the easy part. Hang in there for the first year, things get much better, and much easier after that.

Being a single mom is one of the hardest jobs you can do, but it is also one of the most rewarding. As long as you stay strong, keep true to your values and beliefs, and look towards God for guidance your journey will be a lot better for you and your daughter. Always let her know that you are never going to leave her and stand by your faith. I have been a single mom for most of my son's 3 years of life and he is secure, well-mannered, and social. This is not all due to me, but I know that he is living a great life due to me being the stable person in his life that he can always count on. Remember it is never too early to teach your child God's love and your beliefs. Good luck and you will be in my prayers!

I taught school for 10 years before I had kids. The best advice that I have is to never let the "single" part of your status be an excuse for you or your child. I'm not denying that it is harder, just dont let it become a reason for any failure. It was so frustrating to me when parents said things like: "Well, her dad is not part of her life and that is the reason for......." That gives a child permission to fail. Teach your daughter to be a strong woman and to take responsibility for her own successes and failures.
I have a friend that immigrated here from Cuba at 19 years old on a raft. He couldn't read or write Spanish and didn't know any English. He never knew his dad and his mom was in a mental institution. He could have taken what was given to him when he arrived and learned to "work the system," but rather, while working (very proudly) at Burger King, he got tutored in English, went to Jr. College and earned a full ride scholarship to SMU. He has worked in banking and mortgage lending among other things. He is constantly reinventing himself with the changing times. He is never put off with a challenge. For example, he had about 20 houses that he was flipping when the real estate market crashed. He immediately changed them to permanent financing and rented them. He came from NOTHING and is now a wealthy man in his late 30's. I firmly believe this is because he never used his hardships as an excuse. When I first met him, he and his wife were living in a 1 bedroom appartment and expecting a baby. In spite of their situation, they were still sending money and other items to someone in Cuba that was taking care of his mom in the institution.

I have read some of the responses and agree. If the father is responsible enough and not into any trouble, let him be a part of her life. If his parents want to be involved, don't shut them out. Grandparents are a wonderful help. If not she will be fine. I raised two children on my own until they were teenagers before I got married. I always reminded them that the problem between me and their father was with me and had nothing to do with them. They are grown now and doing fine. My daughter would have loved to have her father around, but realized once she was older he wasn't worth having around. She is a lovely married 25 year old with a bachelor degree in business. You can raise her on your own and do a great job. Just don't become a victim of oh poor me. I went back to school and got a great job by the time my oldest was 6 years old. I had support from my Mom, my friends and my neighbors. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your church and friends. Always be a part of her life, in school, after school activities and even before school starts. Find programs through the parks and city for your little one. My daughter did gymnastics, baton, and softball and scouts. My Son played ball and scouts. Don't forget to take care of yourself. That makes a huge difference as to how they look at life when they get older. My kids knew we didn't have a lot of money. But we always did things that didn't cost anything. The playground, the park. They also understood when they got older that they could do what ever they set their mind to. You will be fine and so will your daughter. Enjoy her, she is a blessing.